Summary: What happens when the Cullen's go to church? Complete and utter mayhem! Includes commandment breaking, embarrassment, and Emmett shooting his mouth off… again. Church will never be the same! (Bella's a vamp)

Chapter 1: I Wanna Go Home, Carlisle!

Emmett's POV

The unthinkable was happening.

The Cullen's were going to church.

Why was Carlisle doing this to us? Sure, he says it's because Reverend Collins invited us and that it would be rude to decline, but I think he's still mad about the bottle-rocket incident last spring. We blow the roof off the house once

"Emmett, stop complaining." Damn Edward and his mind-reading powers.

"I heard that!" Stupid mind reader.

"EMMETT!!" Edward screamed.


"That's a little hard to do when you're practically yelling your thoughts!" he retorted.

"You two, can't you get along for one minute?" Esme begged.

"No," Rosalie said while checking her reflection in her compact. She is so hot…

"Emmett!" Edward bellowed. "Could you please censor your thoughts? There are some things I don't really need to see!"

"Whatever, man…" I swear to god, if we don't get out soon, I might die.

"Naughty, naughty," Edward chastised. "No swearing in church. Oh, and by the way, YOU CAN'T DIE!"

"That's it you two," Carlisle came up to us, "no more fighting."

"Hey Emmett," Bella tapped my shoulder from behind, "if you want to break commandments, you and Rose could hook up in the altar room." Ah, Bella, my favorite sister. Too bad someone is always hogging her, I thought at Edward. He just glared.

"Bella, don't encourage him," Alice muttered. Party-pooper.

"We should go in before we're late," Esme said, trying to calm us.

"I wanna go home, Carlisle!" I whined.

"No Emmett!" he replied.

This is gonna suck. A lot.


After much calming by Jasper, we finally made our way into the sanctuary. We sat in the back row so nobody could stare at us. Unfortunately, they still did. All the men looked at Rose, Bella, Alice, and a few of the old geezers ogled Esme. All the women ogled Edward, Jasper, and I. That's right ladies, Emmett Cullen is here!

"Emmett, you are such a pervert," Edward said, elbowing me. I glared at him and pulled out my cell phone. If we can't talk, I'll just text. I pulled up a new message window and typed in Bella's number.

Yo, Bells,

This is gay. When do we get to eat those freakin' crackers? I've always wondered what they tasted like…


I hit the send button and watched as she quickly read it and tried to stifle a giggle.

"Emmett, stop texting Bella!" Esme punished me, leaning over to slap my arm.

"Really, Emmett, you're acting like a five-year-old!" Jasper complained.

"A really stupid five-year-old…" Edward muttered under his breath. I stood up, enraged, in the middle of the sermon.

"Screw you, Edward!" I yelled loudly. Everyone stared.

"This is not happening," Alice chanted to herself. Rosalie was practically doubled over, Bella was laughing too, Jasper and Edward looked ready to kill me, and Carlisle and Esme were positively livid.

Carlisle regained his composure first, and stood up to explain.

"I apologize for my son's behavior, everyone," he said. "I will be sure to punish him properly for his conduct later at home. Thank you for your patience."

Yes, this is truly going to suck in every way shape and form.

Chapter 2: Communion, God Forbid