Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: Big thanks to the usual crowd: BajaB, IP, Jim, JJ, Sean, Chuck, and everyone I'm forgetting.
TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE
Harry plopped down with a sigh at the dinner table. Snape was a callous bastard and Umbridge was an unfeeling sadistic bitch. The Headmaster was ignoring him, Sirius was busy with Remus, and kissing Cho wasn't nearly as fun as he'd been hoping.
Harry was pretty sure that had more to do with the Cho part and less to do with the kissing part, but a little definitive confirmation would have been appreciated. He began to wonder if kissing a girl made her cry, what would happen when he touched her boobs?
He was so deep in thought he barely noticed Fred and George sit down on both sides of him, sandwiching him in.
But it was hard to miss the gleaming smiles on their faces.
Harry whipped his head left and right. "What?"
They just grinned unrepentantly at him.
"What?" Harry asked again when he got no verbal response. "Do I even want to know?"
The identical smiles on the twins' faces got even brighter while the charmed sky overhead began to darken. Thunder was softly booming, but it wasn't until the lightning began to crash that Harry felt a sense of worry.
The most unnerving fact was that the lightning snaking across the ceiling was bright neon killing curse green.
Harry was looking up, impressed that they managed to affect the charms on the storied ceiling. "What did you guys do?"
"We need you to say it, Harry," one of the twins urged.
Harry didn't even need to ask what 'it' referred to. "Why me?"
"Just say it," the twin on the other side cajoled.
"Fine," Harry reluctantly agreed. He was already partially flinching when he magically intoned, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."
A loud crack echoed around the Great Hall as lightning flashed, striking Harry Potter and both Weasley twins. Harry was trying to scamper away from Fred and George and their surprisingly painless magical lightning. The twins were valiantly restraining a wiggling Harry, while all three glowed green.
Harry feigned surrender, briefly allowing the Weasley twins to hold him in place, before slipping away and breaking the connection of the funny-feeling magic.
Fred and George looked at each other in confusion as the lightning snaked back up to the ceiling, crackling the whole way.
"-oh," they summarized together as the room began shaking and shuddering. Everyone in the Great Hall was looking up as the dark clouds exploded with a wet pop and rained down a bright orange and yellow mucous substance.
"Fred and George Weasley!" Professor McGonagall's loud shout came from the staff table moments after pandemonium broke out.
All the students and most of the staff were scrambling to get under their dinner tables or out of the Great Hall. The sticky, sloppy, pudding-like rain was coating everyone and everything in sight.
"Time to go," Fred nodded at Harry, who was heroically taking refuge under the Gryffindor table.
Harry wasn't sure what was going on, but he figured getting out of the Great Hall sounded like a pretty good idea.
In the mass of confusion as people were yelling and clamoring to get past the bottleneck of the doors, no one noticed there were a few more voices than usual.
"Did it work?" Fred asked his brother.
"I don't think it worked quite as planned," George answered him.
Harry caught up with them after they'd turned down a hidden hall. "What was supposed to happen?"
Fred and George glanced at each other, communicating nonverbally.
"Whoo. That fromunda's ripe."
Harry came to a sudden dead stop. "Who's there?"
"Are you talking to me?"
Harry spun around in confusion and saw the looks of surprise on the Weasley twins' faces.
"You're looking in the wrong direction, wanker."
Harry looked down the front of his robes to where he thought the voice was coming from. "Where are you?"
"Sadly, I'm not surprised you need directions. Fucking teenagers."
"Hey!" Harry shouted looking up. "Come out and face me, you pussy!"
The voice began to laugh so hard it was coughing. "Calling me a pussy? That's just perfect."
Harry felt a tingling in his crotch. "What the hell?" He spun away from the Weasley twins, hiked up his robes, and looked down the front of his pants. He saw the tackle still looked perfectly normal but the voice didn't stop.
"Light! Fresh air! Freedom!"
Harry just stared at his penis in shock. "What the fuck."
"Give us a tug, guv'ner. We just want to shake your hand."
Harry held the front of his pants open and spun towards the Weasley twins. "What the fuck?"
A small huff of irritation preceded, "Honestly, Harry. Hogwarts, a History says that-"
"Shut up!" Harry shouted interrupting his crotch. He snapped his gaze up to Fred and George. "What have you done?"
Fred and George seemed to be having a silent conversation over who would break the news to Harry. George lost and explained, "We're proving to the world that just because some men think with their little heads, it doesn't mean the little heads aren't capable of making good decisions!"
Harry stared without blinking. Then he blinked. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Language!" was the scornful shout from Harry's penis.
All three men looked down towards Harry's crotch in confusion.
"Good Hermione impression, eh?"
"It really was," George readily agreed, nodding to his brother.
Harry felt like he was going to wake up from a potion overdose induced dream any minute now.
"So how's about you bury me ball's deep into that tasty little beaver?"
Fred and George both managed to react first with guffaws and barely hidden snickers of glee.
"She's my friend!" Harry yipped out as his adolescent voice cracked.
"So what?" Harry's penis argued. "Close friends are the best for experimenting and learning about the old in-out, in-out. And we both know that nasty bitch has read all kinds of books on theory and advanced techniques. Maybe we could get her some glasses and see if Professor Granger wants to give us detention-"
"Stop it!" Harry said slapping his thigh. "Stop it right now!"
The penis harrumphed. "Fine. I guess we'll keep waiting for someone who looks like Mum."
Harry groaned in embarrassment before remembering he was a wizard. He aimed his wand down the front of his pants and incanted, "Silencio!"
Harry, Fred, and George all stood there quietly, waiting to see if Harry's penis was going to be able to break the silencing charm.
Harry sighed and let out a nervous breath.
"Just because I spit like one doesn't mean I have a mouth."
"Shush!" Harry ordered stuffing his hand down his pants. He was pinching his penis tightly closed. "Not so talkative now, are you?"
The voice came back a little deeper and happier than before. "I like it when you're rough."
Harry yanked his hand out of his pants and refused to pay his penis any more attention.
"You want to fight for blood flow, little man? Trust me Harry. You will lose this battle before it ever starts."
Harry took a deep breath, thinking he really didn't want to make an enemy of his penis. He looked up at Fred and George. "How long is this going to last?"
Another non-verbal argument went on between the two Weasley twins before they both nodded in determination, and then sprinted away from Harry as fast as they could.
Harry sighed again and looked down towards his crotch.
"Don't want to chase after them?" the momentarily docile sexual organ asked.
Harry shook his head. "Not really worth it."
"We could pee on them," Harry's penis suggested. "If the well's running dry, I could probably tap a vein and piss blood. It's good for stains."
Harry froze. "I really didn't need to know that."
"Well maybe if you took a little time to get to know me better, you might learn something."
Harry knew he had no way of making his penis shut up and hoped that ignoring it would discourage the thing from talking. He began the trek back towards Gryffindor tower.
"So we need to find us some scrumptious cooch."
Harry said nothing as he continued to walk.
"My entire existence is spent hiding in the darkest, smelliest place around, and that's if you actually remember to wear underwear, let alone change it this week. You really think the silent treatment is going to work on me now that I have a voice for the first time ever? Seriously Harry. It's not a good sign when I'm the smarter of the two of us."
Harry just kept walking. He wasn't sure but he thought he heard his penis sniffing the air.
"Woo-hoo!" the penis cheered. "Three in-season girls are headed this way. Game face, Harry. This is our chance."
Harry didn't reply. He just kept moving. He was beginning to think his penis had been wrong when around the corner came Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott, and Megan Jones. They'd just come from the Prefect's bathroom, as Megan and Hannah's hair was still wet and they all smelled fruity, fresh, and clean.
"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
"Shh!" Harry shushed.
"What?" Hannah said looking at Harry funny.
"I see you managed to stay conveniently dry," Susan commented with a flirty smirk.
Harry looked himself over and realized that all the slimy orange and yellow snot that had clung to everyone else had simply sloughed off him. He remembered Fred and George stayed clean too and figured it was an effect of the lightning. "Yeah," Harry said trying to act cool. "Sorry about that. That was all Fred and George though. Hey, maybe you can get your aunt to arrest them?"
"Don't talk about her aunt, Potter!"
"Shh!" Harry said looking down. He saw all three girls looking at him in confusion and he slowly lifted his head. "Shh," he continued meekly. "I think Peeves might be near."
"Peeves is nowhere near here," Harry's penis piped up again.
"What are you doing?" Harry whispered loudly, begging his penis to see reason.
"What do you think I'm doing?" the penis whined. "I'm trying to succeed where you've failed for the last fifteen years. I'm trying to get us laid."
Harry was alternating between attempting to glare holes into his crotch and acting nonchalant under the scrutiny of the three Hufflepuffs.
"Harry," Susan asked taking a cautious step back. "Is that your-"
"Yeah," Harry interrupted her. "It appears to be."
Hannah looked doubtful but failed to stop her mouth from talking. "Can I see it?"
"Yes!" the penis erupted triumphantly.
"No!" Harry shouted back at the rapidly blushing Hannah Abbott.
"Shit Potter, you gotta lighten up. Trust me, the fact that I can talk is just going to make the line for riding the Nimbus cock thousand even longer. Not that I need to get any longer-"
"Alright, alright," Harry shouted over the others. "Acting crude won't help our cause any."
"I can talk, Harry," the penis explained. "Me and the boys don't need your help anymore."
Harry just stared at the front of his robes aghast.
"So… Susan Bones?" his penis greeted suavely.
Susan was clearly embarrassed as she nodded and replied, "Yep."
"Now is that your name," the penis clarified. "Or the plan for tonight?"
"Oh dear god," Harry grumbled as he covered his face with his hand.
Hannah and Megan were laughing as Susan was unable to properly respond. Megan suggested, "Can't it be both?"
"Yes! Yes!" crowed Harry's penis.
Harry looked at Megan incredulously. "Don't encourage it."
"Fuck you, Harry!" the penis snarled. "Fuck. You."
Harry looked up at the three Hufflepuffs helplessly. He struggled to come up with a proper explanation or apology so he settled on shrugging sheepishly.
"So, Megan Jones," the penis was laying it on thick. "Is that your name or how bad you want to suck-"
"That's it!" Harry interrupted with a shout. "We're going." He started to march past the three partially traumatized girls.
"Damn, you ladies are looking delicious," the penis shouted as he was taken away. "Come see me sometime when Harry is sleeping."
Harry glared at his crotch. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Look, just because you don't want any action-"
"I want action," Harry argued.
"Well then you and I need to be working together. And you need to listen to me more. I can compromise on an awful lot of things, but you gotta hear me when I'm trying to tell you something."
"That… sounds fair," Harry said while trying not to acknowledge the fact that he was basically negotiating a truce with his own penis.
"This is why it's important to realize that having a penis that can talk is going to be a big hook. Girls will want to just stare at me in awe. You think Hermione would turn down the opportunity to research me? A little gentle poking and prodding and that's just my part."
"Okay, listen up," Harry stopped and addressed firmly. "Hermione is our friend. She's one of our best friends. We don't think of her that way."
"Harry? She's boobs and a vagina. And the yummy goodies closest to us the majority of the time. Why you trying to make things complicated? If it's growing in the garden at home, you might as well eat the fruit."
Harry could see his penis was being stubborn. "How about this: you behave properly, speak when addressed, that means no yelling out crude suggestions, and I'll ask Hermione if she sees me as more than a friend. Deal?"
"When," the penis asked wanting specifics.
"This time tomorrow if you've behaved like a well-mannered penis, we'll talk to her." Harry paused and added, "Maybe get her advice."
"Maybe give her a protein shake."
"Ahh!" Harry snapped. "None of that."
"Fine," the penis acquiesced. "We've got a deal. I'll behave around others, but when it's just us, I'm going to talk however the hell I want to. Unless, of course, you want to shut me up with a palmful of essence of murtlap. I'm thinking Fleur Delacour's name just erupted from the goblet of thick creamy love."
Harry grimaced, imagining masturbation. It would feel kind of gay if his penis was cheering him on with running commentary, but he knew he was as excited as he was nauseous at the potential. He finished the rest of the walk back to the portrait of the Fat Lady in awkward silence, trying to pretend he couldn't hear his crotch muttering softly, "Enthrall this, bitch. I'll show you shiny."
Harry gave the password and the door swung open. The noise and shouting in the common room, nearly knocked him back.
Harry hurried in and saw people yelling at each other everywhere.
"Harry!" Ron shouted gleefully. "It's insane. They're all talking." Ron looked down to the front of his pants and thrust his pelvis forward. "Bonjour," came the sub-waistline greeting.
Suddenly, Harry realized a fair amount of the yelling in the room wasn't coming from the visible mouths. It appeared as though every penis in the room had something to say now that it could be heard.
"Fuck it. Deal's off," Harry's penis informed him. It bellowed loudly, "Who wants to suck me?"
"Oh god," Harry groaned.
"Come on ladies!" Harry's penis shouted. "I'm looking to lay a little Boy-Who-Lived pipe here."
Ron looked at Harry, then Harry's crotch, and then back at Harry.
"Any of you lucky ladies want to get your name in a best-selling biography or two?" the shameless penis tried.
"Conceited little bastard, ain't he?" Ron commented with an amused smile.
"Zeez ozzerz," Ron's crotch said with a thick accent. "Zey are zo immature."
Ron grinned and announced, "My dick's French."
"My name is Jacques," Ron's penis clarified.
"Come on, Potter," Harry's penis ordered. "Let's check out the babe buffet and see what looks tasty. Remember we want rare with some pink in the middle, but not too rare."
Harry really didn't want to cart his uncooperative penis around to make crude remarks and invitations. But he wanted to talk to Ron's French dick even less. Harry nodded and told his penis, "You said I should listen to you more often. I'm listening now."
"Now you're learning. Just for that, let's see if we can make us both happy."
Harry was walking past the three chasers on his Quidditch team and knew that while he and his penis both appreciated the girls, they feared them almost as much.
"Not enough Mum, not enough Mum, not enough grass on the field," Harry's penis kept judging. "Not enough Mum,… jackpot."
Ginny Weasley spun around. "Yes? Oh, hello Harry."
"Want to play a game?" the penis asked the youngest Weasley. "I'll be the elbow. You be the butter dish. And we'll burrow something hairy in Ginny."
"Oh, yours talks to?" Ginny calmly stated. "Hmm… I thought you might be different."
Harry figured Ron's little sister would be a blushing, embarrassed mess but it appeared his penis' crudeness was easily ignored. Harry had to turn his head as he heard a melodic bass line coming from the stairs to the boys' dorms.
Dean Thomas was strutting down the steps while his crotch was humming a funky beat. As he reached the landing he paused, and his penis halted its bow-chicka-bow-bow to announce, "Foxy." He started walking again and the beat picked right back up.
"Hi Dean," Ginny said loudly, blushing bashfully.
Dean just nodded at Ginny with a grin.
"So you and Dean, huh?" Harry asked, feeling a little inadequate.
Ginny turned to Harry in surprise. "I'm sorry, Harry. Did you say something?"
Harry was about to reply when Dean's crotch music paused and a deep voice spoke up. "Listen man, you've gotta tape me to a thigh or something. I'm getting a headache bouncing between your knees here."
There was a collective sigh from the females listening in.
"Sounds like you need a massage," Dean suggested to his trouser snake.
"Now that's what I'm talking about," Dean's penis agreed and started back up his funky beat.
Harry's reply to Ginny never materialized as the fourth year girl had already reached Dean's side before Harry got a word out.
"Trust me, Potter," his penis said in attempt to smooth Harry's ego. "You dodged a bullet there."
Harry began thinking about the many varied Weasley brothers. "Yeah, you're probably right."
"Ever hear the phrase hot dog in a hallway?"
"No," Harry said in confusion.
"Oh… well then never mind."
"Harry!" Hermione shouted as she hurried over. "There you are."
"You know, Hermione," Harry's crotch interjected. "I can think of better things for your mouth to do than state the obvious."
Harry felt oddly relieved to see Hermione sputtering in embarrassment. He glared towards the front of his pants. "If you want us to work together, you're going to have to behave and be nice to my friends."
"I can be nice," the penis argued. "Hey Hermy, you want me to brush your teeth? Oral hygiene is something of a hobby of mine."
"For heaven's sake, Harry," Hermione finally managed to bluster out. "Control your… you know."
"I wish I could," Harry explained. "But it won't listen to me."
"Help us settle a bet," Harry's penis prompted Hermione.
"What?" she warily asked.
"Harry doesn't think you can study with a cock tickling the back of your throat. How about you and me prove him wrong?"
Harry sighed loudly while Hermione appeared on the verge of a conniption fit.
He offered, "I can apologize now but we both know it's going to say something worse."
"I know one way you could shut me up," the penis lewdly urged.
"Hey," Harry said as an idea formed. "You want to punch it?"
"What?" Hermione reflexively replied. "Why? No!"
Harry shrugged. "Well I wouldn't care too much right now. He'd probably like it. And I thought it might make you feel better. You can't keep all that bottled up inside or you'll explode."
"You said it, man," the penis heartily agreed.
"I'm not going to punch your penis!" Hermione insisted in a louder voice than intended. She blushed again as people were staring at her. She leaned towards Harry and continued softly, "But I do know shrinking charms and where to find itching powder."
"Feisty," the penis cheered. "I told you this one was a winner, Potter."
Harry was trying to ignore the way Hermione kept looking at his crotch. "Fred and George aren't back yet?"
Hermione shook her head. "They were here, but then Professor McGonagall came storming in, stunned them both and dragged them away. She was in a right mood, and it didn't help matters that Lee Jordan's crotch whistled at her and called her a pissed off pussy. I think she hissed at him."
An excited shriek of delight came from the boys' dorms. "You mean I won't go blind? Awesome!"
Harry saw Hermione was holding back laughter.
"How hard is it to cast a scourgify on Kenny's sock first?" a nearby crotch asked.
The boy standing next to him paled. "What the hell are you doing with my sock?"
Harry winced knowing there wouldn't be a good answer to that question.
Hermione looked at Harry curiously. "You know neither of the twins' you-know-whats were talking. I thought maybe yours wouldn't either."
"I think this one here," Harry said pointing towards his pants, "was supposed to be the only one that could talk. Then again with Fred and George you can't be too sure." He looked around the room and saw there were still several loud arguments. "So what's been going on around here?"
Hermione heard several penises yelling at ex-girlfriends and roommates. "Well… Neville's thing has a pretty pronounced stutter. And its name is Trevor. Neville didn't take that very well. He ran up to your room and hasn't been down since. Most of the younger years were really confused and a number of the girls were crying. The boys were learning some new words and occasionally you'll hear shouting from the boys' bathrooms. You saw Dean and can probably guess Seamus. Ron was trying to talk Lavender into being a 'filthy little Jacques-sucker' and that set off a chain reaction of arguments."
"Stop it!" Seamus shouted exceptionally loudly towards his pants. "Stop saying that!"
Harry looked over at Hermione and saw she was watching Seamus as curiously as he was.
"What? I'm just saying Dean has a great ass," Seamus' penis argued. "You're the one reading into these things."
"I'm not gay," Seamus argued. "I like birds!"
"You're in charge of the eyes that keep checking his ass out," the penis explained.
Harry was laughing at Seamus' frustration and Dean's slightly uncomfortable look.
"I do not," Seamus feebly denied.
"Maybe not as much as you stare at Harry's mouth while he's sleeping, but you do."
Now Harry felt a bit uncomfortable as well.
"Shut up!" Seamus shouted as he punched himself forcefully in the crotch.
"Ahh!" the penis screamed. "Gay basher! Gay basher!"
"If this is gay bashing," Seamus said with another pound between his legs. "Then every time I masturbate, I'll be gay bashing."
Seamus froze as he realized all the other conversations had stopped and everyone was looking at him. He scratched behind his ear. "I don't think that came out right."
"Mate," Ron sympathized and tried to help the young Irishman's pride. "I don't think there is a right way for that to come out."
"Excuse me," the Headmaster said as he walked into the Gryffindor common room with Minerva following right behind him. "I have a few announcements to make. First, I know you'll be delighted to hear that classes will continue as normal while we work to reverse this magical phenomenon. It could be hours, it could be days, magic is a very temperamental mistress.
"But until we do, we ask for your patience and understanding and that you ignore any unwelcome remarks from the peanut gallery." Albus paused and turned to Minerva. "I said peanut, right?"
"Headmaster," Minerva chided.
"Oh yes," Albus said turning back towards the Gryffindors. "Where was I?"
"Fred and George," Harry called out. "Are they still alive?"
Albus nodded happily. "Yes, yes. Misters Weasley are currently undergoing some extensive questioning by gentlemen from the Department of Mysteries. They may be a while, and they may want to talk to you as well, Mr. Potter."
"Especially now that the brains can answer," Harry's penis mumbled.
"Additionally," Albus continued. "For this evening we are enacting curfew to begin right now. Due some of the more persuasive new voices expressing themselves, the boys' dorms will be off limits to girls. And as always, the girls' dorms are off limits to boys. If the situation is not resolved by breakfast, I shall endeavor to update you then. Are there any-"
Albus was rudely interrupted by a loud hacking cough. The mysterious voice was wheezing and groaning out harsh rasping sounds. The weakened scratchy voice begged, "Water?" before descending back into inarticulate coughing.
"Oh my," Albus exclaimed delightfully looking down the front of his robes. "Look who woke up and decided to join in the festivities."
"Water," wheezed the voice coming from Albus' pelvis.
"Headmaster!" Minerva snapped.
Albus looked up having momentarily forgotten he was the center of attention. "Quite right. We should be going." He took only two steps towards the door before his pants were gasping, "Ah… Ah… Ah-choo!"
The initial force of his crotch sneeze left Albus staggering. "Oh dear." He hustled out of the room with Minerva hurrying after him while his bottom half extolled, "Sorry, Albus. I think I'm allergic to something in my beard."
Everyone was just staring in silence towards the door. Harry was trying not to think about the popping sound he'd heard during the sneeze. He turned to Hermione. "You know what? Fuck this. I'm going to bed."
"Hermione, quick," Harry's penis called out desperately. "You got any hand lotion? Conditioner? Natural lubricant in a jar?"
"Good night, Harry," Hermione replied trying to ignore the penis' comments.
Harry woke up and felt like he was floating. It wasn't a smooth, relaxing float but a jerky, unsteady one. He opened his eyes to discover that he had been in fact floating. He hadn't even processed this before he fell crashing down to the stone floor below him.
"Oww!" Harry whined after landing tailbone first. He looked down his body and saw a strange wand poking out the front of his pajamas' fly. "What the fuck?"
"Dammit," the disgruntled voice of his penis swore. "Almost made it to the stairs."
Harry saw his other roommates were still sleeping but the sun was almost up. He asked the first thing on his mind. "Who the hell gave you a wand?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," the penis said as the wand began to slowly aim further back, closer and closer to Harry.
Harry reached down and jerked the wand away just as his pants hurriedly shouted, "Stupefy!"
The weak stunner crashed harmlessly into the wall. Harry inspected but didn't recognize the wand.
He stood up from the floor, brushing the dust off his pajamas. "Don't try to stun me. And where did you get the wand?"
"It was my idea," was the joyful exclamation from Seamus' sleeping body.
"This is Seamus' wand?" Harry asked looking at it curiously.
"No," Harry's penis admitted. "It's Dean's."
Harry said nothing and waited on his penis to explain.
"Normally penises don't work well with each other, I mean we are dicks and all, but Seamus' has been oddly eager to help."
"Don't forget you owe me an Eskimo kiss," Seamus' penis sang.
"Uncouth louts," Ron's penis piped in. "Ze whole lot of you."
Harry bent over to look at his crotch. "This is just giving me more questions and no answers."
Harry's penis tiredly explained, "Seamus' penis is the one that gave me the idea to command Dean's penis to help."
"Huh?" Harry eloquently asked.
"Talking to Dean's penis, he wouldn't want to help me because he sees me as a threat and a rival," Harry's penis explained. "But put a little magic into a proper parseltongue command and…"
"You speak parseltongue?" Harry asked, not wanting to dive into the issue of Dean's penis responding to parseltongue.
"Yup," Harry's penis assured. "And yes, it feels a little gay for a penis to talk to a snake. None of us can go anywhere or move our bodies, but we can move ourselves. Dean's penis just had to reach his wand and toss it to me."
Harry knew he should have been impressed that his penis could cast magic, but the mental of image of Dean's penis throwing the wand was a hard one to shake. He put Dean's wand on Dean's nightstand and suddenly noticed Neville's eyes were wide open. He wasn't moving and his body was curled up in a fetal position but his eyes were staring straight at Harry.
Harry softly asked, "You okay there, Nev?"
Neville's wide eyes blinked. He spoke in a fearful whisper, "I saw everything."
"I saw," Neville paused in his answer, "everything."
"Did you get any sleep?"
Neville's body still hadn't moved. "I don't remember what day it is."
"Thursday," Harry said. He saw the clock by Neville's bed and suggested, "I'm going to take a shower and then you want to get an early breakfast?"
"Okay," Neville whispered into the quiet of morning.
Neville slowly and methodically got up from the bed trying to ignore the chatter coming from the bathroom.
"You're choking me! You're choking me! And I like it."
"Stop taking all the blood. You're making me dizzy."
"Hey, hey. Don't be skimpy with the shampoo. We want extra volume in this yard too. You got anything with pumice?"
"That's it. I'm done washing you."
"Fine. But we're putting on fresh underwear today. That's not up for debate."
"I was planning to already."
"And let's get some boxers for god's sake. I understand why you dislike baggy clothes and all but seriously man: this is one growth we don't want to stunt."
"Really. Tee-hee. That tickles."
"I'm just drying you. Oh stop that. Quit it! There's no way this is turning me… Great. You think just because you're… I'm going to-"
"Feed me, Seymour!"
"This may be one of my dumber ideas."
Neville heard a thump as a body fell to the floor. He was unsure whether he wanted to go into the bathroom and wake Harry up. He watched a tent slowly form in Seamus' pants before the desperate begging from them was audible. "Oh please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up."
Getting out of the room before Seamus woke up to his raging morning wood of a questionable nature became Neville's top priority. He countered the stunning charm on Harry and the pair headed out of the boys' fifth year dorm room.
"So Potions this morning should be a blast," Harry said, earning a whimper from Neville.
They reached the bottom of the stairs just in time to hear a voice in the common room instructing, "Open your mouth and close your eyes and you will get a big surprise."
"Don't do it!" Harry shouted at the scene. "Dennis, get up. Colin, stop messing with your little brother."
Colin immediately dropped the edge of his robes he was holding up and turned to his hero. He said nothing, but his penis exclaimed, "I don't mean to sound gay or nothing, but you're pretty kick-ass."
"Yeah you are!" Dennis' high-pitched little penis agreed.
Neville whimpered and hurried out of the common room, leaving Harry to jog to catch up.
"They're just talking penises, Neville," Harry suggested. "They're not out to get you."
Neville looked at Harry doubtfully.
"Well, there may be some doubts about Seamus' penis, but you get my point."
They reached the door to the Great Hall and walked in.
People were spread out across the tables in very small groups. They were trying to stay the maximum distance away from all the other groups.
Harry and Neville were content to quietly eavesdrop on some of the louder arguments.
Ernie Macmillan and Justin Finch-Fletchley were in the middle of the Hufflepuff table with no one sitting anywhere near them.
A slightly muffled voice from under the Hufflepuff table announced "I spy with my little eye something… brown."
"We're trying to eat," Justin pitifully whined.
"And why does it always have to be brown?" came a second muffled voice from under the table. "Brown, brown, brown. It's like all your little eye sees is brown."
Ernie pushed his breakfast plate away. "I can't eat this."
Ernie's lap reminded, "I spied something yellow that one time."
"Shut up, Bert," Justin grumbled.
Harry turned to look at Neville. "Ernie's penis is named Bert?"
"That's nothing," Parvati Patil jumped in as she sat down next to Harry. "I heard Fred and George ran into Filch, grumbling about having to clean up in here. Anyway, they said that Filch's penis-"
"Oh god," Neville was fearfully mumbling.
Harry looked at the sausage speared on his fork and set it back down on his plate.
Parvati leaned closer to whisper, "They said that Filch's penis… is named Chuck. Or as he prefers, Mister Norris."
Harry took a moment to digest that nugget of information. He looked and saw Neville was in the same state as him. "I'm speechless."
"Well, I'm not!" Harry's crotch cheerfully exclaimed. "Listen, Parvati?"
"Yeah?" Parvati carefully answered.
"I seem to have misplaced my Herbology homework," Harry's penis said. "You mind if I make sure it's not in your uterus?"
Parvati sighed and picked up her breakfast to move away from Harry.
"Need some help in Care of Magical Creatures?" Harry's penis offered the rapidly retreating brunette. "I can do a spot-on impression of a blast-ended skrewt."
"Just stop," Harry pleaded with his penis.
"I promise not in the face!"
Harry shook his head and looked at Neville helplessly.
Neville was shrugging in response when his penis spoke up. "Ca- ca- can you teach me t- t- to be cool? Like you?"
Harry just looked at Neville curiously while his penis replied. "It's all about confidence, my flaccid friend. Just remember, you're a dick. And the wizarding world is full of nothing but pussies and assholes."
"I'm a di- dick," Neville's penis said, attempting to project confidence.
"And you know what we do with those pussies and assholes?" Harry's penis explained. "We fuck 'em, Trevor. We fuck 'em all."
"Turtles everybody," Terry Boot's crotch yelled from the main door. "Back to your shells!"
There was a wave of grunts and staggered steps, as all the men felt their soldiers retreat and seek refuge deep in the mountainside.
"Hem, hem," Delores Umbridge appeared and walked up to the head table.
"I think they're scared," Harry said bending over in discomfort. "I'm heading to Potions. I'm bound to lose enough points as it is, without risking being late."
Neville and Ron both got up and followed Harry towards the dungeons.
Harry spotted the Headmaster and made a quick detour in his direction. "Headmaster!"
"Mr. Potter?" Albus stopped and greeted.
"Yeah," Harry said. "Do you know if those guys from the Department of Mysteries need to talk to me? Because I have Potions in a few minutes and it would be a real shame if I had to leave in the middle of class."
"Nice try," Albus said with a grin. "But the two men left this morning to test a few things in a controlled environment. They informed me that your letter was more than sufficient in answering their questions."
"My letter?" Harry asked curiously.
Albus tilted his head down to observe Harry. "Did you not write them a letter?"
"Yes," Harry's crotch jumped in. "We wrote them a letter."
"Oh we did?" Albus said glancing towards Harry's package.
"When did we?" Harry asked looking down.
"Last night," Harry's penis replied. "What can I say? I'm a teenager's penis. I don't need sleep. Although to be fair, no penises need sleep until they get married."
"Frankly, I'm surprised the velvet prune in your pants is staying as quiet as it is," Harry's penis curiously noted.
Albus nodded and waved his wand over his waist. "It's actually a modified shield of air."
A wizened voice proclaimed, "The Golden Unicorn rides again!"
Albus hurriedly recast the spell silencing his penis. "I do not believe any students could manage the spell, so let's just keep this to ourselves."
Harry nodded, "It's the least I can do for the man getting me out of Potions."
"Go to class, Mr. Potter," Albus chuckled as he turned to walk away.
Harry turned around and saw Neville looked fine but Ron was extremely pale.
"What is it?" Harry asked Ron curiously.
Ron gulped. "I've heard… stories of the Golden Unicorn."
"Oh for god's sake, Ron," Harry chastised and resumed the walk to Potions. "Let's just get to class."
Their path was partially blocked by a blonde girl running away from Michael Corner as he chased after her. His crotch was shouting, "I said I tasted like strawberries. Not necessarily fresh strawberries. It's an acquired taste!"
The three Gryffindors hugged against wall to let the pair past them.
"Oh lovely," Harry said in realization. "I just caught on to the fact that we're going to be in class with Malfoy and his shriveled flobberworm."
"You haven't heard?" Ron asked in glee. "Malfoy's been silent! Not a word, not a pip, not a squeak! My money's on dickless, but some people are betting it's there, it's just dead."
Harry stopped walking and turned to both of his roommates with a smile. "Today could be a good day, couldn't it?"
"Oui," Ron's penis agreed.
"Who knows?" Harry's penis said. "Maybe Draco will try really hard to make his penis talk and end up pissing himself."
"Or herself," Neville's penis added. Its voice was trailing off still a little shy. "If you know,… giant clit… and all."
Neville eeped while Harry and Ron both smiled. "Sorry. He's so quiet I sometimes forget he's there."
"Any other penises or lack there of I should be warned about?" Harry asked as they resumed walking.
Ron shrugged. "Crabbe and Goyle's were kind of a surprise."
Harry frowned. "Please tell me they weren't discussing advanced magical theory."
"No, no," Ron said. "Nothing like that. They were cracking jokes and laughing a lot though. Seemed like alright blokes to me."
"You do realize you're talking about Crabbe and Goyle's penises," Harry reminded.
Hermione had been rushing to catch up with the boys when she caught the last snippet of their conversation. She felt this was one of those moments to just drift back and keep her distance.
They walked into the Potions dungeon and got set up at their cauldrons.
The rest of the class walked in just as Snape slammed the classroom door shut. He swooped to the front of the room and stopped behind his desk.
He opened his mouth to shout out instructions but froze in place before a word escaped his lips.
Snape was leaning on the front table, his mouth gaping open, while his eyes reflected pain.
"Hey Draco," a loud obnoxious voice from Crabbe's pants shouted. "I think the Professor's doing an impression of your penis."
Muffled laughter sprung up everywhere, the loudest coming from Crabbe and Goyle's pants.
Harry was amused to find out that Crabbe and Goyle's penises seemed to revel in the spotlight.
"Hey Statler," Goyle's penis shouted.
"Yes Waldorf?" Crabbe's crotch replied.
"How many mudbloods does it take to change a light bulb?"
Crabbe and Goyle both looked confused as Crabbe's pants said, "I don't know. How many?"
"Who cares? It's muggle filth," Goyle's penis cackled out happily.
"Ah-hahaha," Crabbe's penis laughed right in sync with the other. "My turn, my turn. Hey Waldorf?"
"Why did the muggle cross the road?"
"I don't know. Why?"
"Because the scum can't apparate! Ah-hahaha!" Crabbe's penis was quickly joined in laughter by Goyle's crotch.
"I got another one, I got another one," Crabbe's penis eagerly exclaimed. "Hey Waldorf?"
"What do you call a wizard who's crap with a wand?"
"I don't know. What?"
"A Potions Master," it shouted victoriously as they both descended back into excited cackling.
Professor Snape finally slipped from his frozen spot and fell to the floor curling into a ball. "Oh god. Not again."
"Everyone's a critic," Crabbe's penis, Statler, defended.
An anguished, weak voice came from where Severus was cupping himself. "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel."
"Is that blood?" Hermione noticed the growing stain on the front of Professor Snape's robes.
"I focus on the pain," Snape's penis agonizingly continued. "The only thing that's real."
"Draco," Snape wheezed. "My salve."
"Yourself?" Draco asked curiously.
"My salve!" Snape harshly repeated.
"Oh my god," Hermione gasped as Snape moved his hand showing his fingers liberally coated in blood. "It's a cutter."
"Remember down the lane, not across the street," Goyle's penis, Waldorf, shouted. Crabbe's hurriedly added, "I think you mean down the vein," as they both laughed uproariously.
Draco returned from the Professor's office with a jar of thick purple muck.
"That's it," Snape said, as he rolled over to face the class. "Dismissed. Get out of here. Now!"
Harry knew instantly he had a memory that could power a patronus when he saw the look on Draco's face as Snape added, "Not you, Draco. You stay."
Harry grabbed his books and joined the hysterically laughing masses rushing away from the greatest Potions class ever.
"Did what I think just happen really just happen?" Ron asked in between his chuckling.
"What's a cutter?" Neville asked innocently. Hermione leaned over to whisper the explanation in Neville's ear.
Harry watched Neville's face shift from confusion to complete and total horror. Harry and Ron just laughed harder.
An owl came swooping down the hallway and landed on Harry's shoulder, holding out its leg.
Harry removed the letter from the unmarked envelope and made an annoyed sound when he saw who it was addressed to.
Agent Biggerstaff and handler,
We'll be in touch.
Harry bent forward to stare at his crotch. "You wrote this letter, didn't you?"
"Mommy," the penis mocked. "You shouldn't fight with Daddy in front of the kids."
"And I'm not your handler!" Harry snapped, glancing at the letter once more. "You're a dick. Deal with it."
"What'd it say?" Hermione asked after her attempts to grab the letter failed.
Harry stuffed it in the bottom of his pocket. "Just that my penis is suffering from delusions of grandeur."
"I wouldn't say suffering," his penis corrected. "I'm enjoying every minute of it. Speaking of enjoying-"
"No," Hermione answered preemptively.
"You don't even know what I was going to say," Harry's penis argued.
"Doesn't matter," Hermione said, picking up her pace to leave Harry and his proposition happy penis behind.
Ron shrugged as the gap between the boys and Hermione widened. "I think all the girls are jealous. Penis envy, they call it."
"I don't think this is quite what they were talking about," Harry argued.
"No, Ron's right," Neville said. "I mean witches are forced to prove their equality to wizards all the time. But if women were just as smart as men before, then now they're a whole brain behind. It's penis envy."
"Two heads are better than one," Ron agreed. "Error go, person with penis is better than person without."
"Mon dieu," Ron's crotch bemoaned.
"I think you mean ergo," Neville helpfully supplied.
"And I wouldn't be so quick to discount the power of a vagina," Harry's penis defended. "I'm not saying they're better, but they might be as good as a penis."
"Really?" Ron asked.
"Really," all three nearby penises assured them.
"I know I greatly prefer the company of vaginas to penises," Harry's penis added.
"Huh," Ron said considering this new information.
Harry's penis continued, "And I love getting the production house licked as much as the next penis, but I'd give boobs the edge over nards any day."
Harry, Ron, and Neville were all nodding in agreement.
Ron's penis jumped into the conversation. "And all of uz pale in comparizzon to ze power of ze anuzz."
The three boys were hesitant to offer their support.
Ron's penis belatedly amended, "Perhaps zeez iz a Français thing."
"Let's go with that for now," Harry's penis replied, assuming the leadership position.
"Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall shouted when she spotted him. "Mr. Potter, please."
"Alright Minnie," Harry's penis answered. "But just this once. And I get out of homework this week."
"What?" Harry shouted before he could stop himself. "Are you crazy?" It only took one fearful whimper from Neville before Harry realized this was not the way to act in front of his Head of House.
Harry gently tapped the front of his pants and begged, "Let's pretend he's not there. What can I do for you, Professor?"
Minerva decided reaching an end to this nightmare was more important than lecturing a wayward penis. "The Headmaster has received notification that you may be able to put the finishing touches on the errant spell. Follow me, Mr. Potter."
Harry turned to Ron and Neville for support but saw both of them had already escaped out of sight. He silently walked behind his Professor, desperately hoping his penis wasn't going to get him into any further trouble.
He thought he was in the clear until he heard a very soft taunting call. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty."
Minerva stopped suddenly and turned to glare at Harry. She stared him down daring him to say something. She nodded pleased, turned back around, and took a step forward.
"Meow," Harry's crotch loudly crowed.
She stopped and pointed towards the Great Hall. "Go, Mr. Potter."
"Yes, Professor," Harry gratefully acknowledged and hurried away. But not fast enough as his penis shouted, "We should party some time. I can bring catnip brownies. You can play with my balls… of string!"
Harry knew he was going to be in even more trouble but couldn't stop himself from laughing. He finally made it to the Great Hall and saw a few scattered people having either late breakfasts or early lunches. The Headmaster was standing by the Gryffindor table, next to Fred and George Weasley.
"So you figured out how to reverse it?" Harry asked as he approached the group.
"Better," Albus replied. "We have managed to isolate the unintentional effects so that you may finish the spell as planned."
Harry looked at Fred and George. "Did you guys follow that?"
Fred shrugged. "We still don't know why it didn't work right the first time, but the spell was intended to be temporary."
"I'm confident it will work," Albus supplied. "We've analyzed what happened the first time. To be on the safe side, everyone will need to be present and sitting in the same locations."
"That'll be a pain," Harry said looking around the relatively empty Hall.
Albus shook his head. "All classes are going to let out twenty minutes before noon so that those present for the first incident can find their previous seats. We've reviewed the incident in a pensieve numerous times and from numerous angles."
Harry looked at his watch. "Do you need to teach me how to finish this spell?"
"You used the magic words to initiate it," Albus said with a smile. "And I believe you know the magic words that will end it."
"That's it?" Harry asked in disbelief.
"That's all you have to do," George added. "We'll be doing most of the work."
"How much trouble are you guys in anyway?"
"A couple weeks detention with Hagrid," Fred said.
George clarified, "But we needed to go digging in the Forest anyway."
Albus was tapping his chin in thought when his crotch let out a loud phlegm-filled cough. A raspy, old voice apologized. "I'm sorry, Albus. Looks like my eye twinkled again and broke another shield."
"Hmm," Albus commented doubting his penis' sincerity. He recast his air shield. "I see people arriving and looking confused. I shall explain the situation while you three ready yourselves."
Harry relaxed while Fred and George rehearsed their parts. More and more students arrived, moving around to find their places. Everybody kept watching Harry, but he was quite used to that. He heard a number of half-hearted propositions and pleadings from penises that didn't want to be silenced.
Harry was even beginning to think he might miss his sexual organ's crude but not unwise insight on occasion. The Headmaster was standing at his place at the Head table, instructing everyone on what to do.
All eyes were on Fred and George as they sat down on both sides of Harry. Their silent, synchronous triggers caused the charmed ceiling to darken again. Storm clouds were swirling and the lightning began to flash.
The twins turned and nodded to Harry.
Harry took a deep breath and announced, "Mischief managed."
Thunder was rumbling, but the neon green lightning dancing across the ceiling wasn't going anywhere.
"Say it again," Fred urged with a frown on his face.
"Mischief managed," Harry shouted loud enough to carry across the entire hall.
George shook his head, trying to ignore the huffs of irritation surrounding them.
Harry pulled out his wand and held it tightly in his hand as he incanted, "Mischief managed!"
Winds were blowing people's hair around, but still the lightning was tracking across the ceiling, aimlessly.
"Why isn't it working?" Harry asked over the howling winds.
"Because you're not supposed to finish it—I am," Harry's penis shouted from under the table. "Lean back."
Harry glanced at Fred and George who both just shrugged.
"And give me the wand," Harry's penis ordered.
"No," Harry whined.
"Give him the wand," The Headmaster shouted from the Head table. Harry idly noticed Professor Snape had his eyes clenched shut in pain and fought off a chuckle.
"Let me finish this," Harry's penis insisted.
Harry scooted back in his seat and unzipped his fly. He wiggled the wand in through the pants' opening, blushing at everyone staring at him.
"Hey!" Harry shouted, pushing the wand tip away. "Watch where you point that thing."
"Relax Harry," his penis assured him a little too confidently. "I'm a professional."
With Harry leaning back in his seat, his wand was sticking out the front of his pants, perfectly perpendicular to the ground. His penis shouted, "Mischief managed!"
The first time had been like a whip crack in comparison to the deafening boom that exploded this time. The lightning streaked from all corners of the ceiling into a jagged funnel encompassing Harry and both Weasley twins.
Harry yelped and grunted as the force knocked him out of his seat and onto the harsh stone floor in between the Gryffindors and the Hufflepuffs. Fred and George fell back with Harry, holding him in place on both sides, while sparks bubbled up and dribbled out the tip of the wand protruding from Harry's pants.
Fred and George nodded at each other and both let go of Harry at the same moment, breaking the connection with the neon green lightning.
The lightning did not race back up to the ceiling as it did the first time though. Instead, it was dancing all across Harry's body, leaving small trails of magic as it arced, weaving back and forth.
Harry was twitching and spasming on the ground. "What the hell," was as far as Harry got before the wand in his pants exploded in a blinding shower of white, moist magic.
"Oh god," Harry grumbled as massive globs of flowing magic spurted from the wand tip coating the ceiling, the walls, and everyone anywhere nearby. The creamy mucous substance was raining down once again, covering the panicking and squealing students.
"This is so wrong," Harry pleaded as the constant flow of syrupy magic poured out of him, splashing and splattering in all directions.
George crawled his way through the muck to Harry's side. He grabbed a hold of Harry's still spewing wand, and wrenched it free of Harry's pants. "I think that's enough."
Harry screeched at the sudden disconnect but lay there panting in exhaustion.
Several students had already made it out the door, though there was much less haste and fear as they all got up to leave.
All around the room, young men could be heard begging their penises to speak up and getting no response.
Harry carefully sat up and saw almost everyone was covered in the white sticky mess.
Draco was slipping left and right across the floor, shouting, "My father is going to hear about this!"
"Your father is going wank to thoughts of this," came the sarcastic reply.
"Who said that?" Draco snapped spinning towards the other Slytherins.
Everyone was looking towards Daphne Greengrass. She'd wiped the white creamy mess off her face and looked as surprised as the others. "It wasn't me."
"Of course not," the sarcastic voice agreed. "You don't open that mouth even half as much you do these legs."
Daphne paled so quickly she looked like a chameleon adapting to the glop clinging to her hair. She whipped her head down to look towards her crotch. "Oh bugger."
Slowly, all across the room, vaginas began to speak up for the first time.
"Don't look so surprised," Padma's vagina snidely remarked. "You think you need a head to talk? No, what you need is lips."
"Fuck lips. I got teeth," Hermione's lower half piped up. She quickly clamped both hands over the front of her skirt. "No you don't. I don't! It doesn't have teeth. I swear."
"Brr," Cho's bump chimed in. "Why's it always so co- co- cold?"
"Pass the cucumbers."
A very scary first year girl hid her face after her pelvis announced, "I wonder if this is what bukkake feels like."
"Can I just say, if you're going to keep shaving me to look like a lightning bolt, you really should moisturize after a shave."
After hearing that, Harry made a mental note to get to know Lisa Turpin better.
"Jesus fuck this instant relief ointment takes forever," Ginny's ginny complained.
A horrible keening sound rattled like a death knell and a tortured voice emerged from the High Inquisitor's nether regions. "Quaid… start the reactor."
"What?" Delores Umbridge screeched. "What are you talking about? Be quiet!"
A second year Ravenclaw boy was nearly in tears. "I'm so confused."
He made the mistake of saying that while seated next to Luna Lovegood.
Luna's vagina sounded remarkably like Hermione. "Haven't you read Vaginas, a History? Everyone knows that while vaginas exhibit pack behavior, it's only for as long as it suits the vagina's purpose. They are only truly loyal to themselves."
Marietta Edgecombe was two seats down. "Bitch, don't tell him our secrets."
"Who you calling bitch, bitch?"
"I know that whore didn't just-"
"Who you calling whore, slut?"
The scene just got uglier as cruel and unfair names were thrown in all directions, until that one moment where one voice just screamed and shrieked louder than everyone else. And they all stopped to listen.
"Oh god! My mouth is full of blood. Oh god. Oh… wait. That's normal." The Hufflepuff girl looked very close to fainting.
The vagina across from her groaned in sympathy. "Normal? This is day four. Normal would be clotting."
The second year Ravenclaw boy was now fully in tears. "I'm so confused."
"Fred Weasley! George Weasley!" Professor McGonagall shouted. "Harry Potter!"
Fred helped Harry to his feet and George returned his wand. "Time to go."
Harry nodded as all three of them slid through the wet sloppy magical discharge and out of the Great Hall.
"Did you know that was going to happen?" Harry asked, as soon as they were out of sight and took a moment to catch their breath.
Fred and George were both shaking their heads. "No idea. I can guess at what did happen, but I never would've expected that response."
George was frowning at yet another unexplainable reaction from magic with Harry. He communicated nonverbally to his twin and said, "We're going to hide out for a few days. You might want to as well."
"I've got the map," Harry told them. "I'll find you guys later."
Fred and George nodded and sprinted away to their secret laboratory.
Harry double-checked that no one was around and there were no portraits in the area. He tipped his head down, pulled his pants away from his body, and glared at his penis silently.
He stood there a minute before demanding, "Did you know that was going to happen?"
He continued staring and waited for a response. After several minutes of silence, Harry exhaled in relief and headed for the Room of Requirement.
He'd taken only two steps before hearing, "Agent Biggerstaff knows all."
Harry sighed. "Great. Not only is my penis still talking, but it's talking in the third person."
"Come on," Harry's penis ordered. "Let's go see if we can get the room to conjure up a few listening devices in the girls' showers. I guarantee you can learn a lot from a vagina."
Harry didn't even resist. He had finally accepted that sometimes it's best to just let his penis do the thinking for him.
Author's Note: And a tip of the cap to jaed621 whose Bones fanfiction "Talking Head" showed me the vast potential of a talking, horny, uncooperative penis.