Chapter 1: Take Sweets From Strangers
Author's Note: I have to say, it's pretty freaking awesome to no longer be a fan fiction virgin. I enjoyed my cherry popping experience, don't get me wrong (you whores are amazing), but when you write your second story you definitely go into "I'm A Woman, Watch Me Pop Off On You" mode.
So for every one of my crazy fangirls who followed me to this story, welcome. How can I make you comfortable?
I'm glad our ONS meant as much to you as it did to me. I'll try to turn up the heat on our second date.
Summary/Things You Need to Know/Hitchhiker's Guide to My New Piece: Come with me as we transport back to a simpler time where Rory was 16/17 and naive. Except I kind of flipped that whole idea on its head, threw Rory into High!Society! and casted a bunch of awesome people to play in my fictional world of the obscenely privileged. I got the idea to throw out Stars Hollow (as the center stage; no worries, I'm putting that frakked up town in here one way or another) from my new love, Gossip Girl. Rory is hopefully going to be an awesome bitch, Jess is well, he's not poor, he goes to Chilton and the story should explain just exactly how I am writing him. Along with Rory at my new!improved!Chilton are the ones who were there (including Tristan) along with Logan, Finn and Colin and then some characters I created on my own accord from other influences.
And Lorelai stayed in society. So yes, slap me with your Prada bag now. I didn't have the pregnant girl rebel. That never happened, at least not in the runaway with the baby way.
If you haven't caught on, the story is in an alternate universe and I think every character, at one point or another, will be OOC.
Hopefully that gives you the background knowledge you need to go into this piece with a certain understanding. Any other questions, just ask. I have a Magic 8 Ball on hand when I write for a reason.
Disclaimer: The original morphing idea came from Gossip Girl, as I said above, which means I might steal a few things from that show/book series to create my characters around certain things/relationships. And I don't own the alphabet. I got a letter yesterday saying I had to stop saying I owned all words. Webster totally bums me out hardcore.
Rory took a sip out of her champagne glass. She glanced around the room, searching for her boyfriend, Logan Huntzberger, who per usual, was nowhere to be found.
He was probably off in some blonde's hair, busy figuring out how far he could shove certain things down her throat.
She hated her mother's parties. But when your mother's profession was "Connecticut Socialite," also known as a glorified party girl, parties with leering fifty-year-old men and gossipy plastic enhanced women was your life.
She noticed Jess Mariano was sitting on the couch with his usual satisfied smirk adorning his lovely features.
He was either stoned or had just gotten a blowjob from the blonde Logan was probably all up in at the moment.
Even though Jess was a pig, Rory had to admit he was Calvin Klein underwear ad gorgeous. And he was her partner in crime when she didn't want to get her stilettos dirty.
Since it looked like her mission to finally lose her virginity had failed, she figured she might as well go talk to Jess.
At least he was entertaining.
Jess pretended to not notice Rory making her way towards him on the couch.
But really, who could pretend not to notice those legs? They went on forever.
Jess loved when Rory wore those short black dresses. He knew she did it to look like Audrey Hepburn, but he just enjoyed how accessible her thighs were.
And other things.
Not that he'd ever gotten there. Rory was the only virgin left at Chilton (even Paris had swiped her innocence) and Jess knew his chances of getting her to cash in her V-card with him were nearly impossible.
She loved to hate him, which wasn't exactly the most flattering thing. But it could be worse. She thought Tristan DuGrey was an STD infested sloth.
Rory hovered over Jess, giving him her perfect bitch smile.
"So where is your lover boy?" he prodded, knowing exactly where Logan was. Stevie Wonder knew where Logan was.
"Probably off with the same blonde who gave you that satisfied smirk," Rory deadpanned, downing the rest of her champagne.
Jess looked up and smirked. "How about we go into your room, take off our clothes and stare into each others eyes? I'll even listen if you want to cry about him."
Rory chuckled. "How much ass has that line gotten you?"
"I've been up enough Chilton skirts to tell you wool is itchy."
"But only up each one once. No girl goes back to Jess for seconds."
"I just pass them off to Logan when I am done with them."
Rory looked down. "Touché."
Jess faltered. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But why do you stay with him when you know right now Miss Blonde is down on her knees in your guest room?"
Rory ignored the fact that Jess Mariano sounded like he cared about how she was feeling and kept her walls securely up. "Trust funds are very attractive."
"We all have trust funds."
"Ah yes, but none like Logan's."
"And people think you're nice."
"We all have to climb the social ladder someway."
Jess smiled. "I have a proposition for you."
"I'm not letting you seduce me."
"I'm not trying. I know how much you love being a bitch."
"It's what I live for."
"So why not make Logan jealous and get rid of that pesky virgin label all at once?"
Rory laughed. "I'd rather let Cujo deflower me."
"I love it when you talk dirty."
Rory rolled her eyes. "And it's not like I'd enjoy it. No one enjoys their first time."
"True. But I'm Jess Mariano. I'd make sure you enjoyed your first time."
"How thoughtful of you."
"If you please me, I'll please you."
"Try again after I've had more than one glass of champagne."
Jess shook his head. "You're such a tease."
Logan entered the party, readjusting his tie and running a hand through his hair, immediately spotting his girlfriend having an actual conversation with Jess Mariano.
The guy was his best friend but he knew for a fact Rory hated him.
She must be desperate for entertainment.
Logan walked up to her, placed an arm protectively around her waist and kissed her cheek.
"Hey Ace," he whispered in her ear.
Forcing a smile like the good Gilmore girl she was, Rory gave him a brief flash of her perfect teeth and turned her attention back to Jess.
She might not be willing to cash in her v-card to Jess, but what harm could a little flirting do?
"Why are you talking to Jess? You loathe Jess."
"Aw Rory, is that true? You find me loathsome?"
"Did you hear that Logan? Your girlfriend is warming up to me."
"It shouldn't be. I know how to warm girls up. I'm a pro at finding those pressure points."
Rory forced herself to blush.
She noticed that Jess' tie had come loose and thought fixing it might make Logan's blood boil.
For all his fault's, he was insanely possessive of Rory.
Okay, maybe that was a fault as well, but Rory found it utterly irresistible.
She bent down, starting her giggle a bit early and grabbed a hold of Jess' tie. "Just thought I'd tighten it back up," she said, with a grin.
She didn't mean for it to happen, but her nose grazed with Jess' for a brief moment.
She stared at him. A smirk wasn't adorning his Calvin Klein features at Rory's attempt to make Logan jealous.
His eyes were locked on hers.
No, she thought to herself, there was not tension in that nose graze.
Snap out of it, Rory Gilmore. You cannot have any type of feelings except hate for Jess Mariano. He was a womanizer. A dog. Not her knight in shining armor.
Jess just sat there. A nose graze and he was hard.
What the hell was going on? Jess Mariano did not get hard from a nose graze from his best friend's bitch of a girlfriend.
But she did still have a hold of his tie.
Why wasn't she letting go?
Logan cleared his throat, breaking up their moment of confused tension.
He grabbed Rory's hand, pulling her away from Jess.
Logan jerked her into a corner so everyone wouldn't witness their little 'spat,' as Emily called them. Everyone seemed to have, at one time or another, witnessed a Rory/Logan 'spat.'
But the nose graze had already done its damage. The party was a flutter with the news that Rory was cheating on Logan with Jess.
In an hour, she'd be pregnant with twins, one belonging to Logan, the other Jess'.
It didn't matter that it was public knowledge that she was still as pure as snow, the true Virgin Mary of Chilton.
Oh the power of gossip.
Logan had a hold of one of her wrist, but she quickly squirmed her way out of his clutches.
"Rory, what was that?"
She acted like nothing had happened. "What was what?" She asked, grabbing another glass of champagne from a passing waiter and downing it in one sip.
She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
Logan fumed. "You know what I'm talking about," he gestured toward Jess, who was busy chatting up Rory's mother. "That little show you put on with Jess."
"That wasn't a show. I was fixing his tie."
"Your noses touched."
Rory choked back the vomit that was forcing its way up her throat. She wanted badly to hurl all over his Armani suit.
Instead, she gave him a sinister smile. "There was no nose touching."
"You were practically nose humping."
"Nose humping, Logan? Seriously?"
"Don't say my name like I'm a child."
"I hate Jess. I would never 'nose hump' with him, whatever that means." She fished around in the pockets of her Marc Jacobs dress for a cigarette.
"I know you hate Jess, but I also know how much you love your little games."
"There are no games. I fixed his tie. I didn't take him to the pool house and blow him until he was walking around going on and on about nose humping." Rory gave him a cold smile. "Oh wait, that's you."
Logan shifted, visibly uncomfortable with the direction this conversation had taken. He didn't say a word.
Rory shook her head. "You don't even try to deny it anymore." Her eyes had taken on a glassy shine. "Damn Logan."
"Rory…" Logan started, in a warning tone.
And then, she lost it. "Rory what? What, Logan? This is my mother's party, at my house, which means I can speak to you however I want." Logan reached out for her hand, but she pulled back.
"No, don't touch me! Get away from me!" She stopped her tirade, realizing all eyes were on her.
She looked around, then down at her feet, her cheeks turning a deep shade of pink.
Mumbling an "excuse me," she stalked off to her bedroom, slamming the door.
Logan looked up and locked eyes with Jess, whose features held a satisfied smirk for a moment before he glanced back down into his glass of scotch.
Cue the gossip Hartford hounds to put their spin on this moment.
"I hear Lorelai is sending her off to rehab for her drinking problem. Did you see how she downed that glass of champagne? She is a seriously troubled young woman."
Tristan's mother sure was desperate to make someone else's child out to be an utter embarrassment.
"I thought she was going to rehab for her sex addiction?"
Never count on your friends to defend you. That's one lesson you learn in society; even the bitches that suck up to you in the courtyard, commenting on how much they covet your Coach purse, will enjoy your mini breakdowns.
"Wait, isn't she a virgin?" asked the one sensible girl in the group, which meant she was probably just a freshman.
Freshman only served one purpose and that was to service the upper class boys.
"Not since she started getting it on in the pool house with Jess." Because of course, Rory would go there.
"The pool house? That's so trailer trash," says the girl whose mother climbed the social ladder by sleeping with any businessman with a bad heart. Too bad she started out in a trailer park in Riverside. That's just socially unacceptable.
"I just hope the poor girl gets the help she needs. We don't need another Girl Interrupted on our hands." Ah yes, be the sensible mother, Mrs. DuGrey. If you're going to spread gossip, at least be a peach about it and hope the "poor child" is saved.
"Maybe she's just following in E's footsteps." Who is E? Oh, you mean that E. If that's true, this will be a a fun year.
"I heard E got kicked out of boarding school and is headed back here." That's actually believable. E was only good at two things and both have one word in common: blow.
"R is going to have a fit. Everyone knows E and L got it on right before she went to boarding school. R's mom walked in on them doing it on R's bed." That's classy. I hope Lorelai at least bought her new sheets.
"No way!" These freshman really need a 101 class on the rules of spreading gossip. Never question; just make it even more unbelievable, so unreal that it becomes real.
"Way. And I heard E got pregnant, had the baby and sold it for cocaine money." Let's hope she got a good deal.
"I don't think so. I heard she was a model in France." Model or crack baby? Which do you believe? Remember, this is high society.
"When you're that thin, you never show." You might want to put down that doughnut, sweet cheeks.
"She probably didn't even know she was pregnant. She probably went to the bathroom and boom, out fell a baby."
Jess couldn't help but smile at what he was overhearing. The best and worst thing about the life of the insanely privileged was how ridiculous the gossip was.
If E really was returning, the wrath Rory released on Logan was just a preview of what she was going to do to E.
He imagined total life destruction would be her plan of action at the news of her ex best friend's return.
He thought for a moment about going to check on Rory but quickly realized checking on her would make it appear that he cared about her.
Jess Mariano did not care about girls, especially a girl like Rory Gilmore.
What was going on with him? Was he experiencing feelings for someone other than himself?
He shook off his lapse in judgment as a side effect from the weed he smoked right before this party.
The only way to get through social engagements was to a) get wasted off of champagne at the party.
But that option could lead to you humping the wrong person or having a Rorylike meltdown, so there was also b) smoking a joint prior to arriving.
Your eyes were dilated, but the truly fabulous can get away with sunglasses indoors.
And then there was c) having sex in a guest room while the hors d'ouvers were being served and your parents yammered on about how it would be tough for you to choose between Yale, Harvard and Brown (the college version of The Hamptons for the wealthy).
Jess preferred options b or c, but lately, he hadn't partaken in option c as much
But don't tell anyone at the party. He had a reputation to keep intact.
Rory had her face buried in one of her ultra soft goose feather pillows, snot staining the perfect white sham it was encased in and mascara dripping off her cheeks.
She heard the distinct 'knock, knock' sound at her door and knew it was her mother.
"Enter if you must," she bellowed, in her most dramatic voice.
"Are you auditioning for a remake of Godfather III or something?"
Rory jerked her head up from her pillow, giving her mother the perfect WTF look, furrowed brow and all. "What?"
"You're little performance out there was more dramatic than the original Sophia dying scene." Lorelai clutched her stomach, mocking the scene. "Daddy," she whispered and fell over.
Rory, even though she didn't want to, cracked a smile.
Lorelai stayed on the floor. She liked to lay on the floor because, as she said, 'The carpet cost more than she ever would, so she might as well cuddle with it as much as possible.'
"And the way you said 'enter if you must' was more dramatic than anything Lauren Conrad will ever do."
"I'm the east coast version of Marissa Cooper."
"Please don't start throwing chairs in the pool."
"I'm not sure if I'll be able to control my rage."
"Does mommy need to send you off to rehab?"
Rory laughed. "Is that what they are saying out there?"
"I just found out you have a sex addiction. Rory, is there something you need to get off your chest?"
"Well I guess sex addiction could encompass porn. Are you addicted to porn?"
"'One Night in Paris' really didn't do anything for me."
"It was more of a suspense movie than a sex tape."
"I still wonder about who called her."
"But you never think about the sex."
"So really, it was a Hitchcockian snuff film."
"If it had a bald midget that randomly appeared in Paris Hilton's vagina, it would have been vintage Hitchcock."
Rory swallowed a lump that had suddenly formed in her throat. Was she about to cry over Hitchcock being placed in Paris Hilton's vagina?
That wasn't why the she was unable to swallow an invisible lump.
She sighed. "I'd rather not talk about vaginas."
"I'm not talking about penises with you."
"Did I say I wanted to talk about penises?"
"Okay, I'll cross off all genitalia talk from this conversation." Lorelai eased her way into the reason she had found her daughter with mascara stained cheeks. "So, how's Logan?"
Rory rolled her eyes. "I thought we weren't going to talk about genitalia."
"What did Logan do to deserve dick status today?"
"I'd rather not talk about it," she mumbled, searching her pockets again for that cigarette she still hadn't found.
"Well, how's Jess Mariano?"
Rory stopped. Her eyes quickly shot up and locked with her mothers. "Why would you ask about Jess Mariano?"
"I saw you two chatting prior to your fight with our favorite male genitalia and just wondered if they were in anyway connected."
"When did you become Nancy Drew?" Rory barked, defensively.
"So something did happen with Jess," Lorelai responded in her motherly 'I know so give up on the charade' tone.
"Nothing happened with Jess. I fixed his tie to piss off Logan and it worked."
"Shouldn't you be doing cartwheels on top of the table instead of hiding from society since your plan worked?"
"Cartwheels would make the soufflés fall."
"So you cried to protect the soufflés?"
"It was just a fight, mom."
Lorelai sighed. She wasn't a fan of Logan's. The trust fund didn't make up for his dog like tendencies. And he didn't win any points with her when she found him trading croissants for cocaine at their last society brunch.
But let's be honest, isn't a cocaine brunch tastier than a plain ole croissant?
"Well your grandmother spun it quite nicely."
"That's because she knows every other woman out there is pawing at Logan for their daughter."
"Or for herself."
"This town isn't short on MILF's."
A silence hit the room hard, Lorelai giving her daughter a chance to talk about whatever had happened while she was adjusting Jess Mariano's tie.
Rory's life was one very long, very tedious movie; the movie that no one checked out from Blockbuster except for the lonely girls who never went out on Friday nights.
She was Audrey Hepburn in an extended version of Breakfast at Tiffany's meets Lord of The Rings. It was full of diamonds, but painfully long.
But Rory didn't make a peep, instead opting to write this part of the script with an inner monologue.
Oh how tragic her life was. Hamlet had nothing on Miss Rory Gilmore.
Lorelai stood up, trying to smooth out the wrinkles that had appeared in the five minutes she'd been lying on the ground.
The rich didn't wear wrinkle proof materials.
She started to leave. "I better go back out there…" she began, but Rory quickly cut her off.
"What is your take on a nose graze?"
"You know, you lean forward, he leans forward and boom, a nose hump happens."
"A nose hump? I don't think noses can hump."
"Whatever. But your noses graze and you linger."
"Linger how so? Like did you linger because you humped his nose so hard it started gushing blood or was it a linger linger?"
"What's a linger linger?"
"You were about to kiss him, weren't you?"
Rory started scratching her neck. When she was nervous, she developed a rash on her neck.
Lorelai rolled her eyes, opting to play dumb. "Whomever you experienced this powerful nose graze with."
"I never said it was powerful."
"Just for a moment!"
"You called it a nose hump. Humping is a pretty powerful word. People replace certain other words with humping."
"There wasn't nose sex!"
Lorelai took a step back, almost stumbling in her shock. "Do you like him?"
"Your partner in nose humping!"
"Nose fornication isn't even real. It's something Eskimos do. I must have been drunk off champagne and my reflexes were slow."
"It's okay to want to kiss someone who's not your boyfriend."
"What kind of advice is that? You're my mother. You aren't supposed to advise me to cheat."
"Did you want to cheat?"
"Not with him. He's insufferable."
"Rory, you're getting that rash on your neck."
"I know! Nose fornication has given me a rash!"
"If he is affecting you like this…"
"No. I will always love Logan. Logan is the reason I have this rash. Logan and his need to devirginize every girl but me, his girlfriend! His perfect girlfriend!"
But didn't she just say…
Lorelai shifted uncomfortably. "Rory, I think you've forgotten I'm your mother and we agreed to pretend you are a virgin until you are on social security."
"You can't expect me to never have sex," she mumbled.
Lorelai paused. She thought of a way to reason with her daughter about Jess. "It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you had a Mr. Darcy."
"I already have a Cary Grant."
"Who you knew when he ate glue. Maybe you shouldn't be planning your future with a boy who once ate glue."
"And you want me to go off and nose hump with a boy whose one goal in life is to get up every Chilton skirt before he graduates?"
"It's a noble adventure."
"This will be the last thing I say…"
Rory rolled her eyes. Her mother would always have the last word even if it was 'I win, you lose, naa naa boo boo.'
"…I'm not saying go off and nose hump with the boy who shall remain nameless. I know his reputation. This town's Miracle-Gro is gossip. But there's something there."
"A shared hatred for each other."
"Well then maybe you can bond over being the president of each other's haters club."
"Because that is how all great romances begin."
"Maybe you need to brush up on your Austen."
Rory folded her arms over her chest, puffing up like a blowfish, her blood pressure rising each moment she wasted talking about Jess.
But didn't she instigate the conversation?
"Your last thing to say clock has officially run out."
"I need to go check on the food anyways. The shrimp cocktail is about to become toxic and I think my waiters relieved themselves in the pumpkin soup, so I have no confidence that they won't serve the deadly shrimp."
The urge to vomit hit Rory again. "I ate the pumpkin soup."
Lorelai smiled. "Well at least urine is sterile. And I heard they did worse to the crème brulee at the Anderson's last week."
Rory covered her mouth with her hand realizing what worse was. A thousand little sperm had been swimming around in everyone's stomach in Hartford for the past week.
Lorelai would take a little piss in the pumpkin soup over sperm on the dessert tray any day.
It was well known that the boys in the penguin suits didn't exactly relish serving the likes of Jess Mariano who was known to take the female wait staff to the bathroom and find interesting ways to use up all the shampoo.
He owed Rory over a hundred dollars in Fekkai apple cider clarifying shampoo.
At least he was clean in one way.
And the wait staff feared her Hulk of a mother, so the only way to retaliate was to put bodily fluids in her lobster crème sauce.
Lorelai exited Rory's room, pulling the door shut with extra care so the gossip wouldn't start up that Rory was having an Emily Rose type fit and she was rushing off to find a priest, a clergyman or some type of sedative.
Although, there was no short supply of Valium in high society, so if she needed one, the hands would fly in the air like someone had started the wave.
Her senses were suddenly attacked by the faint smell of Chanel No. 5 and French cigarettes.
"How is she doing?"
Lorelai pounced back, startled that her mother, in Lorelai's mind, had appeared like the bunny in a magic trick.
"God mother, how do you do that?"
Emily sucked on her bottom lip, then violently clicked her tongue. "What? Stand upright? It is this magnificent thing called evolution."
"Damn those apes for achieving higher thought."
"Would you propose we'd be better off if we all still walked around on all fours?"
"Some of us already do."
"I do hope you aren't referring to that ludicrous sexual position."
Lorelai smiled, coyly. "No, I am of course referring to people like Grizzly Man."
"Grizzly Man? What is that, some farfetched superhero?"
"It was a TV show about this man who thought he was a bear trapped in a man's body. He was mauled in the final episode."
"We don't mourn stupidity in this family, Lorelai. It's why we didn't attend your great-aunt Gabel's funeral."
"I thought we didn't attend her funeral because they lost her body."
"She was also a drunk who kicked puppies, so either way, we wouldn't have attended the funeral." Emily sighed. "Anyways, how is Rory doing?"
"I have to break the news to her that if she kicks puppies and likes her scotch, no one will attend her funeral, so I don't know how she is going to take that blow."
"Seriously Lorelai, I saw her little squabble with Logan."
"She didn't want to talk about Logan."
"You force her to talk about it. That is your motherly right."
"I believe she banished all genitalia from the conversation, which included Logan."
"Then what did you two talk about?"
"An exit strategy for Iraq."
"That involved Jess Mariano?"
"Were you snooping on us?"
Emily looked down into her now empty champagne glass. "I…"
"You didn't steal a piece of my crystal and hold it up to the door, did you? You know how I can't have smudges on my crystal. It was Aunt Susan's."
"Elvira's. Anyways, I just have remarkably good hearing."
"My mother, the dolphin."
Emily's face transformed into a shade of pink that matched her well thought out suit. "Why were you two discussing that boy? He is nearly pornographic."
"He's no Ron Jeremy."
"Pardon my language, but he fucks anything with two legs."
"Mother!" Lorelai squealed with delight.
"You know it's true."
"I'd hope not because dad has two legs."
"You know what I mean. You can't let that boy bother Rory."
"I think Rory can handle Jess without our guidance."
"But she has Logan…" Emily whined.
"Who is definitely pornographic."
"Mitchum pressures the boy. It's expected that he would rebel."
"And you think James doesn't pressure Jess?"
Emily started to become frustrated with Lorelai. "Rory and Logan are Hartford's Charles and Diana."
"And now Charles is with Camilla."
"But Diana and him remained quite close before she died."
"They shared children. Rory and Logan do not share children."
"One day they will. Perfect blonde haired, blue eyed children."
"I didn't know red heads pimped the Aryan race. Go Hitler, whose philosophy is obviously still alive in 2008."
"If she had children with Jess, they'd probably inherit his awful brown eyes."
"She's not having children with Jess. She doesn't like Jess!"
Emily smiled. "That's all I needed to know. As you were."
"As I were what? I'm not a statue."
Rory still had her head shoved under her pillow, nearly suffocating herself she was pressing down so hard, when she heard the distinctive happy tone of her cell phone.
At first, she didn't move, attempting to ignore what was most likely a drunken text message from Logan; but her curiosity took over her hands and she reached into her pocket, taking out her phone.
The text message was from a number she didn't recognize, but she hit the 'read' button anyways and read something that was more terrifying than Godzilla, her mother without makeup and the thought of sex with Jess Mariano.
Rory couldn't stop the urge to vomit this time.
Her black kitten heels were definitely ruined.
But at least that pumpkin soup was gone.
Thank god E's back. Rory's life had become way too simple without her.
Ending author's note: I left E's name E for the time being because I am mulling over different E names. Let the mystery eat you up inside. What if her name is Enemy? That'd make it pretty obvious who the bad guy in this story was. Wouldn't that be totally boss if people were named Hero and Villain and stuff like that? Maybe I'll name my kid Frenemy. That's a winner.
As you could probably tell, I set up the possible love triangle right away. Right now it's more of a triangle of confusion/hate/lust but I'm sure it'll produce something awesome. That or a new strand of syphilis.
Working in the gossip/gossip girlishness comments on the gossip is utterly fantastic. I hope you enjoy the little window into my high society through my version of the Chilton Gossip Girl.
Reviewers: Remember that I am mentally unstable so every time you are mean to me, I die a little inside.
I kid! I'm totally medicated, so my moods are somewhat stable.
Let's cut to the chase here. Will you stay in this house and continue to rock my world?