Disclaimer: I don't own the Legend of Zelda, Nintendo, or any of these characters. If I did then the characters would be writing half the time, all be into awesome Jazz music, and play air guitar.
Author's Note: I'm sitting here in class, being bored. You probably don't need to know that, but I'm dying, six hours of this EVERYDAY, six hours. Anyway, this story is very random and weird, so press the little clickback thingy if you're scared. The rest of you, enjoy.
By Kurai Hitokiri
It was a fine morning in the Kokiri Forest; the sun bright in the sky, the gurgling waters of the brook glinting and refracting bits of light, emerald grasses and trees whispering in the light breeze as their dew covered leaves swayed in the wind.
You'd figure that everyone could be happy on such a perfect day, wouldn't you?
Well, that wasn't the case for one Kokiri boy currently stomping through the Lost Woods quite… errr, you guessed it, lost.
Link of the Kokiri was a short, chubby little lad with the light of youth in his cerulean eyes. His shaggy hair was a bright, glaring gold that framed a baby-face. A bright green cap was atop his messy curls, and he was wearing what most people called a dress. No, it isn't a dress, buffoons, it's a TUNIC. Because men wear tunics… well, maybe even little Link thought it was a dress too, but for the sake of his manly pride called it a tunic.
Strapped onto his back was a cheap wooden shield and a 'sword' (Mido had so far called it a flimsy butter knife, and Link had to admit that he had used the sword to butter his toast one fine morning) known as the legendary Kokiri Sword, the keepsake of the mystical forest children.
Although his chubby little face usually had a generic smile on it, today it was creased with a terrible scowl unlike any other. The corners of his lips were pulled back, his brows quivering, his mouth foaming, and don't get me started on the-
"I'm depressed, okay?! I think they get it!" the little Kokiri shouted out to the invisible being currently-.
Hey, I'm the one painting you into existence, little boy! Be nice or else I'll give you everlasting acne and buckteeth!
"You wouldn't dare," the little boy gasped, clutching at his smooth babyish face with a look of horror wrought upon his features. He shook his pudgy little fist toward the blue sky, growling angrily at the narrator.
You've got a lot of nerve for a little boy. Oooohhh, be careful, you're messing with a GOD, boy, the God that can make you end up with the most revolting person in the world or make you fall in love with Ganondork!
"Well, as much as I would like to continue this argument," Link said, crossing his arms and tapping his booted foot, "we've got a story to tell, now get on with it, you mediocre author!"
Ohhh I'll get you back for this, midget… Anyway, so far the day hadn't gone very well for Link. He'd been ambushed by Wolfos, had Deku nuts hurled at him by angry scrubs, and now he'd gotten himself lost in the damned forest.
"You couldn't have given me a MAP?"
Well, if I had done that there wouldn't be a story for people to laugh their butts off at, now would there, shorty? So back to our Hero. Link could've tolerated all that, after all, he WAS the Hero of Time. It was the fact that a certain annoying little ball of light was always yelling at him…
"HEY! LOOK, LISTEN! It's not my fault!" a squeaky little voice shouted, dodging out of Link's hat and yelling at the sky. "It's not my fault that Link is a total screw up, now is it?"
Link growled angrily, drawing the butter knife from his back and jabbing it at the little fairy. "Now listen here, you annoying ball of light! Right when I was about to dodge that Wolfos you had to say in that annoying little voice of yours 'LISTEN!' then when I die and end up with my butt back at the beginning of the maze you call me and idiot!"
"Because you ARE an idiot!" the fairy argued, circling angrily around Link's head. "Because without me you wouldn't even know HOW to beat all these little beasts, you'd die just from stepping into an ominous pile of goo, you wouldn't even be able to open a door!"
Link's face turned a bright cherry red. "Hey! I'm not so dumb that I wouldn't be able to open a door! Oooh yeah, you act like you're so important while the only thing you're good for is being a frickin' alarm clock!"
Okay, okay, settle down you two, I thought I was supposed to be writing about-
"STAY OUT OF IT!" the two shouted toward the blue sky, shaking their fist at the narrator. Hey, wait a second, that's no fair!
"Just shut it and write what you're supposed to!" Link shouted, crossing his arms.
"Couldn't you have made this story the Legend of Navi?" the little fairy asked. "For a change make Link the fairy and let me have a little fun? Oohhh, make him a potted plant or a bottle of emotionless milk! I wanna see that!'
Link's jaw dropped, and all too soon he was chasing the flicker of light across the fields of the small Sacred Meadow, swinging his crappy little 'sword' at a screeching fairy. He had gone a nice shade of red, and was soon bringing out Bombchus and other explosives in an attempt to make his little partner vanish from the face of the Earth.
"Stop chasing me!" the little fairy screamed. "Author, author, pleeeease help me!"
Ohhh? Just a moment ago you were trying to tell me to keep out of it. So you know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
"You cruel, cruel, sick and twisted literary disaster!" Navi squealed, dodging a slingshot pellet charged with gunpowder. "I hope that you come to regret this someday! I know my fans will take a stance against this sick behavior toward me!"
Meanwhile, Link was trilling out a loud war call, waving a spear and running after the poor little fairy with war paint across his pudgy face. "Come back, little fairy, time for you to pay for all the times you got me killed! Your fans?! WHAT FANS?! No one loves you!! Ahahaaa!"
"Stop chasing me, you crazy, pant-less maniac!" Navi howled.
Link laughed, throwing several bombs and a boomerang after her, mouth practically foaming as he ran. "I'm not crazy… They may say I'm crazy, BUT I'M NOT CRAZY!!"
Okay, time for me to make a quick end to this, as much as I have to say I'm enjoying this…
A bottle magically materialized in Link's hand, along with a bit of duct tape. The bunny hood was suddenly at his head, and within seconds the little cutie was in inches of Navi.
The lad took the bottle, shoving it around the bright light and corking it as he flew gracefully through the air. He landed cleanly on his feet, laughing madly as he shook the bottle containing the fairy of pure evil.
"Mwahahahaaaa!" Link cackled, duct taping the top of the bottle shut for extra reinforcement, you know you can never be too safe with fairies. He looked up, grinning at the sky. "Thanks ya good author. Nice touch, with the whole sound-proofing thing."
That's what I'm here for. Anyway, whatcha gonna do with her?
"Ohhh, I figure that I'll stick her with some other poor sucker," Link grinned. "Either that or bury her in the ground with a little home in a bottle. That way no harm will ever come to anyone again."
Sounds good, I'll make the arrangements.
Link, removing the ridiculous bunny hood and placing the bottle not so gently to the ground, looked to the sky with puppy dog eyes. "May I please see Zelda now?"
"Is she in love with me?"
No, not until you're much older.
"Awwww, but we're destined to-."
Just be quiet while I end the story…
Anyway, Link finally got his revenge upon Navi that day, with a little help from an outside force. Later that day he sent Navi afloat in Termina bay, going back to Hyrule Castle to pine away after the young Zelda like a helpless little puppy dog.
Of course, all things are opened or found eventually… And a poor young sucker opened the bottle to one angry Navi…
And a ginormous call of "LISTEEEEEENNNNN!!"
But that's another story.
Author's Note: Ahhh, that was a very random sort of story, but very fun to write all the same. Right now I'm dealing with Summer School, I wrote this when we were studying… well, rocks. Geology isn't very fascinating to me. Ohh by the way, I dedicate this story to my best buddy Toyoharu-Uchiha. Please review.