note: So this is very much inspired by the Frasier episode "Travels with Martin" when the Cranes and Daphne go on a trip in Martin's RV, only for them to cross the Canadian border when Daphne's green card hadn't come through, so they have to sneak her back into the States. This was also very much inspired by That 70's Show episode "Canadian Road Trip", where the guys go across the border to get beer and get interrogated by the Canadian officers...which is something I've wanted to have the girls do for a while now.
So that being said, don't own MSB or Frasier or That 70's Show. Title taken from one of the songs in the South Park episode "Christmas in Canada" ("There is no Canada like French Canada, it's ze best Canada in ze land and the other Canada is hardly Canada, if you've lived here for a day you'd understand.").
there is no canada like french canada
by, the ultimateSora
A four day weekend up in the Vermont mountains was just what the girls needed. Arnold managed to give Phoebe the keys to his grandparents' cabin in the Vermont Green Mountains, telling them he and the guys were going up. They both knew Erich and Joann Perlstein would be quite pissed if they knew "that skinny, mousy girl Arnold was dating" was staying there.
The girls packed Wanda's black Range Rover with their suitcases, and Wanda managed to nick one of the Lis' large coolers, putting under the bags. They left out of Walkerville at seven in the morning on Friday. It was a four day weekend in October, so the girls knew they needed to take advantage of it. The Perlstein cabin in Vermont wasn't too far from the Quebec border, and Wanda, being Wanda, knew the Quebec drinking age was eighteen. She also knew Dorothy Ann just had her eighteenth birthday in September, and she also knew Phoebe could speak some French, if needed (thought what Wanda didn't know is the French Phoebe knew was the Terese Louisiana-French).
Wanda put in her mixed CD, the first song being Lindsey Buckingham's "Holiday Road" from the Vacation soundtrack. She merged onto I-95, just outside of Warwick, and she tapped her fingers on the steering wheel as she sang along, "I found out long agooooo, it's a long way down the holiday roooooad. Holiday rooooooooad. Holiday rooooooooooad."
Dorothy Ann reached over and smacked her on the arm. "For the love of God, Wanda, don't sing."
"It makes the baby Jesus cry," Keesha said in the back seat, playing Carlos' stolen PSP Wanda had sitting in the pocket in the back of the driver's seat.
Phoebe took off her sneakers and turned so she could put her feet up on the back of Wanda's seat. "I smell rancid potato feet," Wanda said. She turned. "Pheebs, please take your potato gumbo smelling feet off the leather."
D.A. smacked her again. "Watch the road!"
Wanda slammed on her brakes when they hit the Providence traffic, the bumper of the Range Rover within an inch of a Volvo wagon. "Damn mom-cars," Wanda said.
"Damn Asian drivers," Keesha said, not taking her eyes off the PSP.
Wanda nodded. "Yeah, them too...HEY!"
D.A. nodded towards the highway. "Wanda, pay attention. Traffic's moving."
"Fine," Wanda said.
Traffic was slow, as most of the drivers were heading into Boston. Wanda and Dorothy Ann got into an argument as to why Wanda decided to go into Boston when it took them out of their way. Wanda argued it was faster. D.A. argued taking I-95 to 146 through Woonsocket towards I-90 and then I-91 straight up to Vermont's I-89 would have been more direct. Wanda called her a bronzed mouth that should shut up. D.A. said that didn't make any sense.
The two continued to argue through Massachusetts and New Hampshire, most of the arguments fabricated to give them something to do. Phoebe was growing tired and climbed into the trunk to sleep easier, not having to worry about putting her legs onto Keesha's lap. She situated her long, lanky body in between bags, and she drifted off. Wanda crossed into Vermont earlier than thought, mostly due to her pulling eighty-five and ninety through New England. She bought herself a new radar detector for this trip, so what should have been a seven hour trip was going to take five. She crossed into Vermont two hours earlier than planned
Phoebe woke up a few hours later to see they were in a rural small town, and she rubbed her eyes, wondering why she wasn't seeing any mountains. The Range Rover was empty, and she got out to see they were at a gas station. She was groggy from the nap, her mind still fuzzy, and she saw the girls walk out of the convenience store with cases of beer while Wanda downed a bag of Maltesers.
"Finally," Keesha said, hand holding cases of Molson Canadian. "You're up."
Phoebe rubbed her eyes. "What's with the beer?"
"What d'you mean?" Wanda asked, chewing the Maltesers. Her teeth were caked with chocolate and malt. "We told you we were getting beer."
Phoebe shook her head. "In Vermont?" It was then she saw everything around her was written in French and that the speed signs were in kilometers. "We're in Canada?" she screeched. "We're in Canada?!"
Dorothy Ann put down the Molson cases in her hands down and ran to her. "Pheebs, what is it?"
Phoebe was still letting out high pitched screams in short gasps, her freckled skin white. "We're in Canada! That's what it is!"
Wanda took out another bag of Maltesers from her purse. "Yeah, so what? Sure they speak French and use funny road signs..."
"I can't be in Canada!" Phoebe screamed.
Keesha laughed. "Why? You have priors?"
"I'm working on my green card, you assholes!" Phoebe still screamed. "I can't leave the goddamn States!"
The girls all raised their brows, and D.A. asked, "Pheebs, you were born in Boston...why would you need a green card?"
Phoebe bit her lip. "I wasn't born in Boston...I'm an illegal Canadian citizen." The girls all winced. "From Quebec." The girls added an "Oh!" to their winces. Phoebe took a deep breath. "When my mom was pregnant with me, she and Daddy decided to drive up to Montreal for the weekend, just a little getaway before I was born. Well, Mom went into premature labor, and lo and behold...I was born in Montreal...not my beloved Boston."
"Then how are you illegal?" Keesha asked.
"My parents decided not to get me naturalized, but then they realized I was going to need to register to vote when I turn 18 in July," Phoebe said, calming down more. "So now...I'm working on becoming a U.S. citizen."
Wanda started to laugh. "Oh, my God! This is hilarious!" Keesha punched her on the arm.
"Stupid ass," Keesha said. "How the hell are we going to cross the border with an illegal in the car who doesn't have a passport or proof of U.S. citizenship?"
D.A. shrugged. "Like we did before...Phoebe's gotta hide in the trunk."
The black Toyota Land Cruiser, Rhode Island plates reading "PERL 8", turned off of I-89 towards the small road leading to the cabin in the Bolton Valley foothills. The guys decided they'd surprise the girls for the weekend, and Arnold figured this way, he wasn't lying to his grandparents.
"So how are we getting in if Phoebe has the key?" Tim asked.
"There's a key my grandparents hide for emergencies," Arnold said. "I think surprising the girls is an emergency."
The cabin was a four bedroom, two bath with a kitchen, den, living room, basement, and a pool and hot tub. It was in driving distance from the ski resorts and near the Camel's Hump State Park. The Camel's Hump mountain was visible from the back of the cabin, and it was one of Arnold's favorite sights. He and Phoebe had once hiked up to the peak when they came to Vermont with his parents (Arnold's feeble attempt to get his parents to like Phoebe), and the Camel's Hump is the only place he's ever made it with a girl outdoors (also the highest altitude).
The guys noticed Wanda's Range Rover wasn't parked at the cabin, and Carlos said, "Where's my Wang? The girls aren't here."
"Calm down, Cheech," Ralphie said. "They might be in Canada getting the beer."
Just a little over an hour north of them, the girls were coming to the Quebec-Vermont border. Phoebe was hidden under bags, jackets, and blankets in the trunk. Wanda pointed to the duty free shop, laughing that it said "HORS TAXES".
"What kind of country is this where they tax their whores?" Wanda asked.
"Dumbass," D.A. sighed.
Keesha patted the driver's seat. "Let's go in. We can get more booze and candy."
"Booze and candy?" Wanda asked, her face lighting up. "I'm for it!"
"Hey, what?" Phoebe's muffled voice came from the back.
Keesha reached over the back seat to uncover Phoebe. "We're stopping at hors taxes."
Phoebe's brows raised. "Duty free? I'm for it."
She climbed over into the back seat, and Wanda parked in the duty free parking lot, the Canadian and Quebec flags flapping in the wind over them. Phoebe saw the U.S. and Vermont flags flying just a ways down and sighed. Phoebe wished she hadn't been born in the women's restroom at Olympic Stadium. Her parents decided to see a baseball game, the Reds at the Expos, and Diane had gone into labor in the ninth inning. It was a little after midnight when Phoebe came, the paramedics assisting Diane the whole time in the women's restroom.
The girls walked in the duty free shop, Wanda humming Prince's "Let's Go Crazy" under her breath. Keesha and Wanda got a cart, filling it with all kinds of liquor, all being put on Wanda's credit card. D.A. would have to purchase it, of course. Phoebe went through the candy and snacks to see if there was anything she could take back to Arnold, and she sighed again when a stuffed beaver dressed as a Mountie smiled at her. Phoebe grabbed whatever treats she could, knowing Arnold would eat any kind of sweet given to him.
The girls went to check out, D.A. taking care of the alcohol first. The cashier asked for a license plate number, and Wanda gave it to her. "Quebec?" the cashier asked.
Wanda raised her brows and laughed. "God, no. Rhode Island." Keesha smacked her on the arm.
The girls walked out to the Range Rover, D.A. packing the alcohol, and they got in. Wanda headed for the U.S. checkpoint, and the girls handed over their passports.
"Business in Canada?" the officer asked.
"Visiting," D.A. said before Wanda could say "To get beer".
"How long was the stay?" the officer asked.
"Just a couple of hours," D.A. said.
The officer nodded, handing the girls their passports. The let out sighs of relief, and Keesha patted the bags in the back. "Pheebs, you can come out now." There was no response. "Pheebs?" She turned around and uncovered the area to find there was no Phoebe. "Guys, we left Phoebe at the duty free."
Wanda slammed on the brakes, sending Keesha flying back into the driver's seat. "Goddammit!"
D.A. hit her. "Go! There are cars behind us!"
Wanda hit the acceleration, and the tires squealed as she took the first exit. She made a U-turn, going back towards Canada. There was more traffic at the border now, and Wanda banged her hands on the steering wheel. "Shit dammit! Let's go!"
They finally got to the checkpoint, and the Canadian border officer stuck his head out. "Registration."
The girls handed their passports over. "Listen, Canuck," Wanda said. "We need to just get over to duty free. We left our friend over there."
"Wanda!" D.A. hissed.
"Ma'am, I would watch how you speak to me," the officer said, reading her passport.
"Look, we just need to get over to duty free, okay?" Wanda asked. "We've seen Quebec...it sucks, okay? All we need to do is go to goddamn duty free!"
The officer motioned with his fingers. "Ma'am, step out of the car."
"I'm not going to step oot of the car!"
Both Keesha and D.A. hit her, and the officer called for backup. "Ma'am, pull the vehicle over there." He handed their passports back.
"Way to make this an international incident, bunghole," Keesha said.
"Never would have happened if that Hoser had just let us through," Wanda said, pulling the Range Rover off to the side. "We should have just used fakes at Kappy's."
"Never would have happened if your fat, racist mouth would have just kept quiet," Keesha shot back. "And you tried the fakes at Kappy's. We left Boston with nothing."
Wanda turned around. "I am not fat!"
The officers got Phoebe and brought her to the girls in a station. Two officers sat the four down. "You're over the limit on Canadian citizens you can smuggle out of this country," one of the officers said, his tag reading "Oudekirk". The other was "Conway".
"Well, what is the legal limit on that?" Wanda asked. "We only had one Canadian."
Oudekirk shot her a look. "The limit is zero, you hoser."
"Dammit," Wanda sighed.
"Look," D.A. said. "Phoebe never told us she a Canadian citizen. We didn't want any trouble."
Conway raised his brows. "Didn't tell you she was a citizen. Seems convenient, eh?"
Keesha nodded. "You got us." She stood up. "We're here to take over your country."
D.A. raised her brows and let out a nervous laugh. "Keesha, I know it seems funny when you say stuff like that, but, uhm, for the love of God, don't."
Oudekirk nodded and walked around them. "No one leaves until we get answers."
They sat the girls down one by one to see what answers they'd get. Conway asked, "What are you doing in Canada?"
Keesha's response, "We're part of an elite, high school terrorist team bent on making Canada number fifty-one. Call us Strike Force Rhode Island."
D.A.'s response, "We just came here to get the beer, and...I love Hot Hot Heat...bandages, bandages, bandages!"
Wanda's response, "Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?"
Phoebe's response, "No habla inglés."
Conway's next question, "What's your business in Canada?"
D.A. shrugged and looked at them with disbelief. "Getting...beer."
Wanda scratched her ear and eye, "Do you ever get an American quarter in your change?"
Keesha smirked. "Seeing where we could build Six Flags Over Canada."
Phoebe continued to look like a scared deer and said, "¿Puedo ahora ir de nuevo a la Rhode-isla?"
Conway and Oudekirk were getting agitated, and Conway asked, "What's your reason for coming to Canada?"
"Beer!" D.A. said. "Beer, beer, beer!"
"Yeah," Keesha said, "I'm here to bang Stephen Harper."
Wanda scratched her nose with her arm. "What the hell's with all the Tim Hortons? Where're the Paneras?"
Phoebe bit her lip and said, "Tengo que utilizar el cuarto de baño."
The officers were getting agitated and brought the girls together. "You girls are in real trouble if you did what we think you did," Oudekirk said.
D.A. raised her brows. "What do you think we did?"
Oudekirk raised his brows back. "What do you think we think you did?"
Keesha crossed her arms. "What do you think we think you think we did?"
"Something involving a Canadian citizen being smuggled into the U.S.," Conway said. "That much is for sure."
"And now we're gonna get some answers," Oudekirk said.
"What are you gonna do? Torture us?" Keesha asked, knowing they wouldn't.
Wanda started to laugh. "Yeah. You gonna make us listen to Celine Dion records?"
Conway pointed a hard finger at her. "Hey! She's a wonderful performer, and you're not funny!"
"No," Oudekirk said, "I think what we're gonna do is call your parents."
Phoebe covered her face. " Oh, my parents are going to kill me...I mean! Oh, dios mio."
Wanda jumped to her feet. "No! We had to smuggle Phoebe. It was the only way for her to see her great homeland...with its spacious skies and fruited waves of...plain. And..." She swallowed hard and began to sang in a beautiful soprano that shocked the girls, "Oh, Canada... Our home and native land..."
Oudekirk smirked, "Nice try, missie."
Keesha stood up and added in her alto, harmonizing with Wanda, "True patriot love... In all thy sons' command."
Conway shook his head. "It's not gonna work."
D.A. and Phoebe jumped in, the four making a beautiful a cappella quartet, "With glowing hearts...we see thee rise the true north strong as..." They began to falter, but Phoebe saved them, "From far and wide...Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee..."
The officer joined the girls, "God keep our land...Glorious and free...Oh, Canada...We stand on guard for thee...Oh, Canada...We stand on guard for thee."
The officers nodded to each other, and Conway said, "You know, there must be some way to put this all behind us."
"We'll give you our beer," Keesha said, wishing right away she hadn't.
Oudekirk nodded. "Oh, God bless you. Now...leave Canada, please."
The girls nodded and ran out. Phoebe curled up in the trunk, and the girls decided to go get more beer. They managed to get across the U.S. border with no problem, a different officer letting them in this time. They drove down to the cabin, and they were surprised to find Arnold's Land Cruiser parking in the front. They walked in to find the boys barbequing in the back, and Phoebe ran to Arnold, holding him in a tight hold.
"Well, to what do we owe this so-called pleasure?" Keesha asked.
"Wang!" Carlos said, seeing Wanda.
"Poodle!" Wanda said. They ran to one another and lifted their shirts to bump bare stomachs.
Ralphie said, "Arnold, being whipped, missed his woman, so he dragged us up here to watch them do it."
Keesha shot Arnold a look. "No one needs to see that."
"Where were you four?" Tim asked.
Phoebe let go of Arnold to get herself a beer. "It's quite the story, it is."
note: The interrogation was based pert near directly from That 70's Show episode "Canadian Road Trip".
"Wang!" Carlos said, seeing Wanda.
"Poodle!" Wanda said. They ran to one another and lifted their shirts to bump bare stomachs.
- Taken from Will & Grace...well, Wanda calling Carlos "Poodle" and the stomach bumping anyway (as they're my MSB Jack and Karen)