"Shunsui, it's five in the morning."
"What do you mean precisely?"
"I need my sleep."
"Yes I do."
"No you don't."
"Yes I do. I'm sick."
"You're always sick."
"Touché, but still…"
"Can't you make an exception for me? Your bestest bestest friend?"
"One would think that Nanao would have cured you of such horrible phrases such as 'bestest bestest', Shun."
"There are some things that not even beautiful women can change, y'know, Jyuu?"
"See? I'm always right."
"Go away. Wanna sleep."
"I'm not moving."
"You don't have to."
"But you said go away!"
"I meant shut up."
"Then how are we going to talk?"
"Do we have to talk?"
"I want to sleep."
"No one's stopping you."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
"What do you mean?"
"Let's see, shall we?"
"Uh oh. Jyuu-chan only says that like that when he's mad."
"Yeah, glad you figured that out. But first things first."
"Are you really mad mad? Or are you just mad, Jyuu-chan?"
"Firstly, you barge in to my division, proclaiming a pet name which NO ONE should ever have to suffer the indignity of having, as loud as you can possibly can."
"But it wasn't even my pet name for you! Surely you of all people would have remembered that Aya from that time?"
"Ooh. Jyuu-chan's really mad mad now."
"I thought we agreed never to talk about that EVER AGAIN."
"Weell… We miight have?"
"We DID, but that's not the point."
"What's the point?"
"Well, you did say that it was not the point, so I'm asking what the point is."
"Why do I even know you?"
"Because you needed someone to conveniently push the blame off on when you were skipping class flirting with girls?"
"That sounds more like you, Shun."
"So says Mr. Casanova."
"Isn't that another one of those things I warned you never to mention?"
"I give up."
"Ooh! Jyuu's awake!"
"Yeah, wow, Shun. Of course I'm awake, you dolt! I'm talking to you. Gee. What's got you so brainless today? Is it because it's so early?"
"Oh dear god. You're not sober, are you?"
"Jyuu! You make it sound like I'm drunk all the time."
"Well, you tend to be drunk quite often."
"Yeah. So, are you sober?"
"Fine, fine. You're smart. And no, I'm not sober. Not completely, anyways."
"Glad you knew that. But in any case, what's got you so hyperly idiotic at this time in the morning? Was there something I forgot?"
"Probably, knowing you."
"Hey. What's that supposed to mean, and Shun, wipe that smile off your face."
"And you finally show yours."
"Yeah, yeah. But that's not the point."
"Then what's the point?"
"Get to the point."
"Oh. Alright. But Jyuu-chaaaan, you really forgot?"
"There was something to remember?"
"Hm… I knew that."
"Why the droopiness, Shun? Where did that mood from just now go?"
"Now you're just lying. I'm not your best friend for nothing. Remember that time when you thought you had fooled us all with that Mai, but I knew exactly what you were up to?"
"Hey, hey! I thought you said that we weren't going to mention that ever again?"
"So? It's not like that stopped you."
"But… but… but…"
"What's wrong now? Why the long face?"
"Jyuu doesn't care."
"And how would you know?"
"Not telling you."
"Now that's just unfair."
"Who says it has to be fair? I can do whatever I want."
"So what do you want to do?"
"Are you sure you really want to know the answer to that question, Jyuu?"
"Are you trying to make me have second thoughts? You're lucky. I feel perfectly good today. Mischief? Mayhem?"
"Jyuu-chan! I knew it! Beneath that golden boy exterior, there's a little mischief-maker in you!"
"Huh. Golden boy?"
"Yeah, Yama-jii's Golden Boy."
"I am not Genryuusai-sensei's golden boy."
"Yes you are."
"No, I'm not. It's Toshiro-kun."
"Now, it's Toshiro-kun. But for the centuries before that? Hm? Hmmmmm?"
"Aha ha! Gotcha!"
"So do you want to do something or not?"
"Trust you to never have any ideas, Shun."
"Well, you always blame them on me, so they end up seeming like my ideas."
"Do you have any ideas now, Jyuu?"
"Of course. I always have ideas. I mean, c'mon. You're telling me that you've never felt the urge before Komamura-kun took off his mask to whip it off? Or that you've never wanted to flood Byakuya-kun's office with sakura petals? Or freeze Toshiro-kun's entire division? Or replace all the black cat decorations in Soi Fong's office with white dogs? Or break Aizen's glasses before he broke them himself?"
"WHAT?! But… but… SHUNSUI! How could you! I thought you were my friend!"
"But now that you mention it…"
"Ha! I knew it."
"I'm getting those tingles in my toes."
"I shall pretend I did not hear that, but hooray! You're back to semi-normal."
"Mischief! Mayhem! Here we come!"
"Say it, say it."
"You're a damn genius."
"Thank you, thank you. Shall we, then?"
"Ah, after you, Mr. Mastermind."
"Sure. And what's with the Western honorifics? Been hanging around with Chojiro-kun too often?"
"God no. That man is as boring as the pole shoved up his well, shoved up where it should not be."
"Huh. But anyway, where to first?"
Two hours later found the two captains in a private room in a bar in Rukongai, smirking and peering at a series of screens arrayed out in front of them, technology which Shunsui had sneakily produced from somewhere, proclaiming it to be a gift from a genius. Jyuushiro was mildly insulted that it had not been from him, but otherwise let the matter go.
"Thirteen seconds to the flood." The smirk on Shunsui's face grew. They had split the job into two, and while he had been at the odd numbers, he had rigged all the shower stalls, the taps and the water pipes in the Thirteenth Division. Fun.
"WHAT?! Shunsui? How could you?"
"Twelve seconds to the blackout."
"Eleven seconds to the alarm."
"Ten seconds to the freeze."
"Nine seconds to the spill."
"Eights seconds to the dump."
"JYUUSHIRO!" Shunsui had a bad feeling about this. A very bad, alcohol-deprived feeling about it. Uh oh.
"Seven seconds to the cats."
"Six seconds to the petals."
"Five seconds to the peaches."
"Four seconds to the blood."
"Three seconds to the turtles."
"Two seconds to the white dogs."
"One second to the fire."
All thirteen screens flash, blinked, screeched and swore at the same time, as Captains all over Seireitei woke to find their divisions in differing states of disarray. Shunsui and Jyuushiro exchanged smug looks, the former whooping in excitement, and the latter smirking triumphantly.
"Do you think they'll figure out who did it?"
"Yeah. It isn't hard to think of who could have done it."
"Maan. At least it was fun when it lasted."
"That's what birthdays are for, Shun."
"Of course I would."
"And you PRETENDED you did not remember!"
"YOU SLY, SLY FOX!"
"Happy Birthday, Shun."
This one is slightly belated, but it's a Birthday fic, as can be seen. It's a Shunsui Birthday fic. Hope you guys liked it. This one was much easier to write than the Nanao one, simply because I'm better at doing friendship stuff, imho.