Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or anything of the other items mentioned in this story. I just put them together in a feeble attempt at humour.
A/N: I know I should be updating Inevitable, but this story just came to mind and I had to write it. I know it's not the best story for humour and it is pretty sketchy.
NOTE: THESE CHARACTERS ARE VERY OOC!!
So without further ado...
The Pasta Adventure
It's funny how things change. Now I'm not talking about how babies turn into adults or how seasons change or any other event like that. No, I'm talking about how something as simple as lunch could turn into a full out mess. But with the Cullens I'm sure it's something I should've suspected to happen eventually. Not sure what I'm talking about? Well then let me tell you what happened...
One week ago
So I was sitting in the kitchen at the Cullen's house cutting out pictures from the newspaper for Alice and Esme's scrapbook of Forks with Edward. Or rather, I was cutting out the pictures and he was playing idly with my hair. Sometimes he would distract me and I would lose my train of thought, but I always managed to pull myself back together before I lost all coherencies.
Whenever I shook my head to clear my mind, Edward chuckled from beside me, but I refused to look at him. No need to influence my crazy imagination. Honestly, my imagination makes SpongeBob SquarePants' seem amateur. It just whirs and fills my head with ideas until I think I might burst. I remember this one time...well I won't go into detail about it.
A few hours of this insane routine of cut, dazzled, clear, repeat, continued for a couple hours until my stomach rumbled, signalling lunch time. My stomach definitely works like an alarm clock. It signals my hunger precisely at 7 am, noon, and 5 pm. Definitely creepy.
"Lunch time for the human?" Edward asked sweetly, taking the scissors from my hand carefully as though I might hurt myself if he didn't. Though truth be told, I probably would.
"Sure," I answered brightly and got up from the table. "Do we have to go to the store to pick something up?"
"Yeah I think so," Edward replied. "Esme took all of our food to the Newton's party she helped run yesterday."
"Alright, let's go then," I said and started towards the door. But before I had even stepped outside a large thundering noise was heard from the stairs.
"Emmett," Edward and I sighed at the same time. Precisely on cue we heard...
"Oh Bella," Emmett's voice sang out from behind us. "Can I come with you guys?"
"Emmett not this time," Edward told him.
"I wasn't talking to you," Emmett retorted, sticking his tongue out at Edward. I giggled at that. "I was asking Bella, and she doesn't really have a choice anyway."
"And why not?" Edward demanded.
"Emmett don't do this to me," I moaned, throwing a wary glance at Edward.
"Are you going to tell him or shall I?" Emmett asked, smirking as I burned bright red. I really didn't want to remember Emmett's and my bet the other night.
"Bella what's going on?" Edward asked, looking at me with concern in his eyes.
I sighed. "Well you see..."
Emmett and I were watching TV alone while Edward and his family were out doing some errands. Emmett had wanted me to keep him company, and succumbing to the force of his puppy dog stare, I agreed. I now know that that probably wasn't a very smart move.
"Hey Bella," Emmett said casually, "how would you like to make a bet."
"A bet on what?" I asked warily. Emmett was notorious for making absurdly weird bets with even weirder consequences. I had quickly learned not to trust him.
"We'll bet on who wins the race," he said, gesturing to the TV. I hadn't even noticed that a horse race was about to start.
"What are we betting?" I asked, interested. This couldn't be so bad.
"Hmm...If I win the bet you have to listen to whatever I say for the next week," he told me, grinning.
"Fine, but if I win you have to listen to me for a week," I replied.
"Alright, you're on," Emmett said, holding his hand out so we could shake on it. "Who are you betting on then?"
I looked on that line-up being shown on the screen. "I'm betting on Tropical Paradise."
He snorted. "Bella that horse has never won anything. Why would you pick him?"
"I liked the name," I replied shyly, blushing. "I don't know very much about horse races alright?"
"Ha, alright. Well I'm betting on Super Mega Crocodile Killer."
I scrunched my nose. "Who would name a horse something like that? That's a terrible name."
Emmett laughed. "Bella all the horse racing names are weird. You really don't know anything about this sport do you?"
"Not really," I admitted.
The race was starting then so I turned my attention to the screen. I didn't really know what was going on, but Emmett started screaming at the TV telling his horse to 'get a move on or else.' I chuckled quietly to myself. As if yelling would influence anything.
But to my surprise Emmett's horse finished better than mine. Neither won, the winner was Little Boy, but his came 5th. Tropical Paradise came dead last.
"See what did I tell you?" Emmett boasted smugly. "It doesn't matter about the name, it matters about the stats. So you lose the bet. Your first rule is to not tell Edward about this until I say for you to. We don't want him ruining it for me now do we?"
I sighed in resignation.
"And that's what happened," I finished, looking at Edward earnestly.
He was looking at Emmett. I was expecting him to say something in my defence but all he said was, "Why on Earth would you pick Super Mega Crocodile Killer? You know he would never win."
So much for my defender.
Emmett saw my shocked expression and laughed. "Well once she picked Tropical Paradise I knew there was no way she would beat me, so I just picked one that was better than hers."
I glared at the both of them in indignation. "Well let me know once you two are done discussing my incompetence. I'll be in the car."
I stalked out of the living room, but they followed right behind me.
"Don't be mad Bella," Edward pleaded. "I was just surprised that's all. But don't worry, this week will go by quickly and then you won't have to listen to him anymore."
I smiled. "You'll make sure he doesn't hurt me too much though right?"
"You can count on that," Edward promised looking back at Emmett.
We drove to the Thriftway and I grabbed a shopping cart. Emmett looked thoughtful and then he said, "Shouldn't you be riding in the cart for safety reasons Bella? We wouldn't want you to knock down a display or something."
I paled. "Emmett please don't make me! That will be so embarrassing! And who will get the food then?"
He simply chuckled. "Now Bella, you know what the bet was. If you didn't like the arrangements, you shouldn't have shaken on it."
I grumbled incoherently as Edward, who was chuckling, picked me up and placed me in the basket. "So who will grab the food?" I asked slyly.
"You can tell us what to get," Emmett told me serenely.
I sighed and ordered them to roll to the produce section. I told them that I was making a pasta dish for myself, so we picked out some vegetables to go with it. I told Emmett to grab me a couple tomatoes, and he stared at me like I had three heads. It turns out that they aren't that educated in the world of human food. Eventually I taught them about everything.
We grabbed a package of chicken and went down to the sauce aisle to grab a package of primavera sauce.
"Now we have to pick out pasta," I told them. "Let's go to the pasta aisle." And I pointed my finger like a leader of a group of soldiers and stood in my cart like it was my chariot. If I was going to be embarrassed, I might as well do it thoroughly.
Edward laughed and pushed me down the aisle. He and Emmett both stopped when they saw the rows upon rows of noodles.
"What's wrong?" I asked curiously. Their eyes were wide open and it seemed like they were shocked.
"There's so many..." Emmett said quietly. "Which one do you pick?"
"Um, it depends on what mood I'm in," I told him seriously, playing along. "Do you want to pick a kind?"
"I will," Edward offered.
"No I want to!" Emmett suddenly declared.
"What if I wanted to?" I asked. "After all I'm the one that has to eat it."
Edward and Emmett both looked at me appraisingly. "Too bad for you then," Emmett grinned and took off down the aisle, grabbing packages of noodles. After looking at me and apologizing with his eyes, Edward too ran and was grabbing packages of noodles and reading what kind they were.
I rolled my eyes, but I secretly wanted to grab a few myself. I stood up in the cart and looked at the ground. I could jump no?
So I swung my arms and tried to jump out of the cart. It would've worked had my legs not been so short, or the cart not so tall. My foot clipped the edge of the cart on my way out, and down I went. The cart smashed into the shelves, knocking all the pasta down, I fell on the ground, and scraped my knee, and Edward and Emmett, in their haste to get back to me, knocked the shelves over on the other side.
When the dust settled, I surveyed the damage. Just about every single bag of pasta was off the shelves. Emmett and Edward were sitting on the ground surrounded by all the pasta, looking bewildered, and the cart had somehow ended up by the meat section which was perpendicular to the pasta aisle.
"So guys what are we going to do about all the pasta?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm, but on the inside I was about to burst out laughing.
"We'll have to buy it all," Edward said seriously and he and Emmett gathered all the pasta at light speed and quickly ran it and myself to the checkout. If Edward could be flushing from embarrassment I'm sure he would be.
It was hard, but we managed to fit all the pasta in the Volvo. We were quite squished driving back to the Cullen's place, and I think I had pasta in my ear and down my shirt.
When we got home the rest of the Cullens were waiting for us and they helped us unload, all the while laughing at what had happened to us.
"So Bella are you going to eat all of this?" Jasper asked as we unloaded all the pasta.
"Very funny Jasper," I retorted, eyeing all the pasta. There was enough to feed an army.
"Well I think we should cook it and go down to the food bank and serve it tonight to the homeless," Esme said.
"Does a little town like Forks even have a food bank?" I asked. I had never seen it before.
"No, but we'll drive down to Seattle. There'll be a lot of people there," she replied.
"Alright," I agreed.
I spent the entire afternoon cooking the pasta. Emmett found great pleasure in reading off all the kinds we had. Penne, Fettuccini, Ravioli, Bowtie, Spaghetti. There were so many different kinds, and some that I had never heard of.
At the end of it all, we had over one tonne of cooked pasta to serve. I volunteered to transport it out to the car, but Emmett had another idea in mind.
"Bella we'll park the car at the end of the drive and you'll have to carry it to the car," he said evilly.
"That's so mean!" I protested.
"Too bad," he grinned.
I tried to get it out, I really did. But somehow I ended up dropping the containers halfway to the car. At first Esme would say that it was no big deal, after all we had so much of it. But once I dropped my tenth container and it too spilled all over the ground, I think Esme took pity on me.
"Jasper, why don't you take them to the car?" She said gently.
"Sure," he agreed, noticing the look of desperation on my face. He tried to take all the remaining containers at once, and I thought he would make it, especially seeing as he was a vampire. But, we heard the huge crash a couple minutes later.
I walked outside and burst out laughing. It looked like the Cullen property had been turned into an exploded pasta piñata. All the pasta I had cooked was strewn everywhere. It hung from the trees and on the shrubs and it completely covered the driveway.
"What happened?" Esme asked.
"Emmett tripped me!" Jasper said, pointing a finger at Emmett.
"Emmett is this true?" Esme scolded.
"Haha yeah," Emmett laughed. "It looks like our house was attacked by the pasta monsters!"
At this everyone had to laugh. But it was short-lived.
"Emmett you'll be the one to pick it all up," Esme commanded. "No one will help you and you have until evening. I don't want to see one noodle out here. Are we clear?"
"Yes Esme," Emmett said, abashed. "But hey Bella can do it!"
My eyes widened and I looked at Esme for help.
"No, this is a job that I give you and you can't use the bet to get someone else to do it," Esme said, smiling at me. I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Come on love, we'd better get you home," Edward told me, grinning at Emmett's predicament.
As we drove away in Edward's Volvo, I heard Emmett yell, "Bella, I hate pasta!"