A/N I was bored

A/N I was bored. This is The Cullen's and Bella's (mainly Emmett's) reaction to Kelly's songs on youtube. She sings, "Shoes, Text Message Break-up, Let Me Borrow That Top, and No Booty Calls" She also has many other videos.

/user/ liamkylesullivan

The youtube account and this story is rated "M" for a reason.

Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight would I be on fanfiction? NO! I also do not own Kelly or her songs and/or videos.

Emmett's POV

Oh My God! I just heard the BEST song ever!

"Hey Everybody! Come watch these videos!" I yell. I hear seven pairs of feet run up the stairs into my room.

"What is it this time Emmett?" Rose asks annoyed.

"There is this person on youtube named Kelly and she has the most hilarious videos ever!" I hear Bella laugh. "What?"

"I've seen some of her videos. Not in a while though. My mom found her account one day and emailed it to me. I watched a few of her videos and laughed so hard Charlie almost had to call the paramedics." She chuckled, "Which one are you watching now?" She pulls a chair up to the computer.

"'No Booty Calls'." I say with a smirk.

"Must be new. Play it!"

I click the play button. It starts with Kelly and Heather walking into a party.

Hey, it's your ex!
It's one in the morning, what the hell do you want?
Baby I'm horny.
So what are you saying?
You wanna get together?
I want you to come over
All dressed in leather
Like you used to do.
Back in '02.
You give me nice dreams,
Make me wanna scream, ooo, ooo, ooo!

That's not happening again.
That was was back then,
Now I'm interested in bigger and better men.


Aww, Kelly, I still got it goin' on.
You're hot to trot and I'm warm for your form.

Wow, with clichè like that,
I'm really torn.
Your game is played,
Go back to your porn.

Don't start me up,
You make a dead man cum.

Then you can just drop dead,
Cuz you ain't getting? some.

What happened to the freak that used to rock my world?

Well the freak's still here,
But she's not your girl!
You broke up with me.

I made a mistake.

So why don't just ask me out on a date?

Uhh? uh?.
Tonight's fate!



Remember when we did it in the parking lot?

Outside of IHOP?

Yeah, that was so hot!

Thank you, I'm flattered,
But it doesn't matter.
I remember that you threw up
In the pancake batter.

You've got a problem,
You're drunk all the time.
Are you even sure
That this phone number?s mine?

Uh? yeah? ah?
Wait?. What?

If that confused you,
I'm gonna have to lose you,
Go back to first grade
And get yourself a Blue's clue.
I don't even know what ever made me choose you.

Aww, but we're good together!
But I can do better!

No one makes you wetter!

Buddy, you're like Cheddar.
'white cheddar.

You know, I moved out of my mom's
And got my own crib.

That's funny.
That's just were you belong, a crib.

You saying I'm baby?

I'm saying you?re A baby.

I'm not hearing yes or no, just maybe.

Then you should get your hearing checked,
Because you can't play me.

I'm a playa,
Hate the game, don't hate me.

That's not how that phrase goes.

I know, but you just turn me on,
From my head to my toes.

Jesus Christ!
Could you at least be original?!
If games were the truth
Then yours would be fictional.

Baby I got style,
And I got class.

I got a brand new boot for your ass.


Aww, come on baby!


Hey Kelly from the block,
I don't just talk the talk.
I walk to walk,
And I know you like my?

HEY! Johnny-come-lately,
Don't discombobulate me.
If you want some of this,
You have to properly date me.

I have to wine and dine?
That's a waste of time.
I can spend five dollars
And still get mine.

Since that's probably all you have,
Lemme give you a hint.
Go stuff your pee-hole
With a Junior Mint.

Baby all I wanna do is make you sweat.
Let me be the Romeo to your Juliet.

Ok, drink some poison
And I'll stab myself.
You'd know that story
If you?d ever took a book off the shelf.

I don't need no book


My dick's hard, look!

That's majority's so rude!

I don't understand
all these big words you use.
I don't need big words,
Cuz I got big shoes.

You're a moron.
A klingon.
I'm more mature now,
I need a mental turn on.

Baby I got brains in my underwear.
My dick equals mc squared! Ooo!

You need to go back to physics class,
The only brain in your pants
Is your head up your ass.
Check that!
You could be right!
Because you do com faster
Than the speed of light!

You must admit,
I got a load like a stallion.
Getting peed on by
Creamy Italian.

What am I to you?
A salad bar?
You like to skeeze so much
I need a dick sneeze guard.

You want some tonight?

I want some never.

That's not what you said
Back when we were together.

Well that's not happening,
That was back then,
And now I'm interested in
Smarter, employed men.



Aww, come on baby!
You know I'm?



Oh, not back on that again!

Yeah, we are, because I don't want one.

Don't you want to check out my new stereo?

I don't think so!

I know you'll like it!


Come on baby, come over.

NO! This phone conversation's OVER!

dial tone

Throughout the song, everyone but me and Bella had left. We watched all of Kelly's videos and Bella almost peed her pants! Once we had watched them all, Edward knocks on my door. I looked at the clock. It was one in the morning, "Its one in the morning what the hell do you want?" I asked him in my thoughts.

"Well, I noticed you where done watching those idiotic videos and thought I'd come and take my fiancée back." He said. Clearly he was angry. "No! This phone conversation's over!"

I heard him growl and walk away. Me and Bella watched her music videos till we knew every word. I let her out and Edward took her to bed. I ran downstairs.

"Rose! I need to go to a Halloween store!"

"Why?" she asked not looking up from her fashion magazine.

"Just because. Please! Please! Please!"

"Okay fine!"

We got in her car and drove off the Halloween store. I ran in telling Rose to stay in the car.

"Excuse me? Do you have any Kelly CD's here?" I ask the store clerk.


"Do you have Kelly costumes?" I ask.

He gives me a smile. "Yes! Come on! We have wigs, clothes, jewelry, shoes, glasses. Whatever you want having to do with Kelly." He took me into the back and let me look around. I found everything I needed. I bought the costume and went into the bathroom to put it on. Once I had it on I walked out. I carefully walked up to Rose's car. I opened the door and she looked at me in pure horror.

"What?" I ask in my well practiced Kelly voice.

"Wha-What are you wearing?" I asked.

"Ugh! I'm dressed like Kelly!" I take out the CD and put it in. "Shoes" immediately starts blaring through the speakers. I sing along.

We get home and I walk in the house. Alice and Jasper are in the living room. Alice painting her nails and Jasper playing the newest edition of Resident Evil. Neither of them notice me. I put my finger to my lips signaling Rose to be quit. She rolls her eyes and heads upstairs. I put on my best Kelly face and walk into the archway leading to the living room.

"I like rabbits." I say.

Alice and Jasper both look at me and start busting out laughing.

"EMMETT!! IF YOU START SINGING THAT GAY KELLY SONG ONE MORE TIME I WILL KILL YOU!" Edward yells downstairs. I hear a groan come from the now awake Bella.

"Edward? Can you and Bella please come downstairs. I want to show you something."

I look at Alice and she already has her hand out for my bag. I hand it to her and she runs off with it to Bella. I hear Bella protest but go anyway. I look and see Alice has already set up the stage and stuff so I go behind the curtain so Edward wont see. I hear him come downstairs.

"Yes Emmett." He asks annoyed.

"Bella and I are going to put on a show for all of you."

Alice then comes back with Bella wrapped up in a robe. They come backstage and Alice takes off the robe and puts on the wig. She touches up any makeup and Bella and myself then leaves. I hear her call everyone downstairs.

"Okay!" Alice squeals, "Bella and Emmett are going to put on a show. Please help me welcome to the stage, Bella and Emmett!"

We walk out and I see Jasper with a video camera. The music to "Text Message Break-up" starts to pay. We start to sing.

You couldn't do it in person
You had to text message break up
You fuck up
Oh my god i wanna throw up
You couldn't even spell break right!
That's in your car dummy!
And i'm not gonna take this discrace
I'll be like mace in you face on myspace
just you wait till you read the shit
on you im gonna blog about
You like text so much?
How much you like it now?
You can't text message break up! (x3)
after 2 years?
You can't text message break up! (x3)
Get a clue
I'll Go Alanis Morissette on you
I'm gonna blog and text and post and hoax
Podcast your bastard ass from coast to coast
My ex bf is a cyber space coward
And he plays with his asshole in the shower
I gonna tell all my girlfriends how bad the sex was
Im pissed like president bush
would be in a gay parade in texas
I gonna spit until you shit
If you dont like it you can lick my fucking clit
For once
You can't text message break up!
Oh my god!
You can't text message break up!
I mean we got a dog!
You can't text message break up!
You still owe me 1, 200 dollars shitbag!
You can't text message break up!
String up a stag!
You can't text message break up!
I want all my stuff back!
You can't text message break up!
Get a clue
No just let the clues be lost
Fuck you dick
I cant belive he did that
What a fucking douche bag why cant he figure it out
What a loser I mean jesus
If you ever did that on the phone I would
What? are you kidding me?
Youre never gonna get laid in this town again you loser!
Youre an ass
Go fuck yourself you piece of shit
I cant believe that crap
Im gonna send that guy a douche bag in the mail
Im gonna use the same weapon against you
Cause I can type too
Ex bf foreva dick
You're my ex bf foreva dick

I hear hysterical laughing as we walk offstage. Bella looks at me. I pull out a digital camera and take a picture of us. We then proceed upstairs and change. I check my youtube and see the most viewed video, "I Want Candy…Dead"? Hmm. Wonder what that's about.

AN this is a oneshot. I might right one about Emmett's reaction to "I Want Candy…Dead" please Review!!