A/N: I have pure crack in my head, all thanks to looking stuff up on Nibiru and playing with a Sailor Moon doll maker. After all, it's a planet too, right? XD
Thank Alexiel for the first title XD
The Day the Universe Burped:
A Sailor Moon Fangirl's romp
Usagi and Mamoru were happy being married and getting ready to have a baby, Little Usagi. It was happy in Tokyo, Japan, and no more evil would bother them in their new happy world. Sailor Moon had defeated it! Of course no evil could be left!
Tell that to the powers that be.
No, I'm sorry, they put you on hold. Please leave a message after the beep.
Mamoru watched as the universe opened up and spat out a chewed up and wet youma that left a bad taste in its gaping maw. Once it burped down the rest of the youma, the universe once more flattened out and left the other youma on the ground all wet and ugly from the beating it received at the hands of the universe. "I HATE YOU TOO, YOU RUDDY BASTARD!" cried the youma and shook his fist at the sky.
"Er, aren't you supposed to not exist anymore?" asked Mamoru.
"Shut up! It's not my fault! Blame the writer!" cried the youma before it ran away for its mama.
Mamoru and Usagi looked to each other and clung to one another. "Oh Mamo-chan! Something is really wrong here!"
"Yeah, the sky just opened up like a mouth spat that freak out. I mean, what's up with that!" said Mamoru as he ruffled his black hair.
"That's not what I meant! I mean, that was a youma! There's supposed to be peace in our kingdom because of the Imperium Silver Crystal!" cried Usagi.
"It ain't our kingdom, yo," said Mamoru, momentarily donning a backwards baseball cap and crappy, baggy clothing and lots of gold chains.
"Mamoru! The universe is affecting you now, too!!" cried Usagi once more in fright.
Mamoru tossed the clothing off and posed in a loincloth to show off his manly body because he screamed at the sky to stop it. A great hand shot out of the sky and slapped him with new clothes, this time far more covering, and knocked him right out into the ocean. Usagi gasped and grabbed a fishing pole and cast the line out to sea to catch her beloved on a hook. The line went stiff and Mamoru jumped out of the sea like a fish as Usagi pulled him out of the water and held him up for a man to take a picture of.
"I'll stuff him and mount him and then he'll forever be the biggest catch I've ever had!" said Usagi happily.
Mamoru smacked Usagi over the head with his hand and spat out the line in his mouth. Usagi cried a bit that Mamoru hurt her, but recovered quickly as they both looked up to see the sky once more turning dark and opening up with a great burp.
"We have to inform the scouts!" cried Usagi.
"Stop that crying! I can't think with you sobbing all the time like that!" shouted Mamoru.
"I'm not always crying! I'm exclaiming fitfully! There's a difference! If you want to bitch, bitch at the writer!" said Usagi as she pulled out a two-by-four and wrote idiot across it, smacking him forcefully with it.
"Gah!" cried Mamoru.
"Now who's crying!"
"It's exclaiming fitfully!" shouted Mamoru. "Forget this! We need to get out of here before that whatever it is pukes on us!" Then, Mamoru grabbed Usagi's hand and hauled her away as quickly as possible.
Indeed, the universe did puke. It puked out an uncountable number of sailor scouts in a wide variety of colors and species. They tumbled over the streets, causing the already crowded Tokyo streets to overflow. A great tsunami of scouts crashed right into Tokyo tower and bent it in half, forever making it look like an impotent phallic symbol for all to view. That is, in the future, until someone put out an ad for Tower Viagra and righted not only Tokyo tower, but the leaning tower of Pisa.
The former scouts gathered at Rei's temple and stared at the mess before them on Ami's computer screen. The former Sailor Venus eyed it and rubbed her face. "What the hell are these things? I feel like the universe just crapped on us as if we're a great big toilet!"
Ami smiled sheepishly and attempted to get better looks at the problem at hand on her screen. "I can't make out what is happening. It really does look as though the sky is vomiting all those other scouts."
"Luna, just how many sailor scouts are there out there?" asked Makoto.
"Hundreds," said Luna.
"Thousands," said Artemis.
"There's no telling how many scouts there are out there. Scouts are a dime a dozen in the multiverse and they're all protecting their own royalty," said Luna.
Usagi mumbled as she rubbed her belly, the baby kicking against her hand. "I can't fight, can I?"
"No!" cried the rest of the scouts.
Mamoru smacked them with the idiot board. "No crying around here!"
"It's called exclaiming fitfully, you rotten bastard!" shouted the scouts.
The ground rumbled as the sea of scouts moved toward the temple. Mamoru gripped Usagi to him as the scouts moved out in front of them. The sea of scouts crashed right into them and swept them out past Tokyo until the sea died down and left them stranded out on the outskirts of the city, ebbing away back into the city.
Mamoru held Usagi close to him as he opened his eyed and looked round. The former scouts were all right and so was Usagi. "What the hell is going on?" said Mamoru.
Just then, the scouts that were left by the sea of scouts started getting to their feet like a bunch of zombies. One stepped up and struck a pose, wearing a blue sailor scout uniform with blonde hair. She looked a lot like Sailor Uranus.
"Who are you?" said Minako Aino as she moved out in front of the former scouts.
"I am Sailor Utopia! I come from the Anti-Kingdom!! My mother is Queen Dementia and I will punish you in the name of the anti-moon kingdom!" cried the sailor soldier.
"No! I will defeat them, the imposters!" cried another. "I am Sailor Lunaris! I am the Moon Priestess! In the name of the moon I'll punish you!" This one had long purple hair in the same configuration as Luna's humanoid form, a pair of buns on the top of her head and the rest of the hair falling down. Her scout uniform was a gothic Lolita garb of purple and blue and black.
The planetary scouts decided that perhaps this was a good time to find a quick exit so they ran as fast as they could in the opposite direction while the new scouts fought over one another. Mamoru even took to picking up Usagi and ran with her in his arms. The new scouts closed in on them quickly and circled them all.
"Just who are you all and why are you after us!" shouted Mamoru.
Like a great big hive of bees, they each screamed as one, "We are the Sailor Sues! We've come to take over your homeworld because ours has become too crowded!"
The former scouts looked to one another and nodded. To protect their princess and prince, to protect their future king and queen, they would have to take up their old skirts and dive right back into those ridiculous, sexist sailor uniforms once more. After all, what normal woman now-a-days wears such a revealing piece of clothing when it serves no function at all but to cater to men's desires everywhere?
They changed from their normal selves to their sailor scout selves and pulled out their respective weapons, well not all, since not all had physical weapons so to speak. Mamoru pulled Usagi close to him once more as the guardian scouts surrounded them in a circle against the hordes of Sailor Sues threatening them.
With each strike of each respective power that the scouts had, dozens of Sailor Sues disappeared, only have dozens more replace the fallen ones. It all seemed so hopeless! The Sailor Sue horde closed in on them harder and harder until it seemed likely that they would be overcome by the zombie like hive of Sailor Sues.
A flash went off and four men appeared from four stones. Kunzite, Zoicite, Nephrite and Jadeite all appeared in front of the scouts, pulling out their own weapons from no where. Mamoru blinked at his old generals. "I thought you guys were dead!" said Mamoru.
Kunzite smirked faintly and flicked a glance toward his master. "We're always here to save the day. After all, the girls can only do so well."
"Just you be quiet, Kunzite!" shouted Minako.
"Temper, Temper, Sailor Venus. You might muss yourself up even more," said Kunzite, smirking more toward Minako. Minako turned bright pink and huffed at him.
However effective the generals might have been, however, the generals did not anticipate the maniacal horde turning on them with sighs and swoons. Nephrite smirked and crossed his arms in front of him. "Thought so. After all, we are the best-looking men in this series besides Prince Endymion."
"Even better still," said Zoicite, "We're better looking than even Prince Endymion."
Out of no where a female version of Zoicite latched herself onto Kunzite, knocking him to the ground. Zoicite stared in horror at the display in front of him. "What the hell are you doing?! You're me and you're all over Kunzite like a whore on dope!"
"Shut up! I'm the dubbed version of you because we're actually guys for reals and no kid wants to watch a homosexual pairing like us running around in a cartoon!" shouted Zoycite.
Zoicite twitched and held out his hand to Mamoru. Mamoru promptly gave up the Idiot Board and smacked the crap out of Zoycite while ranting. "IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU STUPID TART! HE'S MY SUPERIOR AND HE'S A DAMNED GOOD SUPERIOR, THOUGH I'M PRETTIER THAN HE IS! DON'T YOU GIVE ME LIP, YOU GOD-FORSAKEN EXCUSE OF A BITCH! I'LL HIT YOU UNTIL YOUR HEAD ROLLS! STOP MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A POOF IN FRONT OF THE CUTE CHICK WITH THE BLUE HAIR!"
Ami promptly turned pink and buried her nose in her small, compact computer, attempting to find some way of getting the Zoycite out of there so that perhaps the story might continue on. Oh were those her socks she lost in the laundry?
"Sailor Jupiter, make shock that way," said Sailor Mercury as she pointed off to the horde to her right.
Jupiter's lightning rod came out of her tiara and she sent a bright bolt of lightning at the crowd. A rip in the air formed and Kunzite took a hold of the dubbed Zoycite and tossed her out the rip with little effort, since she was unconscious from Zoicite's beating her, and closed the rip himself. Zoicite handed the Idiot Board off to Mamoru and went back to join his comrades sides.
"Girls can only do so well, huh?" said Rei, smirking.
"Oh shut up, you girls always fail at one thing or another and have to have your pretty butts saved by the resident ditz," said Jadeite.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING 'DITZ'?!" screeched Usagi as she snatched the Idiot Board away from Mamoru and smacked Jadeite over the head with it. Rei snorted at Jadeite and crossed her arms in front of her as Usagi was hauled off of Jadeite by Mamoru.
Kunzite rubbed his face and groaned; Nephrite snorted and shook his head at their comrade's twitching form on the ground. Zoicite rolled his eyes and flipped a lock of his curled hair over his shoulder. "And you call ME immature," said Zoicite.
"No, we call you feminine," said Nephrite.
"Ladies! Stop arguing!" said Mamoru, his mouth twitching in a small smirk at Zoicite and Nephrite looking rather embarrassed.
The Sue Horde had stopped advancing, mostly due to most of them drooling at the four generals. Kunzite waved his sword in the faces of the ones in front of them and was interested when they started watching it and swaying to keep watch of it as he swung it around. "Hmph, seems they're hypnotized."
"Yeah, they're all drooling," said Zoicite.
"Probably because we're that good-looking," said Nephrite.
Jadeite remained silent, due to his being knocked out cold by Usagi so to further his commentary would make it far more ridiculous and deserves to be mocked.
Mock. Mock. Mock.
With that, the generals cleared a path with Kunzite in the lead for the sailor scouts, Mamoru and Usagi to walk through the drooling horde of Sailor Sues like the great parting of the Red Sea. Once clear, Kunzitre raised his sword to the heavens and the horde collapsed in on itself.
"The pharoh will not come after us anymore," he said.
"Oh Moses!" said Venus as she dropped to one knee to Kunzite.
Both were smacked with the Idiot Board by Nephrite. "Wrong story, you two," said Jupiter.
Rei rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Morons. They belong together."
But the universe had burped again and this time a great dark cloud came out of it. Riding on top of it was a woman with short dark violet hair and wearing a sailor scout uniform of black leather and purple satin. Her eyes opened and one was a vivid blue and the other a deep violet. She smirked and in one black gloved hand a fencing sword appeared, the head of the Egyptian god Anubis on the hilt of the blade. "Time to kill me some competition," she said. "After all, I'm…"
She stopped when she didn't get any dramatic music and threw her sword into the head of the conductor of the local orchestra. "I WANT MUSIC, DAMN IT!"
A replacement conductor jumped into place and dramatic music filtered through the air as the sailor scout struck a defiant and arrogant pose. "I AM SAILORANUBIS! I DON'T CARE ABOUT PUTTING A SPACE IN MY NAME BECAUSE THE JAPANESE DON'T DO IT EITHER!"
And with that, she started cackling madly atop her dark cloud of confusion. After all, she was the great and powerful bitch of all that is evil. Why shouldn't she cackle madly at all who shall fall at her feet? She was entitled to it!