AN: my version of Bella's changing. Edward and Bella live just outside Forks and are married.
For my last story 'Just For Tonight' more people favourited it than wrote a review. Just sayin'. PLEASE REVIEW.
Today was the day I was going to be looking death straight in the eye. I wasn't going to lose my nerve or be overcome with fright. I had faced danger, in the form of Volturi member Jane, who had kidnapped Edward on our wedding night, and both of us had survived intact. On that night I had been everything I wanted myself to be: strong, powerful, and confident. I was already changing and now this was the final piece of the puzzle. I wasn't going to look back. My heart would stop beating and a new life with Edward would begin.
7:36pm One Night Prior to Bella's Changing
It was at times like this that Edward should be thankful he couldn't hear my thoughts. Tonight it was like a million voices chattering in my head, all desperate to be heard, talking over each other impatiently. I knew it had to happen sometime. I had been so calm and almost eager for my 'change' but now the full force of my nerves was making itself apparent. My changing was going to happen tomorrow. I had said goodbye to my past because I knew I could never see anyone ever again but now every face I had ever known was haunting me, reminding me of a life that had existed before Edward. As if there was such a thing. Renee, Charlie, Angela, Mike, Jessica, Lauren…some faces I cherished…others not so much. But whether it was love or hatred those faces inspired, it was still saying goodbye to my human life forever. The only existence on this earth I had ever known. Would I even survive my transformation? What if I didn't live through it? The pain might be too much for my flimsy human body and I could slip away into an unconscious slumber never to see Edward again…
I didn't want him to know how I was feeling right now. I was asking so much of him to change me and loading him with guilt, which I knew he would feel if he knew how anxious I was, seemed so unfair. He deserved more than that. He had to see I wasn't weak, that I could be brave. Hiding this truth from him was going to be act of kindness.
I was only married a week and already the secrets and lies were creeping into our marriage. I was making everything wrong. As usual. I remembered when Edward had been worried about my changing. I was able to convince him otherwise in what had turned into the most exhilarating, intoxicating night of my life. Maybe there was a slim chance I could turn this around too?
I looked down and saw that my fork was hovering in mid air, halfway towards my mouth. How long had I been holding my fork like this? It could have been hours or days, I really had no idea. We were in a hushed corner of an expensive restaurant and Edward was staring at me.
"Um, Bella, are you okay?" he asked nervously.
I looked at him and tried to think of some witty reply about being dazzled by him. Unfortunately my mind was too busy whirring and clicking with all of my thoughts to think of a coherent sentence. A silence stretched out between us to fill in the gap. I shuffled uncomfortably in my seat.
"Bella?" He frowned in concern. The restaurant was sparsely lit with candles and soft lighting that bathed Edward in a warm orange glow. The light picked out the copper colour shimmering in his hair and the golden flecks in his pale amber eyes. He fixed his gaze upon me, waiting for an answer.
"Oh, fine, fine, really, I just spaced out for moment, that's all," I apologised, stabbing at the salad leaves on my plate with my silver fork.
"I'm not sure that you are…okay, I mean. You looked worried, then scared, then ponderous then almost happy and then I'm not sure what," he said, quite puzzled.
"Of course I'm fine, Edward, why wouldn't I be?" I said attempting to sound casual. It wasn't fooling him no matter how good an actress I thought I was.
"You are changing tomorrow, I would expect you to feel a little nervous," he said quietly, staring at his glass of water. He stroked the side of glass with one finger, creating a line that cut through the mist of condensation on the glass. He was avoiding my eyes. He seemed almost slightly fearful of what I might say.
This was my chance to tell him the truth. I wanted to tell him because I knew he would be understanding. There was also a chance he would be too understanding and call the whole thing off. I bit my lip to prevent any words straying from my mouth.
The same awkward silence returned. The sound of laughter and voices surrounding us seemed like a dull hum in the background, the happy atmosphere was lost on us. Edward tapped his glass of water repeatedly, drumming a little beat, stealing a glance at me whenever he thought I wasn't looking. I knew he was dying to ask me what I was thinking but he was resisting against his instinct, waiting for a moment when I might give an honest answer. I just couldn't answer him. What could I say? It was like Alice said; I worry too much. But what was I worried about? I wasn't even able to answer that myself. My fork scraped loudly against the china plate as I continued eating my starter salad. Where had our carefree days gone? It hadn't always been this way…