Chick Flick: Outgoing calls are a bad idea, too.
Mild cross-over. Serious spoilers for …well, a movie you've probably seen. You'll find out what it is before I spoil anything, don't worry.
Walter was just checking the daily reports of vampire activity on the international bulletin board that Hellsing monitored when the resident vampire wandered in.
"It sounded like gunfire up here."
"That was the modem. It's the rotary dial system that does it."
"Oh." Alucard pretended that that answer meant something to him, and then proceeded to watch over Walter's shoulder. He'd discovered that many things had changed during the twenty years he'd been locked in the cellar, but he did his best not to show his ignorance. After all, no point in reminding everyone. But in all his five hundred years of unlife, he'd never lost his curiosity.
He returned the next few days and watched Walter. Eventually, he caught on, though he never asked any questions. Walter noted his interest, and passed word on to Sir Integra, but nothing came of it.
With December past, the nights were getting shorter again. Alucard enjoyed having less time to himself. His own company drove him crazy after awhile, as much as he hated to admit it. Integra had never carried through with her threat to subject him to a girly movie, so he was off the hook there. But he did wish he had something to do on the nights when there were no ghouls or vampires to kill. The British Empire was too small these days.
That is why it was inevitable that he would discover the internet.
It started out harmlessly enough; he wandered into the empty communications room one night, and booted up a computer. He dialed out with the modem, just as he'd seen Walter do. And then he started typing random words into Lycos….
Two weeks later
"What…is this?" Sir Integra gestured at the box on the kitchen table and glared at her favorite vampire (her only vampire, but still).
"Oh, they arrived; I didn't think they would."
"But what are they?"
"Blood-flavoured lollipops. Would you like to try one?"
"No. I would like for you to explain why there is a box of blood-flavoured lollipops in my kitchen!"
"I found a place that sold them, and when I called them up, they said they'd deliver."
"Found? Where did you find this place?"
"On Lycos. Using the computer. They gave a phone number in Scotland, so…"
"So you called them up, gave them my credit card number, and had an entire box of candy shipped here from…" She checked the box again. "Hogsmeade?"
He nodded happily.
"Alucard, you cannot just do that! I don't mind you using the computer, but I do not want you calling and ordering things. Is that clear?"
"I know it was just popsicles this time – "
"Lollipops," he corrected her.
" – lollipops," she repeated, "but if you order things on credit without talking to me, it will mess up the records. And your usual interests are borderline illegal. Blessed silver is a significant expenditure, not pocket change."
"Are you sure you don't want to try a lollipop though? We have enough."
"You are impossible! That's it – I'm going to make you watch that movie."
"I thought you'd forgotten about that."
She smiled at him sweetly. "You know I don't forget. You're just lucky Titanic is still in theaters."
"Why would that stop you?" he asked cautiously.
"I'm not about to take you to a dark movie theater full of hormonal teenagers on dates to watch a three hour movie about a ship sinking."
"Do a lot of people die?"
"I imagine so."
"Then maybe it's not so bad."
"Did I mention that it's about a girl finding her One True Love?"
He shuddered. "I just remembered – I don't much like oceans."
"Don't worry. I have something else picked out. And you will like it."
That sounded ominous, but she was his master, so what could he do? He smiled at that thought. Plenty.
Integra gave Walter instructions to set up the movie for the evening, and then went back to work. After dinner, she went downstairs, rather pleased with herself for waiting to use this 'punishment.' To be honest, she didn't think Alucard would mind that much, but she herself had few excuses to take a night off and watch a movie.
When she walked into the room, though, she halted at a loss.
"Alucard, where is my chair?" she asked. The comfortable reclining chair she'd sat in last time was gone.
"I had it moved." He looked at her, his eyes full of mischief. "After all, this is a date, so you have to sit on the couch."
"What? I thought I made it clear that this was your price for having me watch the Hannibal Lecter movie."
He shook his head. "No, Clarice, you said it yourself – chick flicks are for hormonal teenagers on dates."
"I didn't think you knew what dating was."
"I was locked up for 20 years, not 200," he snapped at her. "Modern courtship might be bizarre, but the goal is the same. And so," he gestured, "you sit on the couch."
She put a hand on her hip. "Neither of us is a teenager, and this is NOT a date." She looked around the room, as if another chair would magically appear. When it didn't, she pursed her lips. "Fine. But you're sitting on the floor." She walked over and sat herself on the couch, with her back as straight as ever. He was still hopelessly amused by all of this. "And I order you to keep your hands to yourself," she warned him, for good measure.
"Fair enough," he smirked. "So, what movie are you subjecting me to tonight? Do I get to see young women caught in the dire situation of having to choose a young man to marry?"
"Something like that. Get the lights." He did, and then flopped on the floor at her feet. He made no attempt to encroach on her space, and she relaxed a bit. The absurd 'date' idea had thrown her, but she wasn't really prepared to analyze why, precisely, she was watching movies with her pet vampire.
The movie started with a young boy playing video games. Alucard looked back at her skeptically. "Just watch it," she grinned.
But when the grandfather described the book to the kid, Alucard could not help but whisper, "Sounds like more fighting than true love."
Integra replied, "Your vote of confidence is overwhelming."
When the grandfather said the same thing to the kid a moment later, he turned to her, betrayed. "You've seen this before!"
"No, I'm just psychic," she smirked. "It's called The Princess Bride. Now hush."
"Does anyone else live on this farm? Or is it just them? Because if so, that's usually considered highly inappropriate…"
"Oh, please. It's just a movie. They probably didn't want to bother introducing any other characters. Now watch it."
The kid protested the kissing scene. "I'm with him – when does this get good?"
"Have a little patience…"
"Murdered by pirates is only any good if we get to see it. And she has no concept of what the word 'never' means. Where's the story?"
"You're worse than the little boy!" she exclaimed, exasperated.
"If you're just going to complain, have a lollipop." She glared at the top of his head; he pretended to ignore her.
Finally, when Buttercup was kidnapped, he seemed pleased with the situation. "Starting wars is very noble work, but I bet you these buffoons will botch it." He seemed rather disappointed when the eel didn't eat Buttercup, but he hid it well. He laughed when they named the Cliffs of Insanity. Integra stole a glance at him. Maybe he would enjoy this after all.
"Vizzini is so absolute. He reminds me of a fanatic."
"He is, in a way, though his only cause is himself," Integra responded.
"Hmmm, I could try shooting left-handed," Alucard mused a moment later.
"You already toy with your prey enough," Integra informed him. "Pay attention, this part is good."
And it was, you couldn't argue with that. The sword fight was interesting, well-executed, and sprinkled with amusing dialogue.
"Is that his idea of honor?" Alucard asked at the end. "Why didn't he kill him?"
"Because he didn't have to. The Spaniard gave him a chance, didn't he?"
Alucard just made a sound that was very non-committal.
When the same thing happened with the giant, he complained again. "Is this some kid's story? Is that why nobody is dying on screen?"
"Don't worry, you'll get a few deaths – just wait."
Placated, he waited for the Man in Black to catch up with Vizzini. When he did, he was suspicious. "A battle of wits to the death? Does one of them really die?"
"Just wait and see," Integra said, smiling.
"Good; I didn't like Vizzini much anyway," Alucard pronounced. "But I prefer more blood in my deaths. Poison is such a cheap shot."
"What? That was her farm boy? The 'I kill a lot of people' man in the mask is the love interest?"
"Well, you didn't think it would be the giant, did you?" she asked, amused.
"No, I thought the Prince's sidekick might play into this somehow."
"He does. But I always thought Inigo was better looking than the others." Before Alucard could question her further, she continued. "What do you think of the fire swamp?"
"Nice and dark, though the flame spurts would get annoying."
When Westly explained how the farm boy turned pirate, Alucard nodded. "I agree – no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westly. It just sounds wrong."
"They never seem to surrender to the Dread Vampire Alucard, either. You might want to think about changing it."
He just smirked. "I don't want them to surrender, Master."
He seemed intrigued by the fight with the ROUS's but thoroughly disgusted with Buttercup's behaviour. "My movie had more blood," was all he said.
When they exited the fire swamp, though, he could not keep it to himself. "This Buttercup is fickle."
"No, just foolish," Integra defended her. They watched in silence for awhile.
"Wait – he hired Vizzini? What type of man murders his wife on their wedding night?"
"I don't know, Count, you tell me," Integra remarked dryly.
"A monster, then, not a man." Alucard scoffed at the machine. "That is not how you suck life away."
Later, Inigo announced, 'There will be blood tonight!'
"One can only hope," Alucard murmured.
When Inigo's sword wound up stuck in the tree, he said "What did he expect? God is always silent."
"But his father isn't," Integra said with a smile. "It's just a movie."
Alucard thought Max and Valerie were wonderful. "It's good to see old people with so much energy, and still so fond of one another."
"They fight like cats and dogs," she said, not sure how to take that.
After Westly's 'death' and revival, the wedding preparations proceeded. Alucard dissolved into indecent laughter as soon as the impressive clergyman began speaking, and Integra giggled a bit. They couldn't decide whether Florin were a Catholic or Protestant nation.
But when Inigo took out four soldiers at once, Integra knew she had been right in choosing this movie. 'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.' There was no other story of revenge quite like it, after all. Rugen's death was nothing short of beautiful. She'd probably been hanging around this vampire too long.
When the movie reached the end, she turned it off before the annoying song could play. "Well, what did you think?" she asked, blinking in the sudden dark.
"I don't know. It had some good parts, I suppose," Alucard said.
"Oh? What was wrong with it?"
He twisted around to look up at her. "It was somewhat…silly. And that last kiss – it might have been pure, but it was hardly passionate."
She just raised an eyebrow.
"It should have been more like this." And with that, he dove at her. His arms did not go around her, but his weight pushed her back into the arm of the couch.
As soon as it happened, she realized that opening her mouth in shock was not a wise move. So rather than tell him what to do, she bit down hard on his tongue, which left her with the taste of his blood in her mouth.
She sputtered, spitting it out and pushing him off back onto the floor.
"If thoo wanted to tathte blood, thoo thould have juth thried the lollipops," he said, thoroughly amused.
She supposed his tongue didn't hurt very much. "I told you to leave me alone!"
"No, you told me not to use my hands," he pointed out, speaking normally once again. As always, he healed quickly. He held them up palms outward in a show of innocence. "It was my impression that dates ended with kisses." He sounded absurdly pleased with himself.
"No more of that! This. was. not. a. date."
"As you wish, Master."
She ignored him, stood up, and left the room in a huff, her long hair whipping around as she disappeared past the doorway. He figured they probably wouldn't be watching any more movies together any time soon. It was interesting, though, to find out what type of movie she liked - he hadn't pegged her for the true-love-and-princess type. But then, maybe he should be encouraged by the idea that of all the sappy romantic movies she could have picked, it was one with plenty of fighting and a romance that started with the girl ordering the guy around all the time. Besides, he had to admit - it was funny.
Author's Note: Lycos was a search engine that was fairly popular before Google existed. Titanic came out in November 1997. The Princess Bride was from 1987. I hope you've enjoyed this silly story, thanks for reading. And no, you are not going to find out what punishment Integra will inflict upon Alucard for his boldness. Or at least, I'm not going to write any more of this story.