I do not own Death Note, or any Pop Culture references. I don't even own that apple. :( It sucks being poor.
(EDIT): I have gotten a lot of reviews telling me to film this and put it on youtube or somewhere. So, if i can get ahold of a camera, we'll put it on youtube. I'll put it on here if I do. Or in my profile.
I've gotten reviews saying it's long for a Con skit. We timed, it's 10 mins. long, and that was the length requested. Only doing what was said.
(L is hanging out, brandishes apple. Ryuk, walking by, sees this and snatches said apple from L's hand.)
Ryuk: Heh, sucker.
(L progresses from shocked, to confused, to contemplative. He then pulls out a sweet, and makes 'cat L face' forgetting the incident. He starts in on sweet as Light walks in)
L: Good day, Kira.
Light: I am not Kira. Good day, L.
L: So how is Light-kun feeling today?
Light: mutters Misa is so annoying…
L: What did you say about Amane-san?
Light: I said we have a date today…mutters Even though she saw me this morning.
L: What was that?
L: I could have sworn I heard you say-
(Mello walks in, carrying a Lego box, accompanied by Near, who is playing with some finger puppets.)
L: What is it, Mello?
Mello: That IDIOT Matt left Near with ME so he could go over to GameStop, the dirty f-(Near covers his mouth)
Near: Mello, we can't say that. This is a family mall. We wouldn't want to be kicked out. And we need to censor ourselves for our younger viewers. (Shoves the toys at Near, he sits down and begins playing with toys)
Mello (draws gun and points at Near): I can say whatever the heck I want, and no little MIDGET like you is going to stop me. (draws huge breath) SH-
(Ryuk walks in and stuffs a chocolate bar in Mello's mouth. Mello rips off a chunk of chocolate, looking around)
Mello: What the- chocolate just appearing out of nowhere?
Near: It is impossible for chocolate to be created from nothing, Mello, you should know that.
Mello: Shaddup, Near! (Aims gun at Near's head) It's bad enough Matt left me here with you, you dirty little Albino bit-
L: (warning) Mello.
Mello: Fine. We'll deal with this later. (Mello holsters gun in pants, looks over and sees Light)
Mello: What's Kira doing here?
Light: I am not Kira.
Near: Unfortunately, Yagami, my evidence suggests otherwise.
Mello: Sorry, Kira, but I am determined to capture you and prove that I am in all ways and forms, better than Near.
Ryuk: You just keep trying that, Mello. I'm sure it will work someday. (Light smirks)
Mello: What's with the smirk, Yagami?
Light: Nothing, Mello.
Mello: Eh, I'm fed up with the whole flippin' thing, all this crap is stressin' me out, it's just so dang…! What the heck?! I can't swear anymore! Crap! Dang! Frick! Heck! Snap! HOLY COW!! GEE WHILIKERS, BATMAN! Arrgh!! (Everybody snickers) SHUT UP! THIS ISN'T FUNNY, YOU CRAPHEADS!! (Pulls out gun, threatening them with it)
Near: (Mello still tries to swear through this) Relax, Mello, I'm sure it will go away after this is over.
L: It isn't a physical need to swear, Mello-kun. You don't have to.
Mello: … Ok, fine.
Light: So, Mello, L, I always wondered, why do you like chocolate and sweets so much?
L: Sweets are a delectable repast, Light-kun. They are simply exquisite.
Mello: Chocolate is totally delicious. I just love the taste.
Ryuk: Hey, that reminds me. Light, you owe me some apples.
Light: You'll get them later. I don't have time right now.
Ryuk: You never have time. You're way too uptight. You need a girlfriend, now.
Light: Shut up, Ryuk.
Ryuk: Who knows? Getting some action might loosen you up.
Light: Shut UP, Ryuk.
Ryuk: Yeah, whatever. Can't say I care much about your love life.
Light: I will rule the new world as its God. I'll have all the women I want.
L: Light-kun, all of us standing here can hear you. Your chances of being Kira have gone up dramatically. Who were you talking to?
Light: What? Talking? Who was talking? I wasn't talking to anyone.
Near: We heard you, Yagami.
Light: I was just talking to myself. That's all.
Mello: Well, if he isn't Kira, he's a world-class nutter, that's for sure.
Near: There is a miniscule chance that Light is simply mad, Mello.
Mello: Near, do you want to die? (Points gun)
Near: If you desire to end my life in your immature rage, Mello, please do so.
L: Mello, I must request that you do not murder Near in my presence, I will be forced to turn you in to the NPA. (Mello holsters his gun…in his pants. His phone rings.)
Mello: What is it, Neylon? …YOU WHAT? I'll grab Matt and be right there. (Hangs up)
Near: What is it?
Mello: None of your business. I gotta go. (Runs out. Everybody looks at each other and shrugs.)
L: That was decidedly odd.
Near: Yes, I wonder if he found more information on the Kira case. Perhaps another notebook. Or maybe it was a Mafia emergency.
L: I wonder if maybe he and Matt are going to go through with some kind of audacious and obtuse kidnapping attempt on a collaborator of Kira…
Near: Leading to their gruesome and untimely demise in the face of Kira, or the police…
(Everyone lets it soak in for a second, thinking.)
Light: Mello's gone, now all that are left is Near and L himself. I need to find some way of getting rid of L, and his replacement so my rise to power as God will be uninhibited. But how can I do that?
Ryuk: Wait just a minute. Light, L is standing right there, and so is his replacement. Why don't we just kill them now?
Light: Because, Ryuk, if I just pull out a notebook and start writing in it, then L and Near drop dead 40 seconds later, it will look exceptionally suspicious.
Ryuk: And it does look like there are quite a few witnesses.
Light: Yes, it is a crowded mall. (He looks as though something has dawned on him before smirking.)
Ryuk: Hey, kiddo, you're scarin' me with that look. What's up? (Light yanks out the Death Note and thrusts it over to L.)
Light: Hey, L, can I have your autograph? (Hold for applause/ L pauses.)
L: Sure, Light, I suppose there's no reason why not… (L takes the notebook, and looks up, in complete shock, dropping the notebook.)
L: Sh-shinigami… (L kneels and reads the front of the notebook.) Death Note… (L points to Light) Kira. (Near picks up note and fiddles with it, looking up sees Ryuk, and continues to mess with the notebook and his toys.)
Ryuk: Didn't think things through on this one, did you Light?
Light: Ryuk, now is not the time!
L: So you're a Shinigami?
Ryuk: Smart kid, this one.
L: And does this Notebook of Death belong to you?
Ryuk: Nope, that one belongs to Light.
L: Hm, Light-kun, your chance of being Kira is now 98.
Light (jaw dropped): 98? Not 100? What happened to the other two percent?
L: This could be some sort of hallucination, or some joke or plot of yours or another.
Ryuk: How dense can this guy get?
L: Would you like an apple, Shinigami? (Pulls out a random apple.)
Ryuk: OH MY GOD, GIMMEE!! (Lunges for it.)
L: First tell me: Is Light Kira?
Ryuk: CRAP, GENIUS, WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE? (L touches Ryuk, poking him, as if to tell whether or not he's imagining him. He walks in a circle around Ryuk, evaluating him.)
L: You are a true Shinigami, aren't you?
Ryuk: Yes, I'm a real Shinigami! (He makes attempts at getting the apple, but L keeps it out of reach.)
L: Shinigami, what is your name?
Ryuk: Ryuk! NOW GIVE ME THE GODDANG APPLE!
L: Fine, here you go, Ryuk. (Hands him the apple. Ryuk proceeds to go to town on the apple.)
L: Man, he's really going to town on that apple. Light, it would seem now there's a 99 chance of you being Kira.
Light, Ryuk: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
L: Well, the Shinigami could be lying, or you could be being controlled by Kira. (L bends down to get the notebook and Near hits him in the head with a plane.)
L: What is it, Near-san?
Near: I would like to further examine this Notebook of Death, with your leave. I would like to make a document of the rules, and conduct a few experiments.
L: Of course, Near-san, but I must request that once you have finished you turn it in to the NPA and the SPK.
Near: Of course, L-sama, I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise. (He starts in on doodling in the Death Note.)
L: Now what would make sense is in order to ascertain if you're Kira I should keep you under surveillance at all times, but under federal privacy laws, surveillance cameras are illegal for private places. So the only way to do so would be to make sure I could always keep an eye on you, perhaps by living with you… (L looks over to what Near has been drawing.)
L: Near, what is it you are drawing?
Near: Well, L-sama, this is a stick figure, and this one is a dog, and this one is you, and this one is me.
L: Near, why are we holding hands?
Near: Oh, no reason, none at all.
L: Near, I thought you were going to research the properties of the Death Note.
Near: Oh, well, not really, I just wanted to play with it a bit more. See, this one is an elephant, and this one is Miss Amane.
L: Why do you have a drawing of Amane-san?
Near: Truthfully, I am a Misa-Misa fan.
Light: Yeah, we have a date today. (Ok, somewhere during this, Light's phone will ring. It will be jess' phone, and it will be me. I'll just call and then do what I was doing when I called, make-up, hair, etc. It's just a ploy for more time. When I do, Light will speak the dialogue for the phone conversation.)
dialogue for phone Light: Hello? … Yes, I'm here. … Right outside F.Y.E. … I missed you too. … I'll see you soon. … I love you, too. (Hang up.)
L: Was that Amane-san?
Light: Yes, she said she'd be here momentarily.
(After that call, go on with your lines as they were before the call.)
L: If you are indeed Kira, then Miss Amane is almost guaranteed of being the second Kira. (I should be there by then. If I am not, ad-lib.)
(Misa runs in, and glomps Light.)
Misa: OHMIGOSH! LIGHT! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! (Misa crushes Light's arm.) I can't believe my modeling job took so long, I mean, I was all like 'Duh, I have to go, I have a date with the best guy in the world'. But my agent made me stay, can you believe that? But I suppose I'm Japan's top model for nothing. (Looks over and sees L.) Oh my God, what's that pervert doing here?
L: I am here with Light and Near.
Misa: Light! I thought you were trying to get away from this stalker!
Light: Please try to understand, I have to have a supervisor, and Ryuzaki is the one that was chosen.
Misa: God, they haven't cleared you of being Kira YET?!
L: Actually, Light is now basically under arrest for being Kira. We have seen his Shinigami. This also means you are under heavy suspicion of being the second Kira.
Misa: No way, no way! Light, you're Kira?! I knew you were the best guy in the world! But I'm not the second Kira, even though I wish I was so I could help Light-kun.
L: Then you have nothing to hide under watch.
Misa: Hey! You can't watch me all the time. That's creepy. You're a pervert.
L: I'm a pervert? Anyways, I'll be handcuffed to Light too, you won't be the only one.
Misa: Ooh, handcuffed to Light? Wow, Ryuzaki, you should have told me, I wouldn't have been so upset at you watching me, if I had known you were gay, but I didn't know you were so kinky, I mean, handcuffs?
L: I am not gay, Amane- (He gets pulled over by Light.)
Light: You idiot, if she thinks we're gay she'll leave you and I alone.
L: (quickly) Oh, yes, I should have told you, yeah, I'm horrendously gay, I, Rue Ryuzaki, am frolicking-through-fields-of-flowers gay. Like, REALLY gay.
Misa: I thought so! But, hey, wait a minute, Light's mine! Get your own man, perv!
Light: And I'm sorry Misa, but I've been lying to you. I'm gay too.
Misa: Aww, come on, now I don't have a boyfriend anymore!
Near: I'm free, Misa-chan.
cut to the dance off
Misa: Hey, Light, wanna dance?
Light: No. Thank you.
Near: I believe there is a possibility that Light will not dance simply because he can't.
L: There is a 73 chance of Light being a less than satisfactory dancer.
Ryuk: Well, if he dances now like he does in his underwear in the morning.
Near: Light, you are under no obligation to do what you feel you cannot.
Light: What, do you guys wanna give out-dancing me a shot!?
Songs, in order: Misa, Superstar. L, White and Nerdy. Near, Dragostea Din Dei. Light, Maniac. Ryuk, Sexyback. Misa, Shake it. L, Crank Dat. Near, Cha Cha Slide. Light, Everybody Dance Now. Ryuk, Rockstar.