Ten Ways to See If You're A Perv

One man in the Hidden Leaf Village was checking himself out in the mirror. He was Jiraiya, of course.

" Ohhhh, yeah. I look totally awesome, " he thought to himself. " All the ladies love me. "

And that was how the old sage found an article in Time Magazine.

" Hmm. Ten Ways to See if You are a Perv, " Jiraiya muttered. " Hmm...maybe this magazine will finally prove that I am not a pervy sage. "

He started to read it as the article listed the top ten ways that general perverts have.

Number Ten - You've lived in your mother's basement until you were 35, (just because you were to lazy to get a f--king job).

Jiraiya sweatdropped. " Oh, wow. This brings me back. "

(Fifteen years ago...)

Jiraiya's mom walked into the basement. " Jiri ? Do you need anything ? I'm going to the store ? "

Thirty-five year old Jiraiya nodded. " Yeah. I need some nachoes. Oh, and also another package of underwear ? "

T.T " God, did you light your underwear on fire again ?! "

Jiraiya started blushing a fiery red. " Noooo..."

Number Nine - You have Madonna posters hung up all over your room.

Jiraiya looked at his eight Madonna posters glued over his bedside. " Eh. Eight isn't that many. "

Number Eight - You have a weird bond with your student.

The old man walked over to Naruto's room and knocked on it. " Yo, Naruto ! Wanna go bowling ?! " he shouted.

" Sure, Pervy Sage ! " Naruto hollered back.

" Okay, good ! Bring Sakura ! "

Naruto opened the door slightly and glared at Jiraiya. " You sick bastard, " he muttered before slamming the door.

Jiraiya was walking in the park as he continued reading the list.

Number Seven - You think all the ladies love you despite the fact that more than half of them want to kick you until you die.

" HEEEEEEY ! Kurenai ! Wanna go out with a Sannin ?! " Jiraiya inquired.


Kurenai scowled. " Pervert. "

Jiraiya shrugged as he tapped Sakura's shoulder. " Sakura, wanna go bowli- "


T.T " You stupid pervert, " Sakura muttered.

Number Six - You've went to a Posie A' Donnivin show nude on multiple times (even though she's a fat ugly bitch).

Jiraiya put a hand to his chin and stroked it. " That never happen-...no, wait. "

(Four Years Ago...)

" DAH ! This is the fifth time you've done this ! " Posie roared, glaring at Jiraiya.

" Yeah, I'm pretty wasted. "

" ...Do those underwear have Kermit the Frog on them ?! "

" ...Maaaaybe. "

O.o " Please leave. "

" Fine, bitch. I'll be on Oprah before you know it, and soon on Ellen's show ! "

Number Five through Two - You are a fan of fluffy bunnies.

Jiraiya huffed. " Yeah, right. I hate bunnies ! "

Naruto barged into the room. " Hey, I was trying to look for Sasuke, and I found this. "

He held up a white bunny by its ears. Jiraiya sweatdropped. " Uh, uh...that's not mine ! "

" And it has your face on its heinie as a tattoo because...? "

O.O " Fine, I admit it ! " Jiraiya cried, snatching the bunny away from Naruto and hugging it very tightly. " I LOOOOVE BUNNIES ! "

Naruto sweatdropped. " Okay...I'm gonna leave now..."

A few hours later, as Jiraiya was snuggled in his bed, he read the last thing on the list.

Number One - You are a fifty year old man named Jiraiya and you flirt with Tsunade whenever you have the chance.

Jiraiya stared at the magazine for a long while before finally tossing it in the paper shredder. He sighed as he got out a notebook. " Let's see...Ten Ways How to Get Back At Your Retarded Student...I'm gonna get big bucks off of this. "