Title: Perfect Lives

Author: Rhion

Rating: T

Summary: Caspian and Susan have a conversation about their lives

Disclaimer: Yeah, I definately don't own this.

AN: Absolute crack fic. I make the argument here that even if Caspian and Susan have nothing else in common - they have the fact that they've been given the rawest deal of CS Lewis' characters. Caspian always has those things which he loves taken away from him (his friends the Pevensies, then his wife, then his son, whom he only gets to see for two seconds before keeling over dead), and then there's Susan - who for some unexplained reason is only interested in boys, skirts, and makeup and not only that - she looses all her family in friends to some freak train wreck. What the hell is up with that? So - as the two most screwed over - they should comiserate and make eachother happy. Yeah. Definately tongue-firmly-in-cheek humour here people.

Also inbetween all the naughty stuff I've been writing, I came up with this little ficlet. If you'd like to find my otherworks - please adjust your rating settings to 'M'.

A tall lanky man with curly dark hair is laying on a grassy hill, hands behind his head as he stares at the sky. Boredom and mild irritation radiate from him. When a petite curvy woman - who in many a man's opinion was quite fit - with long wavy hair that was so dark a brown as to be almost black plunks down next to him in a not-so-dainty fashion, he merely raises an eyebrow in inquiry.

Caspian: Why do I have the feeling you are in quite a mood?

Susan: Because I am in a mood.

Caspian: snorts Would it happen to be because of That Time?

Susan: giving him a glare that has caused many a man to wet his pants. No!

Caspian: looks at her dubiously You sure? You seem a touch.. touchy.

Susan: Well wouldn't you be? Our creator completely screwed me over. No one likes me.

Caspian: he perks up at this - most of the other characters quite like their lives and now he's curious What do you mean 'no one likes you'? You're supposed to be the most beautiful woman Narnia ever saw.

Susan: she shrugged Well apparently I turned into a slagg for no reason. And only the boys like a slagg - and just for one thing.

Caspian: feeling a bit guilty for his own naughty thoughts Sounds like Lewis fucked you over. But - if it makes you feel better - you're not alone.

Susan: frowns Oh? How'd he fuck you over? You're life's perfect!

Caspian: humourless laughing Well I suppose. But try this on for size: I got married and had a lovely wife for a few years. But - here's the kicker - I always had to call her star's daughter (non-capitals y'know) because she didn't have a name.

Susan: sympathetic That's screwed up. Well I had no real character developement.

Caspian: Ah yeah, that always sucks. I was always perfect. Have you ever tried being perfect all day long? Other guys get to fart and belch and toss their dirty laundry on the floor, and have B.O.. Me? gestures to artfully messy curls Do you know how hard it is to keep my hair like this? And smelling like I just came out of the forest with just that hint of oil from my sword? OH and let's not forget the whole part where I'm Mr. Sweetness and Light, Oh Let Me Please Defend You, Knight/King/Prince In Shining Armour bit. I can't even get away with cursing like a normal human being. Well - here I can. But out there? waves hand at the literary world as well as fandom Oh and to top it off some snake bitch killed my wife (star's daughter - do you know how hard that is to say in the throes of passion? Quite a mouthful) and brainwashed my son. Oh and star's daughter? When I got to Aslan's Country I found out she didn't really love me all that much and she decided to go live with her pop's. Which I think Frued would have something to say about that... So I'm all alone here.

Susan: laying one delicate hand on his knee gently Well at least you got some happiness. Even if it was only for alittle while... But I do have to agree - you've had a pretty raw deal.

Caspian: sitting up and taking her hand with a cynical smile Y'know? You're right. We're totally screwed over. So for that very reason - we should say screw everyone and let's go fuck like bunnies. You up for that?

Susan: blushing Definately - I always had a thing for the lanky guys... with swords... and big hands... and big feet... Is it true what they say?

Caspian: Well that's one area I wasn't fucked over in... I am perfect you know...with much waggling of eyebrows and an evil grin So care to let me fuck you over...?

And so two of the characters who got the worst deal went at it like bunnies for eternity. Much to everyone else's chagrin - Caspian was a talker, and Susan a screamer. Particularly CS Lewis - who was rolling over in his grave, unable to tolerate anyone actually being happy in the long run.

The End