MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE FLIES TO THE YARD
A lament on the state of fanfiction today.
Hi! My name is (Insert Name of Preference Here, otherwise known as an Author Insert in which case this ought to be Tally) and one day I was talking with my bestest friends Lavendar (glad to hear your best friend has a weird yet still strangely cliched nickname. No, really, I am) who is really beautiful and has purple hair & eyes (fancy that! What a coincidence that her name and features so closely match! By the way, please stick to using words instead of symbols in the future, kthxbai) & Sapphire who has blue hair & is really cool and all the boys love her but not as much as they love me of course (yes, indeed. Of course. Silly me to think that someone else could possibly be more popular than Name of Preference).
I was wearing a pretty sparkly orange halterneck top that perfectly hightlighted my stunning (Insert Colour of Preference Here ; not something that clashes with orange, though we know that can be rather difficult to think of) eyes, crystal clear skin (that's a new one. Crystal? What are you, translucent or a Stephanie Meyer vampire?) and massive natural breasts which my friend Miranda says are fake but they're not but she's a cow anyway and not really my friend so it doesn't count! (...Yes, dear. We believe you).
So I was walking with my two best friends who are really pretty but I'm still prettier than they are, then all of a sudden I was in the world of Kingdom Hearts! And so were they. (Really. Pity, that, unleashing three great forces of stupidity upon the hapless worlds). Only Saix wasn't there cos I don't like him (really? Couldn't be because he doesn't have stunningly good chiseled looks that you don't like him, could it? And it's 'because') and Mickey and Donald. Goofy was there though, cos he's kawaii. (Oooh, fangirlism, bad spelling/grammar and bestiality combine. Amazing).
I fainted from the shock but Sora revived me with mouth to mouth resuscitation (which of course you do not know how to perform and likely neither does Sora, being a game character and therefore unable to give this to you, as well as the fact that a mere faint does not usually require the Kiss of Life) so later on I found him in an empty classroom at the school we all went to, even Lavendar and Sapphire (shock! You're at a school now? Is it high school?) I gave him a kiss for saving my life. (Oh, yeah. Of course it's high school. People don't feel as many sexual urges in middle school). He really liked it & kissed me back so we made out until the bell went and Riku came to find us. Riku got all jealous cos he likes me and Sora both (oh, yes, naughty author, including your fantasies. Wait, what am I talking about? This entire thing is one big mind-numbing ball of fantastic shit) but he can't have Sora cos he's MINE!! Bwah ha ha ha! (Lovely evil laugh, there, and abuse of exclamation points and capslock both. Ah, more grammar issues. Story (dis)continuation is a given, too). So get your hands of him lol. (Not even commenting - well, maybe just a little - on the missing 'f' and the chatspeak. Don't go there, guys). But when Rikku saw that Sora was so in love with me he got really depressed & cut his wrists and there was blood all over the place (are you sure that's not just Rikku's period, since the mood swing and two r's seem to indicate that he is in fact a female character from Final Fantasy X who appears in Kingdom Hearts II?) but then Lavendar came in & gave him mouth to mouth resuscitation so he's ok and in love with her now (really...).
Then one day in science I made this funny potion & accidentally knocked it over just like Yuffie would but Yuffie's cool and so am I so it doesn't matter and it fell on the guys in my class (how unusual. Oh, typical self-and-Yuffie-flattery, too. And a mysterious potion! At school! Who would've thought it?) EVERYONE TURNED CHIBI! (...my brain hurts. Stop, please). Sora was so cute clinging to me as a chibi even though I loved him more when he was big and hot and Kairi screamed when she opened a cupboard and found chibi!Demyx and chibi!Zexion having sex cos she's homophobic and a bitch (and it is of course perfectly normal to expect to find to young children having gay sex in a school cupboard).
Namine was standing there & crying and she didn't know what to you (nice to see you made an intelligent person stupid. Thanks for that. And why can't you at least be consistent in your use of symbols?) so I quickly made another potion & turned them all back to normal. & Sapphire was happy cos she had her true love Riku back again (even though I'm reasonably sure that it was Lavendar who had been in love with him) and Lavendar had a bitchfight with Kairi (in which Super!Lavendar called on her Pretty Flower Powers of Purple Light and won the battle) and got Roxas (there was a prize involved? This is sounding like slavery) and we all lived happily ever after cos King Mickey gave up his throne so I could be queen cos I'm good at it and he vanished (So Mickey exists now, but once again conveniently vanishes. Really) and we all lived happily ever after (again) and I had 5 babies with Sora and 5 more so he had 5 and I had 5 (which makes ten, hopefully, but I could be wrong. This is defeating logic, basically). The END hahaha!
If your story looks like this, please, delete it or start over. Without any of the original elements, preferably.
Love Tally (who has her last free day since today is the last day of exams. Bugger. No more internet time. Awww).