WARNING: Major spoilers for the end of the series!! Volume 12 and Episode 37 (though this is mainly based around the anime version of the climax). MAJOR, people... Though I'm sure that a lot of people know what happens, even if they haven't finished the series.
I can't help it- I take pity on Light. he's one of my favorite characters and I cried HYSTERICALLY at the end of the last episode. While he isn't the most moral character in the show, I think he's the most tragic.
Perhaps I give him more credit than he deserves... Whatever the case, I adore Light, and I have my own little theories as to what was running through hs mind during the final episode. And here they are, written for the world to see.
I'll stop blathering now. Thank you SO MUCH for reading this! Please review, and again, than you!
Dedicated to all those who cried uncontrollably during Episode 37.
Thin clouds cleared from a blood-red sky. The sun began its daily retreat, setting from the glowing dusk that swiftly approached. Twilight would soon be at hand.
Basking in the embers of dying sunlight stood a wharf- empty, cold, and abandoned. Lonely fans whirled by slowly, humming a song of old as they kept working for no one to see. The salty sea smacked down upon the worn docks with each powerful, thrusting wave. The smell of the brine hung heavily in the air, thick within the dusky sky.
Light Yagami ran along a chain-link fence that surrounded the wharf, trying his best to get away from the warehouses that littered it. Trying to escape the truth that he had just made so painfully evident.
His usually silky auburn hair was matted with fresh blood, clinging to his face and mixing with the sweat that broke out on his forehead as he ran. The once formally pressed suit that he wore was torn, laced with numerous bullet holes that released flowing streams of fresh, thick blood. His right arm hung limp beside him, broken and damaged, red metallic liquid dripping down to his fingertips and splattering onto the dirty sidewalk as he ran. The auburn-haired man had his other arm crossed over his chest, holding onto his now useless limb in an attempt to not damage it any further. Light ran, huffing and puffing, gasping, wheezing for any sliver of breath that he could get. With each inhale, he winced, as though his crushed lungs were screaming in agony.
They had shot him. No, correction, Matsuda had shot him. Matsuda, the worthless, weak, and blubbering imbecile. He had been gunned down by Matsuda.
And Light was exposed, forced to run like a dog through dirty streets of a wharf, running from the men who would surely kill or imprison him for revealing the truth- that he, was in fact, Kira. That he had been the one to kill thousands of criminals, Mello, Kiyomi Takada, Raye Penber, Naomi Misora, and even the world's greatest detective, L.
He had been caught- it was really as simple as that. He had been cornered by the Task Force and by the SPK- even Mikami's own stupid blunders cost him his security. And he had confessed to it, in a fit of hysterical laughter, crazed and demented as though he wasn't going to back down.
"I am Kira."
But where was his arrogant pride now?
Light staggered a bit, his legs nearly buckling in the attempt of carrying his dead weight. With a gasp for breath, the auburn-haired man managed to pull himself up to a straight standing position. His torn muscles, imbedded with bullets, seemed to shriek in agony, struggling to keep with the immense pain.
Kira… his pride… his own life…
They were all gone.
Kira had been defeated. That much he was absolutely sure of. His dream of a perfect world was crushed. Light's plans, his doings and his good deeds… they were all in vain.
There was no more Kira- only a bitter memory that stained the minds of the innocent.
He couldn't do it.
In the end, Light just couldn't make his dreams a reality. No matter how many boosts he gave his own ego, no matter how many ingenious schemes he plotted, no matter how many people that he eliminated that were in his way… he just couldn't win.
Who was he kidding? He wasn't a 'god' in any sense of the word. He had thought so highly of himself; he'd felt so sure of himself and knew that he was the only one who could make a better world. He was the only one with the skill to orchestrate a perfect world and be its god.
But in the end, he was nothing more than an idealist with a sense of justice that others wrote off as 'bloodthirsty'.
All of his confidence- his high self-esteem that occasionally bordered on narcissism- had been shattered.
With the bullets and blood came the defeat of Kira. With Kira gone, Light's arrogant pride had diminished. Without his pride, without his title, without Kira and his sense of justice …he had nothing to hold onto. Nothing to keep him from faltering into the black abyss of death that surely waited for him.
Oh God, it was really all over, wasn't it?
Though the auburn-haired man would never admit it aloud, he had always harbored a secret fear of death- what waited beyond it and what he would face beyond the shadowy veil. Death wasn't a release- it was a punishment.
He was going to die soon. And it was all because of Kira.
It was all because of his warped ideals that struck him when he found the Death Note. If he hadn't picked it up that day six years ago, he wouldn't even be in this mess.
And for the first time in his twenty-three years of life, as he struggled to run from the wharf, his dead limbs pushing as hard as they could under a blood-red dusk, Light felt regret for everything that he did.
If he hadn't decided to pick up the notebook, if he hadn't let curiosity get the better of him by deciding to test it out, if he hadn't aimed so high with his 'perfect world', if he hadn't deceived so many blameless people….
L, the detective, who had forged a kind of friendship with Light; the people that had all stood in his way: Naomi Misora, her husband Raye Penber, Kiyomi Takada, …even his own father.
If he hadn't picked up the notebook, they would all be alive. He was the one who set them up for their deaths- there was no one else to blame.
It was really then when Light realized the huge mistake that he had made. He finally seemed to realize the lives that he had destroyed, the people that he had hurt and endangered and killed. He realized just then that his huge mistake was simply a starting domino- one that took down everything in its path, wreaking death and destruction.
He was destroyed. He had destroyed himself. His wrecked body and unstable mind- he was completely ruined.
This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to go this far. He was supposed to make a better world, not destroy the one that he lived in. He had always had good intentions- he was innocent when it all started out.
And now, he was reduced to nothing more that a serial killer- murderous and bloodthirsty.
Near was right all along. As had been L.
But he was Light Yagami- he was innocent: a straight-A student when he was in school. He had always kept a level head. People loved and respected him- he was feared by no one. Absolutely no one. He had a happy and bright future ahead of him, one where he could live a happy, relaxing life. He was supposed to enjoy his life.
But that future… it was no more. It had been swept away with the stroke of a pen. He was damaged and soiled, gunned down by the people that had always loved and admired him. He wasn't respected. He was now instead feared- one of the most hated and horrific men on the face of the Earth.
God, why did it all end up like this?
His overwhelmed heart raced dangerously as he pushed his legs even farther, aimlessly running along that same chain-link fence under the red, setting sun. His breathing was even more painful and even more difficult now. His ruined lungs seemed to be on the verge of giving up as he tried his best to keep himself alive. He panted, high-pitched wheezes slipping from his burning throat as he ran.
Flashbacks flooded his mind as he pressed on, running blindly away from the wharf. Memories haunted him- memories of who he used to be.
Memories of when he would walk home in his school uniform, bright-eyed as he looked forward to relaxing at home for the weekend, not that he would ever let relaxation interfere with schoolwork. Memories of being disgusted with the world and the bad people that inhabited it. Memories of when he was a good person- innocent and pure.
And as he ran, Light sworn that he could see someone in the distance, looking down at something that he held in his hands, walking towards him.
Clutching his useless arm, the auburn-haired man pushed himself, each breath becoming more and more difficult to catch than the last. He didn't remove his eyes from the figure that approached him; something sorrowful within his pounding heart told him that it was familiar- that he needed to see it.
Within moments, Light could make it out- he could see the figure that approached him. His chestnut eyes widened, a shaky gasp emitting with an intake of his short breath.
It was him- a seventeen-year-old Light Yagami with his head bent down, looking over a notebook that he had recently acquired. He held the Death Note in his hands. His large brown eyes sparkled with a mix of youth and innocence as he curiously examined the notebook. His school uniform was neatly pressed; a black messenger bag was slung over his shoulder as he walked, taking no notice of the wounded man staring at him.
The real Light Yagami watched on, his wide eyes threatening to spill tears. He never cried. Ever. But he couldn't hold back the choked sob that had nearly burst from his throat as he realized just how beautiful he had been.
Not beautiful in the narcissistic way- beautiful in his doe-eyed innocence, bright future, good disposition, and excellent character.
He had been so beautiful- wonderful and pure. He was a good person. He used to be a good person, and everyone knew him as such.
And look at what he had turned into now.
He was reduced to running like a dog from the people who wanted him dead- wanted him to die like the criminals and innocent people that he had mercilessly killed. Broken and bleeding as he ran for his life- or, rather, what short time in his life that he had left.
This wasn't supposed to happen- he wasn't supposed to let things get this out of hand.
But that was just it, wasn't it? Things had gotten dangerously, ruinously, out of hand.
With yet another choked sob, he passed the memory in front of him, unable to meet the phantom's innocent eyes. He turned away in an attempt to distance himself from the painful memory that had come back to haunt him. Spotting an old warehouse in close range, he ran to the entrance, his wounded chest heaving with the straining effort of breathing. He didn't care where the warehouse would bring him- just as long as he was able to get away from the physical manifestation of his painful memory.
Opening the door with his good arm, Light raced inside, his shoes clambering on the cold, metal floor. Breathing was excruciatingly painful now; his scarred lungs had seemed to collapse with his chest as he reached the bottom of a large stairwell.
He began climbing, hoping for some unbeknownst reason to reach the top of the stairs, uncaring of where the floor would take him. His lungs were on fire, overworked and burning, as though every muscle, organ, and tissue in his body was being brutally ripped apart with each step he took. The immense pain made Light whimper; he grit his teeth together in attempt to block out the agony.
But it was all of no use. He knew that much. He was going to die here. Something within the confines of Light's intricate mind told him- he was going to end up dying here. Cold. Miserable. Broken. Alone.
All because of one thing… all because of one notebook, Light's life was ruined- destroyed for the world to see.
Light collapsed onto the stairwell, his shattered limbs unable to take him any further. Another choked, painful sob echoed throughout the empty warehouse, resounding coldly off of the thin metal walls.
The auburn-haired man regretted it. He regretted having ever picked up the Death Note in the first place. Everything in the last six years, all that he had done, all whom he had hurt, and all whom he had killed…. He felt remorse.
But there was nothing that he could do about it now.
God, was he really that deluded? The seventeen-year-old student, the one that Light used to be, had never considered murder- not even jokingly. But when he picked up the Death Note, he had become Kira. And he was pulled into a black pool of lies and murder, unable to recognize it as such until the murky waters ebbed over his head, drowning him without mercy.
And even then, all he could do was trick himself into thinking that what he was doing was right. And like a fool, he began to believe the lies that he told himself.
With another whimper of pain, he came face to face with cold, harsh, and biting reality. Kira wasn't what the world needed. Kira was a killer, and no one in the world besides his demented followers would ever think otherwise.
And what was worse was the bitter realization that he came to face- he could have helped the world if he had followed his original plan. If he had gone through college, as planned, he could have risen to be one of Japan's top police officers. He could have asserted justice that way… and instead he distorted it so that it was morbid and sick.
Light had given up his bright and promising future, his good morals, all of himself… for this.
He had lost sight of his former self in vain. He'd strayed from the path of all that was right, clean, pure, and good for nothing.
He'd become a monster, just to die alone in a cold warehouse, with no one around to see or care.
It wasn't supposed to be like this! He was a good person! His life was supposed to be long, happy, and successful- not short, miserable, and laced with fear of a rapidly approaching death.
God… god, why did it have to end like this?!
He struggled for another breath, unable to let the salty tears in his eyes fall free to cleanse his face. His red blood had started to dry, auburn hair clinging to his face and leaving it stained. His lungs were crushed- constricted from nearly all air that pushed desperately into the murderer's body.
This hadn't ever been planned for. Light had never planned on his own death, not even in the most dire of situations that he found himself tangled in.
But what good had his other plans done him before? All they had served to do was set him up for misery, fear, death, …a fall from grace.
A loss of his precious innocence.
But what could he do about it now? Welcome his death with open and accepting arms? Was that supposed to be expected of him?
Regret and remorse coursed through the man's vein, washing him in a black and salty wave of unbearable guilt. If only, if only…. All of the 'if only's swept through his tired and overworked mind, sending him into a fit of shame.
But he couldn't very well do anything about it now. He knew that there was no way that he could ever possibly repent for all of the evil things, the acts and sins that he had committed.
And Light wasn't sure if it was the thought of death that caused it, or merely a sort of epiphany of the 'true morality' that had been lost to him for so long. Either way, he felt that, for the first time in six long, consuming years, he could finally see and think clearly, without the thick veil that he had hidden himself behind.
He was wrong, terribly, horribly wrong in ever having picked up the Death Note. He had made a mistake- one whose consequences would be paid in bloodshed. And that's where he had ended up- broken and bleeding, struggling to breathe in a dark, shimmering pool of his own blood.
He wasn't god-like… not in the slightest.
For the first time in six years, Light had regained sight of who he really was- before Kira, before L, before the Death Note. Clarity cut through to him, piercing his barrier of ignorance and bringing with it a fresh bout of excruciating pain as it blinded him with a pure white light.
Light regretted it. He regretted everything.
His tired heart suddenly gave a violent thrust, his pulse quickening its pace drastically, as though it were going to explode inside of his crushed chest.
This was it- this was the end.
He was going to die in the same way that he had sentenced so many other souls to depart from the world. Death by heart attack.
With what he knew would be his final breaths, Light uttered a string of apologies to all those that he had wronged. His voice was hoarse; his throat burned with a raging fire as he struggled to get the words out.
Misa- whom he had strung along the entire time. His Father- whose death Light had caused. Mello, Takada, Mikami, Penber, Misora- all of whose lives were carelessly discarded by him. L- one of the only friends that he had ever had; the one who he had killed in cold blood.
But through all of his prayers and apologies, the auburn-haired man knew that he would be shown no mercy. He had no right to be forgiven. He knew that- he didn't deserve it.
Oh god… this was it. This is what he had set himself up for. Death had finally some for him.
Had he the tears to weep, Light would have shed them freely. But his systems had started to shut down. It was strange: he was numb, yet his whole body and psyche underwent excruciating pain. His heart pounded wildly, threatening to burst out of his breast. But slowly, his legs, arms, fingers… they all started to lose feeling. Inch by inch, the former Kira felt himself dying.
He was too young to die! He had a bright future- he had so many chances and so many chances and so many opportunities ahead of him. He couldn't go out like this! This wasn't what was supposed to happen! He was still Light Yagami- he was still innocent! This wasn't supposed to happen!
Light tried to take a gulping breath, only to find that his lungs had almost shut down. This was it…. He was dying.
And god, he was terrified. He wasn't supposed to let it come to this.
And yet, here he was, watching his life and innocence slip away from him- a phantom that he couldn't reach and hold onto.
His vision darkened as he began to fade from the world. The world that he had tried so desperately to 'save'.
His heart pumped erratically- blood vessels burst from the immense pressure.
His mind was weary, convulsing with fear, anger and regret. How he wished he could have said goodbye properly. How he wished he could right all that he had wronged.
Misa, Sayu, his mother and father, Takada, Matsuda, L, …all of the people that he had hurt along the way. And he could never repent for his sins against them.
Something caught Light's eye as the world began to grow black. Something bright, with a sort of glow about it- as though other-worldly. And it had a quite unusual stature, as if it was… hunched over.
Come from the world of the dead to watch Light slip away. Just as the auburn himself had done so many years ago.
Light tried to speak, tried to apologize, tried to do something to acknowledge the detective before him.
But it was all he could do to take in one last, shaking breath.
His eyes slowly began to slip shut, his heart hammering to the point of destruction.
Sorrow and regret. Only sorrow and regret ran through his mind rampantly as his final moments took their toll.
So this was how Light's world would end- not with a bang, but with one last whimper.
Regret and a yearning for his past innocence were all that Light registered- all that he felt and all that he wanted.
All that he wanted was one more attempt at rising back to his former state of grace.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
He was dying… one more second, and he would be in the world of nothingness that had been promised to him by the Death Note.
But there was something different about him as he slipped away. Because as his eyes closed for the final time, there was a sort of glimmer to them that hadn't been there for six long years.
As he died, in his eyes, Light Yagami seemed to recapture the precious innocence that had been lost to him for so long.
A/N: Hmm.. I could have made the ending better.
And yes, I know that it was repetitive- I was going for making it dramatic- like his repetitve, desperate pleas before he dies...
I think that I kept Light relatively in character, because I honestly think that something like this was running through his mind in the final episode. For me, it was all about his eyes returning to their doe-like innocence before he died. That's basically where this sprung from.
Anyways, thank you so much for reading this! Please let me know what you think- consturctive criticism is welcome. Thank you!!