There Emmett sat, horror struck.
I knew I looked smug, but I couldn't help it. I grabbed some tongs and began to dish out Charlie's plate.
"Thanks, Bells" he murmured. "You're in luck, Emmett. Bella is a great cook."
Emmett, who looked like a deer in headlights, whimpered an unintelligible response. If vampires could sweat, he would be dripping. I put a chicken breast on a plate for myself, then put the remaining three breasts on Emmett's plate. I made sure to pile at least 2 cups of linguini onto his plate, along with a large salad.
"Enjoy, Emmett! Tell me what you think of the sauce…I added a bit more cheese than usual." I tried to look innocent, but, damn, was I having fun with this! He reluctantly took the plate, staring down at his steamy meal with fearful eyes.
IS BELLA REALLY DOING THIS? WHAT? SWEET LORD ALMIGHTY, WHAT DO I DO?
THINK, EMMETT, THINK!! FASTER…MUST… THINK… FASTER! HOW CAN I GET OUT OF THIS????? WITHOUT MAKING CHARLIE SUSPICIOUS? WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO? THIS FOOD LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE CRAP, I ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT EAT IT!!!! I tried to eat a sausage once…let's just say, it did not go well… NO WAY, NO WAY IN SATAN'S HELL IS LITTLE VENGEFUL, BRATTISH, BELLA SWAN GOING TO MAKE ME EA-
"Something wrong, Emmett?" Asked Bella, who was wearing a falsely innocent and upset facial expression.
Ha. HA HA HA!!!!!!! 'Something wrong?' Did she REALLY ask that?
"No, I feel fine, Isabella. Thank you for asking, though" I said in a courteous tone. Yeah, everything is fine, alright, I'm just about to eat your DEMONIC chicken crap-a-sean, and have to pretend to enjoy the torturous SLITHERING of "food" down my throat!!!
Edward snorted, smirked, and looked away. I glared at him from across the table. He would pay for this later- for not helping me, for not intervening…for not protecting me from his satanic girlfriend!
I shakily picked up my knife. Bella was watching me, her eyes locked on mine, with hawk-like precision. I stabbed the chicken with my fork, watching the flesh sink and tear as I cut off the most miniscule chunk I could.
Wait a second.
I'M A FREAKING GENIOUS!
I'LL BEAT HER AT HER OWN GAME!
You think you got me, Bella? Do you? DO YOU?
Well, news-flash, honey, YOU DON'T!
"It Smells DE-LISH!" I proclaimed heartily, as I threw the chunk into my mouth and swallowed it whole. Yes, it slithered down my throat, and yes, it tasted disgusting, AND, yes, I would pay for it later. But, oh, so would Bella!
He is supposed to be squirming. Wrapped around my pinkie. At my every wish and command.
"This is FANTASTIC, Bella! Chief Swan is right- you are AMAZING!" He was now staring at me, his beady, black eyes pulsing under the intensity of his gaze.
Edward looked confused, which is odd, because I could tell he was enjoying every minute of Emmett's mental torture a few moments ago.
"He's right, Bells, this is great." Said Charlie, who was eating ravenously.
"It smells delicious, Bella. I'm sorry that I ate earlier…" proclaimed Edward, who gave me his famous, heart-stopping half-smile. I got so lost in his eyes, that I dropped my knife right into the linguine bowl.
"OOPS!" I said quickly, retrieving my knife. I glanced at Emmett, whose eyes were STILL locked on mine. He looked determined. WHAT is up with him? How is he almost done eating? You know, maybe he decided that he had better be on his best behavior, or else he will have to face my wrath later. That MUST be it!
Blissful, stupid, and totally-unaware.
These are what I call BA's, or "Bella-Adjectives". The special branch of vocabulary that can be used to describe her Bambi-like obliviousness. I downed the rest of the slimy linguine and pungent green leaves (covered in sour oil, or whatever she calls "vinaigrette"), smiling the entire time.
"Well! Edward, do you mind clearing the table? I need to make dessert!"
Bella dropped her knife, AGAIN, the klutz, and stared me dead in the face. "WHAT?" She said, a little too loudly, as the panic became evident on her face.
"You can cook?' Asked Charlie. "Hmm", he contemplated, "I wouldn't have thought you the...culinary type."
"Didn't you know, Chief Swan, that I went to Le Cordon Bleu Culinary School?" I flashed him an innocent smile. Total B.S., but what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
Charlie looked caught off-guard, and flustered. "Well, no I didn't…" He mumbled.
Edward looked confused, suspicious, and slightly angry.
Bella was paralyzed with fear.
I got up in a hurry, towards the freezer, to get the ice cream ready.
"We'll be having Dark-chocolate ice-cream with a bittersweet ganache topping for dessert, everyone. It's my specialty!" I roared.
I slyly put my hand in my pocket, retrieving the bottle I had taken from Carlisle's medical supply. It read:
"X-LAX: TO RELIEVE YOUR WORST CONSTIPATION... Now chocolate flavored!"
It's like shooting fish in a barrel.