Ok people, so I have read this thing about all these things to do at K-Mart for pranks, and I laughed for a long time. I'm normally a reasonably serious person but these were seriously funny! So I looked for more and found lots of Wal-Mart ones, and some Coles and Woolworths ones... for all you Americans since I dunno what shopping centers you guys have, Coles and Woolworths (also known as Woolies) are two big Australian supermarkets. And a big hai thar to all my American readers XD
This is just going to be a massive oneshot because I can't be bothered making individual chapters and then posting them separately and everything, mmk?
Anyway, I must also thank Bella Rosalie Cullen because I got the idea to actually make all the Wal-Mart / K-Mart / Coles / Woolworths pranks into a Twilight story from her story. It's funny, go read it! She is an insane Polish genius and we both read the same list on the net. All the same plots :O
Edward and I sauntered up to the door of the Cullen residence in Alaska. We had purchased a house not far from the Denali clan, but far enough away that we had different hunting grounds. With my new vampire grace, I was able to walk up the stairs with Edward and not stub my toe on atoms.
We were about to open the door when it exploded. With our reflexes we were able to react in exasperation before the explosion got us. Edward only took a split second to mutter "Crap," and I just had time to think 'How typical' before the shockwave threw Edward and I in opposite directions for about six kilometres. I fumed as I sailed through the air, boredly thinking about how I would look like a shooting star if the sun was out.
I felt myself slowly lose momentum and I was falling. I sighed again, waiting for the impact. I slammed abruptly into the ground from a steep angle which resulted in my bouncing and rolling for about another quarter of a kilometre. When I finally stopped, I stood up, brushed myself off and took off at a run towards my home to kill Emmett who was undoubtedly responsible for the explosion, grumbling the whole way there.
I met Edward at the door yet again, and we exchanged a mutually evil look and turned to face the door. We both regarded the blown hinges suspiciously and at exactly the same second took off around opposite sides of the stairs and threw ourselves through the doorside windows on either side. I landed at the same time he did, our commando rolls timed perfectly. I marvelled at how rehearsed it looked. We high-fived quickly, then bolted up the stairs to bring Emmett's doom.
The stupid frigging firework went off too early. I meant for them to get in and for me to grin evilly and say "This is a taste of what we are going to do today," and then blow them up, but NOO, something had to go frigging wrong! They're both going to kill me. I waited for them, cursing Alice. I knew she must have seen the accident, especially because when it happened she had a vampire coronary from laughter and Jasper had to carry her away.
Not good. If Alice can't walk, Alice has seen something she thinks is too funny to move. If Alice has seen something too funny to move involving me, Alice has seen something painful involving me. Bella was a newborn. Bella was, therefore, very, very good at pain.
I smelled Bella first, then Edward, lingering outside. My bravery failed me and I took off upstairs, daring one glance behind me - just in time to see them both fly through neighbouring windows at exactly the same time and then break their falls with commando rolls. A stab of fear punctured my undead heart as their obviously rehearsed leaps of doom sent glass flying everywhere. I leaped the last ten steps and flew into my room, fast. Not fast enough, apparently.
I was mentally calculating (yes! Two points to me for using big words! I hope you're listening, Edward) my chances of getting away if I jumped out my window when my door banged open and Edward stormed in, closely followed by Bells. He growled as I thought her nickname, and despite the situation, I rolled my eyes. Big deal! As he went to kill me, I blurted.
"Ijustwantedtoshowyouguysalittlebitofthefunwe'regoingtobehavingtodaybutitwentwrongandDON'TKILLME!" I said loudly and quickly.
"What fun is that, Emmett? Will be blow up the whole house this time?" snapped Bella. I rolled my eyes again.
"No," I said devilishly. "We're going to go to K-Mart and prank their ASSES off!"
I half expected Edward to go psycho and spaz off at me completely, but he surprised me totally by bursting out laughing.
"Well, Emmett, congratulations. I didn't hear anything!" he complimented me, and I smiled proudly. I was getting better at blocking my mind, even though it annoyed the hell out of Edward.
Bella was giggling too, and all thoughts of murder seemed to be forgotten in the delights of my evil plan. I grinned. I AM A GENIUS!
"Wishful thinking, Emmett," Edward stated promptly. I glared and him and flounced out of the room... probably looking gay. I heard Edward's laugh behind me and I got furious.
"PRUDE!" I shouted. I heard a slight scuffle behind me, and turned to find not Edward, but Bella sinking her little teeth into my arm. I shrieked like a girl and shook my arm. She stuck to it by her teeth, staring at me as she shook like a ragdoll. Unfortunately for me, her stupid frigging husband came to her rescue and pounced me. I tumbled backwards down the stairs, probably breaking them all, before skidding to a stop at Alice's feet.
She pulled the two pseudo-lovebirds off me (Edward sniggered at that thought) and announced brightly, "It's going to be hilarious, Emmett!"
I smiled again. "Then let's go!" I said impatiently. "Rose! Jasper! Come on!"
They were there in an instant, and we breezed off on our way.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX (This is my way of saying, new chapter)
We breezed into K-Mart without a care, and I could see that Emmett was already itching to get on with whatever insane plot had struck his fancy right now. I grinned, thoughts of my own mad pranks boiled in my mind.
Emmett was muttering about how he wanted to do something quickly, and we all watched him, amused. He sauntered over to the greeter, nodding politely. He then proceeded to place himself directly in front of the greeter, looking completely at ease. The poor greeter stared uncomfortably, clearly intimidated and obviously confused. I repressed my laughter, shaking slightly.
A middle aged man was the first unfortunate victim to walk through the doors. The scared greeter poked his head out from behind Emmett and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Emmett boomed.
"Hey there! Welcome to K-Mart!" he said, smiling. The middle aged man nodded, slightly confused, and continued on his way. The greeter just stared in utter bewilderment.
The next unfortunate person was a thuggish teenager who obviously thought he was buff, but he looked lanky next to Emmett. He didn't look twice at Emmett, but leered at me. We had all drifted closer to Emmett in out laughter, but I was furthest away. I automatically shifted closer to my family, but he must have thought I was moving closer to him. He grinned – he had disgusting, browning teeth, and went to step forward. Emmett's eyes narrowed slightly, and he stepped in front of the teenager authoritatively. I would have taken him seriously had he not decided to adopt a redneck accent.
"Welcum tuh K-Mart. Git yur shit and git out," he snarled. The teen stared at him and bolted. I almost collapsed laughing, but controlled myself. Jasper was finding it more difficult, what with all the humour flying around. He had his lips pressed together, but occasionally a random burst of air would escape as a laugh. The greeter looked scared now and probably thought we were all insane.
"Well... uhm, you're doing a good job," muttered the greeter unenthusiastically. "I'm just, you know, going to go take a breather." And he walked off as quickly as he could while trying not to appear rude. Emmett now looked embarrassed and out of place as a small family walked in, looking expectantly at him.
"Oh, er... hi, enjoy your stay- I mean, um, I hope you find what you're looking for... heh," he stuttered and I had to glide away before I burst into laughter.
The rest of us left Emmett indignantly greeting people. We knew he'd get bored quickly and follow us, and he did after only a few seconds. We finally entered the store, and looked around. So many prank opportunities... the possibilities were endless.
I had several fabulous ideas, and I also had some minor tricks that would be good for laughs. I beckoned my family and set off towards the hygiene section.
We got to the roll on deodorants, and I selected a random bottle, before continuing. I was blocking my mind from Edward and I kept looking at random things and deciding to go play with them before changing my mind and finding something else; therefore distracting Alice and she couldn't see what was going on. I gloated as my family followed along, mystified.
I looked down to make sure the deodorant I had selected had an opaque bottle. It did, luckily. I turned around and winked to Alice, releasing my facade and letting her see my plan. She froze for a second and then fell about laughing. I grinned in satisfaction and continued on my way without a word. Alice followed and I could tell she was blocking her mind from Edward because he was getting frustrated more and more.
I arrived at my destination – the cream cheeses. I selected another random package, and then glided back towards the hygiene section. Emmett grumbled something about boring, pointless pranks and followed.
We got back, and I set to work. I unscrewed the lid of the deo, and then twisted it out halfway. I sliced the whole stick off and wound it back in. Then I squished cream cheese into the gap and resealed the package. It looked exactly the same as I placed it back into its spot and kicked the discarded jellylike roll under the isle. My whole family was laughing now and raced around, doing the same thing to an aerosol deo but filling it with spray-distributed cooking oil.
Then Edward had an idea. Just a small one; we didn't want to get kicked out yet. There were lots of bigger, better things that everyone was planning.
Edward grabbed several bouncy balls from the toy section and flung them, hard, at the roof. They ricocheted in every direction and I could hear numerous "WHAT THE FUCK?"s around, as well as some "SHIT!"s and some "AHH! WHAT IS THIS?"s. I laughed. Then I did the same with some spam ham, flicked over the top of the isles onto unsuspecting people. Funny stuff!
(This bit is an idea from Bella Rosalie Cullen's story and I hope she doesn't mind me using it. I changed it slightly, but credit is due to her. I just loved it so much I wanted to use it!)
We were looking around for more inspiration for our small plots and schemes when Jasper spotted a small group of gothically dressed teenagers. He snatched a few bottles of water from those fridges implanted into the checkouts and walked towards them, his face completely sombre and serious. He reached them and they looked up. He stood there silently until one of them opened their mouth to speak.
"Can we help you?" the tall guy in the middle said.
Jasper suddenly stepped forwards and flicked splashes of water all over the Goths, screaming.
"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!" he yelled as he splashed more completely normal water on them. "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"
The Goths at this stage had enough sense to run off, but Jasper followed at a steady walk, his face in the same sombre mask as he threw water in their direction, still yelling about how the power of Christ compelled them.
He returned to us later, proudly, as we fell about laughing hard. Then Alice had a brainwave.
I had the BEST idea! I would need everyone's co-operation though. This would be so fun if we could pull it off!
"Guys, I have an idea!" I hissed. Then I explained, and everyone seemed keen except Emmett, who seemed altogether too ecstatic.
Stage One. Find pompous/well dressed old person, preferably with cane. Check! Spotted in aisle three, looking at mineral concealer.
Stage Two. Sort out pairings. We decided to go normal until Stage Three. I laughed in a tinkly way, and she looked up in irritation. I walked down the aisle with Jasper and we kissed quickly as we made our way down. Bella and Edward came next, and Rosalie with Emmett came after, all exchanging a quick kiss before slipping past the lady. We then doubled back through aisle four and started again.
Jasper pulled Bella to his hip, Emmett draped a massive arm over me, and Edward hugged Rosalie to him. We all smiled apologetically at our respective partners, and made our way down the aisle a second time at random intervals. We all exchanged another kiss with who we were with, but it was staged. The old lady looked up again. Each person put a hand in the way of the lady's sight when they 'kissed' so she couldn't see that their lips never touched, but they sauntered down the aisle like true couples, flashing their wedding rings.
I was fighting back hysterical laughter when I went past. Emmett's eyes were alight with amusement as we leaned together for a fake peck, and I saw the slight realisation in the old lady's eyes. She recognised us and seemed to notice we were mixed up.
I slid in next to Edward, Emmett pulled Bella against his chest gently, and Rosalie slotted herself into my Jasper's side. We repeated the process, and this time the snotty lady definitely noticed that something was up. She stared at us openly as we walked up the row and disappeared along the other way, and the lady quickly went on her way. We all burst out laughing after that.
I saw Bella's eyes suddenly dance, and I was hit with a vision. Jasper supported me as my eyes clouded, and then I fell over hysterically at what Bella was going to get us to do.
"Okay, guys," I said as we were all assembled outside the toilets. "I have some jobs for you."
Alice was shaking with laughter and Edward was irritably trying to get into her mind. I grinned again and continued.
"Okay, battle plan. Emmett, I want you to put this rubber cobra snake halfway down the urinal so the head is at the front," I said, giving him the snake. He saluted me and ran off. "Jasper, dye these cotton balls brown and litter them around the baby changing area. Edward, put red dye in the flush tank so it looks all bloody when they flush. Rosalie, mess with the re-flush mechanism so it overflows. Alice, very neatly stretch plastic wrap under the seat and above the bowl so any... excrement... bounces off," I instructed them.
"And you?" asked Edward, laughing. I grinned evilly.
"Clear jelly whisked into the bowl with the water will set and gel. Only way to get it out is to dig it out by hand," I smirked. Emmett roared with laughter from somewhere inside the Men's Room.
"Our little sister has finally gotten the hang of it!" boomed Emmett proudly.
"Everyone pick a toilet and get down to it!" I said excitedly.
We all set to work on our respective toilets, and sauntered out afterwards, feeling proud of ourselves. Then inspiration struck Alice.
She ran to the electronics and swiftly hooked up a printer to a fast computer, whizzing through Microsoft programs, and printing. The computer was surprisingly fast so Alice didn't need to go too slowly. The printer was slow, though, and lurched out slowly. Alice was blocking our view so we couldn't see what was coming out, then she ripped it out of the printer and sprinted at a fast human pace to the crafts section.
She emerged with scissors, and her hands blurred around the page, littering the ground with small cut offs which she swiftly kicked underneath the aisle. Moments later, she was striding around near the counters with a stressed expression, holding a pile of small cards.
She handed out her cards to random passersby and they read them. I studied their expressions; they went from confusion to realisation to horror to fear. I was puzzled, and I looked over to Alice for answers.
I doubled back and strode past as though a passerby and she handed me a card without a second glance, muttering "Have you seen this pet?"
I read the card.
King Cobra snake!
Last seen near Men's toilets in K-Mart.
I burst into laughter. Imagine the poor guy who read the card and ended up in the urinal with the rubber snake in it! Then I realised that Alice must have intended that.
What a cruel, heartless little pixie!
After the toilet scenario, my respect for Bella elevated slightly. She is a true Cullen in every scheming, mischievous way.
Then I had a small idea. I smiled, and Edward chuckled.
I made my way over to the change rooms in the Lady Wear section and locked myself into one for a minute or two. My family waited patiently for me outside. I decided the time was right, and screamed at the top of my lungs.
"DAMN IT, THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!" I bellowed. I barged out of the changing room to see my family rolling around in silent gales of laughter and I grinned at them before adopting a murderous expression and striding off to abuse the manager of the store.
Ah, my devious sister has it in her. We were going for the larger scale pranks now because we had been here for a while and we wanted to wreak more havoc before we got thrown out.
I was hit with inspiration and beckoned to my family as I forged a path to the powdered food. I picked up a few packs of Deb's Instant Mashed Potato and turned them upside down, carefully slicing off the bottom of the packet with Alice's scissors from earlier. I replaced them on the shelf carefully, giggling about whoever ended up picking them up and spilling it everywhere.
The idea formed in my head to play a large scale game of Marco-Polo using the entire supermarket including the aisles with very breakable items in them, and also freezing shaving cream and putting it back on the shelf where it would expand as it defrosted and burst out of the can, when the manager appeared in front of me.
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask all of you to leave," he said coldly to us. When we all smiled and nobody moved, he continued. A few security guys appeared behind him in what they thought was a menacing fashion, and we all rolled our eyes simultaneously. "If you insist, we will escort you out," he continued in his authority voice. Jasper's eyes bulged.
"NO!" Jasper screamed. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" He threw his hands in the air and bolted out of the store like a bat out of hell. Bella grinned, and at the perfect time, the intercom came on.
"Could the owner of a 1982 Blue Volkswagen please report to the carpark; your vehicle is about to be towed."
"AH!" screamed my beautiful, insane wife. "IT'S THE VOICES AGAIN!" She fell to her knees, clutching her head and sobbing. "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?"
She curled up into a foetal position and rocked back and forth in front of the flustered manager. Alice apologetically spun a finger in a circle near her head to indicate Bella's apparent insanity, and dropped to comfort her.
"It's okay, shh, did you take the right pills this morning? The ones in the downstairs cabinet?" she cooed to Bella, who hiccupped and gradually quieted, shaking her head slightly.
The security guys attempted to escort us out. One eyed Rosalie and took the advantage of escorting her outside to place a hand low down her back and stand close to her.
Of course, Emmett punched him in the face, but that goes without saying. His nose broke and he was yelling for a while, so we all high-tailed it out of there to meet Jasper in the woods where we all got high on laughing for several hours.
The end! I hope y'all liked it, I didn't use all of my ideas but I am busy with a few other stories so this one is over. :D