A/N: This is based off a quick joke from the episode "Plankton!" If you don't remember, Plankton shows SpongeBob his Lab (as in Labrador Retriever) before he shows him is lab (as in laboratory.)
And yes, I know this fic is random / silly.
"Hey, girl! Come're! Come're, girl! Come on …" cooed Plankton to the screen in an eerie baby-talk voice. "Come on, you wanna play? You wanna play, huh? Huh?!"
On the nearly wall-sized monitor was his yellow Lab, tail wagging happily.
"Let's play fetch, okay, girl?" Plankton waved a ball in his hand. "Ready? Reeeeeady? Go! Go fetch!" He tossed the ball at the screen. It bounced off and fell to the ground. The dog didn't react; instead she just stood there oblivious, not even facing Plankton's direction.
"GOOD GIRL!" said Plankton proudly. "Let's do it again!"
Just as Plankton was about to give the ball another throw, his computer wife Karen rolled up beside him. "Plankton, I have some bad news for you."
"Not now, Karen!" said Plankton in his normal voice. "I'm playing with my Lab! Isn't she marvelous? Just look at that coat! And those bright eyes!"
"It's about the Lab."
"What?! What's wrong with Daisy?! Did something happen?!" Plankton fell to the ground, a tear welling in his eye. "She's gonna die, isn't she?! It's the anti-freeze! Why do they make it so sweet-tasting?! Why, Neptune, why?!" he sobbed.
"Calm down, Mr. Melodramatic. It's not that."
"Oh," he said quickly, standing back up. "I knew that."
"Sure you did, genius."
"So …" Plankton began, ignoring his wife's comment. "… then what is the bad news?"
"There isn't an easy way to say this."
"So just say it!"
"Plankton … that dog isn't actually real. It's just a recording."
Plankton fell silent.
"It's just the same tape playing on a continuous loop," said Karen. "I'm surprised you haven't noticed how the dog never reacts and just keeps doing the same things over and over."
Plankton turned to face the monitor. "Daisy … you're just a tape?" His eye started getting teary again. "But … what about all the fun we had together? All the balls and sticks I threw at the screen? And the canned dog food I rubbed on the part of the monitor where your mouth was? And your monthly baths that always resulted in me getting a painful shock? Were they all for nothing?!"
The dog, facing the left, panted for a few seconds, and then sat down to scratch herself.
"Daisy!" Plankton cried. "I thought you were my friend!"
"Here we go …" Karen muttered.
Plankton erupted in a screaming wail of desperation.
Outside the Chum Bucket, SpongeBob was passing by on his home from work.
"What a fantastic day at the finest eating establishment under the sea!"
"Hmmph," said Squidward, walking beside him. "Yeah, right. I believe I have better culinary taste than a simpleton like you, and I can hardly stomach that garbage the Krusty Krab sells."
An agonizing scream was heard from a short distance away.
"Wow, Squidward!" said SpongeBob. "You must not have been exaggerating, since your stomach just cried out at the mention of it!"
"That wasn't me, you moron! It came from the Chum Bucket."
"The Chum Bucket?" SpongeBob turned around and looked at the rival restaurant. "Gosh, I hope Plankton's okay!"
Squidward kept walking. "Who cares?"
"I care, Squidward! I gotta make sure he's all right!"
SpongeBob rushed off to the Chum Bucket, leaving a trail of bubbles behind him.
Plankton was still wallowing around on the floor when SpongeBob entered the front room.
In the back, Karen approached the weeping Plankton. "Cheer up. I just heard someone come in. Maybe it's a customer."
Plankton sniffled. "A customer? Really?"
"It could be."
The little copepod took a deep breath, putting aside his emotions for now. He needed to be professional. "Okay, then. Let's go."
Plankton exited the back, head held high. "Greetings, customer! Today's specials are …" He stopped when he saw SpongeBob's face.
"Hey, Plankton!" said SpongeBob, waving both his arms.
" … utter and complete disappointment, with a side of familiar 'we've done this before,'" Plankton finished, muttering.
"Oh, nothing. What do you want, SpongeBob? I'm kind of in mourning here."
"Mourning? Oh, no! What happened?" asked SpongeBob, worried.
Plankton walked past the doors into the back, SpongeBob trailing his heels. "Oh, nothing really. Except I just found my best and only friend in the whole deep blue sea was a FRAUD! A cruel lie that's been built up for years, and has now crashed down all at once, leaving a hole inside my tiny, tiny heart! Curse you Neptune, for the cruel way you take pleasure in my pain!"
"Whoa," said SpongeBob. "Calm down, Plankton!"
"Don't mind him," said Karen. "He's just being way too melodramatic."
"Ooh! I do that all the time!" said SpongeBob. "In fact, just this morning, I was bawling my eyes out! It was because I started thinking about newspapers. We get one every morning, but then what happens to it? Does no one think about past days' newspapers? All those years piled up — never to be read again." SpongeBob sniffled. "It's so sad!"
"What? That's moronic!" said Plankton. "My pain is much more justified!"
"Because I just found out my Lab's not real!"
SpongeBob blinked. "Um, I've seen your lab, Plankton. It's definitely real."
"No, she was just a tape! A fake! A repetitive simulation!"
"But that's where you brought me when you took control of my brain when I was sleeping. You know, when we first met. I saw it with my own two eyes!"
"Stop calling my Daisy an 'it,' you porous idiot!"
SpongeBob put his hands up defensively. "Okay, okay! Take it easy!"
Plankton was becoming hysterical. "She was my best friend! I'd rub her tummy and tell her what a good girl she was! I'd tell her all my secrets and she always listened, and every four minutes and thirty-two seconds she'd bark to let me know she loved me! Me, her master!" Once again, he was on the floor, crying. "Ohhh, Daisy! Why?!"
SpongeBob nervously glanced over to Karen. "Um, gosh, this must be so hard for you. I'm so sorry."
"For what?" asked Karen, unenthused.
"Weren't you listening? Plankton's obviously had an …" He dropped his voice to a whisper for the next word, ashamed to say it. " … affair."
"He's not having an affair."
"He just said it! And apparently with his lab, which he's calling 'Daisy' for some reason. Which is strange because I thought you were his lab, and your name's Karen!"
"I'm the computer, and it's a capital L."
Plankton slowly hobbled over between them. "I … I don't know if I can go on. Not without my Lab!"
"You don't need it, Plankton! In fact, just give up trying to steal the Krabby Patty formula all together!" They didn't notice Karen roll away as SpongeBob spoke. "Start over! Find a new job — something that makes you happy!"
Plankton wiped away a tear, considering it. "Yeah?"
"Yeah! You can do it! And I'll even help if you want! You don't need a lab and an ingredient analyzer and all those other crazy things! All you need you have right here." SpongeBob put his hand on his chest. "In you."
Corny as it sounded, the words were appealing to the emotionally wrecked creature. "Hmmm, your proposition intrigues me."
But just as Plankton was about to be persuaded to turn a new leaf, a sound caught his attention.
They both turned a saw a tiny kitten on the monitor. The animal, a calico, batted playfully at a couple feathers at the end of a wand. On the third attempt, the kitten caught the feathers and purred.
"Aww!" said Plankton, immediately melting. "Wookit the fwuffy kidden!"
SpongeBob's jaw dropped. He'd never seen this side of Plankton. It was weird to hear him speak in baby-talk.
"You like the feathers? Huh? Huh?! Get those feathers! Aww, listen to you purr! You're the cutest kitten in the whole world!"
"Hey, Plankton?" said SpongeBob. "Don't you wanna talk about your new plan for life?"
"Buzz off!" said Plankton, his voice harsh again. "I don't need to change anything anymore! I got everything I need right here! … except the Krabby Patty secret formula."
SpongeBob frowned. "You're still gonna try to steal it?"
"Of course, it was what I was born to do! Now get out of my restaurant!" Plankton turned back to the screen, his face brightening once more. "Sowwy about that, Precious! Daddy's back! Wow, you caught the feathers again! And on the third attempt, just like before! What are the odds?"
"I don't get it," said SpongeBob to Karen. "Why does the kitten change everything? What about his lab?"
"I put another tape in," said Karen. "This time I won't tell him."
" … I still don't get it."