Moment #3: Determination
Gokudera lay on the bottom bed of the bunk bed that he and Tsuna were currently sharing. He stared straight up and wished more then anything that he could just go up there and comfort his boss. Tell him that everything would be fine, that it would all work out and that he was sure everyone would somehow be fine. Unfortunately, Gokudera knew full well that he and Tsuna did not have that sort of relationship and that any attempts on his side would only cause Tsuna more discomfort.
After a few minutes in silence he could hear quiet sniffles and muffled sobs and he knew Tsuna was crying. The sounds of his friend desperately trying not to be heard as he quietly went through the nervous breakdown that he had predicted earlier tugged at Gokudera like nothing he had ever felt before. He wanted so badly to do something, anything that would make Tsuna feel better but try as he might to come up with something he kept coming up empty.
Sitting down there, in the dark, listening to his best friend cry was a whole new kind of torture to him. Being utterly helpless to help the one person he wanted to help made his heart ache in a way he never knew. It's not like he wasn't adverse to emotional pain, lord knows his family situation had caused him enough grief but…
He never knew caring about someone so much could cause such immense pain. He never knew that simply the fact that he wasn't able to do anything in the present or his future self was unable to do anything would cause him to feel so many emotions, many of which he didn't even recognize. The emotions of pain, grief, sadness, anger, self-loathing to an extent mixed in with the overwhelming need to protect and comfort the 10th was almost too much for him to bear.
He felt that all he could do was sit there, wide awake and bear witness to the 10th quiet breakdown and know that even if Tsuna was unaware he was there and he would always be there. He lay in his bed and listened to every sob, every ragged breath, every subdued hiccup that drifted down from the top bunk. He kept quiet vigilance over his boss as the child quietly cried well into the night, unaware of the fact that Gokudera was with him every moment.
Each passing moment made the burning in Gokudera's chest grow warmer and warmer until he could hardly withstand it. If only he had the strength to make it so that Tsuna never had to cry like that again. If only he was powerful enough to make it so that Tsuna never had to cry that way in the first place. Truly, if only he had the courage to go up there and comfort the teen the way he needed to be comforted.
Still, Gokudera continued to do as much as he possibly could. Listening and watching, even though every tear, although he didn't see them, cut into his heart and made him feel a sense of sadness and grief he hadn't felt since his mother passed on.
Staring into the darkness, Gokudera glared and made a silent resolution to himself as Tsuna's sobs became more and more subdued. He made a pact with a determination that would have made his mother proud. He promised himself many things that night, as he listened to Tsuna cry himself into an uneasy sleep.
He promised himself that he would never, ever, let the 10th cry like that again if he could possibly help it.
He promised himself he would never again be the cause for such pain to the 10th.
He promised himself that if the 10th should ever experience such grief ever again that he would be there the whole time, by his side as a right hand man should be and offering him the support and comfort he really needed.
He promised himself that he would get stronger, stronger then anyone else so that he could protect the 10th and always keep him safe, no matter what the consequences.
Lastly, he promised himself that one day, after he sorted out his own feelings for himself that he would gather up his courage and tell the 10…no he would tell Tsuna how he really felt.
Gokudera made himself these promises as he drifted into his own uneasy sleep and told himself that he would keep these promises to the end of time. He was more determined then anyone and he would carry out his job better then anyone. That was because he was the 10th Vongola's right hand man and nothing less should be expected out of him. One day Gokudera would make sure that Tsuna would realize that.
And this scene... is quite possibly my most favorite scene ever in pretty much any anime. Save for one or two other scenes in some different shows the fact that he actually CRIES is totally awesome. You know, the whole 'boys can't cry' rule. But seriously, when it comes down to it, who wouldn't cry? He knows he's dead 10 years in the future, his parent's are probably dead, his friends are being hunted down and he has no way home. The fact that Tsuna is crying just makes me so happy from a writer and from a viewer standpoint.
Then they pan down and show Gokudera sitting there looking like he is about to cry too, just because Tsuna is up there crying and he can't do anything about it, among other things I'm sure but still...you know that canonically he's just worrying about Tsuna at that point. Oh, everything about those 6-10 seconds in this show just make me so happy XD I know it's weird but I love seeing realistic drama in shows or at least, reactions to things that need to be reacted to. Too many shounen shows have kids dealing with crazy, life altering, world destroying issues and they do not bat an eye. That's so weird. So kudos, KHR and continue being amazing.
(Also, this is my 5927 shout out, I kinda like... well I like a lot of pairings but it's pretty damn obvious that Gokudera cares about Tsuna a lot, whether or not it's love, I don't know but still, it does strike me as an emotion even Gokudera can't place. Mostly one sided though, sorry.)