Author's note: The characters belong to JK Rowling's Harry Potter.

This is a parody, please do not feel offended.

After having read so many snape-adopts-harry-stories (i love them, i swear), I just have to point this out, dear readers.


Welcome to this somewhat official, officially nonofficial guide to „how to write a snape-adopts-harry-story".

In case you are muggle, please preposition a text editor, „Wordpad" is highly recommended by our agency to avoid needless gadgets.

In case you are wizard, which of course is the superior species, take a quill and parchment (at least 50 years old and with a good fistfull of age spots).

Let's start.

Our story is devided into 10 chapters. Please avoid chapters that have more than 900 words.

Chapter One:

Most important is the location. You do introduce at once that our protagonist, henceforth named Harry, has returned from school and spends his summer at the very abusing (at least one blow, at best rape/murder attempt) Dursleys. By no means do forget that Harry does not get fed.

So much for the notional part.

Now let's reduce it to practice:

At any rate do never make demanding phrases. Readers don't want to read something new, created by your own. Therefore we give them what they already know, so neither we nor they have to use their brain. Bravo.

Here an exemplar:

1. Harry is at Privet Drive and is not treated well.

2. The next day, Harry gets (please insert abuse of your choice: beaten, burnt, violated, raped, drown, starved)

Attention! Now it is going to get complicated.

3. Harry lies in bed and thinks about his life. Please choose from the following exemplars:

- Everybody hates me.

- I should try and kill myself.

- The world is better without me.

- I don't matter at all.

Special solution if you choose year 6 for your story:

- Sirius, it is my fault only you died.

This done, the very tricky and inventive transfer to chapter 2 follows:

- Noone will come and get me, especially not the greasy potions master Snape.

Congratulations! Your first chapter of your snape-adopts-harry story is finished.

Please do not forget to add the chapter-preview which says, that in the next chapters Snape will come and save Harry.

Thank you for your active participation.

Next time:

Chapter 2 – a coot convinces a bat in no more than 20 words to behave out of character.