A/N: Once more, dedicated to StephenieMeyerWannabe, angst extraordinaire!
Disclaimer: I seriously don't own Twilight, heavens know why!
For the first time.
It was Biology class, and I was happy. I had just met the first girl I thought I could actually befriend, and she was so cheerful, it rubbed off on me. I was singing a song in my head, a tune that had been haunting me since I arrived at Forks.
I had just sat down next to Edward, the most gorgeous boy I had ever seen. But this time he wasn't finishing his homework from the day before, like he usually did. He had his binder open, and the homework unfinished, but he was staring intently at me, in a way that made my stomach flutter.
I looked back at him, right into his deep green eyes. We sat like that for a minute, but then he smiled brilliantly knocking me out of my world, and nearly out of my seat. He seemed to find that funny, and his dazzling grin expanded, making my heart thump erratically.
He leaned closer to me, and I actually did fall off my chair. The people around looked briefly, but couldn't be concerned what we were doing. It wasn't like me falling out of my chair was a completely new experience for them. I had been here 2 weeks, if that surprised them, than they were extremely unobservant.
I felt like I was in a daze, and I stared at the pale, hand shaped object in front of my face. I wondered what it was, but before I made a decision on what to do with it, Edward said "Bella, sweetie, take my hand."
I grabbed his hand, for that was what the object was, and he pulled me upwards. I straightened my shirt, and stiffly sat down beside him, when his breath tickled my ear once more. I had been surprised, he had, well not ignored me, but treated me like I was anyone else, for the last few weeks. I wondered why the change.
Because my mind was still all foggy, from the closest encounter with Edward yet, I had decided to ask him. There is no other way to get an answer, right? "So, Edward," I said, trying to smile innocently at him, "why all the change?" He seemed very surprised with my comment, whether it was the question itself, or the fact I was actually asking it.
"What change?" He had a serious expression on, but his eyes had danced with mirth, and it gave me courage. "You know, the change about talking to me." I said that with the cutest expression I could possibly manage without hurting myself. His hand tightened on the desk and he thought about his answer. I had decided to give him time to answer it. I wasn't sure of what his response would be, but I could think of a couple that would change my world forever.
I turned back to the teacher, who was droning on about the dissection we were doing tomorrow. When he started to demonstrate with an extra frog, my stomach flipped and flopped even more than it had with Edward. I tuned him out, and I tried to not watch Edward, as he sat, thinking deeply about what to say. His forehead was furrowed and it took all the internal strength I had to stop myself from smoothing it out with my thumb.
After class I slowly put my pencils and whatnot into my backpack, but Edward had jumped up immediately, and ran out. I wondered if he was avoiding me. It sure felt like he was. I felt indescribably embarrassed. More than I had felt before, or after.
Edward always brought out the most in me. I had my happiest time with him, and my most jealous, and angriest. And because of him, the saddest. He emphasized every emotion.
When I finally packed up all of my things, I walked out. Then, I felt the most surprised I've ever felt. There was Edward, leaning against the wall, nervously tapping his feet. He looked at me and smiled his perfect smile…
I wish I could describe how Edward made me feel. It was the best feeling, to be smiled at by him. Even now, in the wretched pain of his absence, I can still remember. I remember the rush of joy, the ecstasy. I always felt on top of the world, as if I was actually important. Just being smiled at by Edward, it was enough to make me beautiful. He had the biggest effect on me.
"Hi Bella," he had said, somehow making it seem irresistible. On his lips, everything sounded stunning. I had been blown away, struck by his smile. He dazzled me. He started walking over, his lips moving. I really tried to focus on his words, knowing they were more gorgeous than my favorite symphony.
"Bella," he said, running his hands through his hair, and delighting me with another quick grin. I could never get used to them, each one was a complete work of art, stolen from the minds of the greatest artists. "Yeah," I said, still in my dream world. His voice, instead of pulling me out, made me sink further into the cushy corners of my mind.
"I've decided I won't stay away from you," he declared, as if it made sense. I just stood there for a second confused. I did not try to hide my confusion. "I mean, I want to be with you," he attempted to clarify. "You mean…" I trailed off, not coherent.
"Bella…" He trailed off too, and I decided that we were both the worst communicators on the planet. "You don't want to stay away from me, you want to be with me?" I asked, repeating what he said, as if that would make it understandable. It didn't help much, but Edward nodded enthusiastically.
I wondered if I had the same effect on him as he had on me, because that was the only reason why both of us couldn't finish our sentences. I looked at him, and he looked at me. I smiled, and he smiled. Then I leaned in, and so did he. I wondered how far I could take the mimicking thing. I raised my left arm, and he stared at it.
That made me giggle, and he laughed too. Then, he did the most surprising thing of all.
He leaned in further, and his cool breath hit my lips in one of the best sensations I've ever felt. I took a step forward, and our lips met, causing my mind to twist and contort. All I felt was him, and the heat I absorbed from his lips.
The world shook, and morphed into something else entirely. We pulled away, and everything around us was beautiful. Exquisite. I looked at him, and smiled.
"Okay," I said.
Our first kiss. I sighed. It was one of my favorite memories of us. Of him. Thinking back on it, I almost smile. It was so extraordinary, so different, so Edward. He never was one to do stuff conventionally. I sure was glad that we learned how to communicate after that. Moving from the window to my bed, I closed my eyes, remembering more.
"E-Edward," I squeaked, as he lifted me up, and slung me over his shoulder, "where are we going?" He often carried me places this way, but normally it was into the house, to his locker, or other places we normally go. This time he stopped the car at the end of a deserted street, and carried me off into the woods.
His laughter shook me, and he said, "Patience Bella, you will see in a second." I was not worried. The sound of his voice was enough to make my world melt, if not comfort me. I relaxed into his shoulder, and let my fingers trace patterns on his back. He growled, rumbling my entire body again, and set me down.
His eyes were dark, nearly black, and they smoldered into mine. Sitting on a mossy hill, I leaned back, putting my weight on my arms, and shook my hair out behind me. I looked back at him and smiled angelically, and he growled again. He practically threw himself next to me, and started kissing me, pulling me closer.
His mouth moved frantically on mine, and our hands intertwined. I leaned over him, still connected at the lips. I was nearly sitting on him, and my hair fell over my shoulder, creating a dark space, where it was only he and I. Slowly my mouth turned into a smile, and I started to laugh.
"What is it?" he asked, sitting up a little. I bit back my grin, "Nothing, it's just, well, I am so happy right now." He smiled too and I grinned, pressing my mouth on his again. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I sighed. "I love you Edward." Suddenly I realized what I said, and I was surprised with myself. "I love you?" I said again testing it out.
"I love you." Then, I smiled, realizing the truth of my words. "I love you. I love you. I love you." I said repeatedly, kissing him each time. I buried my face into his neck and said, "I love you." He laughed joyfully, and said, "I love you too."
And my heart erupted into bliss.
Ahhh. The first time he told me he loved me. There were so many firsts. So many firsts, and so many lasts. But not very many in between. I wish we had more time, I wish we could've had more middles. I wish he never left.
I walked nervously from the Volvo, gripping Edwards's hand like a life rope. "Don't worry, Bella, I won't let anything happen to you." I lightly smacked his arm, "I don't think they will hurt me, I just don't know if they will like me. I really want them to like me."
He squeezed my hand, "there is no way on earth that they won't like you. You are amazing, and everyone will see that." I smiled at him, but he only decreased my anxiety a little. Meeting your boyfriend's parents is a big deal, no matter how 'amazing' you are. I was so nervous. And I had no reason to be. I had wasted another afternoon with Edward, worrying about the inevitable.
He opened the door to the red brick house, and called out, "Mom, Dad, we're here!" His mother walked out into the entrance hall, and living room, and gave me a hug. I hugged her back, and I could smell vanilla, and roses. It was an appealing combination, one of someone who spent time baking and gardening. She pulled back and looked in my eyes. "I'm Elizabeth, Edward's mom." I smiled at her and said "I'm Bella."
They were so nice to me. And I hardly deserved it. She loved me then, and she loved me still, although I do not know why. I gave her nothing and she, she gave me everything. She gave me Edward.
Edward Sr. came down soon after, and gave me a familiar crooked grin, and patted me on the back, "It's so nice to see our Edward with a girlfriend. Elizabeth was worried he would never get out of the house, and grow up to be a recluse," he said with a laugh. Edward didn't find it as funny, frowning, and running his hands through his hair. "Da-ad" he complained, for once sounding like the teenager he was, "Da-ad".
We chatted about the weather, and politics, sports and our favorite flavor of chips. We even talked about the reasoning behind socks and sandals. I talked to them more in 5 minutes than I did with my parents my entire life. When we finally sat down to alfredo pasta in their elegant dining room, I felt that I could hold Edward's hand, and laugh, and talk, as if I belonged. I looked in his joyous green eyes…
Even now, even retelling this story, after searching for my memories of him, and avoiding them once I found them, I still cannot think about his eyes. His eyes mean too much to me. They show his courage, his kindness, his hopes, his dreams, his everything. His eyes reflected the world back at me, changed and contorted into something beautiful. Edward saw the impossible, he saw the despair, and broken wishes, but he chose to accept those, and mourn those, and carry on. He noticed the bad, but he mirrored the good. Edward is a shining light in the eyes of those who know him, who love him. He changed people's lives. He changed mine.
The dinner went well, and I was still smiling as I left the Mason's house. Edward and I held hands as we strolled down the long driveway. I looked up at him through my eyelashes, attempting to be alluring, and said "that went well. I really love your parents," I smiled thinking of the happy family inside the house. "Yeah," Edward said, "I am glad you guys hit it off."
"How glad?" I asked, feigning innocence. "Very glad," he said, his eyes dancing with mirth. Then he let out a whoop of laughter, and picked me up, twirling me in the air. "Stop it! Stop it!" I laughed, not meaning a word. "I am very, very glad," Edward said, striking me with his smile once more.
"I can tell," I said breathlessly, and leaned in to kiss him, still lifted up in the air. Slowly he put me down, wrapping his arms around me to deepen the kiss. He pulled away, looking deep into my eyes, "I love you, Isabella Marie Swan."
"And I love you, Edward Anthony Mason."
The first time I did anything with Edward was spectacular, whether it was mini-golf, or making wishes on fallen stars. There were many things we did, and not one did not stand out. Everything was amazing. Everything was perfect. There was no way I would give these memories up, even for this pain to be erased.
I curled up on my side, clutching my heart as if it was being torn out of my chest. I knew this ache well, and it knew me better. I allowed the tears to flow once more, feeling numb to the sadness that created them. The violent sobs racked my body, causing me to shake, and tremble, unaware of my surroundings. I could feel cool hands on my forehead, but knew they were imaginary. I heard his velvet voice say, "Bella, honey, wake up," but I knew it was a fantasy.
There was only one person I wanted to see, and I would not see him in the realm of the awake. My Edward only visited in my dreams, for now.