Title: What Ryan Couldn't Offer Michael
Author: Lissa (WhiteDresses, redwhitedresses on LiveJournal)
Pairing(s): Michael/Ryan, with hints of Ryan/Kelly
Summary: Ryan combs over Michael's diary and thinks that he has finally found a way to fend off Michael's mancrush over him.
Spoilers: Up through "Night Out" and maybe the finale, "Goodbye Toby"
Rating: PG
Author's Note: There are not enough Michael/Ryan-ish fics ( So I had to write one xDDD Be kind, it's my first Office fic.

Ryan Howard was well aware of the feelings Michael Scott harbored for him. After all, he had gotten a full copy of the man's personal diary, and—of course he had read it. Who wouldn't have?

At first he had been only interested in the entries pertaining to the case; the case being Jan Levinson's ridiculous lawsuit against the company. Everyone who had obtained a copy of the diary had been combing over the details concerning Michael's relationship with Jan over lunch, or more prominently, the time when their relationship had officially begun.

But then he had begun to notice the increasing number of entries dedicated to or mentioning him. He was naturally curious, and though he knew that they really had no importance to the case, he read them anyway, on his own time. He wasn't quite sure how to deal with Michael's feelings and so he was confused as to whether or not he should be intrigued by the attention or disturbed.

The possibility of confronting these feelings scared him, and, for a while he didn't allow himself to read any further in. Maybe if he didn't read any more, then none of it would be true.

So if he had to read it, he'd stick to the Jan-related entries and the work-related ones, just out of interest and boredom. There was the possibility that he didn't even have the right to know stuff that personal to his former boss, but it did allow him to get away, in a sense, from Michael's feelings about him.

There were details he couldn't miss when he read through the Jan parts, however; for even when Michael would spend half an entry praising her breast implants, he would mention his dislike for Jan being reluctant to have children and rant on about that until the end. It didn't take long for Ryan to realize that what Michael really wanted from a relationship (besides sex and passion) was a Michael Jr. to pass on all his knowledge of the world to.

And that was the one thing Ryan couldn't truly offer Michael. A uterus. It was so simple and obvious! He had smiled to himself when he had come upon this realization, and felt instant relief. Should Michael finally feel desperate or lonely enough to try to pull Ryan into some sort of awkward boss/employee relationship like Jan, he finally had the perfect point to deter Michael with.

So why did a part of him feel so disappointed by this discovery?

That was just weird, Ryan had decided one night before hiding away his copy of Michael's diary again. He didn't want to explain to anybody why he had kept it. He wasn't really sure for himself, after all. There seemed to be a certain appeal to reading what Michael had to say, actually. They were true feelings from someone who loved him, and that weird sort of unconditional love was increasingly foreign to Ryan in New York. There were no friends or family to run to if he got lonely or in trouble. He was on his own. Sometimes he hated that.

And it was because of that, there were times when he wished he could go back to Scranton. Sometimes Michael's written memories and thoughts depressed him rather than comforted him, especially when he could see quite clearly how much he could affect the other man's day. It was weird and unsettling; but maybe he had hurt Michael much more than he had meant to back when he was a temp.

Sighing, he'd fall asleep, comforted or not, his hands shaking slightly and his stomach sour. He'd try his best to think of Kelly if he had to think of anyone, or to think of work and business. Mostly, though, he'd just try to figure out how to make it through another day. Alone.

But it had always ended the same. He'd drift off to sleep and dream of Scranton. Maybe of what he'd read in that diary before then. And it hurt and was hard and...

"That's what she said," the Michael in his dream would say with a large grin before it all faded to black and he had to wake up to get sick.

Why am I so disappointed? He'd wonder as he lowered his head over the toilet bowl. New York is terrific.

Between stomach aches, he'd rise and go get the diary again, for he found he just couldn't help himself. He'd open up to a random page toward the end, and after vomiting, would read what Michael had written about him on whatever day.

Dear Diary,

Ryan's leaving Scranton today! Can you believe that he got the job? Gosh, it's just mind-blowing! (that's what she said!) He's gone from a temp... to being my boss, and just... wow. I'm so glad I was able to teach him everything I know.

But you know what, Diary? He's just leaving too soon and... do you think he'll remember me? Because I don't know if he will... He's going to be the big time boss in New York and... I wonder if he'll finally call me, because now there's a reason. I can't just look out my office and see his youthful presence lighting up the office anymore.

Don't worry, though. We will get by! There's still Pam, after all.

XOXO Michael

Ryan would skip ahead to a different entry, his eyes barely able to focus on the words. He was always so tired.

Dear Diary,

I still haven't received my thanks from Ryan yet for all I've done for him. But it'll come any day now... I wonder how New York is working out for him. Jan's thinking about suing the company. If she wins, we could become FILTHY STINKING RICH!! I'm excited. Maybe I'll get to see Ryan. I hope he comes to visit us again soon... it'll be any day now! Do you know that it has been about 24 days since he last came down to Scrant--

This particular night, however, Ryan closed the diary. He couldn't take it anymore; it was just too hard to grasp how despite everything, Michael still seemed to worship the ground he walked. It was just weird. And more importantly, he didn't feel as though he deserved it.

He sighed and flushed the toilet, returning to his bed to try to sleep again. In another hour or two he'd have to be awake for work, so there really wasn't a point, and if all it meant was that he was going to be dreaming of what he didn't have in New York, well... why sleep?

Why risk dreaming of Michael and what he couldn't have anymore? Why bother dealing with that pain?

Besides, Michael wouldn't really want him anyway. Not if he were to realize his addiction, his scandal, his--

Biological inability to have children.

Thanks for reading my first Office fic xD I know there are some odd POV stuff in this one, but I hope you still liked it? Yeah xD Reviews are lovely, mates, and I shall reply.