Dear Ol' Dad
Okay. Italicized things are pretty much the thoughts and dreams. Bold is the other voice inside Ash's head.
I see him.
He's a man shrouded in black shadows. I only see the back of his head. I cannot recognize him.
He's a man that has made corrupt decisions, most of them illegal.
I want to see him, but fate won't allow me.
He's a man of middle age, clean - cut hair - a shade of brown.
He's a tall man, about six foot. I see him towering over frightened pokemon, a malevolent smirk on his face.
I want to hug him, but shadows interrupt.
He's a man that's been abandoned as an adult, abused as a child.
He's a man that has lost all hope. I see him, alone in a black velvet chair, wasting his life away.
I want to love him, but he fades away.
He dissolves into the air.
A moan in anger.
I woke up screaming, " DAD ! COME BACK ! "
Three - thirty in the morning. Mom and Pikachu were still asleep. That was the fifth time that I had that dream. Mom didn't know. Pikachu didn't know. I was the only one that knew about it.
For years memories of Dad haunted my mind. I wanted to forget them. I wanted to deny them. The memories were inevitable, though.
I sighed and picked up a piece of paper as I climbed out of my bedroom window. I remember the last time that I had that dream that I vowed to see him if I had that dream again.
So I walked. Viridian City isn't that bad of a place. Sauntering through the streets, it was a long time before I finally reached Dad's house, a shade of ivory paint seeming to glare at me.
Instead of waking up anyone, I climbed up and sat on the roof. A very scenic view. I grabbed my harmonica and started playing a gentle tune.
I thought about a lot as small tears cascaded down my face. He missed so many things. So many birthdays, so many tears of joy, so many outbursts of rage. Some people would say that's ignorant, but I digress. I'm fourteen, but I'm a lot smarter than most people think. I just choose not to work my brain too hard, so as to get out of heavy labor and summer jobs.
So I sat there for a long time. Dark passed and light seeped out into the horizon. The sunrise really is a nice thing. Reds, yellows, purples, and blues - a variety of colors seem to gather together to fight darkness. It reminded me about how every day I fight my evil thoughts to become a good person. " If only he would just let the sun come in his life. Then maybe his night would fade away, " I whispered to myself.
After a while I jumped off the roof and slowly walked back to Pallet.
But something stopped me to an abrupt halt. A door opened slightly, and a man stepped out of the house, looking a lot like the vague figure in my dreams. Those eyes...so familiar.
He stared. I stared. Both of us looked at each other from a far distance for a long time.
Finally, he broke the stare and slowly walked to his car, tears welling up in his eyes.
No...he passed the car. He walked over to me and ran his fingers through my hair before hugging me in a gentle embrace. I silently recoiled, but he didn't seem that he wanted to harm me. He stared at me, that usual chilly glare replaced with bitterness and hints of grief. I sobbed in his arms, like I was four again. I wanted to be four again, but of course, that was impossible. Wet things ran down my shoulder. His own tears were pouring on my shoulder. I finally realized that he cared about me deep down inside that sinister facade that he kept up all the time.
We stood there for a long time before finally he spoke. " Ash, be a good boy. Be yourself, " he whispered.
I shook my head. " Dad, I can't leave you. I...love you. "
His hand patted my head. " I know, but I've made too many mistakes. I can't let you do the same. You're still just a child. "
" But, Dad. Don't you even care ?! Don't you love me at all ?! Don't you know that I know what you've done ?! " I screamed. " I don't care if you're the leader of that horrible organization or if you've done wrong. You're still my dad ! "
His grip loosened, and he looked at me with a concerned expression on his face. Fury inside me broke out. " And I know Mom still loves you, Dad. I know how she cries over you late at night and regrets divorcing you just because of what you do. Why ? Why won't you let light come into you ?! Why did you leave us ?! How could you leave us ?! How...how could you stop loving Mom, just like that ? "
Silence filled the air for a long time before he sighed. " It's not you, Ash. Nor your mother. I do love you both, but...I can't come back. I've done too much to hurt people. Maybe someday...the light will come, but I can't. I just can't. "
Before I knew it, my fist flew as I punched him in the face. " What the hell is wrong with you ?! I'm sure you still have a good heart somewhere ! Why don't you quit being a sheltered turtle and let people come in your life ?! Damn it, don't you understand ?! I need a father ! "
That hurt him. Devastated him. His own father divorced his mother and left on his own selfish journey. He stared at me for one more moment before shaking his head. " No...you don't need me. "
And he stepped back into his house, leaving me to ponder. To wonder. To curl up into a ball and cry.
I barricaded those feelings. I walked back to Pallet, depressed. Mom was already up, cooking waffles on a pan. She noticed my anger. " Honey, what's wrong ? Did something hurt you ? "
I shook my head. " It doesn't matter. "
" Are you sure ? Ash, I only want what's best for you. "
" No ! I said it doesn't matter ! " I shouted at her before running upstairs into my room.
I thought. I wept. I died a little.
He hurt, shattered, bruised my heart.
What gave him that right ? What the hell gave him that right ?!
Who gave him that authority to do that ?
How could he do it ?
I grabbed a rubber ball from my nightstand and threw it hard. I was upset. No, pissed. I just let him abandon me yet again. I just let him go back into his damn shell.
I couldn't understand. I covered the blankets over my head and fell asleep, hoping that the dreams and nightmares wouldn't disturb me.
Darkness consuming me.
Just like my dad.
It fully fills me up.
I scream and shout and beg.
But it does not relent or pity.
It does not give up or give in.
It's just there, a lurking shadow inside my heart.
Waiting to consume me, waiting to kill me. The shell.
Sweltering, sweating, I woke up in the middle of the afternoon, grieved by the shadow. I shook my head for a minute before walking back downstairs. I looked around the house. " Mom ? Mom, are you here ? " I called.
No answer. I shuddered. She usually answered my calls with answering back. I checked the fridge. No Post - It notes telling me that she left for the store or Professor Oak's.
" I can't believe you came and visited ! "
A piercing giggle. She was talking to someone outside of the house.
" It's been such a long time ! Oh, and Ash will be so happy to see you again ! "
Who was she talking to ?
" What ? Why did you tell him that ? You know he needs you, and we've all missed you. "
Why did I have this sickening feeling I knew who the person was ?
" I'm so glad to see you ! I knew you would come back someday ! "
Why did I know ?
" Ash, sweetie ! Come on outside and see who's here ! "
The door opened and I stared at my mom. She smiled and giggled. It sounded like bubbles. " Come on, Ash, " she repeated.
I shook my head. " Why ? Why should I ? "
" Because someone wants to apologize to you, that's why ! " she said with a laugh.
Apologize ? What did she mean by apologize ?
" Nobody told me off, Mom, " I said. " At least, I don't think anybody did. "
" Well, that's not what he told me. He said some things, and I guess he feels kinda crappy. "
Wait...Dad having remorse ? Not likely.
I snorted to stifle my laughter. Mom grabbed my hand. " Come on. Don't you want to see your father ? "
No, Mom. I want him to just leave out of my damn life.
" No, not right now. "
" Please ? "
I told you NO, gotdamn it ! Leave me alone !
" No, Mom. "
" Sweetie, please. For me ? "
Fine. If you want me to hear that bastard's fake words, I'll do it. I won't forgive you, though.
" Sure, Mom. For you. "
She led my outside and sure enough, there he was. We stared for a long time, he looking sad, me, wanting to curse him out.
" Ash. I didn't mean what I said, " he started.
You lying, deceivng, son of a bitch.
" I thought you were wrong, but you weren't. "
Too late for that. You've made your stand on the podium.
" I don't know anymore. I feel like I want to be wrong, but sometimes I wonder what it's like to be a good person. "
A good person ? Pfft. A good person cries over a person even if they are corrupt. You wouldn't understand.
" Sometimes I wonder if I should give up everything and start my life again. "
Liar. You gotdamn liar.
" Maybe I should, for your sake. "
" For your mother's sake, too. I love both of you. "
Don't, then. Leave us alone. Don't say you'd give up anything for us. Don't hurt her.
" I know I hurt you, son. I want to make things right. Please listen to me. "
No. Go away. Leave me alone. Leave me the hell alone.
" No. "
I glared at him with fury in my eyes. " No, " I repeated.
" Ash... "
Don't you see ?! You said so yourself that I don't need you ! You stupid, evil, fucking hypocrite.
" GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME ! "
I gasped, finally coming to my senses. He winced and sighed sadly.
Did I just tell him to get the flip away from me ?
No, it's fuck. You told him to get the fuck away from you.
Huh ? Who are you ?
What ? What do you mean ?
You're such a dumb - ass. I'm you.
No...I'm me. You're...you're...
You. I'm your part of you that's been bottled up in a bottle.
You're not making any sense.
Okay, retard. I'm the emotions that you hide.
Really ? So, who was it that snapped at him earlier ?
You. You just let some of the steam out. But I'm right near that steam, just wanting to escape !
Like I'll let some evil spirit of me take over !
You want to, though. You want to let the darkness consume you, deep down inside of your heart. Make it easier.
No ! I won't let it ! I won't allow you to take over !
Then prove it. Prove you love Daddy Dearest. Prove it !
PROVE IT IF YOU'RE SO GOOD !
" Dad, I'm sorry ! "
He turned to me. I choked back the evil words. " I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. "
" No. It's my fault. I'm sorry. "
I ran to him and cried. He stilled my sobs with quiet words. " It's okay, Ash. Shh. It's okay. "
We stood there for a long time before finally I broke our embrace. He gave a playful grin. I grinned back.
Mom watched us as she smiled. " Who wants some lunch ? " she asked.
And she was swept up in his arms, both of them laughing.
And I smiled, knowing that he did have a good side to himself, knowing that he did care about me.
I finally had a father again.
Sorry if the ending's rushed. I'm pretty sure I did a good job on this one. (First time i unbleeped the f word, but it was needed.)
Anyway, please review. I don't ask often, but I poured emotions in it. Angsty emotions.
btw, cookies are in the fridge.