The Talk

The Hitachiin twins receive "the talk" from their mother. implied HikaKao

--

Yuzuha placed a small hand under her chin, her other hand firmly grasping onto the mouse. She stared blankly onto the monitor and sighed as her husband, Seiryō, was sitting behind her, grasping her shoulders.

"It's been a while, Seiryō," Yuzuha mumbled, trying to come up with small talk.

Seiryō just shrugged and began massaging Yuzuha's smooth back, mainly focusing his gaze on the screen. "Sure has been."

"Yep." Yuzuha secretly wished the tension in the room wasn't so thick. It had been a few years since they last seen each other, mainly because of Yuzuha's common business trips and Seiryō's university in North America. Seiryō had, fortunately, come back for a short while to Japan and would spend the whole time with his family. Although, Hikaru and Kaoru, now twelve and turning thirteen in a few days, who haven't seen their father since the age of one, don't exactly trust the man, so trying to bond with his two sons is a pain, especially if he can't even bond with his own wife.

"Um," Seiryō said quietly, attempting to have some small talk at least, "Hikaru seems… knowledgeable about… stuff. I think Kaoru is, too, but… I really can't tell who is who, still. It makes me seem like a bad father if I can't tell apart my sons." He let out a halfhearted laugh.

Yuzuha giggled. "You've always been a bad father, even in home economics, but once they get to know you, I'm sure they'll be calling you 'daddy' in no time." As she took in the rest of the sentence – the part she hasn't talked about and almost chose to ignore but didn't – Yuzuha calmly replied, "Anyway, I beg to differ. My- I mean, our boys shouldn't know about these things yet. They're too young."

Seiryō, lips a straight line, stopped massaging Yuzuha's back and sat comfortably on their bed. "On the contrary, I've learned quite a few things in America, and one of my American friends there, Imoo, says that his children already knew about this 'stuff' when they were ten. I say they're more than ready."

Yuzuha let go of the mouse and averted her attention to her husband, cocking her head to the side in confusion. "More than ready for what?" Yuzuha mentally smacked herself. She sounded so dense, and she really didn't like it!

Seiryō smiled. "An American thing, I think. It's called 'the talk'. You talk about what happens to your children as they grow up. Parents do it all the time, or so Imoo says."

"Oh," Yuzuha said dumbly as if the answer was obvious. "So ten, you say?" Yuzuha's eyes glittered with a newfound excitement as she grinned slightly. "Tomorrow's our sons' birthday. That means they're thirteen. Three days after, let's each have a go with 'the talk,' but don't let them know that it's a friendly competition between you and me. They might have biased opinions if they knew it was a competition, and they'll probably choose you over me. They love it when I lose." She smiled warmly and sat next to Seiryō, pushing up his glasses.

The man shared the same smile, only somewhat rougher. "You know a lot about Hikaru and Kaoru, Yuzuha. I'm jealous."

Yuzuha shrugged as if it was no big deal. "The maids know more about them. I'm as bad as a parent as you." The two looked at each other and gave out a hearty laugh. After they stopped, Yuzuha continued. "Anyways, let's go with this: I'll talk first, you go in and come up with an excuse to give them the talk again, and you give them your own talk. I'll come in and we'll ask them which talk is the best. Then, the winner gets a prize, or something like that."

Seiryō raised a brow. "How about the prize is, the one who loses has to treat the other person out for dinner for a month? I don't really want to go into this too far, but it's already making me excited. I don't feel like myself anymore. I think it's because I haven't been in a competition for quite some time now. The Hitachiin spirit is coming back to me." He laughed. "Anyways, deal?"

Yuzuha bit her lip, thinking through it slowly, and nodded. "Deal, but you better get to studying. I don't think I even know what to talk about, and I was the one who passed home economics."

"And I was the one who failed." Seiryō slung his arm around Yuzuha and gently pushed her head against his shoulder as they shared yet another laughing fit. Both thought it would be easy, Yuzuha thought of going to Europe and Latin America restaurants, Seiryō thought of going to other Asian restaurants. But, neither of them even prognosticated the horrible, horrible images they would embed in their sons' minds; they were too hungry to think of such a thing!

--

It was after three years that, unfortunately, "the talk" was back to haunt them. This time, though, the twins were sure this was the worst possible talk ever, in terms of everything – it was an epic failure, but it still made the twins shudder just thinking about it.

It started when the twins were going to leave after school. Tamaki had pulled them into the Third Music Room with the excuse of a father-and-sons meeting.

The twins rolled their eyes in synchronized form, looking at the blonde teenager stomping up to them. His hair was outrageously messy and his eyes were bloodshot, though in the eyes of the twins, he still looked like the same old Tono – only, well, he looked more like a maniac than an idiot.

Tamaki stood in front of them and genuinely smiled his Host Club smile, flashing picture perfect poses. "Since I am your father, I have decided to give you 'the talk'!"

"What the bloody fuck?!" Hikaru yelled angrily, tugging his younger brother closer to him. Kaoru was whimpering, saying that he didn't want to suffer "the talk" again for the third time. Hikaru nodded in agreement, brushing his hand softly against Kaoru's forehead, and snarled protectively at the older blonde. "We are not going to have the talk again. It already killed half of Kaoru's brain and fifteen-sixteenths of mine. Besides, we already know the things we should know. Internet – heard of it?"

"Don't be a potty mouth, Hikaru!" Tamaki frowned as if Hikaru had said something offensive. "Oh, but my sons, it won't hurt you! I promise, I'll never hurt you, my sons." He bowed down and sat next to Hikaru, gently and slowly pulling Kaoru off of his older brother. Kaoru complied and Hikaru didn't feel obliged to stop him even if he hated Kaoru not being intact with him.

Tamaki paused for a short period of time and gently swept his hair around, trying to perfect his messy hair. Finally, after Tamaki's hair looked somewhat normal, he pointed a finger in the air and opened his mouth to talk. "I've always wanted to do the talk with my children. I have heard of this Internet, and I've learned a few valuable things from it! It says that a parent should talk about what will happen to my children as they grow up, so I've decided to do just that." He looked over his shoulder, almost as if to see anyone was spying on them, and turned back around to face the twins. "After I accomplish you two, I'll go on with Haruhi, and it'll be over. Is that fine with you two?"

Hikaru and Kaoru looked at each other, shrugging, and then nodded when they met Tamaki's gaze. The blonde smiled, saying his thank you, and proceeded to the next step.

With one swift movement, Tamaki pushed his yellow bangs away from his eyes and flashed a beautiful smile at the two. "Since you both are still the youngest, I will not talk about anything sexually related. I will only talk about girls and what will start happening." He nodded his head, thinking it was the right thing for a father to do, and put his leg over the other casually. "Now, the thing is, you twins are starting or already have thought about girls differently. You don't think they have cooties anymore. You want to start thinking affectionately about them. You are drawn by them. Hormones start raging inside you and you can't control them, so what do you do? After you start to know the girl and date them and you slowly start to like them, you…" Hikaru and Kaoru closed their eyes, waiting for the terrifying words that would escape Tamaki's lips: "have sex with them." That's what their parents have talked about in their talks, so Tamaki was probably going to do it too even if he did say he wouldn't talk about anything sexual. Although, with nervousness disappearing and a twitch forming at the corners of their lips after hearing what Tamaki said, they were doomed to say that, yes, Tamaki is an honest idiot if he couldn't even kill them properly by doing the talk. "You start liking them more!"

Hikaru did a face palm, Kaoru started laughing out loud, pointing at the blonde. "God, Tono, you're not good at this. You're supposed to corrupt us- well, you sorta did with your stupidity, but still. This is just… failure," Hikaru said brusquely, wagging his index finger in the air. "You see, our parents talked about sex when we were thirteen. We should've known about all this already. Why do you think we have our brotherly love act?"

Kaoru started wagging his own finger in the air, putting on the exact same neutral expression Hikaru had. "Yep. It's because our parents corrupted us."

The two red-heads looked at one another and sighed. The blonde just stared stupidly at them, blinking stupidly, and even breathing stupidly. Then, he just opened his mouth, as if to say something, and closed it again, pondering for a few more minutes before finally saying the words he had originally planned on saying: "So,

--

"So tell us, Hikaru-"

"-and Kaoru," Seiryō said, sharing the same smile.

"Who gave you guys the better talk?"

Hikaru opened his mouth to speak, but Kaoru had got to it first. "Um, well, you both ruined the vast majority of our brain cells already, so we can't think straight."

Hikaru nodded, closing his eyes. "Yes, yes, and Yuzuha… you're homosexual. And you"—he pointed with his eyes at his dad, half-glaring, half-amused—"support our… err, sexual preferences, but… you're fuckin' crazy about it, dad."

"What he's trying to say is," Kaoru intervened softly, shooting his older brother a shut-up-right-now-you're-only-making-this-worse kind of face, "that… well…"

"Oh, speak, boys! Just answer the question." Yuzuha pouted, crossing her skinny arms over his large chest. She blew a strand of hair from her face, then continued with her childish pouting. She could've been mistaken for a young girl with her pretty, young-like, porcelain features.

"It's simple, really," Seiryō agreed.

The two twins looked at each other thoughtfully, as if they were speaking with their minds, and their parents finally thought the moment of truth would have finally come and blessed them with a month of free food from their favorite kinds of restaurants. But, just before they could open their mouths to tell them their decisions, the door to the Hitachiin household came bursting open and in came an old-looking kind of man. He had saggy features and dark circles under his eyelids. And, from the crazed glaze over his eyes… the entirety of the Hitachiin household knew immediately who this weird lunatic was.

"Dad?!" Yuzuha screeched, as if in anger. The twins have said "grandpa?!" in an almost similar fashion, synchronized even under Yuzuha's loud yelling. Seiryō was the only one who seemed to be not so-surprised to see the old man; in fact, he was happier than ever.

"Old man, how's it going?" Seiryō heaved out a husky laugh and crept up to the old man slowly, patting his back gently. "Long time no see."

"The only reason I'm here, foo'," he said, glaring, "is for those two youngin'." He redirected his attention to the two redheaded boys in front of him, who were currently shivering in their seats, arms locked around in each other. He eyed them carefully. "So tell me, youngin', have you done it yet?"

Yuzuha gaped. Seiryō chuckled uncomfortably. What did the old man mean by "it"? Did he mean something innocent, like helping the old man with chores? Or did they mean something more along the lines of… gulpseeeeex?

They both snared at the same time. "Don't you go talking to my boys about sex," Yuzuha snapped, but then laughed sheepishly, turning to her wonderful little sons. "Oh, yeah, that reminds me… Uh, have you decided on it yet?"

"Remember who gave birth to you," Seiryō sang loudly, referring to him. Yuzuha scoffed and leered at the man she shamefully called her husband, mentally telling him that it was she whom gave birth to such sweet little angels. Seiryō mentally interjected by saying (with their fake powers of telepathy, of course) that it was his sperm that fertilized her egg, thus making it possible for the woman to produce the twins.

And then they got into a fight.

This was the chance for the twins to leave. But, they weren't going to leave without some payback, now, were they? Their parents have corrupted their minds, and even though they did brought them into this world, that didn't mean nothing to them.

Nothing.

The two twins grinned at each other. "We've come to a conclusion," Kaoru yelled softly, making the bickering couple stop with their arguing. Their eyes sparkled at them, pleading for them to continue.

"We think that…" Hikaru started, smiling deviously.

"…the one who gave the best talk…" Kaoru continued, sharing an equally evil smile.

"…was…" The two Hitachiin twins bit their lips.

"Him." At that, Seiryō did a little victory dance, laughing at Yuzuha and telling her that yaoi fans always triumphed. But, it wasn't long before the two finally realized that the twins weren't pointing to Seiryō nor Yuzuha that had them almost die—no, they weren't pointing at either of them at all. They were pointing at… that old man.

Yuzuha and Seiryō practically died. That meant that their deal was off and their stomachs would starve to death. Well, not really, since they were fucking rich and could probably afford the entire universe and all that jazz if they wanted to… but they wanted to have the other pay for the restaurant checks so badly!

The two glared at each other and huffed, slowly walking away but with their glares intact. The two twins giggled into the palms of their hands. Though, that didn't last long when realization dawned upon them.

The old man looked at them with a perverted look on his face. The twins were instantly scared, because they knew—they knew what that sort of face meant.

It didn't mean this old man was going to rape them. No, it was far worse than that. It meant one thing and one thing only—something they have feared since an hour ago.

It was only dinner when it happened again. It was only three seconds suffering from it when it happened again. It was only a mere second when they thought they were finally free from it when it had stricken again.

And this time it was coming from that fucking old man.

That.

Fucking.

Old.

Man!

XXX

A/N: THE CHAPTER TITLE IS A LIE.

Haha, this sucks. Majorly. What the fuck was I thinking; I mean, seriously.

I've actually had 1800 words on this, written up a long time ago, and typed up the rest today. It's really sloppy though. It's been, what, around two years already or something? Idk. But, either way, I haven't written an Ouran fic in such a long time, so it was sort of hard to type up, to be honest. I really didn't like the outcome of it, but whatever. If I ever get back into the Ouran fandom… then yeah.

Now, we could call this the end, or, if I have time, I might do the old man's talk. Maybe even try with something else… Or, for those pervs out there, I could try writing a PWP about the twins. Yah. Don't expect that from me anytime soon, though.