Author's Note: This is pure, undiluted crack. Don't think on it too hard, okay? It's not supposed to be serious. It's supposed to be cute and funny and silly and dumb. There's probably some OOCness because this kind of thing would never happen in the canon.
Setting: This story is set in the anime timeline, sometime between the Rewinding Town arc and the Vampire of the Ancient Castle arc; it takes place after the Leaf of Revival arc, by the way, since I mention a few things that happened on the train.. Other than that? It's totally not even close to canonically possible, FFS! Don't think about it too much. Trust me. Just turn off your brain a little bit while reading this.
Special Thanks: I gotta hand it to my pal Digital Eon -- she's the one who planted the seeds of this plotbunny, came up with this outrageous idea that wouldn't leave me alone. Thanks a lot, Digi. I owe you a smack in the head for this..
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "D.Gray-man" or its characters. It all belongs to the brilliant Katsura Hoshino-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this beautiful and complex world.
"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot"
Allen Walker paused at the rail overlooking the cylindrical core of the Black Order building. He knew he shouldn't be concerned, but he couldn't help worrying.
"Oi, Allen. Why the long face?"
"Oh, hello Lavi."
"Don't 'hello Lavi' me -- what's the matter? You look like you haven't got a friend in the world."
The white-haired Exorcist sighed; trust Lavi to completely distort Allen's concern for the golem into full-blown depression. "It's nothing serious. It's just that I can't find Timcanpy. He's been missing for a couple of days now. He's been known to disappear for half a day or so, but he's never been gone this long."
Lavi shrugged; "I'm sure it's okay. It's not like that thing is terribly delicate. I wouldn't worry about it."
"I know, but..."
"You could always ask Komui." The mischievous overlay in his voice was rather obviously lost on Allen.
"I think I might."
Lavi blinked at him, stupefied. "Are you serious? I was kidding!"
"Oh, well, it's still a good idea. Tim is a golem, after all."
Lavi glanced over his shoulder. "I'll, uh, go with you. C'mon, let's hurry." He planted a hand between Allen's shoulder-blades.
"What are you in such a hurry for, Lavi?"
"Uh, no reason. Keep moving."
From the way the redhead was glancing back periodically, it was pretty obvious that he had a reason. It dawned on Allen as they hit the next flight of stairs. "So you're hiding from Bookman? What are you shirking now?"
"Hey! If you're going to be that way, fine, I'll go without you!"
"Huh?" Allen paused. "Tim isn't your golem, you know! What do you care about him?"
"Pfft! Slowpoke Beansprout. I dare you to catch me up!"
"Hey, dammit, Lavi, why is everything a game to you?"
"Who's the one accepting the game? Games aren't as fun played by yourself after all. Takes two to tango, and all that."
"Gyah!" There was a high-pitched shriek in front of them as they nearly barreled into Lenalee Lee, who was carrying a stack of books. "What are you two doing?"
"We need to see Komui," Lavi said urgently. (Allen slapped his forehead in disgust; trust Lavi to blow this out of proportion.)
"Nii-san? He's in his office. What's the matter? Is it serious?"
"It's nothing, Lenalee," Allen said quickly. "Lavi's just... being Lavi."
"Timcanpy's missing," Lavi said with authority, "and the Supervisor should know about that, so that a search can be conducted for the missing golem."
"Misplaced your golem, Allen?" Reever Wenhamm appeared on the stairs.
"No," Allen said defensively, glaring at Lavi. "For one thing, he's not mine, and for another, I can't 'misplace' him because he's got a will of his own. He usually hangs around me, but he doesn't always."
"Well," Reever said, "Shitsuchou is rather busy at the moment, but I'm sure he can make time for you if you need his help finding your golem. However," the division leader's eyes narrowed, "I'm pretty sure Lavi was supposed to be helping us file these records in the library."
"So that's what you're avoiding!" Allen grinned at the redhead.
"That is so boring. Good grief, I'm a fully trained book-man -- I'm the freakin' Bookman Junior, for crying out loud. My talents are totally wasted on filing rec -- " That was as far as Lavi got before he was completely wiped out by a tiny, nimble black-and-silver streak.
"You slacker!" Bookman raged at his protg. "How long did you think you could get away with sloughing that off?"
"Aw, come on, Panda, I'm not a slave!"
"You'll do what I tell you to, and you won't complain about it. End of discussion. Now come with me, you lousy good-for-nothing." The old man pinched Lavi's ear sharply and started dragging him away.
"Oww! Dammit, old man, that freakin' hurts! Hey! HEY! OWW!"
"Wait up a minute!" Lenalee called after the two book-men. Lavi got a brief, optimistic look on his face, anticipating Lenalee to plead his case with the old man, but instead, she marched over and dumped her load of books into his arms. "Since you're going there anyway, you can take my stack. I'll take Allen-kun to see Nii-san. Have fun!"
She grinned mischievously, and then turned abruptly, grabbed Allen by the arm, and pulled him along. "Come along, Allen-kun."
"Traitors! Some friends you are!" Lavi wailed after them.
"Drama queen!" Allen yelled back.
"You owe me for this, Allen!" The redhead hollered. "You owe me for this!"
Allen's gait hitched slightly as an automatic reaction to that word "owe" caused his limbs to seize for just a moment. However, he managed to recover before actually tripping, and matched his strides with Lenalee's.
"Don't worry, Allen-kun," Lenalee said with a grin. "Lavi's like that when he's been cooped up with Bookman for any length of time here at Headquarters. He doesn't mean anything serious by that, you know. That's just how he is. He's a fun-loving, carefree guy, but he hates getting stuck with a lot of menial tasks."
"I see. I know he's a prankster -- he drew all over my face when I fell asleep on the train! And I could have sworn I saw a braid in Kanda's hair when we got off the train."
"He's a prankster, yes, but he's also a good Exorcist. Very good at what he does."
"Yeah, I've seen it."
By now, they'd reached the Chief Supervisor's office. The Chief Supervisor himself, Lenalee's older brother Komui, was standing by the far wall, contemplating a map.
"Well, we'll see what reports come up next. Kevin Yeegar's the only one who's kept in contact with us lately."
Lenalee tapped politely against the frame of the doorway. "Nii-san? Do you have a couple of minutes?"
"Sure." Komui deactivated the communication golem he was talking through and turned to her. "What's up? Good afternoon, Allen-kun."
"Good afternoon, Komui-san. I, uh, kind of have a problem."
Komui arched an eyebrow, glancing at Lenalee. She gestured that Allen was the reason she'd come to him in the first place. "Go on."
"I... I can't find Timcanpy. He's been missing for at least two days now. I was wondering if you might be able to, I dunno, help me find him?"
The Supervisor blinked. "I could, but it's really not necessary."
"Not necessary? Shishou handed him to me and told me to look after him -- he didn't give Timcanpy to me. Tim still belongs to Shishou, and I don't want to have to tell him I lost Tim!"
Komui smirked. "Well, what I meant was, I know where Timcanpy's been. I discovered it this morning. I think you might be a bit surprised."
"You know where he is? Where is he?"
The Supervisor gestured for Allen to follow him as he crossed the room to a large bookcase with a cabinet installed on it.
"Open that compartment door, but do so carefully." He pointed.
Allen, half annoyed and half relieved, disregarded the last comment and yanked the small cupboard door open. What happened next was... well, was going to take some time to wrap his mind around.
Out of nowhere, he was swarmed by a dozen or so tiny replicas of Timcanpy. These little things were no more than two centimeters across, with wing-spans of no more than four centimeters. They varied in shades of metal, from white-gold and silver, to platinum, to rich rose-gold. And they swirled around Allen excitedly, as if happy as hell to see him.
"What the hell is this?!" Allen stood rooted to the floor, staring at the tiny golems.
Lenalee giggled in delight as a brassy-gold one came fluttering over to her and danced around her head, happily doing figure-eights in the air. "They're adorable! Nii-san, what are they?" She held out her hand, and the tiny golem landed on her finger and proceeded to crawl around her hand.
Komui grinned. "They're baby golems. It seems that Timcanpy has found himself a compatible mate and has reproduced." He reached across Allen and rapped his knuckles against the wood of the cupboard door. "They've been hiding out in there. The female's been in there for a while, and I'm guessing she produced these little guys a couple days ago, which would be when Timcanpy went missing."
Allen leaned forward, peering into the cupboard, and the light from the room glanced off the metallic bodies of two ball-shaped golems. Timcanpy crawled forward, looking like it expected to be crunched. Allen held out his hand, and Tim fluttered up to land on it. "Tim, I've been worried about you!"
"Say, Nii-san, where did that female come from?"
"I made her. You think Cross Marian's the only one clever enough to make a golem of that type?"
"Komui-san!" Allen said, slightly angry. "So you involved Tim in a breeding program and you didn't bother to tell me?"
"I wasn't expecting Timcanpy to get involved. Frankly, I didn't realize that Tim and Zee-one-two-six-eight had met. Actually, if you want to know, Zee-one-two-six-eight isn't even technically a female, nor is Timcanpy technically a male. I wasn't planning on breeding Tim, because I didn't realize that they would interbreed at all. I just discovered the nest this morning."
One of the baby golems was now clinging to Komui's nose, and another one was crawling around his forehead, trying to get under his white cap. Two more were crawling in Lenalee's hair, with one of those two actually swinging on a lock from her pigtails.
Allen himself was covered in at least half a dozen of the tiny flitting things. "How is it that Tim's not male, the other one's not female, and yet they breed?"
"Simple: golems are hermaphroditic."
"I thought they were sexless."
"Not this kind. These are based on Cross Marian's blueprint formula. Come on, Allen-kun. You know Cross the best. Would he make anything that has a will of its own be sexless?"
"No, I suppose not." After a moment, he realized what Komui was saying and turned red. "Komui-san!"
"Anyway, it's nice to know that they can breed. I'm not sure how useful these little guys will be when they grow up, but... they're sure entertaining, aren't they?"
"This doesn't make any sense! These things, they shouldn't be able to reproduce! They're constructs! Part robot! How can they breed?"
"Well, that's apparently somewhere in the formula, and I intend to find it out, but until then, I'll just have to study the babies and Zee-one-two-six-eight.
Allen's hand clenched shut, making a fist around Timcanpy; the golem squirmed in his grip, but he just clenched around it. "This is too much. I've seen a lot of things since joining the Black Order, but I cannot wrap my brain around part-robot constructs sexually reproducing. There's just no logic in it!"
"Well, no one said there was any such thing resembling logic here in the Black Order, did they? If there ever was, it's long dead by now."
Allen turned on his heel and started toward the door. "I'm going back to my room. Tim and I need to have a talk."
"Good luck, Allen-kun." Komui called after him. "You've got quite a handful on your hands. I'd suggest letting them nest in a dresser drawer or something."
Allen paused when he realized that he was now draped in however many baby golems there were -- they didn't hold still long enough to be counted -- and one copper-gold golem, in addition to the golden one he clutched in his hand.
The mate and the babies were apparently going with him, whether he wanted them to or not. It looked like he'd just acquired more hassle and trouble thanks to his Shishou.
Dammit. If I ever see Shishou again, I'm going to kill him. Slowly. And then I'm going to disembowel Komui-san.
Although, these babies sure are cute... He tried to scritch one of the babies with a finger.
That's it! I'm going to kill both of them -- Komui-san and Shishou! I'm going to do something really bad to them, and then I'm going to kill them slowly!
Why me?! Why is it always me?!