Excuse me here… I just need to pass on my misery and sadness…
Help me… I need someone to save me… Save me from this misery… I can't breathe… I can't do anything… I shouldn't be in this world… This is not my place. Please—anybody… I want to die…
Roxas stopped writing in his small notebook. He's currently in the bus, heading out to the city—the beach, just another twenty minutes and he would be away from all his pains. The blond boy sat at the very back row of the bus where no one could see him. It was a very quite bus and there were only two people inside it—four, including Roxas and the driver. Set below his seat was his blue backpack which the blond had brought. It was empty, its purpose was only to hold his small notebook and his pen.
He sat still, still holding his pen—more like gripping it, as if it was his life itself. He clung onto it and the pen was about ready to snap into two. His hand shook more horribly as his grip tightened. His other available hand formed a fist which was now pale, white—as if no blood. He bit his lips hardly, not even caring or worrying if it bled. It didn't matter. He didn't want to be there—he didn't want to be anywhere. He wanted to disappear.
He shifted his attention back to the book currently on his lap. The paper only filled out with his neat writing. That was all that he could say currently about himself. He needed saving. No more. Is that too much to ask? He prayed everyday but no one came to save him. Had he sinned so much? So much that no one would even look at him? Just a smile—just a smile directed to him was enough. That was all he asked for.
His life wouldn't be the same anymore after all that. No, it would never be the same and he couldn't do anything to stop his heart from shattering, to stop his body from trembling, to stop his hand from shaking. He's too sad to cry—too miserable to cry. He hadn't cried since then. No tears would come and he willed none to. He doesn't need the emotion, crying won't make him feel better—crying made him feel less, less about himself.
Why did I survive? How? Why?
He added another few words in, staring blankly at the book laid out open on his lap with darkened cerulean eyes. Those eyes that always depicted the sky would never be the same again. Its color's dim and it would never turn bright again; like the sky swallowed by the dark clouds, like the sea surrounded by the darkness. The blond's breath hitched as another memory came surging into his brain. Suddenly, he had forgotten how to breathe—the basic knowledge of any newborn—gone from his mind in an instant. He held his breath for a long five minutes, the events replaying endlessly inside his head. Right then, he thought his head was about to burst to pieces and his brain would end up scattered throughout the lonely bus. By the time anyone noticed and looked to the back row of the bus, he would already be dead, laid on the seat, lifeless—that was a good way to die.
He finally breathed when he felt a hand tapped him on the shoulder. The boy choked a bit when the air came back to his lungs, feeling the sudden assault in his throat. He held his throat as if he was being strangled and his other hand at his heart, gripping his button up shirt tightly. Another hand from a stranger kept resting on his shoulder, squeezing gently as if trying to calm him down. His small notebook slid down his lap and the pen which he was holding tightly fell, rolling away on the bus. The man's hand pulled away from Roxas' shoulder and with trained reflex, he grabbed the pen before it could be lost.
After Roxas felt better, he raised his head and looked up. The sight in front of him was bizarre but as of now, there's nothing that would make him surprise anymore. In front of him, stood a man with a soft smile up his face, his hand holding a black backpack. The smile felt a bit unnatural for Roxas—it's forced. The man had a blazing red up his head. Every piece of his hair was red and Roxas felt like he could see the fires of hell burning—no, more like he could feel it. The man leaned down, took Roxas' hand, and put the black pen into his palm. "Are you alright?" The red head asked with a hoarse but nonetheless beautiful voice.
Roxas stared for a bit before he finally leaned down to take his notebook which had fallen down. He didn't answer the man. He stared out the window with emotionless face and lifeless pair of cerulean eyes. "Hey." Roxas felt the man tapped him again and he eyed the man. His eyes were met with bright emerald, smiling down to him. "You look dazed." The red head grinned and he put his hand away. "Can I join you here?" Roxas shifted his gaze to the floor and looked to the seat beside him which the red head had just pointed. The rest of the bus was empty, so why, did the man choose to sit with him? He frowned, giving him a questioning look. The taller man caught the gesture and as if reading Roxas' mind, he added, "I liked sitting at the back. It's not occupied, right?"
At the question, Roxas looked to the side and found the left row of the back seat empty and he couldn't understand why. "Alright, now you're just being hard." The man smirked.
Not wanting to have anything to do with the red head anymore, Roxas finally nodded softly with a sigh. At his nod, the man sat down slowly, bumping his knee with Roxas' gently. Roxas opened his notebook and began scribbling again, ignoring the red head beside him.
What did he want with me? I want to be alone… I want to die…
Roxas wrote it down and paused again, completely ignoring the staring red head, who was able to read Roxas' handwriting without much effort.
If he was sent from God to end my life… So be it… but… he smiled… why?
He scribbled down again. When he noticed that the name beside him was staring, he quickly glared and took the notebook out of sight.
"Didn't mean to stare." The man tried a friendly grin. "I'm Axel." The man introduced himself, reaching out a hand.
Roxas ignored the hand and bit his lower lips, turning his attention back to his book. It didn't matter if the red head had really read what he had written. It didn't matter—because it was none of the man's business.
"What your name?" Axel tried.
Roxas swallowed a bit, wondering if he should give him his name. Finally after a long silence, he flipped his notebook close and pointed to the five letters that was written down neatly at the cover of the blue book. Axel watched and read, "Roxas." He glanced up. Green met blue. "So, your name's Roxas?" Roxas nodded. By that time, Axel was wondering if the blond boy beside him was not capable of talking—if he had lost his voice.
No, I don't need a smile… I don't need the cheerful expression of people, looking at me with pity. I don't need any of it.
Roxas wrote down again, blocking his notebook from Axel's view. Axel hummed a soft song and finally took out his ipod and plugged in the huge headphone. He turned on said ipod and loud music came blaring from his headphone which Roxas recognize as "Welcome to My Life" by Simple Plan which completely pictured his feelings except—it was worse than the lyrics.
Aggravated, Roxas took the ipod and turned it off without saying anything. Axel, instead of glaring at the blond, he laughed, "Sorry, wrong song, huh? Any special song request?" He smiled, hoping for the boy to answer.
Roxas eyed Axel, narrowed his eyes, opened his notebook to the empty pages, and scribbled angrily down it, Do you mind? Leave me alone. He frowned and looked out the window.
Axel's face turned straight for a while but soon, he cheery face returned again, "So, I guess you couldn't speak, huh?"
Roxas ignored the question and stood as the bus stopped. He took his notebook and pen and shoved it inside his blue bag. The stop was at the beach. The Beach that Never Was which was once a tourist spot. However, it was deserted now because of the wild wave that had killed a lot of people few years back. Roxas stared at the red head which was blocking his way out. Axel looked confused, "You're stopping here?"
Roxas sighed and nodded.
Axel shook his head and frowned, "It's the Beach that Never Was. It's dangerous. Believe me, you don't want to go there." He grabbed the blond's wrist.
Roxas was clearly irritated at the action. He shook his hand free and climbed out from the seat, ignoring the red head that was blocking him. Without a word, he stepped out the bus. The driver looked like he was about to stop Roxas but relented. The bus drove away when Roxas was far away enough from the bus. However, it seemed to have forgotten to bring a red head along. "Hey, what are you trying to do?" Axel reached out, once again grabbing Roxas' wrist.
Roxas shook his hand again but the grip was too strong for him to just shake it off. "What's your problem?!" he hissed.
"So, you can talk." Axel grinned. "You have a beautiful voice."
Roxas blushed slightly at the comment but quickly shook his head and death glared the man again, sending him warnings, "Let go." He hissed again with a low voice.
"No." Axel answered simply, "Not until you tell me what you're trying to do. People seriously don't come here to enjoy the view. You'd be eaten by the waves."
"And that's your business?!" Roxas almost shouted.
Axel's grip loosened a bit and Roxas took that chance to pull his hand back. The blond rubbed at his reddened wrist. "Not really." Axel answered.
"Then, fuck off." Roxas narrowed his eyes into mere slits and walked away to the direction of the beach.
But Axel wasn't about to give up. He knew exactly what the blond was attempting. He followed the boy, tracing behind him. Roxas ignored the man. Soon, the strange pair arrived at the beach. The beach, as people had said, was wild. The waves were crashing madly, determined to eat anything away and the two stayed far enough away from the waves' death grip—as anyone who stood closer would surely be taken away by the sea. Roxas hesitated a bit and stopped dead at his track.
"You're not going to go in there, are you? Suicide?" Axel asked, gulping a bit at the scenery. Roxas ignored it and gulped a bit before taking a step closer to the beach. He was stopped again by the red head holding his wrist, "Are you insane?! I'm not going to let anyone just go and commit suicide in front of me!" Axel shouted.
Roxas turned and eyed Axel, "Then? Go away! Don't watch!"
"Why do you want to go kill yourself?!"
"It's none of your—"
Roxas' voice was soon silence by the lips upon him. His eyes went wider that it should as he saw the red head so uncomfortably close in front of him, pushing him to the tree nearby. Roxas' back was glued to the tree as the red head continued to press his lips on Roxas'. The blond tried to shove Axel away but finding that he couldn't. Axel won't budge, determined on connecting the lips together. He just pressed his lips, silent, not trying anything else. After a minute, he pulled away and put his hands on both of Roxas' side, preventing any escape. "What the hell are you doing?!" the blond frowned deeply.
"Trying to get you back to your senses." Axel answered closely to Roxas' ear. Roxas shivered at the voice assaulting his ear.
Before Roxas could say anything, Axel was pushing him down on the ground. The red head pressed his lips once again on Roxas', this time more aggressive and forceful. He stuck his tongue out and pushed it though the blond's lips, ignoring whether Roxas was giving him access or not. Roxas was in awe. He could only squirm and struggle as the red head above him ravaged him. The long dried tears suddenly burst out, welling in his blue eyes. Roxas thought that the tears were gone and it was coming back to him. Why? He couldn't help but cry.
Axel wasn't about to stop. He pushed his hands into Roxas' clothes and began rubbing while his tongue was inside Roxas' mouth, assaulting every crevices it could find. The actions drew more tears into the blue eyes. Noticing that the blond had given up in his struggling and was sobbing and crying horribly, Axel pulled away, worry in his expression.
Roxas' vision was blurry. Even if he's staring at the red head, he couldn't do anything. He's just lying there on the cold and hard sandy ground, crying. Tears streamed out endlessly. He sniffled. Axel, who was just staring, pulled the blond into a crushing hug. "Let it out. Let it all out." He cooed softly into the lithe blond's ear.
To his own surprise, Roxas didn't struggle. Roxas leaned into the hug and dug into the chest, grabbing at the man's shirt, crying loudly though his cries were muffled. A few minutes finally passed and the blond calmed down considerably. Roxas pulled away from the hug, taking in a deep breath, sniffling, and eyeing the green orbs. "Feeling better?" Axel asked, also eyeing the blond.
Roxas swallowed the lump in his throat and replied dryly, "Nothing is better."
"I wanted to die…"
"Why didn't you let me?" The voice came out from Roxas was neutral, emotionless, and toneless words.
Axel took in a deep breath and tried, "Tell me why and maybe I'd let you have your way." He let go of his contact with Roxas, already missing it. He thought that the blond wouldn't do anything rash for now and he decided not to touch him.
"I was—" Roxas hesitated and looked around, finally returned his attention to the red head again, "You wanted to rape me, right?... Just do it. After that, you can go away and just leave me alone."
Axel frowned and blushed slightly, "What?"
"Do anything you want with me and leave me alone." Roxas replayed his statement and forced a smile, a lifeless smile.
"I—" The frown on the red head's face grew deeper.
"Do it…" Roxas said uncertainly, reaching for his shirt's button and opening it one by one until the last button, revealing his chest. Axel gulped a bit at the view but he quickly shook his head. The blond was about to take off his clothes but was stopped by two hands which belonged to a very familiar red head.
"Are you crazy?!" Axel shouted, his voice shaky, heart throbbing. Usually, he wouldn't mind if anyone's offering themselves to him but this just felt so wrong.
"I've been raped—again and again. Since—since you tried to stop me… I won't tell anyone." Roxas said, breathes hitching, "I'm serious."
"I never wanted to rape you, Roxas. Now, drop that act! You—"
"I have nothing now…" Roxas said. Axel ignored the desperate blond in front of him and quickly buttoned back Roxas' shirt with his shaking hands. "Please… Just let me die." Roxas pleaded with a very soft voice that the red head had to listen closely.
"Then tell me what happened." Axel demanded again, already done with his previous task.
Roxas took a deep breath and swallowed, "My—" He stopped. After, he reached out for his bag and took out the blue notebook, giving it to the red head. Axel took it and began to open said book.
My family died… I have nothing else… In that accident… It was entirely my fault. If I hadn't been so stubborn, none of this could have happened. I insisted a vacation. I wanted a vacation since it had been so long since we had one. Mom and Dad were too busy with their jobs and Sora was too occupied with Riku, his boyfriend. I am so lonely in the house. I just want a nice little vacation to spend times with my family—with Mom, Dad, and Sora. Everything went so well but the thunderstorm struck… at the day when we decided to take that little trip of vacation out of town.
Axel stopped reading and mumbled, "Thunderstorm… It was a month ago." And he continued reading. Roxas just watched the red head who was reading his fresh scribbles silently. He had just written down his feelings this morning when he got on the bus. He had decided to at least write down his feelings and took it to death with him.
Everything went out of control. I could hear Dad screaming and the car swirling and screeching. The car was moving at an intense speed of 90 mph the last time I saw it. With the thunderstorm, the road became slippery, and Dad couldn't control the car anymore. Mom was screaming too as we saw death nearing us. Sora took and grabbed me, hiding my face inside his chest desperately, not wanting me to see what's happening. I remembered Sora trying to calm me down. Sora… whom I envy so much—whom I hated because he had divided his attention from me to Riku.
I peeked out from Sora's chest and I felt like everything was going slow motion. I could see the car spiraling out of the road and went down the cliff. I could hear a loud crash and everything went dark. The next thing I knew, I was in a room in the hospital. I couldn't move… I think I broke a couple of bones and ribs. I can still feel the pain even now… The pain that seemed to be able to tore my body apart. Half a month later, I was fully recovered—still having no idea of what happened to my family because no one told me. The doctors would change the topic and the nurse wouldn't answer.
The truth struck me hard that day. "They died in the accident. You're the only one that survived." The doctor told me with the cold tone in his voice coupled with a little sympathy. Everything broke apart and I could feel my heart shattered into pieces, my stomach turning, boiling, and burning over the guilt.
Riku came to me that day. He was right… it was all my fault… I caused Sora's death… I caused Mom and Dad's death… and a strong person like Riku was crying in front of me… because of Sora… I couldn't do anything.
I was taken into my uncle's house. My uncle and his family treated me very nice and I thought I could recover from all that guilt. However, I was wrong. Wrong… My uncle came up into my room, offering me with his soft and caring smile, "I can help you forget, Roxas. I can." I frowned at the words at first. I smiled reluctantly, understanding his kindness of wanting to help me. The next thing I knew… I was pinned down with him on top of me… I couldn't do anything. He silenced me with a piece of cloth which he brought together with him.
I could only watch with tears glistening in my eyes as he tore my clothes off—part by part and as he too, stripped himself naked above me. He shoved inside me—he raped me… I could feel the blood, I could feel everything. Every night… it replayed in my mind and every night—it happened. My uncle would come into my room every night since then and I couldn't do anything.
Aunt soon caught the act and everything was blamed on me. I was banished from the house… I never wanted to live in the house anyway and here I am in the bus… Soon to face my death… My tranquil peace…
And the next page was what Axel had read before…
Help me… I need someone to save me… Save me from this misery… I can't breathe… I can't do anything… I shouldn't be in this world… This is not my place. Please—anybody… I want to die…
Axel shook his head in disbelieve and shut the book and his eyes close. The book fell out of his hand with a loud thud and Roxas took it, shoving it inside his bag yet again. Axel opened his eyes as he heard the blond leaving and he quickly gripped Roxas' wrist, turning the blond around to face him, and sneaked an arm around the blond, not letting him go. "Now, you know everything. Let go of me." Roxas said, hissing though his voice soft.
"I'm sorry about what happened to you. Shit… I'm really sorry." Axel said, eyes piercing into the blue in front of him.
"I have no meaning in this world anymore. You—can just turn around and I will be out of your sight." Roxas said again sternly.
"Look, I'm sorry about what happened but that doesn't mean that I'd let you die. There's no reason for you to die."
"No reason!?" Roxas frowned deeply, "It's not reason enough?!"
"Dying won't solve anything!"
"It won't!" Axel debated.
"I don't care!" Roxas shouted, "I don't fucking care! I want to die!"
"No." Axel snapped, "You don't want to die! You want to be saved!"
"What?" Roxas shook his head and frowned again, all actions and movements stopped.
"You want somebody to save you from the misery, Roxas. You wrote it yourself." The red head's voice softened.
"I…" The blond was suddenly at a loss for words.
"I will save you, Roxas. I will. Believe me."
"Huh?" Roxas eased all of a sudden, feeling the voice calming. Even though it's strange, he felt like he could trust the man.
"Look, I saw you a few times before in the town. You seemed very happy and nice. And the next thing I knew, I kept seeing you everywhere I go until you disappeared recently. And then, I saw you again on the bus. I thought it must be fate and I tried to get to know you. You suddenly become very different from the blond boy I used to see. You aren't as cheerful, you aren't as kind—you looked like you died. Roxas…"
"Are you sure…?" Tears welled up into Roxas' eyes again.
"Are you sure you can save me?... I—"
"I'm sure, Roxas." Axel replied seriously, pressing his lips on Roxas' again, this time softly and gently. It was a brief and calming kiss. "Do you want to be saved?" The red head smiled.
Roxas looked away and thought for a bit before he finally drew in a deep breath and released it slowly, "Y-Yeah… I think so…"
"Then…" Axel grinned and pushed Roxas away a bit to look at the blond, "Let's start again. My name's Axel."
Roxas forced a smile reluctantly, "Roxas."
"Nice to meet you, Roxas."
"Nice to meet you too… Axel." Roxas muttered, feeling very weird and nervous.
"You can live in my house… I'll take care of you." Axel said with a reassuring voice.
"I…" Roxas hesitated, "Alright. Thank you."
Axel laced his hands with Roxas' small ones, "Oh, and I'm not send from God to end your life, Roxas." He laughed, cheering the entire intense situation.
Roxas blushed, "Yeah…" He answered hesitantly, "I noticed." The blond smiled, this time sincere and cheerful; a smile that really came from the heart.
Seeing the smile, it was Axel's turn to blush, "C'mon, let's go home." He smirked. The red head was determined to "save" the lithe blond no matter what it takes. Roxas' life will depend on the red head's determination, commitment, and honesty. Will they lead a happy life together? No one knows for sure.
Sorry, I just feel so down… I guess… I'm—sorry. I felt exactly as what Roxas was thinking and feeling… I'm so emo-ish…
Ah well, I think I'm a bit relieved now that I wrote this down. I'm sorry that it's crappy though… Real crappy… O.O I'm not so sure... Maybe I will take this down... I really hope you would leave a review after reading though… Constructive criticism will be appreciated. Flame if you must though I hope you don't. Or just a review will be alright. Thank you! :)
Oh and for those reading my other stories, this will really be my last update of the month. Hopefully, I picked myself up from this misery and start working on them again. Thank you very much! :)