My hands are shakin'

My hands are shakin'
From carryin' this torch
From carryin' this torch for you

My lips are bleeding
From kissin' you goodbye
From kissin' you goodbye every night

I watched Bella push a screw around with the toe of her sneaker for a moment before I returned to the task at hand. She really should have learned how to change the oil in her truck. It wasn't that I minded doing it, but what if she couldn't get in touch with me? She could always have Charlie or one of the bloodsuckers do it for her, I suppose, but it was so elementary, she really should have known how to do it for herself. Still, I rummaged around in my tool box—it was getting rusty, I'd have to remember to get a new one—and then turning back to the inside of the car.

"What are you doing next weekend?" she asked, still playing with the screw.

I shrugged, my head still under the hood of the car, and then looked up at her. "Why?"

"Just wondering if you wanted to see a movie or something."

"Oh. Sure."

"You're sure you don't have anything to do?"

"Yeah. I mean, if you trail some more bloodsuckers in here, then I'll be on call but," I stopped there, leaving it open and grinned at her. "What did you want to see?"

"Whatever. I don't really know what's playing."

"Oh. Well…what about that one with uh…" I grasped for a recent movie topic but couldn't find any. I had spent so much time with Bella and the pack that I never watched television and hadn't seen any movie promotions in ages. "You know what?" I took myself out from under the hood of the car and walked over to her, flipping a wrench in my hand. "I don't either."

She laughed and then I laughed.

"You want to just go and see what's playing when we get there?"

"Sure. We could just follow the people who go before us," she suggested, partly kidding.

"Whatever. You'll have to get me in if it's rated R though."

"That's fine. You are middle aged though, so maybe not."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot. You tend to forget things when you're old," I teased. "Anyway," I started, motioning to the truck. "Another five minutes or so and I'll be done."

"Sounds good."

"You want to do something after?" I bit my lip. She usually said yes, so I had nothing to worry about, but still, I got nervous every time. And it wasn't even like I was asking her to go outas in like…dating. Just to hang out some more.

"I…can't," she said slowly.


I turned back to the car to hide my disappointment.

"Edward's taking me somewhere. He didn't say where."


"He always does that. I don't know why."

"Oh." After realizing I had said the same thing three times in a row, I started to say more. "Um…so do you want a ride back now? I can finish this up and then take it over after. That way you can have some time to…get ready or whatever."

Who was I kidding? I didn't care if she had time to get ready. First of all, I thought she looked best when she didn't care what she looked like. Call me old fashioned, but I like the natural look. Secondly, I just wanted to get her out of here. I hated listening to her prattle on about little Eddie and how strange and wonderful and manly and better he was.

"Oh. Well…I guess." She seemed reluctant and I wondered if she knew that I was only offering so I could get rid of her. If she did know, I didn't care. I was sick of her toying with me, running back to the bloodsucker every time she'd gotten what she wanted from me.

"Alright. Let's go then."

I picked up an old white rag that was blackened with grease and wiped off my hands. After, I pat my jeans pocket to check for keys before I reached in and pulled them out.

"Do you have everything?" I asked.

She looked at the truck somewhat ruefully. Whether it was because she was going to miss the truck or because she didn't really want to go, I don't know. She nodded and got up. I didn't offer to help her up like I usually did. She seemed to notice as she crossed her arms across her stomach as if she was uncomfortable.

I started to walk over to the car and she followed, still with her arms crossed over her stomach. Briefly, I imagined touching the soft skin there, kissing my way up to her breasts. My eyes fluttered shut momentarily while I fantasized. I heard the car door on the other side open and I opened my eyes. Bella was already sitting with her seatbelt on. I nodded to myself, trying to keep my thoughts strictly G-rated. While I put the keys in the ignition, I ground my teeth and stared straight ahead.

After switching gears, I was annoyed to see the rearview mirror wasn't in the right spot. I adjusted it and remembered it was because I had to further move the seat backward because I had gotten even taller. I was really getting sick of this. At first, it had been nice—being so much bigger than everyone else. It was a nice non-violent threatening device. All I had to do was stand up straight to remind them. But recently, it had just become a nuisance.

I backed out of the garage slowly and onto the gravel driveway. Dust rose from the ground and Bella coughed. She didn't look over at me. She just stared out the window, pretending I wasn't there. I ran my tongue along my teeth angrily.

On the ride there, I kept a tight grip on the steering wheel and a careful watch on my foot on the gas. I was more than tempted to slam down the gas and speed like crazy. But I remembered Bella telling me something about how precious Eddie liked to go fast and I didn't want her to associate me with him or make parallels between us in any way. Even if I was angry at her, I still loved her. I still wanted her for my own. So I kept the speedometer below the number the road signs showed.

As I pulled into the drive way, Bella turned her gaze from the window to her hands which rested in her lap.


I kept my eyes trained on her garage door, white and unmarked.

Charlie opened the front door and waved before going back inside. I figured he was just looking to see who it was. Had I been Edward, he might have called Bella inside.

The car idled and I continued to stare ahead.

She reached out to me and I turned away, jerking away from her.

"I'm sorry."

"It doesn't mean anything, Bells. Go get ready. I'll see you around." I lied. I had no intention of seeing her around.

Still, I kept my eyes off of her and waited for her to leave. She stared down at her hands and then unbuckled herself. She leaned over, placed her hands on either side of my face and kissed my cheek.

"'Bye, Jake."

I nodded. "Bye."

I knew I'd be back. I always would be.