First thing I'd like to point out...if you want to understand the joke with the brick, go onto YouTube and look up TF: I Love My Brick. It's the one by the user, zeusis1.
Second... Do any of you remember in my collection of crack-fics how I said my sister and I often come up with stories while playing Transformers: The Game? Well, another instance of role-playing voices, and this is the result. I wish y'all could have heard the voice my sister was giving Scorponok. It was hillarious and adorable at the same time, especially the way she said, "My toupée!" (a line which was left out of the final result due to a slight plot change). In my opinion, it gets kinda boring about two thirds of the way down, both because we never got that far in our 'role-play', and because I was watching TV while I wrote it.
EDIT: To my dear Anonymous reviewer: If you wanted a response so badly, wouldn't it make sense to leave a way for me to contact you? Well, if you really must know, no, I have nothing against the Autobots, unless you count the fact that I voted pro-Decepticon in my last pole. I did it all for the sake of humor. Megatron is a reference to a video on YouTube. And I do take slight offense to the way you worded your question. Guess you think you can get away with anything when you act like a coward and leave reviews anonymously.
"Hey Blackout, look at this," Barricade said, motioning for his friend to come join him by the wall. He pointed towards a bulletin posted on the rec-room wall.
"27 dead, 15 injured in violent massacre," Blackout read.
"Oh cry me a river. The one below it, dumb ass."
"Ooh, a pet show? I should enter Scorponok!" Blackout said excitedly.
"Yeah, that should be an interesting event. Maybe I'll enter Frenzy just for laughs," his smaller companion shrugged. He turned around and started towards his partner. "Hey, Frenzy!"
Scorponok detached himself from Blackout's back and crawled onto his master's shoulder. "So, what do you think, Scorponok?"
Blackout could hear him reading through their mental link. "Body of missing youngling found underneath underpass".
"Oh boo-hoo. It's the one next to it, douche." Scorponok apologized and read the correct one, then chirped in approval. "So that's a yes, then?" Scorponok squeaked and nuzzled his master's face. "Alright, then. Let's go sign up."
There were some very odd pets waiting in line to be entered. Many of them had come from other planets. Many others were quite questionable whether they could be even called pets at all. Frenzy and Scorponok were pretty tame compared to some of the other entries.
"So let me get this straight… Your pet's name is "Brick"?" a drone asked upon looking over an application.
"Let me see this pet," the drone asked.
He set a brick down on the table. "Here he is."
"Wait a minute… Your pet is a brick?"
"Yep," Megatron replied. "I love my brick."
The drone at the next table wasn't doing much better. "Sir, you can't enter yourself as the pet."
"Why not?" Brawl asked. "Bonecrusher says I have the intelligence of a rodent." The drone slammed his head against the table.
"Next!" the first drone said.
Blackout and Barricade watched the mech in front of them step up with his…um…"pet"…
"Okay sir, let me see… This "Bumblebee" is your pet?"
"Yep," Jazz replied.
"Sir, this arises several moral and legal questions…"
"What do you mean? He likes being a pet. Right, BeeBee?"
"I do!" Bumblebee replied cheerfully.
"There isn't even a category for him," the drone protested.
"Just put him under "Exotic Pets and Insects". One of those has got to work."
"Exotic pets are pets from any planet other than Cybertron."
"Well, Fallout and I have always agreed that he seemed like our brother from another galaxy. He probably is from another planet." He quickly interrupted the drone before he could continue his argument. "Look! He even does tricks! Sit, boy!" Bumblebee pulled up a chair and sat down. "Now state Newton's Third Law."
"Whenever one object exerts a force on a second object, the second object exerts an equal and opposite force on the first object."
"Good boy! Have an energon cookie!" he said, tossing Bumblebee a cookie.
Blackout leaned down towards Barricade and whispered. "Wow, the competition this year is just bizarre."
Barricade nodded in agreement. "You're next, I believe."
"Oh, thank you," Blackout replied, stepping up to the table.
The drone snatched his application and read it. "Scorponok, huh? Finally, a pet that actually sounds like a pet. So where is he?"
"Oh, he's right here," Blackout responded as Scorponok detached himself and climbed onto his shoulder, wrapping his long tail around Blackout's neck.
"Wow…It actually is a pet this time!" the drone gasped.
"I prefer to call him a member of the family," Blackout corrected.
"Whatever. Either way, he qualifies."
"He does…He qualifies?" The drone nodded. "Awesome! He qualifies!" Blackout started running around and telling various people in line of this news. "Hey Barricade! Scorponok qualifies! Hey Lord Megatron! He qualifies! Hey soulless garbage drone! He qualifies! Hey you! Yeah, you, person who I don't know…hey, don't run from me! Get back here so I can tell you that my Scorponok qualifies!"
"Gee Frenzy, I wonder if he qualifies," Barricade said sarcastically to his small friend.
"Hey Blackout. So, are you and Scorponok ready for the pet show tomorrow?" Barricade inquired as he entered the larger mech's room.
"Yep! And check this out! I've devised a fool-proof plan to ensure that we'll win!" He stepped to the right so that Scorponok was in full view.
"Um, Blackout, is that a toupée?"
"Uh-huh! I hot-glued it onto his noggin this morning!"
Barricade face-palmed. "And he let you?!"
"Of course. He likes it! Mostly because he thinks it's a dead rodent, but he likes it none-the-less!"
"I feel pretty!" Scorponok chirped in his native language that only Blackout could understand.
"So, what are you and Frenzy doing?" Blackout asked.
"We repainted his armor. He's now black and red. See?" Barricade ejected him from his chest compartment. He was now recolored a wicked awesome color scheme of black and red.
"Cool! Now he matches Rumble!"
"Is he really? Hmm…"
Frenzy noticed Scorponok's head and gave Barricade a look like, "o.O" Barricade returned this gaze with one that said, "Don't say anything…"
"Well, that color scheme looks a lot more interesting than just plain silver," Blackout said, sitting down on his berth and allowing Scorponok to crawl into his lap.
"That's the point, Blackout."
"Ah. Smart thinking!"
"Isn't it though? We should have repainted him earlier."
"Well, see you later. It's time for Scorponok's power nap," Blackout said before pushing them both out of his room.
Barricade and Frenzy both stood out in the hall, wondering what just happened. Megatron walked by, dragging his brick on a leash. "I love my brick," he smiled as he walked by.
"Alright Scorponok, this is going to be a tough competition! This isn't a little contest between Girl Scouts, so just do your best! And if you lose, then your best obviously wasn't good enough!" Scorponok just continued to stare at Blackout and gnawed on something bloody. "Well, at least you've got a snack, so you shouldn't be going out on an empty stomach…wait a minute, I never gave you a snack. Where did you get that?"
"Pepper? Where are you sweetie? Pepper?" someone called from somewhere, looking for their missing pet.
"Well on the bright side, at least she won't have to teach Pepper to play dead," Blackout said nervously, pulling the bleeding hunk of flesh out of Scorponok's mouth and throwing it away.
"Come on, Bumblebee! Let's go to our seat!" Jazz said, dragging Bumblebee along on a toddler leash.
"Woof! Woof!" Bumblebee replied, garnering stares from everyone within a 20ft radius of them.
Megatron was trying (and failing) to coax his brick to climb the stairs by itself. "Come on, Brick! Up the steps! It's not that hard! Come on, I just did it!"
No one wanted to know what Brawl was doing.
"Hey Blackout, Frenzy and I just wanted to wish you and Scorponok good luck before the pet show," Barricade said to his friend.
"Funny, Scorponok and I were just about to come over to preemptively apologize for kicking your afts in the competition," Blackout replied.
"The competition's about to start! Get back to your place!"
The judge came out and took a good look at who was running before turning to her assistant, Optimus Prime. "Are you serious?"
"Dead serious," he replied.
"And what the hell is that right there?" the judge asked. "I can't even tell which one's the pet! They're both so ugly!"
"That would be a Quintesson and its pet Sharkticon, m'ame," Optimus answered.
"Which one's the Sharkticon?"
"The drones didn't specify…"
"What did they specify then?"
"The Quintesson calls the Sharkticon "Shit-Head"," Optimus said.
Blackout played Tetris on his Game-Boy while the judge went over the rules. Scorponok kept reaching up and trying to snag his rotor blades in his claws. Barricade kept shooting him unamused glances. Finally, the competition started.
"Alright, so your pet is…"
"Shit-Head. His name is Shit-Head," the Quintesson replied.
"Shit-Head, right…So Shit-Head is a Sharkticon? What exactly is that?" the judge asked.
"Only the ugliest and dumbest creature known to the galaxy." They both watched as Shit-Head tried to eat himself. "See what I mean?"
"Okay…Optimus, examine the…Shit-Head…"
"I don't want to touch it! You do that!"
"You'll do it if you want to get paid!" she threatened.
"But you're not even paying me anything for this!"
"Just touch the damn thing!" Before Optimus could react, the Sharkticon jumped on him and started mauling him.
The next one up was Megatron and his brick. "So, what made you choose an inanimate object as your pet?" the judge asked.
"I don't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. And also I can do this with it," Megatron replied, hurling it at Optimus' shins.
"Fascinating!" she replied while they both watched Optimus writhing on the ground in pain.
Brawl was waiting at the next table. "How'd you even get in here?" she asked before skipping him over and approaching Jazz and Bumblebee. "Do I want to know?" she asked, watching Bumblebee walking in circles with his arms outstretched, making airplane sound effects.
"Jazz, you entered Bumblebee as your pet?" Optimus asked.
"Uh huh!" Jazz nodded.
"You're lucky he's stupid enough to go along with it," Optimus shook his head.
"I wanna be a aeroplane!" Bumblebee announced as he zipped by.
"Isn't he just precious?" Jazz admired.
They both quickly made their observations and went on to Barricade and Frenzy. "Hey! Nice paint job!" the judge said.
"Thanks!" Barricade replied, patting Frenzy on the head.
They continued on to Blackout and Scorponok. "Um…Blackout, is that a toupée?"
"Uh huh! Doesn't it make him look adorable?"
Scorponok lunged onto Optimus' head and started biting him. "Ah!! Get him off!! Get him off!! Why is he doing that?!" Optimus demanded.
"Don't know. He must not like you," Blackout shrugged.
The next competition had to do with the individual talents of the pets. The Quintesson went first. "Alright, for Shit-Head's talent, he will devour a full-grown mech in just 25 seconds. I'm gonna need a volunteer!"
"Next!!" Optimus quickly said.
"No, no, wait, I wanna see this one…" the judge countered.
"Uh-oh… Frenzy and I haven't prepared for this part of the competition!" Barricade panicked. "What should I have him do?"
"I don't know about you, but Scorponok's got a talent that will just blow the judge away!" Blackout bragged.
"Please tell me you don't still consider drinking out of the toilet a talent," Barricade begged.
"No, of course not! Something better than that!"
"Let's hope so…" Barricade sighed.
"Okay, thank you Quintesson and Shit-Head for that lovely display of…cannibalism," Optimus said. "Next!"
Megatron walked out with his brick. "Brick is going to do a trick for you… Speak, Brick!" The brick sat there and did absolutely nothing. "Roll over!" The brick sat there and did absolutely nothing. "Play dead!" The brick sat there and did absolutely nothing. "Sit there and do absolutely nothing!" The brick sat there and did absolutely nothing. "Good boy, Brick!"
"Well that was…kinda disturbing. Next!"
"Disturbing? You just watched a robot fish eat somebody!" Megatron protested while he got dragged off the stage.
Brawl walked onto the stage next. "What the hell is this? Brawl, I thought we asked security to throw you out! Where is security, anyway?"
"Eww, I don't want to touch him! His stupid will rub off on me!" Bonecrusher complained.
"You got Bonecrusher for security this year?" Optimus asked.
"Yeah. He works for free because he hates money."
Optimus slammed his head on the table and motioned for security to remove him and allow Jazz and Bumblebee to come on. "Alright Jazz, what are you making Bumblebee do this time?"
"Okay, okay, he's going to do something really amazing! Go ahead, Bumblebee! Show 'em!" Jazz said. Bumblebee pulled a spoon out of Hammerspace and made it stick to his face. "Isn't that the most awesomest thing you ever saw?"
"Yes, Jazz. It's amazing everytime he does it at breakfast, too," Optimus sighed. The judge, on the other hand, was clapping wildly. Jazz led Bumblebee, who still had a spoon stuck to his face, off the stage to make room for Frenzy. "Okay Barricade, what's he gonna do for us?"
"Frenzy is going to perform stand-up comedy. Be amazed," Barricade said.
"Okay. Go ahead."
Frenzy garbled something in Cybertronian that was mostly gibberish that no one else but Barricade could understand. Afterwards, Barricade (being the only one who knew what he'd just said) was the only one laughing. Everyone else exchanged glances and pretended to be amused.
"Okay, yes, thank you Frenzy… Alright, next contestant, Blackout and Scorponok."
They both walked onto the stage. Blackout waved to the camera. "Hi, Aunt Vertigo!" Scorponok waved to the camera as well and chirped, then started chasing his tail.
"Okay Blackout, what's Scorponok gonna do for us?"
"He's already doing it," Blackout said, watching Scorponok running in circles after his tail.
"He's chasing…his tail? That's his talent?" the judge asked.
"His other talent is drinking out of the toilet through a crazy straw, if you'd rather see that."
"No thank you. We'll stick with the tail-chasing," Optimus groaned.
After about five minutes of watching Scorponok chase his tail, he finally caught it. "That's my good boy! You're such a good Scorponok! Yes you are!" Blackout praised, rubbing Scorponok's tummy. Scorponok chirped in appreciation.
"I think we should have let the brick stay on longer," Optimus sighed.
"I don't know…my pet can never actually catch his tail," the judge replied.
"Your pet doesn't have a tail."
"Exactly why he can't catch it."
Finally, it came time for them to choose a winner. Everyone waited impatiently while the judge decided and Optimus put an ice pack on his shins, which had another encounter with Megatron's brick.
"What is with Lord Megatron and that god damn brick?" Blackout asked.
"I don't know. Maybe he's "special", like Brawl," Barricade replied.
"Hey, no one can be special like Brawl. Brawl makes Starscream look competent."
The judge walked out with Optimus limping behind her. Everyone else looked up interestedly. "Alright, we've narrowed it down to the three winners. For third place, Megatron and his pet, "Brick", because it was funny watching it hurt Optimus."
"Bitch," Optimus growled.
"Ooh, Lord Megatron only placed third… That's not gonna end good," Barricade winced.
The brick came flying out of nowhere and pelted Optimus upside the head, knocking him unconscious. "Ah, feck it! Fed up with, BRIIIICK!"
"Okay, that was funny," Blackout snickered.
"Second place goes to, Jazz and his "pet", Bumblebee, because that spoon thing was really awesome."
"See? I told you it wasn't a worthless talent! Hugs!" Jazz said, hugging Bumblebee, who barked in response.
"And for first place…Brawl!"
"Wait, I won? Really? I never win anything!" Brawl said excitedly.
"Brawl?! How the hell did Brawl win?" Blackout asked.
"Because he was relentless. You just gotta reward that kind of spirit!" she replied. "Okay, Brawl…Now that you've won, what are you going to do next?"
"I'm going to Disneyland!!" Brawl cheered.
"Well, we didn't win, but at least Frenzy got a wicked awesome new paintjob out of it!" Barricade smiled, holding up Frenzy to admire his armor.
"Oh yeah, about that… Hasbro called and said that he has to be blue," Blackout said.
"What do you mean, Frenzy has to be blue? That's Rumble's color, and besides, it's more of a purple," Barricade protested.
"That's what they said. They said, 'Frenzy is blue, Rumble is red.' Hey, I don't make this stuff up, that's what they said."
"Then tell Hasbro to go jump in Lake Erie, because Frenzy's obviously red."
"I'm not gonna tell them! They might make a pink repaint of me and name it after a Gobot in retaliation!"
"What's their problem?" Frenzy asked. Scorponok chirped in response. "I'm not sure either, that's why I asked you. Hey, wanna get some ice cream?" Scorponok squealed happily. "Alright, let's go then!"
Blackout and Barricade were too busy arguing over who was blue and who was red to notice the two walk away from them.
Three hours and a fist fight later...
"Ya know what? Maybe Frenzy's green," Blackout sighed from where he lay on the ground.
"Yeah, maybe," Barricade agreed.