When we last left our heroes, that chicken-obsessed farmer from the podquest made us get him the heart of a dragon, so I tied Mike to a pole and totally cheated by getting a dragonfly's heart instead. Then the farmer told us the Ultramonocle or whatever was stolen by ninjas. Oh yeah, a dragon showed up too. He looks kind of angry.

"When we last left our heroes, they had been cornered by a fearsome dragon." Mike narrated. The dragon roared so loudly that off in the distance Mt. Norrington itself trembled. "Okay Schmoopy, here's the plan. Have Jacque cut me down, then I'll cast swords of light on the dragon and while he's trapped we use Plan C!" Schmoopy looked at him in disgust.

"No way Mike! Do you have any idea how much xp a dragon would be worth? We've gotta kill that thing!" The sorcerer exclaimed.

"Fine then. Jacque, cut me down." Eluamous demanded.

"Oui, oui. Mon ami." Jacque replied, he then floated over the Eluamous and shot a fire blast at the wizard. Burning the ropes off, and burning Eluamous as well. After rolling around on the ground to put the fire out, Eluamous got up and faced the dragon.

"Magic Missile!" Eluamous yelled as he shot a fire blast of arcane power at the dragon. Unfortunately it only did four damage.

"What the crud? I though magic missile was supposed to do seven to eight damage!" Schmoopy complained. His wizard companion's eyes widened in fear.

"Oh no. No." Eluamous stuttered.

"What?" Schmoopy asked.

"It's an Arcane Dragon. They have a racial passive ability to reflect half of every spell back at the user!" Just then the dragon reared up and shot a magic missile at our heroes, dealing four damage to each of them.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." Schmoopy commented. Getting down to business the ninja Abraham Lincoln raised up his hands and began to cast a spell.


"Now remember Rob, flare counts a spell so-"Mike began to explain.

"I cast flare!" Rob yelled.

"God, idiot." Mike face palmed. "Great thinking genius. Schmoopy's flare blinds the dragon on its left side, so of course it reflects half the flare, causing us to get blinded on our right sides!"


"Now I throw a shuriken at the dragon!" Schmoopy announced.

"You already used your turn idiot." Eluamous told the sorcerer.

"Well, uh, Schmoopy uses his charm of getting an extra turn… and throws a shuriken at the dragon!" The Japanese weapon flew through the air.

"You idiot! You're half-blinded there's no way you can hit the dragon. You'll probably just end up hitting-Oww!" Schmoopy's shuriken impaled itself smack-dab in the center of Eluamous's head.

"Okay, Petey, do a mega-punch!" The sorcerer commanded as the flare began to wear off. Petey nodded and leapt at the dragon. But his super-powerful attack only did one damage.


"What? Mega-Punch is supposed to be an insta-kill! It says right here on Petey's character sheet." Mike complained, for once angry that Rob wasn't cheating.

"Yeah, mega-punch got nerfed pretty hard in the new patch." Rob explained.

"D'oh, grrr, arrrgh…" Mike uttered, trying to not scream out in anger. "THIS IS A TABLE-TOP ROLE PLAYING GAME! THERE ARE NO PATCHES YOU IMBICILE!" Rob held up a piece of paper with some hardly legible writing scribbled on it.

"Then what's this?" Rob asked. The paper said as follows.

Patch !


Mike is G4Y (lololol)

Mega-punch now does 1 dmg. =(

"I hate you so much." Mike commented dryly.


"Alright, let's stop the QQ and get to the PewPew." Schmoopy raised up his nun-chucks.

"What?" Eluamous asked, not well versed in "l33tsp34k". Before Schmoopy could explain, Jacque floated up to the dragon.

"Mon ami, Jacque a une idée de vaincre le dragon! The talking axe explained. "Le control du mind!" He shouted. Just then the dragon's head began to grow, and grow until finally it exploded, showering the forest with delicious crispy chicken. "Je ressemble aux spectres de Starcraft! Hon hon hon!" Jacque gloated.

"Why would the dragon be full of delicious crispy chicken?" Eluamous asked.

"Obviously you're not familiar with dragon anatomy Mike." Schmoopy commented. After the sorcerer finished that sentence, the now headless dragon fell over, crushing the farmer.

"Great, and now we don't have anyone to tell us where the Shadow Clan is."

With the dragon defeated and the location of the Ultramonocle known, will our heroes be able to find it in time? Will Roamin and Gaary retrieve the weed whacker from Timmy? Find out in the next amazing episode of: Unforgotten Fan Realms Fiction Story Thing!