The Talk

The Hitachiin twins receive "the talk" from their mother. implied HikaKao


It was after dinner when it happened.




"It" would be referred to as the most dreaded, the scariest, the most mind-boggling, the most horrifying thing possible to ruin a newly-sprouted teenager's mind: the talk – bum bum bum! The talk, the talk, the talk; it was what the Hitachiin twins were hoping to avoid even though they didn't believe such a thing existed. They had heard other people talk about it – the people who had turned thirteen – but they never thought they would experience the pain.

They did. They didn't like it. They think it would scar their brains for an eternity.

As said before, it was after dinner when it happened. Yuzuha was watching the twins feed each other and flirt with each other, an abnormal sign of the usual and common brotherly love. Yuzuha was scared; yes, she was scared, but for the reason that her precious little sons might turn into homos. She was homophobic, and she was proud. She didn't want her own sons to turn homos, though, so what was the only thing to do? The only thing to do was give them "the talk".

She knew they were old enough. They just turned thirteen two days ago, and it was time to let the two young adults know about the stage of a newly grown teenager: puberty.

When the Hitachiin twins' plates were carried out of the kitchen, the three family members seated silently in their seats, Yuzuha clapped her hands to signal the maids for no interruptions. Hikaru and Kaoru was beginning to get frightened at that time. Their mother never talked to them anymore, and it was scary to know what would become of them after whatever Yuzuha was planning to do.

Yuzuha massaged her temples and heaved out long breaths, stretching. Then, she eyed her two sons in a serious matter, trying to surpass the giggle that came her way because of Hikaru and Kaoru's funny reactions, and said, "Okay, I think it's time for me to give you guys… 'the talk'." She used her fingers to make quotation marks, then regained her serious composure again. "I am serious about this."

Hikaru looked at Kaoru and Kaoru looked at Hikaru, hugging each other as Goosebumps started forming on their arms. Yuzuha nodded her head in disappointment, walking casually up to her sons. Then, with one quick motion, she pushed their arms off of each other's waists, receiving a gasp from the two as they just hugged each other again. Yuzuha pushed their arms back again, but the twins embraced the other again. It went on like this again and again and again…

And again.

Yuzuha, finally fully irritated, wringed the twins arms back down to their own sides and grabbed Kaoru by the ear ("Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow," Kaoru mumbled) and forced him to sit in her former seat, tapping her foot impatiently. She breathed in again. "Now, as I said before, this is serious. I think you two should… know…" The woman glared at Hikaru's foolish attempt to crawl up to Kaoru as he slid back into his own seat, whimpering. "You two are… no offense, but you two are abnormal with each other."

"Hey!" Hikaru yelled, crossing his arms over his chest. Kaoru giggled softly into the palms of his gentle hands, rolling his eyes playfully.

"I did say no offense," Yuzuha said defensively.

Hikaru pulled out his tongue, closing his eyes in disgust. "So? It doesn't mean I won't get verbally hurt! Really, that hurt Yuzuha; that really, really hurt right here." Hikaru pointed to his chest and frowned.

Yuzuha nodded disappointingly again and slapped Hikaru's hand back down ("Ow, that hurt!" Hikaru retorted). She sighed and began clicking her tongue as if to imply how impatient she is. "Okay, okay, on with the talk." She paused for a moment to think of what exactly to talk about, but in the end decided to talk about whatever mature thing came to her mind. "Let's talk about sex."

"Ne ne," Hikaru said, "me and Kaoru promised each other we would have it together."

Kaoru's eyes glittered. "Yeah, we promised!"

Yuzuha sighed and gave the two a short snort. "No no no! You two may not have sex together. That is called incest. Having sex with another family member is taboo, and taboo is baaaaad." She stressed the word "bad" with all her breath. "Also, you two may not flirt or do anything sexually arousing with each other. That is also considered taboo."

"Hell, everything with twins is considered taboo!" Hikaru suddenly exclaimed, running up to his younger brother. He pounced onto Kaoru's lap and started gently pecking Kaoru's cheeks, smiling mischievously. "I don't care if I'm a bad boy, mommy. I love my Kaoru."

Kaoru giggled. "I love you too, Hikaru." He turned his attention momentarily back at his mother. "Besides, mommy," Kaoru began, kissing Hikaru back on the lips, "daddy's friend said she married her younger brother. Isn't that incest?"

"Yes, but…" Yuzuha bit her bottom lip nervously. "Well, you know, they're the different sex. I mean, it's not as revolting as with twins who are the same sex, no offense."

"Ugh, mommy, you're so mean!" Hikaru and Kaoru said in unison.

Yuzuha raised a finger and calmly said, "I only speak the truth"-Hikaru rolled his eyes, saying, "Yeah right," as Kaoru hummed a nice tune, cocking his head to the side nonchalantly-"er, never mind about this sex thing. Let's talk about girls."

"They're ugly," Hikaru replied brusquely, clinging onto his brother for dear life.

"They're okay," Kaoru squeaked quietly.

"No, wrong!" Yuzuha fanned herself, the atmosphere beginning to get tense. "Okay, for the rest of the conversation, I'm talking."

"But wouldn't that mean it wouldn't really be a conversation?" Kaoru asked innocently.

Yuzuha glared at the younger twin as he let out a yelp, burying his head into Hikaru's chest, mumbling, "She's scary, Hikaru!"

"Er, I'll begin. There comes a time when you two boys will experience a change in both your voice and your body. An Adam's apple will begin to form in your throat, hormones begin to go out of control, and you start to see that toys equal to girls. You see, you two boys are supposed to have sex with woman and that's all you can do if you want to have sex. No sex with each other or other boys, got it? Also, the only way to have babies – Kaoru, you have always dreamed of wanting babies, right? – is to have sex with a female and get her pregnant. That means you shouldn't use condoms if you want babies, but be careful not to overload. You don't want an extensive amount of little dev- I mean, angels, right? Right. Oh oh, and a small fragment of advice: when your female partner (who is always supposed to be on the bottom) moans loudly and asks you 'for more,' hump faster and her wish will be granted. I mean, girls should always get what they want, especially when performing sex. Er, you can't do that with each other, huh? Am I right? That explains why I do not want you two to have sex, gay or not. I will not tolerate my two sons being homos! Anyway, I guess I could give you guys some sex tips. I mean, you two are teenagers, so you two should know. Okay, make sure to buy some lotion, so the pain would feel more pleasurable, if you know what I mean. Do it in a love hotel; that would give you two – not you two, Hikaru and Kaoru, but one of you and your girlfriend – some privacy and quiet to do all your little heart's desires. Make sure to wear condoms if you're not ready for babies, and always let a moan out to make sure your partner knows you're enjoying the whole experience. If your butt hurts, use the lotion. Just apply and tada! The pain is eased. Oh, and one last thing before I stop rambling," Yuzuha said, taking a glass of water. She drank the entire glass down in one gulp and sighed dreamily, readying herself for her final words for "the talk". "Orgasms are nice."

Um, so, she just threw it out on the twins. Like, bam! She just talked about it so straightforwardly (unlike how parents should do it) and thus gave the Hitachiin twins scarred brains – forever.

Sex with woman.

Condoms or no condoms – depends if you want babies or not.

Love hotel.


Moaning in pleasurable pain.

Orgasms are…

Er, "nice"?

It was hard for the two to succumb all the terrifying events in their minds, mostly because they didn't want to. Thirteen-year-olds weren't supposed to have the talk. It was just pure torture.

It wasn't nice.

"Okay, I'm done here," Yuzuha said in a triumphant tone, planting her hands on her hips. She laughed out loud and clapped her hands, walking out of the kitchen.

The Hitachiin twins' opened mouths were left there for a while until Yuzuha came back in, smiling. "Let's have 'the talk' again another time, okay? Next week I'm going to teach you about boobs and which ones are the best. It's ideal for choosing the woman of your lives."

Um, just… ew.

They weren't ready for the talk!

They were only thirteen!


A/N: Um, so I didn't know whether to rate this T or M, so I just rated it M… just to be safe. There were a lot of adult themes, I guess. O.o

The dependant clauses comes back to attack! I couldn't help it. Seriously. I know it's so annoying to read, but I just thought it would match the mood of the whole fic. xD

Okay, you know every teen hates having to have "the talk," and that's what I thought a few days ago. Unfortunately, I've never had the talk before with my parents… yet… (my parents don't talk about these things with me. I have an innocent family, sorta xD) so it was hard for me to write it, but meh. I checked a site and read a little of it, but then I was all like, "tl;dr, he-he," so I wrote whatever I thought Yuzuha would say. I mean, I don't know what Yuzuha is like, but I just have this feeling she's a blunt but caring fashion-obsessed woman. :D

Um, this was an idea that just wouldn't stop bothering me. I seriously needed to let it out, but I couldn't really write it. It was hard, so I just slapped on random stuff. D: I don't really like this.