The opinions expressed by Growtooth the Goblin are not necessarily my a matter of fact I took a long hot shower after writing this! I wish I could scrub my brain LOL! This is my Screwtape Letters. I hope you enjoy my little foray into the mind of the sneakiest, slimiest and most morbidly intriguing species in the HP universe.

Read and Review if you must.


Law 1:
When negotiating, always do so from a place of power. My personal preference is when the other person is hanging upside down by an ankle.

Law 2: When you are closing a deal, make sure you have either leverage, or one of the other parties loved ones, children are best, wives don't always help.

Law 3: As you move to acquire property from someone who is reluctant to part from said property, Remember that accidents do happen. Frequently.

Law 4: Morality is optional, if something is immoral for the other party, then that means they've left you with a tremedous advantage. To the winner goes the spoils, Morality never enters into that equation.

Law 5: Always aim low. The knees are best, but the crotch hurts more.

Law 6: Stabbing someone in the back is only noticed if you miss, so make sure you hit a vital organ.

Law 7: Always look humble, people underestimate humble, if you can't look humble look mentally deficient. Seeming ignorant is not just for the retarded.

Law 8: On occasion do something out of the "Kindness of your heart." Kind people are more likely to be shown the valuables.

Law 9: If someone gives something to you for "Safe Keeping" keep it in your safe. Permanently, because if they are dumb enough to give something to a Goblin they want back later, they don't deserve to keep it.

Law 10: Remember to specify the method of murder in your marriage contract, That way when the inevitable happens and she comes after you, You have a better chance of dodging it. I always specify poisioning, because I can always eat out.

LAW 11: Remember Goblins already have a bad reputation, because Humans for some reason took all those bloody Goblin rebellions personally. Maybe someday they will get over it. But until then be nice and kind to the humans and leave no survivors.

Once again this is pure character hate mail please. :)