A/N: Timeframe is after Marlin
Trying for a little less angst for some of you...you know who you are.
Only Two Options
If you know what's good for you you'll pick up the phone and call Graham right now. Sarah, you know you need a reassignment.
I stand by the side of my bed looking at my phone with Graham's cell number punched in. All I have to do is hit send. With a sigh that holds as much exasperation and frustration as it does fear and anxiety, I put the phone away. Somehow, I just can't make that call.
Walker, you're going to have to come to grips with this situation. The longer you do nothing the sooner you will do something you'll regret, something that will eventually hurt you and Chuck.
I've looked at my choices before, stay in LA and continue as Chuck's handler. I will keep him thinking that our relationship is as fake as my cover job. But I know that sooner or later we are going to be put in a situation where I will act on the emotions I try to hide from myself. It is only a matter of time. Besides, he already knows. He's just giving me time. God, what a great guy he is.
Stop it. Look what you're doing. Quit thinking of him like that. It only makes matters worse.
My other option, I think as I focus on my original train of thought is to use the phone and call Graham. I could slip out of LA without a word and never look back…or could I? Sarah…can you do it?
My breathing picks up as I challenge myself. I know I am as close to doing it as I've ever been…or ever will be.
With another sigh of complete and utter frustration I say, Sarah Walker, how have you managed to put yourself in this situation? I look around my hotel room. It is starting to feel cramped. I miss my apartment in Washington. Not that I'm ever there but that's where I keep all of my stuff. My rock climbing gear, my parachute, my kayak, my Harley, hell even my bicycle…all the things I love. I don't do any of that here. I miss it.
You can have it back with one phone call. It's like the devil's side of my conscience talking to me.
But if you do that, you will hurt the one man in this world who loves you with all his heart. He loves you with a purity of spirit that you didn't even know existed until you met him. OK, there's the angel side. I then wonder why it is that I chose to put the reasoning of going back to Washington as the Devils side. Interesting, I think.
If I do leave Chuck, what will that do to my love life in the future? Will I ever find someone else who measures up? I can see myself at sixty years of age. Old and lonely having given up on the one true love that I had and then either refusing to date other men or just dating one and moving on because no one is Chuck Bartowski. I shake my head to snap out of it.
I sit on my bed looking at my phone. I am a mess. I am beyond a mess. I can't talk to anyone about this. I have no friends outside the agency and no one inside would lend a sympathetic ear. I would hear from each and every one of them that the right thing to do is to use the phone. I know that it's true as well.
So why don't I do it?
The answer is obvious…but I don't want to say it even to myself. I don't want to even think it. I want to put my fingers in my ears and say LA LA LA LA LA loud as I can to block the very thought from my mind.
Tonight, I thought Chuck was going to be locked up for the rest of his life. It scares me to think how close he came to that conclusion. It scares me to think how close I was to stepping between him and the CIA. Now that really scares me. That would have been a move that I could not come back from and yet I was probably closer to doing that than I am to using my phone.
Just then my phone rings and I almost jump out of my skin.
I don't need to look to know who's calling. But I do anyway. I can't help but smile when I see the picture of my goofy asset pop up on my screen.
"Hey Chuck, what do you want?" I say a little harshly and wish I hadn't had.
"Sarah…I just wanted to say thanks."
"Thanks for what Chuck?"
"For everything, going through the garbage with me, saving me from the pita girl…being there for me."
I know what he means. What he means by being there for him is that I care about what happens to him. He knows I care about him. He's just giving me a chance to come clean. As much as I would like to say something else I know I have to keep him at bay.
"Well it would look bad on my record if I let you get captured by Fulcrum."
"Yeah, we don't want that."
He's not buying it. "Chuck, I'm tired can we talk in the morning?"
"Yeah, that's the other reason I called…"
"To tell you goodnight."
I can't help it. I smile in spite of myself. "Goodnight Chuck."
I throw myself on the bed and look at the ceiling. Only two options, I say and wonder when I will get the courage to act or when will this assignment go bad.
Only two options…I went to sleep thinking those infuriating three words.