Title: Three men and a baby.

Characters: Rodney, John and Ronon.

Genre: Fluff – Okay, I couldn't resist it and this is the last one, I promise. Back to whump and angst after this. Honest.

Summary: As the title suggests.

Spoilers: Season five Search and Rescue – Big Spoilers so don't read if you're waiting for the season premier. Feedback is always appreciated.

McKay tore around the corner and nearly side swiped an oncoming scientist. After a quick derogative remark, he continued as fast as he could, feeling like his lungs were barely pulling in enough oxygen.

Another few paces and the frantic voice was back on the radio, "McKay!"

"I'm going as fast as I can!" he panted, "I'm nearly there."

"If you let me down I'll-"

"When have I ever let you down?" McKay asked, rolling his eyes, "I'm working as fast as I can – it's not exactly a life or death-"

"Run faster McKay!"

"Oh fine, stop being a baby!"

The line went dead and McKay considered slowing; his lungs were burning, his legs were aching and he was sweating. It wasn't worth this. Really. There were so many other things that he could be doing right now and-


"I'm coming!"

He arrived at Sheppard's door, screeched to a halt and took the briefest respite to compose himself. And it was brief. The door swished open and Ronon hauled him in by his t-shirt.

The howling coming from the squirming mass on Sheppard's bed was enough to make anybody insane. Why anyone would voluntarily have a child was beyond McKay.

Sheppard was standing over the baby with a towel thrown over his shoulder and his black t-shirt smothered in talcum powder.

The baby – Torren – was butt naked and screaming loudly.

"Come on buddy," Sheppard said with a grimace.

Ronon was sat across the room with his arms crossed, "That baby hates you."

Sheppard looked up and narrowed his eyes, "Rodney……."

McKay remembered why he was there and he passed the diaper bag over to Sheppard.

"Shhh," Sheppard muttered irritably as he searched the bag, "Isn't there an instruction manual in here?"

McKay, tired of watching Sheppard tussle with the bag, snatched it out of his hand and started his own search, "Really, this isn't rocket science……."

Ronon had stood up and was venturing towards Torren, looking down at him as if he could stun him into silence.

Sheppard had resumed his uncomfortable vigil over the baby, hands tucked under his armpits, "Come on kid," he said, "I order you to be..."

When he had realised that both McKay and Ronon were staring at him in amazement he sighed, "What? It was worth a try."

"There's nothing in this bag that tells us anything……" McKay dropped the bag and the baby flinched, went silent for a minute, and then screamed even louder.

"Okay, changing a diaper…" Sheppard rubbed his hands together, "Easy right? We don't need a manual."

Ronon laughed, "What do you mean we?"

Sheppard looked between the two of them, "You're kidding right?"

"I'm not really a…" he shook his head "…….babies…" Ronon stepped back again.

"I'm not touching it," McKay told him, arms crossed defiantly.

"We can't give the kid back without his pants……."

"Who says we can't," McKay said venturing forwards, "We'll tell Teyla he likes it…… She's Athosian. I'm sure her people let babies run around in their birthday suits all the time. She'd say it was liberating."

"The kid's liberating all over my bed," Sheppard told him.

He reached down and touched the baby's legs.

"What are you doing?" McKay asked.

"I'm going in," Sheppard told him.

"That's……..that's insane. You don't know what you're doing."

"How hard can it be?" Sheppard asked. He rolled his shoulders and rubbed his hands before holding one out, "Diaper."

"No," McKay said with a sigh, "You have to wipe and powder first."


"Yes…….you don't just…." McKay pushed him out of the way and went to work. He cleaned and powdered and then reached for the diaper.

"I think the tabs are supposed to be on the front," Sheppard told him critically.

"I knew that!" McKay snapped and then positioned Torren onto the diaper, "I'll hold his legs, you stick."

"You look ridiculous," Ronon commented.

"Seriously?" Sheppard told him with a groan, "Don't forget I'm covering your ass buddy, you bought the kid to me."

"Only after McKay dumped him at the Gym."

"What? I was busy and he kept crying."


"You realise Teyla's going to kill us," Sheppard said as he picked up Torren.

The diaper stayed up.

"Teyla doesn't have to know," McKay told her, "Now, if you don't mind….i have things to do……things that don't involve people under two feet."

"Yeah right…." Sheppard held Torren out to Ronon.

"And I have a sparring session," Ronon clapped Sheppard on the back.

"Guys!" Sheppard followed them to the door and got his foot tangled around the diaper bag; stopped him in his tracks he turned and looked at the bombshell that was his room. Powder, towels, diapers, toys –

He turned to the baby he was holding outstretched in his hands and sighed.

And then the diaper fell off.

The End.

A/N – Okay, seriously – back to the whump. Coming soon :D