Disclaimer: Don't own Devil May Cry, not going to make a profit out of this...and moving on.

Joe: Back again, bringing the cast of Devil May Cry down a notch, with the deadly weapon of exceedingly average day-to-day social encounters.

This time round two main characters are under the spotlight, but to say much more would ruin what little humour I have to offer.

Enjoy – if you can.

Nero fired round after round at the man in red with his beloved Blue Rose, yet the strange assassin seemed unperturbed by the gunfire.

The whole incident seemed surreal to Nero, who not minutes previously had been lounging sleepily in the now overturned pews. With absolutely no warning, the man had pounced through the stained-glass ceiling and inserted a bullet between the eyes of his Holiness before anybody could react.

The Order of the Sword was on him within seconds, but the man had overcome them one by one with minimal effort, his skill with his exceedingly large broadsword breathtaking.

So it was that the task of 'handling' the murderer fell onto Nero, bandaged arm and all. Though Nero was relentlessly filling the man with hot lead, his mind was reflecting on how close the assassin had got to Kyrie. Savior knows what would have happened had Nero not jump-kicked the man in the face.

This thought filled Nero's body with hot rage, the best weapon he currently had against his adversary. Did Credo honestly expect Nero to hold off against this man for long, taking his handicap into account? Credo had promised reinforcements, and the General of the Holy Knights was not known to fall short on his promises, but the fact remained that Nero was left with one functioning human arm and a limited amount of ammunition, not to mention a double-barrelled revolver that was testing the laws of physics' patience.

As Nero emptied the barrels of Blue Rose, he tossed a new clip upwards while pivoting stylishly on the spot, catching the live ammunition effortlessly. Doubts coursed like wildfire through his mind as he did so. What good was it? The ammunition was having no apparent effect on the man, who was -

Nero blinked twice. Where was the man? He had vanished upon Nero reloading, and was nowhere to be seen.

The holy knight spun round, surveying his surroundings. As he did so, he noticed the man in red strolling casually into view from behind a pillar, his sword resting upon his shoulder.

It seemed strange that the man was unburdened by this vast broadsword that was almost as tall as the man himself was, yet Nero figured that the man was far from human.

Speaking of the sword, the man had yet to use it against Nero. Perhaps he was bound by some sense of chivalry, seeing as Nero was evidently wounded?

Spotting a holy knight's sword lying on the ground nearby, Nero bent down to grip it. The swords of the Holy Knights had a peculiar design, and made a engine-like roar when the handle-like grip was turned. The work of the geniuses behind closed doors, Nero was told. The sword's design had proved an excellent platform to build upon, Nero's own Red Queen his final home-made product.

But this sword would have to make do – to stall the man, at any rate.

Nero stood the sword on the ground and twisted the grip, making the roar noise.

"What's the point in packing a sword like that if you aren't even gonna use it?" Nero challenged the man, more boldly than he felt. Wasting time was the name of the game...

The man gave the smallest of smirks before standing his own sword on the ground in a similar motion to Nero, and twisting it similarly, although minus the revving sound.

And so the battle became a sword fight. Nero was capable enough a sword master to spar single-handedly against the man, but for how long was a worrying question.

The man in red was seemingly preoccupied with something, as his expression was distant, yet he continued to block Nero's swipes expertly. As Nero held back, the man returned to earth and took his turn to unleash a barrage of slashes.

Parrying the initial swings, Nero began to feel that he could hold his ground indefinitely, but then the man abruptly changed attack pattern, feinting a horizontal sweep, then knocking the sword from Nero's grip as he lost balance.

Time seemed to slow for Nero as the man drew the sword like a spear, thrusting it forward to stab Nero. At first, instinct drove Nero to raise his arm up to stop the blow, but intelligence made Nero dive to the side, barely escaping death. Rebellion tore through the side of the man's bandaged arm, and Nero let out a surprised gasp as he fell to the ground, clasping his injured arm, inhaling sharply through gritted teeth.

The man rose the sword, and was about to bring it sharply down to cleave through Nero when a loud, commanding voice echoed through the opera house.


The man in red – presumably Dante – stayed his blade, then frowned as he looked slowly up.

A similar man in a blue coat approached from the front entrance, his arms crossed in a disapproving manner. A long katana was sheathed at his side, and an inhumanly large red blade was slung across his back, exuding a deep red aura.

"What do you think you are doing?" the man snapped. Dante hung his head sheepishly.

"Defending myself," Dante mumbled, barely audibly.

"What was that?" the man demanded.

Nero groaned as a blood-red stain on his sling grew increasingly large and damp. He did not know who this newcomer was, but he was glad that he had stopped the man in red, who had replaced the sword on his back.

"Defending myself," Dante repeated, albeit louder as he scrutinised his boots.

"Defending yourself," the man in blue spat venomously "Against a crippled man."

He then turned to Nero, observing him sympathetically before bending down to help him to his feet.

"I apologise for my brothers actions. Are you okay, sir?"

Nero didn't respond, but unclasped his sling to expose a pale white arm with a deep, bloody gash running up his forearm to his elbow. The man in blue inhaled sharply.


Dante, who had until then turned his back on the two, chanced a look at Nero's arm before immediately turning back around as though stung.

"I hope you're proud of yourself," the man in blue shot at his brother before dusting Nero's coat, and then making a temporary bandage of Nero's sling to cover the blood flow "Outrageous behaviour, don't know what he thinks he's doing...Mr...?"

"Nero," the holy knight responded quietly.

"I don't know how I can make amends for what my imbecilic brother -"

Dante spun quickly around heatedly.

"He kicked me in the face, Vergil!" he retorted indignantly, like a child caught performing some misdeed "And then he kept shooting at me!"

"He what?!" Vergil shouted, spinning round to stare Nero in the face.

"He kept shooting at me!" Dante repeated quickly, with slowly increasing confidence.

"Did he now?" Vergil asked vaguely as he regarded Nero, silently beseeching him for an explanation.

Nero was temporarily at a loss for words. This day just got weirder and weirder.

"Well, you, this guy here just dove through the ceiling -" Nero began tentatively.

"No I didn't! He's making it all up, don't believe anything he says, Verge, I was just walking along when - !" Dante streamed rapidly, absolutely nothing he said being registered by anyone.

"One at a time!" Vergil barked, holding both his arms out against the two, who had advanced quickly towards the other heatedly. He took in a fortifying deep breath, then turned to Nero.

"Okay...Nero. Did you kick Dante in the face?" Vergil calmly asked the knight.

"Yeah, but -" Nero began hotly.

"Okay!" Vergil cut across him before turning to face his brother. "Now, Dante. Did you crash through the ceiling?"

Dante remained quiet for a while, pouting and casting vicious glances at Nero.

"Dante!" Vergil stated firmly "Did you?"

Dante opened his mouth slowly, then shut it before actually responding.

"Yes, but -"

"You crashed through the ceiling!" Vergil exclaimed in disbelief "Why on earth would you crash through the ceiling? You were supposed to wait through the ceremony and kill the target afterwards!"

"Well, I – I," Dante spluttered before deflating back to embarrassment "...I don't like going to church...so I decided to skip that part and get it done with quickly..."

As Dante shuffled his feet, Vergil put his fingers to his eyes, straining to keep his patience. Nero was unable to contain himself any longer.

"He murdered his Holiness!" Nero bellowed furiously, pointing an accusatory finger at Dante, who shrugged it off.

"I know he did," Vergil said with forced calmness, his fingers still at his eyes as he seethed over Dante's idiocy. "That's what he's here for."

Nero was rendered speechless. He had just crossed the line into completely confused.

"Why the hell did he kill his Holiness?!" Nero eventually demanded.

"'His Holiness' is the leader of a notorious demonic cult summoning demons, playing with hell gates, and generally trying to achieve world domination," Vergil explained conversationally, his patience regained though seeming slightly weary.

"I – ah – what?" Nero blurted in disbelief.

"You didn't know?" Vergil announced in a surprised tone "You mean, you actively participated in a cult worshipping a demon, without knowing that it had evil intent?"

Both twins exchanged dubious glances then regarded Nero as they would an idiot.

"You know, it's only logical that devil hunters would come 'round sooner or later," Dante chipped in reasonably.

"Were you - I don't know – asleep the whole time?" Vergil stated jokingly before sharing a laugh with Dante.

Nero went red. It had been his habit to either sleep through the sermons or listen to music. It never once crossed his mind that his foster family and their associates were conspirators against humankind.

"Apprehend them!" Credo ordered loudly as he arrived on scene with more knights - in a questionably similar voice to Vergil's.

Just after barking his order, Credo's expression was that of confusion as he noticed that Nero was not attempting to attack either of the intruders. The knights had successfully surrounded them, and all possible exit was blocked.

"Credo?" Nero called out questioningly.

"What is it, Nero?" Credo replied doubtfully.

"Are you really part of a demonic cult attempting to take over the world?" Nero queried nonchalantly, as though he were commenting on the weather.

Credo cleared his throat as he frowned curiously at Nero, whilst every knight present exchanged glances.

"Well – yes! Haven't you been paying attention to the ceremonies since – your entire life?!" Credo inquired incredulously "Remember todays opening rite? - ''And verily shall we annihilate the unworthy humans and reclaim the world for our masters''"

Nero's mouth was agape in disbelief, before he eventually managed;

"You're shitting me."

"You mean to say...you actually didn't know what this was all about this whole time?" Credo exclaimed irritably, his arms crossed "Didn't you hear Kyrie sing all of our hymns? - Well, today's one was relatively new and a bit off the point – but still!"

"Kyrie's a -" Nero breathed, his head feeling woozy.

"Yes!" Credo confirmed exasperatedly, looking thoroughly disappointed in his adopted brother. "I can't believe that you -"

Credo was cut short as his skull was punctured with a .45 calibre round from Ebony.

"I think he gets the picture now," Dante stated impatiently, then turning to his twin "Can we go now? Lady said we wouldn't get paid if we arrived home late."

"Did she, now?" Vergil replied distractedly as he unsheathed Yamato.

Nero blinked and both sons of Sparda had appeared to have vanished and reappeared by the holy knights, and dispatched them one by one. As the last one died, his head cleaved from his body, Nero fell gently onto the ground, well and truly bewildered.

Further footsteps were heard, and a blonde lady entered, clutching an excessive amount of shopping bags and sporting a "I (heart) Fortuna!" baseball cap.

"You guys done?" she asked cheerfully "By the way, Vergil, I bought you a t-shirt you're going to absolutely adore -" She paused upon seeing Nero. "Who's the kid?"

"Nero," Vergil responded as he helped the former knight to his feet " - and I highly doubt that I would feel so passionately about an article of clothing purchased from a gift shop."

"Oh, pshah!" Trish waved it off vaguely as she produced a t-shirt from a bag stating "Attained more power at Fortuna!".

As Vergil promptly fell in love with said t-shirt and rushed to get a better look, Dante gave Nero a small encouraging smile.

"Wanna come with us, kid?" he asked Nero kindly.

Nero didn't respond, but quietly joined Trish and Vergil as they departed, jabbering excitedly about Trish's various purchases and the value of the same.

Joe: That was a little different, but I hope yis enjoyed.

My theory is that if Vergil was alive, then Nero wouldn't have his devil bringer, if that helps anybody who was confused.

Anyways, huge thanks to those that reviewed, and I'll see what I can do for the next chapter.