The Tenth Doctor Owner's Guide

IMPORTANT!!

BEFORE ARRIVAL OF YOUR TENTH DOCTOR, PLEASE READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY!

Congratulations! You will soon be the proud owner of a TENTH DOCTOR! With the proper care shared in this guide, your TENTH DOCTOR will give you years and years of satisfaction and usefulness!

BEFORE USING:

Before enjoyment of your TENTH DOCTOR, pay close attention to some steps and recommendations that should increase the versatility of your TENTH DOCTOR.

Your TENTH DOCTOR will be sent to you via the use of a VORTEX MANIPULATOR (sold separately), in order for him to arrive to you as new as possible. When he reaches your doorstep, you will find that he will be disoriented and have a huge headache. In order to immediately bond with your TENTH DOCTOR, it is recommended that you offer him a cup of tea. It would be very beneficial to further bonding with your TENTH DOCTOR if you do not slap him (as stated in the NINTH DOCTOR'S Owner's Guide). After his cup of tea, he may randomly run out of your house in search of the TARDIS (sold separately). If you have not purchased a TARDIS previously, it is highly recommended at this stage in your connecting that you purchase a TARDIS immediately, as he cannot live without it (see below).

If you show some shreds of intelligence or a wild curiosity, your TENTH DOCTOR may ask you to travel with him in his TARDIS. This is considered as the start of your highly beneficial companionship with your TENTH DOCTOR.

Once he trusts you enough, your TENTH DOCTOR will give you a TARDIS KEY. With this TARDIS KEY you are capable of locking and unlocking the TARDIS doors!

NOTE: No assembly is required for your TENTH DOCTOR, as we transport him to you fully functional.

A: STATISTICS

Name: Unknown, commonly referred to as the Doctor (other alias' include John Smith, Theta Sigma, Dr. James McCrimmon, The Oncoming Storm and The Lonely God).

NOTE: It must be brought to your attention that if you happen to marry your TENTH DOCTOR, he may tell you his real name. However, this method of approach is not advised if you already have a significant other in your household.

Type: Rakish and somewhat eccentric space-time alien traveller.

Height: 6'1'' (6'3'' if counting hair).

Length: Although extensive research and questioning has been undertaken, we manufacturers have no idea of the limits your TENTH DOCTOR may have. He speaks in many languages, so never fear, those of non-English speech! Your TENTH DOCTOR will be able to understand you! Different responses are programmed into your TENTH DOCTOR, and reactions may vary from "What?!" to "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry".

Hair: Your TENTH DOCTOR'S hair is a dark brown colour that is often spiked up in a way that seems impossible. But feel free to experiment with how your TENTH DOCTOR'S hair is worn!

NOTE: We advise caution when mentioning the fact that your TENTH DOCTOR'S hair is not ginger, as this action may result in extreme sulking of your TENTH DOCTOR.

Eyes: While there has been some issues regarding the colour of your TENTH DOCTOR'S eyes, careful observation by the manufacturers has shown that they are indeed a brown colour. However, when placed in any situation that your TENTH DOCTOR may find infuriating or saddening, you will notice that his eye colour will change to an almost black colour. Study has revealed that this may be a by-product of the alien physiology of a TIME LORD.

B: STANDARD PARAPHERNALIA

Your TENTH DOCTOR will arrive to you with the following:

1. Brown Pinstripe Suit and Pants: Your TENTH DOCTOR has a peculiar clothing style, although not as eccentric as the FIFTH DOCTOR model, who is commonly found wearing a vegetable. The BROWN PINSTRIPE SUIT AND PANTS also comes with a brown tie and a white shirt. These are tailored and suitable for outdoor use. Also suitable for cold weather. For better views of your TENTH DOCTOR'S upper body, it is recommended that you and your TENTH DOCTOR travel to a desert, where you may be privy to the experience of a sweaty TENTH DOCTOR removing some of his clothing.

2. Blue Pinstripe Suit and Pants: You may not wish your TENTH DOCTOR to wear the same suit all the time, so we have thrown in a BLUE PINSTRIPE SUIT AND PANTS as well! Be sure to experiment to see which suit makes him look more dashing!

3. Trainers: Your TENTH DOCTOR loves wearing trainers. He will wear them with everything, so long as they are the matching colour. So, we have decided to add three different coloured trainers for your and your TENTH DOCTOR'S enjoyment! These colours are CREAM, BLACK and BURGUNDY, so feel free to mismatch to achieve your desired TENTH DOCTOR appearance.

4. Brown Overcoat of Swish: A must-have for any TENTH DOCTOR. Tailored, and suitable for any environment. Watching the way the corners of this overcoat swish with your TENTH DOCTOR'S movements will give you entertainment for years to come! This will make your TENTH DOCTOR increasingly sexy, for your delight! Your TENTH DOCTOR may also repeat that the coat was given to him by Janis Joplin. This claim has been unverified as of yet. A note of warning however: under no circumstances attempt to take this brown overcoat off your TENTH DOCTOR, as you may never be forgiven.

5. Sexy Geek Glasses: Can you imagine how geek chic your TENTH DOCTOR will look when he wears special SEXY GEEK GLASSES? Well, now there's no need to imagine, because these rectangular frame dark tortoiseshell glasses perched on your TENTH DOCTOR'S nose will be sure to make him as geeky and cute as they come! Keep in mind that your TENTH DOCTOR does not actually need SEXY GEEK GLASSES; he just wears them to make him look cool. With these glasses, he easily becomes the envy of nerds all over the world!

NOTE: The use of SEXY GEEK GLASSES can cause excessive TECHNOBABBLE(see below), so caution is advised.

6. Sonic Screwdriver: Your TENTH DOCTOR is not complete without his SONIC SCREWDRIVER. With over five thousand settings, every job you've ever thought impossible is suddenly easy! Ever wanted to fix that stereo system but couldn't figure out how? Let your TENTH DOCTOR do it for you! And never fear; intruders in your household will be easily removed with the help of the SONIC SCREWDRIVER! Need a little extra cash? No problem!

NOTE: The SONIC SCREWDRIVER does not work with wood.

DISCLAIMER: The manufacturers of your TENTH DOCTOR claim no liability for prosecutions and/or civil lawsuits arising from the use of your TENTH DOCTOR and SONIC SCREWDRIVER for household defence and/or the illegal gaining of money.

7. Tuxedo of Godliness: So you think your TENTH DOCTOR cannot get any sexier? You'll soon see how wrong you are when he wears the TUXEDO OF GODLINESS. This masculine suit will make your TENTH DOCTOR'S sexiness level rise dramatically! Take your TENTH DOCTOR out wearing the TUXEDO OF GODLINESS and be the envy of every woman in the neighbourhood!

NOTE: Research has shown that the wearing of the TUXEDO OF GODLINESS may cause a surplus of dangers to you, your TENTH DOCTOR, and Planet Earth. Caution is recommended.

8. Psychic Paper: The PSYCHIC PAPER will allow you to go places you've never been before! Ever want to go into secret military bases or secret research facilities? Ever wanted to be mistaken as the King and Queen of Belgium? Your TENTH DOCTOR'S PSYCHIC PAPER makes this easy! Coming with a free BLACK WALLET, the PSYCHIC PAPER is something that you can take anywhere!

NOTE: PSYCHIC PAPER does not work when wet, or when read by a person who is trained to resist it. PSYCHIC PAPER will also not work when shown to William Shakespeare.

Send in your most inventive use for your TENTH DOCTOR'S PSYCHIC PAPER, and the winner will automatically receive a CLOCKWORK MOUSE!

9. NEW: Mallet: Your TENTH DOCTOR enjoys fixing the TARDIS. One of his many ways to repair the TARDIS is to use PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE! Just watch as the TARDIS is suddenly fine and dandy after one good whack! You'll never need to worry about maintenance again!

NOTE: Excessive use of the MALLET by your TENTH DOCTOR may result in damages to your TARDIS model. Be prepared to confiscate if necessary.

Your TENTH DOCTOR will arrive to you wearing his BROWN SUIT AND PANTS, CREAM TRAINERS, and BROWN OVERCOAT OF SWISH. All other equipment can be found in the pockets of the BROWN OVERCOAT OF SWISH, because it is bigger on the inside, a fact that your TENTH DOCTOR will allow you to figure out before responding sarcastically that he hadn't noticed (which is copied also when a TARDIS is in the proximity).

C: USES

Your TENTH DOCTOR is incredibly versatile. Think of anything and your TENTH DOCTOR can do it. Some of the many uses are outlined here.

a. Space Travelling: Your TENTH DOCTOR knows all there is to know about Space Travelling. Wherever you need to go, whatever you need to do, your TENTH DOCTOR will be able to get you there. Want to see diamond coral reefs? Your TENTH DOCTOR will take you to the planet Gotta Floco!

NOTE: Your TENTH DOCTOR will only be able to get you to another planet with a TARDIS. Also, never ask to go to the planet Barcelona, because you will never get there. It has been deemed impossible by the manufacturers, who have experimented with possible ways to get there, none with positive results.

b. Time Travelling: Many alien species are capable of travelling to other planets, but your TENTH DOCTOR (with a TARDIS) is capable of travelling to different times as well. Ever wanted to see the Great Wall of China being built? Ever wanted to see your worst enemy as an old, wrinkly human? Well, now you can. Your TENTH DOCTOR, due to being a TIME LORD, is capable of knowing all of time. He will take you anywhere, at any time.

NOTE: To make the most of your Time and Space Travelling experience, it is wise to always bring spare clothes with you, as they may get ruined.

c. Genius: Your TENTH DOCTOR is smarter than anyone in the world. He is a TIME LORD, and this makes him have a larger brain than humans, capable of thinking far quicker. Need homework done? Can't figure out the latest crossword puzzle in your magazine? Your TENTH DOCTOR can help you!

NOTE: His intelligence also has a side affect, which is known as a SUPERIORITY COMPLEX. When your TENTH DOCTOR'S SUPERIORITY COMPLEX gets bad, you may hear him utter some disparaging and rude comments. The only cure for this is to bring your TENTH DOCTOR in proximity with a DONNA NOBLE, who will quickly dampen his ego with her own disparaging comments.

d. Repair: Your TENTH DOCTOR is capable of repairing anything. You need not fear when something is broken, just get your TENTH DOCTOR to fix it! There's nothing to it!

NOTE: If at all your TENTH DOCTOR states that he wishes to use PERCUSSIVE MAINTAINANCE, get him as far away from any breakables as possible.

e. Saving the World: Your TENTH DOCTOR saves the world on a daily basis. Never fear the evil alien spaceships up in the sky, for your TENTH DOCTOR'S first priority is to stop the destruction of planets and their inhabitants. Although this may sometimes take a while, it will always be done.

If you have an abstract or inventive use for your TENTH DOCTOR, send us a picture of your TENTH DOCTOR performing the task. Whoever comes up with the most unique task for their TENTH DOCTOR will win an honorary GALLIFREYAN TO ENGLISH dictionary!

D: GENERAL CARE

Something that must be remembered while caring for your TENTH DOCTOR is that your TENTH DOCTOR is an alien. His physiology is different from humans, and therefore differences must be observed to fully care for your TENTH DOCTOR.

Your TENTH DOCTOR is a GALLIFREYAN and a TIME LORD. This means that your TENTH DOCTOR has two hearts. There may come a time when your TENTH DOCTOR loses the function of one of his hearts due to an evil witch known as a CARRIONITE. In order to reduce the discomfort your TENTH DOCTOR may experience, the manufacturers advise that you ask which side of his chest to hit before you hit it.

Your TENTH DOCTOR also has a very low internal body temperature, so cold does not affect him as much as it does humans.

Your TENTH DOCTOR requires very little sleep. In the past, this has resulted in several rude awakenings of purchasers, who found that their TENTH DOCTOR model gets bored quite easily when you are asleep. Some purchasers have complained about the breakages of property by a bored TENTH DOCTOR, so we advise that you steal your TENTH DOCTOR'S TARDIS KEY and lock your TENTH DOCTOR in the TARDIS for the duration of your sleep.

Your TENTH DOCTOR is primarily an omnivore. Extensive research has shown that he will eat just about anything, with one exception. Under no circumstances should you give your TENTH DOCTOR a pear. Failure to comply with this will have your TENTH DOCTOR spitting and rinsing for days after, as well as giving you reproachful looks.

Your TENTH DOCTOR loves bananas. In this regard, he is just like a monkey; give him a banana, you've made a friend for life. Also, he loves edible ball bearings. Giving him either of these as treats will make your TENTH DOCTOR extremely happy.

Something you must keep in mind when caring for your TENTH DOCTOR is a childlike habit that causes him to try and taste everything he sees. This is known as an ORAL FIXATION, and the best cure for this so far is to smear pear over objects that your TENTH DOCTOR may wish to lick.

E: COMPATIBILITY

Your TENTH DOCTOR can be paired with many different models of both genders, with various results for each. It is suggested that you experiment to find the best possible pairing for your TENTH DOCTOR.

Some reactions have been noted:

POSITIVE REACTIONS

a. TARDIS: Your TENTH DOCTOR cannot function without a TARDIS. The TARDIS allows him to have his entertainment. Removal of this leads to boredom, and this can cause damage to your property. Pairing your TENTH DOCTOR with a TARDIS also allows you and your TENTH DOCTOR to travel through space and time. However, your TENTH DOCTOR failed his TARDIS driving test, and as a result he is an absolutely terrible pilot. This means that you have to be prepared to hang on for dear life when he smirks and pulls down a lever.

b. ROSE TYLER: Pairing your TENTH DOCTOR model with a ROSE TYLER model will make your TENTH DOCTOR much happier, but less careful when the end of the world is approaching. If your TENTH DOCTOR with a ROSE TYLER are both in proximity to a beach, you may notice both will become extremely miserable and will believe beyond all doubt that they will never see each other again. The only thing manufacturers suggest is to keep them both away from any beaches.

Also, utterance of the words BAD WOLF may lead to a beach. It is unwise to mention these words, DALEKS, or ALTERNATE UNIVERSE when both are around.

c. MICKEY SMITH: Pairing your TENTH DOCTOR with a MICKEY SMITH will result in a huge ego boost for your TENTH DOCTOR, and will increase the amount of rude comments your TENTH DOCTOR gives.

c. JACK HARKNESS: Pairing your TENTH DOCTOR with a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS will increase the amount of TECHNOBABBLE your TENTH DOCTOR speaks. And, if in proximity to MARTHA JONES, you and your TENTH DOCTOR may find yourselves at the end of the universe. However, your TENTH DOCTOR will also become more open.

d. MARTHA JONES: Pairing your TENTH DOCTOR with a MARTHA JONES will result in the easy healing of any wounds on your TENTH DOCTOR. She will also help heal your TENTH DOCTOR'S hearts because of the loss of ROSE TYLER. Your TENTH DOCTOR will also begin to talk about his home planet when MARTHA JONES encourages him.

e. DONNA NOBLE: Pairing your TENTH DOCTOR with a DONNA NOBLE will result in hours of entertainment for you in the form of excessively argumentative humour. Your DONNA NOBLE will quickly reduce the ego of your TENTH DOCTOR by way of rude and offensive comments.

f. ANYONE CALLED ALONSO: Pairing your TENTH DOCTOR with anyone called ALONSO will result in the giddy delight of your TENTH DOCTOR, and you will hear the merry words: "Allonsy Alonso!", before miraculously saving BUCKINGHAM PALACE from being destroyed by an overly large spaceship.

SOMEWHAT DUBIOUS REACTIONS

g. JACKIE TYLER: Reactions when your TENTH DOCTOR is paired with a JACKIE TYLER vary so much they cannot be predicted. However, a few things have been noted: if your TENTH DOCTOR greets JACKIE TYLER when ROSE TYLER is in the vicinity, JACKIE TYLER is much more likely to kiss him. If your TENTH DOCTOR is unconscious, JACKIE TYLER is likely to make a cup of tea. If your TENTH DOCTOR greets JACKIE TYLER without ROSE TYLER, the only advise we can give is make sure you and your TENTH DOCTOR are near a hospital.

F: WARNINGS

a. Domesticity: Your TENTH DOCTOR absolutely despises the domestic routine. If you find yourself at home with him for long periods of time, before long he will develop a glazed look in his eye and go looking for any form of entertainment. This could cause the breakages of any items found in your house. This could also mean that he will appear to have 'gone missing', to be found later in the day having saved the world yet again. This kind of recklessness is not recommended in your TENTH DOCTOR model, so it would be wise to ensure that your TENTH DOCTOR is fully entertained.

It has been mentioned by several purchasers that it is incredibly difficult to get your TENTH DOCTOR to help out around the house, so if you manage to get your TENTH DOCTOR to wash your dishes, make your bed and hang the clothes on the line, send us proof of this incredible feat and you will receive an UNLIMITED CREDIT CARD free!

b. Technobabble: Your TENTH DOCTOR, in any situation, may burst into a spontaneous montage of words that will make absolutely no sense to you. This is referred to as TECHNOBABBLE, and is common in any DOCTOR model. Some warning signs of this include the use of SEXY GEEK GLASSES and your TENTH DOCTOR taking a deep breath before launching into speech. And if you do not understand him, do not worry, because if you are lucky he will explain it to you after he babbles. If he does not explain it, or if you are getting annoyed because you do not understand the TECHNOBABBLE, an exclusive TECHNOBABBLE TRANSLATIONS FOR DUMMIES can be purchased at a minimum extra cost.

Note that if you do not stop him from continuing his TECHNOBABBLE, he may become oxygen-deprived. While his alien genetics will prevent his death, it is wise to exercise caution when using your TENTH DOCTOR'S TECHNOBABBLE for your own amusement.

c. TENTH DOCTOR Angst: Your TENTH DOCTOR is prone to serious and often debilitating angst if he feels he is too lonely. This is a serious problem that causes him to frown and sulk for long periods at a time. A fix for this is to pair your TENTH DOCTOR with companions, or to entertain him so much he forgets about any angst he is feeling.

NOTE: Any mention of your TENTH DOCTOR'S home planet will result in severe depression on your TENTH DOCTOR'S behalf, therefore it is unwise to casually bring up the topic unless HAROLD SAXON has become the PRIME MINISTER.

d. Trouble Magnet: Your TENTH DOCTOR has a default TROUBLE MAGNET, which cannot be removed. This TROUBLE MAGNET causes any type of trouble to reach your TENTH DOCTOR! To reduce the amount of times your TENTH DOCTOR is in danger, the manufacturers recommend that the TROUBLE MAGNET is turned off at all times.

However, if the TROUBLE MAGNET is turned on again after increased inactivity, you will find the trouble will arrive all at once, and this will cause extra stress for you and your TENTH DOCTOR. Exercise extreme care when handling your TENTH DOCTOR'S TROUBLE MAGNET.

e. Lovesick Disease: If your TENTH DOCTOR is in the proximity of a TARDIS and the FAMILY OF BLOOD (sold separately), you may hear the following:

"Did they see you?!"

"This watch is me."

This will be followed by the use of a CHAMELEON ARCH (standard with a TARDIS model), and your TENTH DOCTOR will become a human. Soon after, you will notice that your TENTH DOCTOR will start babbling and fall down a flight of stairs, before randomly falling in love with someone unknown to everybody.

If any of these symptoms are observed, you must open the FOB WATCH (sold separately) that your TENTH DOCTOR gave you. If you cannot find the FOB WATCH, search for a TIMOTHY LATIMER who will have surely stolen it.

The end result for this would be the eternal imprisonment of the FAMILY OF BLOOD, a heartbroken nurse, and three months of your time wasted.

So, if at all possible, avoid the combination of a TARDIS and the FAMILY OF BLOOD.

f. Bye Bye Hand!

If your TENTH DOCTOR comes into contact with any SYCORAX, his right hand will spontaneously be cut off, to be found later inside a jar wielded by a CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS. This hand will then result in your TENTH DOCTOR being aged nine hundred years so he looks like a dwarf, which will hopefully be reverted with the use of the ARCHANGEL NETWORK. After this, though, the hand will come in handy. If your TENTH DOCTOR ever needs to regenerate, he will heal himself and force the energy into his hand, which will no doubt result in a HUMAN DOCTOR being formed as DONNA NOBLE touches the jar. This will save the world again, but will cause your TENTH DOCTOR to dump your ROSE TYLER with the HUMAN DOCTOR on a parallel world and leave them there forever. It is advised that, if you come into contact with the hand in the jar, you hide it from your TENTH DOCTOR for as long as possible.

g. Cassandra-itis

If your TENTH DOCTOR comes into the proximity of a BUTT-CASSANDRA, he may unexplicitely begin acting like a woman. If this occurs, you may hear the following:

"Oh, yum! So many parts!"

"You've been looking... you like it!"

This will be followed by immediate danger as you and your TENTH DOCTOR are chased by all the diseases in the universe. The only way to halt the womanliness of your TENTH DOCTOR is to place him near CHIP (sold separately). When CHIP says "I'm a walking doodle!" you know your TENTH DOCTOR has returned back to normal. However, your TENTH DOCTOR will be left disgusted and slightly scared of any demanding woman for the near future.

We hope you enjoy your TENTH DOCTOR.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

I read a manual while watching Doctor Who. Go figure. :D

Hope you all enjoyed it!