DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters are the property of NBC and Dick Wolf
DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters are the property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the first of four stories in a comedy series.
If you are looking for angst, drama, violence or graphic sex…not here folks.
This is Casey/Olivia-centric.
If you are looking for A/O, E/O, I/O, O/O, U/O or sometimes Y/O…again, not here folks.
Now, if you are looking for laughs, romance and (hopefully) a fun read…your trip begins under the title header. Sit back, relax (keep those arms and legs in the vehicle at all times) and enjoy the ride.
This series takes place after the farce of Conviction but prior to Elliot's fifth child. I will hit canon every now and then. Hopefully, canon won't hit back. Or at least won't hit hard. I bruise easy. It's a comedy/parody, so expect it to go off on its own. If we are lucky, it'll be equipped with a GPS device and we can track the little sucker down if it gets lost. Oh, and the series refers back to an incident that happened in my previous short story called DOINK DOINK but you don't have to read it first.
(story 1 in the MIScommunication Series aka It Sucks To Be You Series)
October 13, Friday Afternoon
Don Cragen hung up the phone. Shaking his head, he looked down at the notes he wrote as he listened to the powers that be drone on. He rubbed his forehead and then his closed eyes and ended with a pinch to the bridge of his nose. Taking a deep breath, he silently willed the threatening headache to dissipate. "Why did it have to be us?"
He pushed his chair back to stand, cringing at the sound of the grate of metal on the linoleum floor. Making his way to his office door, he turned back and grabbed his notes off his desk. "Let's get this over with."
Opening the door he paused to survey his squad room. Munch was sitting at his desk speaking on the phone. Fin was tossing paper wads at his partner, much to Munch's annoyance. Elliot was perched on the edge of Olivia's desk and they were looking at something on her computer screen. Everyone looked briefly up when they heard the door open but then went back to what they were doing. Cragen waited until Munch hung up his phone before clearing his throat to get their attention.
"Okay, listen up. I just got off the phone with 1PP and we have been chosen to participate in a publicity event."
"Aw, Cap, why us?" Elliot questioned. The others murmured their concurrence.
"I imagine it's since we are the current darlings of the media for our fine work on that last serial rapist case. Anyway, it's not up for discussion; we have been chosen and we will comply."
"Okay, so what's up? Pictures? Appearances? Interviews, what?" Fin asked.
"We are going to participate in a game show."
"WHAT!?" Everyone shouted at the same time.
"I know, I know, it wouldn't have been my choice either but 1PP was approached by the producers who want to do a week's worth of shows using NY organizations... cops, fire companies, sanitation workers etc. We -you four and me - will be representing the Police.
"Um…just what intellectually stimulating contest will we be participating in?" it was Munch's turn to ask.
Cragen looked down at his notes. "Something called the Family Feud."
"Elliot, listen, the producers are giving 25000 to the PBA for our participation. If we actually win we get another 25000. Plus, if that wasn't enough they are going to donate another 1000 per person to everyone's own personal charities. Everybody wins here."
"Aw c'mon El, it'll be fun. We'll be on TV and we'll get to donate some money to some really worthy causes," Liv added.
"Oh all right. I'm in."
"So Cap, any idea who we will be playing against?"
"I haven't a clue. Oh, and they said not to tell anyone. I guess they want to do a media blitz on their own and don't want the word to leak out. Okay, everybody go home, gets some rest and we'll meet here around noon and then go over to the studio. Wear your badges and dress nicely."
"Hey, I hear that TV adds ten pounds. Maybe we can combine up all our extra ten pounds and give'm to Munch. He could actually get a real body out of it."
"Funny, Fin, really funny. I do have a body y'know?"
"Yeah, where do you keep it?" Liv joked.
"Yeah, John, I know you think it's real but the blowup doll doesn't count." Elliot added.
October 14, Saturday Afternoon
The five police officers arrived at the studio and were ushered backstage to a dressing room. There they waited, isolated, until they were called individually for makeup. The make-up technician had to spend a little extra time covering up Olivia's black eye. Once that ordeal, as the guys called it, was over, they were escorted back to the dressing room.
The closer they got to filming time, the more their nerves kicked in. Munch, adjusted and readjusted his black tie, Fin and Elliot paced incessantly. The captain chewed his nails. The only one oblivious to the stress was Liv. She sat calmly reading the daily news that had been left on the coffee table.
"Hey, listen to this... your past will come back to haunt you but an unexpected present will save your future"
"Ooh, Liv, do you actually believe that crap?"
"Not really El, but they're still fun to read. Hey, let me see what yours is..."
A single knock sounded at the door and all motion stopped. They looked among themselves and then they all assumed a deer caught in the headlights expression at the second knock. A head popped in the door.
"Hi, I'm Jim Applegate, the producer." He stepped into the room and shook everyone's hand. "I just wanted to welcome you to the show and tell you not to be nervous - be yourselves and have fun out there. We'll send someone to call you in a few. I'm going to go greet your opponents now."
"Who are we playing anyway?"
"Uh uh uh…that would be telling, Detective." He waved his finger at them in a dismissing gesture. "I want it to be a surprise."
The producer exited the green room and the Detectives returned to pacing. Another knock startled them.
"We're ready for your team." The voice said, through the closed door.
Everyone took a deep breath and headed out. They were quickly herded to the left side of the soundstage and told to wait for their introduction.
Liv adjusted Elliot's tie and straightened the badge on the Captain's pocket. "How do I look?" she said as she shook her hair back.
"You look good, Liv."
"Okay, gentlemen, we are going out there and we are going to kick the other team's butts. Remember, the important thing… it's all for fun and charity."
"Actually, Liv-girl there is one more thing that is more important right now."
"What's that, Fin?"
"Guys, check your zippers."
Liv and Fin watched and laughed, as Cragen, Elliot and Munch all scowled but turned their backs and checked anyway.