Disclaimer: I don't own Katekyo Hitman Reborn or Absolute Boyfriend.

A/N: First off, I have been away for a long time (like... 2 months) but I have a good reason! My computer was reformatted and alot of my stuff was lost, and that just put me in a funk. But, I got over it and started writing a new story which is what you see now!

Next, I want to say that this story is based off the manga Absolute Boyfriend, so if you haven't read it... go read it NAO! Its good, I promise you.

Finally... don't forget to read and review!

Tsunayoshi Sawada stood on the front porch to his home, the doorknob in his grasp. He hesitated briefly with turning the knob, debating with himself whether he should go in or not. It wasn't that he was scared to go inside, it was more of the fact that he knew what his mother's reaction would be when she saw the state he was in.

For as long as he could remember, he had always been known as No-Good. In elementary school, it hadn't been so bad. The worst that anyone would do was sing little rhymes about his name -- although at the time, it still sent him home in tears.

In junior high, things only got worse. He began to become more alienated. Everyone began branching off into little cliques, and none were including him. He was too dumb to fit in with the nerds, too weak to fit in with the jocks, not dark enough to fit in with the goths, and not even normal enough to fit in with the drifters!

He was in his own category, all alone.

It was in high school where things began to really go downhill. Everyone was beginning to become more self-conscious, and everyone started just wanting to fit in, including himself; but, he didn't fit in anywhere and was picked on because of it.

So that was why he stared at his own front door with bruises and cuts covering his body from his latest scuffle, dreading going inside his own home.

Finally collecting himself, he twisted the doorknob and stepped inside, cool air greeting him.

"Mom?" he called quietly, not seeing her in the main hallway.

Apparently having heard him, she poked her head out of the kitchen and gasped when her eyes landed on him. She rushed toward him and grabbed his face in her hands, turning it this way and that.

She rushed off to the bathroom to get supplies to take care of him and quickly returned, fussing over him like he was a small child. When she was finished cleaning and applying bandages to his wounds, she stood still and stared at him in concern.

"Tsuna… this is the third time this month you've come home in bruises, please tell me whats going on?"

Tsuna stared into her concerned eyes before directing his gaze back down to the carpeted floor, feeling ashamed. He mumbled his answer lowly.

"What was that?" she asked, leaning forward. "I didn't hear you. Speak up."

Sighing, Tsuna gathered all the courage he had to look into his mothers eyes and say clearly, yet still low, "I've been getting bullied at school."

He studied her warily, waiting for her to launch into a flurry of questions and demands. She did neither. She went stock still, her clenching almost painfully from where it rested on his shoulder.

"That's it," she said finally, releasing her grip on his shoulder and returning back to the kitchen. "This is the last time my baby boy will return home beaten up."

"Mom," he called out, following after her, "what are you going to do?"

She picked up the phone and immediately began dialing numbers. Tsuna watched anxiously, wondering who she could possibly be calling. Only one feasible explanation came to mind. "You're not calling the school … are you?"

She blinked at him. "No, I'm calling the number from this flyer I found." She reached into the front of her apron and pulled out a crumpled flyer. Tsuna took it from her grasp and read over it curiously.

It read:

Is your child a loser? Do you wish he'd be more like his father? Watching him come home from school every day with bruises and cuts got you down?

Well, we can't help you with the first two, but for the last one, we can help with this: the new Guardian.EXE, the latest production for your child's protection!

But wait! The Guardian.EXE does more than just protect your loser son!

The Guardian.EXE will help him with his homework! Wash your car! Walk your dog! Find a cure for the common cold! And even do your taxes! But most importantly, it will make sure your child is never hurt again!

To get YOUR Guardian.EXE, call this number: 1-800-THIS-IS-TOTALLY-REAL

Warning: We cannot be held responsible if your child is molested, thoroughly sexed up, locks himself up in his room with his Guardian and you hear strange noises, or flinches every time he sits down.

Call now!

The first thing that Tsuna thought when he finished reading the flyer was, 'Well, that was oddly specific…' But then he shook his head and remembered his mom was considering buying him one of those... things!

"Mom! You can't possibly be considering this? I mean, it sounds so stupid! Where did you even get this flyer anyway?"

"Oh, the cutest little baby was handing them out downtown. You see, I went down to the market to get some more butter because we were out, but then I saw this strapless dress that I had to get--"

"A baby?!" Tsuna interrupted.

"Tsuna!" she scolded him.

"Sorry," he apologized hastily, "but a baby?! How could you possibly take flyers you received from a baby seriously? What is a baby even doing handing out flyers for that matter?!"

She had stopped listening to him long ago, instead, she was chatting animatedly with the person on the other line, ignoring Tsuna completely who continued to rant and moan. Finally, she smiled, thanked the person, and hung up, turning to Tsuna with a dazzling smile. "They said it will be arriving shortly."

Tsuna moaned pitifully into his hands. "I can't believe you actually went through with it." He gasped suddenly, looking at him mother with a critical eye. "Maybe it's a scam! How much is this costing you?!"

Before she could answer, there was a knock on the door.

"Tsuna, be a dear and go get the door, will you?"

Sighing and muttering curses his mother didn't know he knew under his breath, he opened the door, a glare on his face for the person on the other side. Only, no one was there.


Tsuna eeped and looked down. Standing at less than a foot high was what looked to be a baby with spiky black hair and a mustache. He was dressed in the standard UPS uniform – although it was smaller than usual – and holding a clipboard.

"Package for Sawada residence?"

Tsuna only continued to stare in open-mouthed shock. 'Did this hairy baby just talk to me?'

Suddenly, the baby leaped over five feet off the ground and kicked him in the chin, effectively closing his mouth and sending him reeling.

"What was that for?!" Tsuna cried, holding his abused jaw.

"It's impolite to stare," he said simply.

"Well, what do you expect me to do when you see a talking baby with more facial hair than most teenagers?!"

"Tsuna, who's at the door?" his mother asked, walking out of the kitchen while drying her hands on her apron.

He quickly blocked the weird infant from her view and turned toward his mother. "No one!" He turned back around and looked down, but the infant was already gone. Breathing a sigh of relief, he closed the door and turned, only to find the baby talking to his mother.

"How did you get in here?!"

His mother and the small UPS worker simply ignored him. He was starting to get tired of being ignored.

His mother had the clipboard in her hand and was signing it. With a nod, she finished her signature and returned it to the baby.

The small baby put a hand to his ear and said, "Alright, bring it in."

Before Tsuna even realized what was going on, the door burst open and since he just happened to be in front of it, he was slammed rather painfully against the wall. There was a sound of shuffling and something large hitting the ground before the door closed again.

Tsuna slid down the wall slowly, his mind still in disarray from the sudden blow. He shook his head to clear it and let his gaze drift to the center of the room… where a six-foot tall box stood.

The infant had left and the only one who still remained in the hallway was his mother.

"What is that?" Tsuna asked, moving to stand by his mother. His question was soon answered as he read the large label on the box: Guardian.EXE.

"When they said soon they weren't kidding," his mother said beside him. "Alright then, let's open it!"

"Wait!" Tsuna cried, halting her in her tracks. "You don't know what's inside, l-let me open it."

Gulping in trepidation, he took deliberate steps toward the box, afraid that it would suddenly open and something dangerous would jump out. He reached out with trembling fingers toward the box's opening, prying it open a little and trying to peek inside. He only saw darkness.

Inhaling deeply and deciding to get it over with, he opened the box swiftly and yelped in surprise as he was attacked. He fell to the ground with a thump, his attacker landing heavily on top of him.

"Oh my!" his mother whispered quietly.

Tsuna stopped his struggling when he noticed that his 'attacker' was a young boy around his age, and that his eyes were closed… and… Tsuna's eyes widened dramatically. With strength he didn't know he possessed, he pushed the boy off of him with a cry of, "Good grief, he's naked!"

He scrambled to his feet and hid behind his mother, a dark blush already on his face. He peeked carefully around his mother, noticing that the boy wasn't moving. "Is he… dead?"

Tsuna grabbed his hair with his hands and began to moan pitifully. "Oh my god, I knew it! Those people aren't anything but con artists who use unsuspecting mothers to pawn off their dead victims who fail to pay their protection money on time!" He straightened and slapped a closed fist into his open palm. "Okay, mom, calm down! Now is not the time to be panicking. You go start the car, I'll get the shovels."

"Tsuna," his mother said in exasperation. "He's not dead. He's just… sleeping."

"Are you sure?" Tsuna asked, a shovel already slung over his shoulder.

"Positive. Now why don't you bring down some of your old clothes so we can get him dressed, okay?"

"Okay," he said reluctantly. He went into his room quickly and found whatever that looked too big for him, not wanting his mom to be alone with the naked unconscious boy downstairs.

He returned downstairs and handed her the clothes, once again turning away with a blush as she began to go about the task of putting clothes on a naked stranger.

When she was finally done dressing the boy, Tsuna finally got a good look at him -- it? -- for the first time. He had short black hair and a slightly rugged face, and he was now dressed in the white jersey his father had sent that was too big for him and a pair of black shorts.

Dressed like that, he didn't look like a guardian robot at all. He looked… just like a normal teenager.

He looked up when he heard his mother hum thoughtfully. She was holding a book in her hands that read on the front, 'Guardian.EXE Instruction Manual.' Suddenly, she giggled and looked over the book cover at him.

"What…?" Tsuna asked slowly, a feeling of dread already building within him.

"It says here -- teehee -- that to active your guardian… you must --hee – breathe life into them using mouth to mouth. Apparently, there are certain traits that can be extracted through a person's breath." Finally, she broke off into an un-motherly giggle, covering the bottom half of her blushing face with the manual.

Tsuna stared at his mother, deadpan. "You're kidding… right?"

"I'm afraid not." She tried to appear serious, but clearly she was enjoying herself much more than a normal mother should.

"No," Tsuna said resolutely.

"Then you're grounded for a month."


"Two months."

"You can't do that!"

"Six months."

"Okay, okay! Sheesh! Parents, always blackmailing their children…" He looked down at the supposedly sleeping boy and sighed heavily. He knelt down in front of him, his eyes immediately honing in on slightly parted lips. Pink… human looking lips.

He was about to lose his first kiss to a machine! The humiliation!

His mother giggled again and he glared at her, feeling mortified enough without his fan girl-ing mom there to make it worse. Strengthening his resolve, he closed the rest of the distance, pressing his lips against the others.

They were cold.

Like death.

Before Tsuna could withdraw in horror, the boy under him inhaled shakily, his brown eyes opening slowly to ensnare Tsuna where he knelt. They stared into each others' eyes before finally, his Guardian smiled and said, "Hello." He grabbed the back of Tsuna's head and pushed their lips together once more.

And this time, the kiss was hot.

Tsuna's mother fainted to the floor with a thump.