BATMAN AND ROBIN ON TITANIC
Ext. Dock at Southampton
A new, 1912 Renault pulls up, horn honking wildly. Out step millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson. The driver, Alfred Pennyworth, steps from the front.
Bruce ignores him, too busy staring at another brand new 1912 Renault that has just pulled up.
Bruce turns toward him.
Alfred: What do you want to have done about the car, sir? I can't exactly drive it up on board, and your...ah...evening garb is in the trunk.
Bruce: Oh, just give some money to one of these...uh...these stewards. I'm sure they'll put the car in the cargo hold.
Alfred: Very good, sir.
The door opens on the other Renault. A young red-headed woman in a purple boarding suit steps out.
Dick: Look! It's Poison Ivy.
A man of about thirty years of age with cold eyes steps out of the car.
Dick: And Mr. Freeze!
The man, Caledon Hockley, grabs the arm of the young woman, Rose Dewitt Bukater, and pulls her along to the boarding ramp, praising the ship the whole way.
Bruce: And he's not even being poisoned by her!
Int. Pub Near Southampton Waterfront
Four young men, two Swedes, an American, and an Italian, sit playing poker. They are just about to reveal who has the winning hand when a strangely dressed man with a heavy accent joins them.
Mr. Freeze: Mind if I sit in?
The poker players start to object, but Freeze freezes the two Swedes. The American, Jack Dawson, and the Italian, Fabrizio di Rossi, have no further objections. Freeze grabs the two Swedes cards.
Freeze: Two pair. Can you beat that?
Jack: Full house!
He and Fabrizio grab the tickets and run, before Freeze can turn them into icebergs. Freeze chases after them, but is hampered by his cold suit.
Freeze: Why did I ever decide to go swimming in the North Atlantic?
Jack and Fabrizio board the ship just as the ramp is about to be pulled up. Freeze catches up a minute later.
Freeze: Let me on, or I will kick your ice.
The officer complies. A moment later, a red-headed woman wearing a dress made from green leaves appears at the ramp.
Poison Ivy: You'll let me on, won't you? (blows pheromone dust in the officer's face)
Officer: Of course, you lovely thing. You can share my cabin.
Poison Ivy: I'd rather have it all to myself.
Officer: Sure. I can sleep up on deck.
Ext. Titanic's Deck—Night
Rose runs frantically down the deck, sobbing. She trips over the officer sleeping on deck.
Rose: Don't presume to get in my way!
She resumes running. When she reaches the stern, she climbs over the railing and prepares to jump.
Jack: Don't do it!
Rose: Don't presume to tell me what to do!
She looks down at the water, where Mr. Freeze is skinny dipping behind the ship.
Rose: On second thought, help me back over.
Jack tries to help her back over, but she slips. As she screams in terror, Batman and Robin appear at the railing. Batman grabs Rose's hand, and shoves Jack out of the way. He pulls her back over, then snaps a pair of Bat-handcuffs on her.
Batman: You're under arrest.
Rose: What? Don't be absurd. (looks at his molded rubber costume, with its exaggerated nipples, codpiece, and buttpiece) You should be arrested—by the fashion police. (she bursts out laughing)
Batman is deeply offended.
Cal arrives on the scene. He looks at Batman, Robin, and Jack, trying to decide who is responsible. Deciding that Robin looks the most seedy, he demands that he be arrested.
Robin: Hey! I'm one of the good guys.
The Master-at-Arms looks Robin over, smirks, then lets him go. Robin is deeply offended.
Robin: It's not that funny!
The Master-at-Arms ignores him.
Batman: This is Poison Ivy, a notorious felon. She stole several pieces of fine art in France before boarding the Titanic with Mr. Freeze.
Rose: My name is Rose Dewitt Bukater. You have no right to arrest me!
Batman: You're a felon, "Rose". And your very pseudonym just proves that you're Poison Ivy. (he turns to Cal) I'm going to be watching you, Freeze. Don't try anything.
Just then, Mr. Freeze climbs over the railing, having put his suit back on.
Freeze: Don't try what?
Batman looks from Mr. Freeze to Cal in confusion.
Batman: My apologies, sir. I thought you were someone else. (to Freeze) Anything.
Batman starts to drag Rose off to the Master-at-Arms office. Cal stops him.
Cal: What is she being arrested for?
Batman: She stole some fine paintings in France.
Cal: Stole? I thought she paid for them with the money I gave her.
Batman: No, she just kept the money and stole the paintings.
Cal: No wonder those paintings seemed so cheap!
Batman: You're lucky we caught her. If she touches you, you'll be poisoned.
Cal considers this, wondering why he's never been poisoned before. Robin looks at Rose longingly, thinking he'd be willing to be poisoned by her.
Batman drags Rose off. Cal watches them go. Rose shouts to Cal.
Rose: You unimaginable bastard!
Batman: Watch your language.
Ext. Master-at-Arms Office
Batman drags Rose inside, just as the real Poison Ivy walks out. Batman stares at her in consternation.
Batman: My apologies, miss. I seem to keep arresting the wrong people tonight. (he frees Rose)
Rose: Do tell.
Batman looks around, but Poison Ivy has vanished.
Int. Rose's Room
Cal apologizes profusely to Rose. Rose just sits in sullen silence. Cal brings out a gift he bought for Rose.
Cal: Open your heart to me, Rose.
Rose stares at the diamond.
Rose: You seriously believed what that walking rodent said about me.
Cal: Well, he was rather persuasive.
Rose: I'll think about it.
Ext. Night—Two Days Later—Bow
Jack and Rose run off toward Rose's stateroom. Mr. Freeze takes their place at the bow.
Freeze: I'm the king of the world!
He drops his freeze gun into the water. A huge iceberg promptly rises up. Titanic runs into it.
Ext. Night—Near Boats
Cal puts his coat on Rose. Something falls out of the pocket.
Freeze: That diamond could power my suit for years!
Rose: Take it!
Cal: Hey! That's mine!
Freeze freezes Cal using his spare freeze gun. He grabs the diamond and runs. Batman tries to apprehend him.
Batman: Freeze! You're mad! That diamond has a curse on it!
Freeze: Freeze, Batman. Or I will kick your ice.
Jack grabs the diamond from Freeze.
Batman, Freeze, Rose: Hey!
Jack: Sorry. I need it more than he does.
Rose shoves Jack overboard. Freeze shoves Batman overboard. Poison Ivy appears, grabs the diamond (which Jack dropped when Rose attacked him), and tries to kiss Robin. Robin jumps overboard. Poison Ivy and Rose get into a fight over the diamond. They both fall overboard. Everyone winds up in an empty lifeboat.
Jack and Rose decide they still love each other, so they forget about the diamond and snuggle. Cal climbs on board, still half-frozen, tries to clobber Mr. Freeze, and hits Robin instead. Mr. Freeze drops his spare freeze gun overboard. Titanic stops sinking, now frozen in the ice. Poison Ivy blows pheromone dust at Cal. He gives her the diamond and all his money. Batman tries to arrest Cal, Freeze, Ivy, and Jack, only to slip and hit his head the ice, where he lies, out cold (pardon the pun).
The Carpathia arrives and takes everyone on board except Mr. Freeze, who decides to swim to America. Batman arrests everyone, including Jack, Rose, Cal, Robin, and Bruce Ismay.
Rose left Jack and became Batgirl. She eventually went bad, married the Joker, and spent the next eighty-four years terrorizing the world. Jack escaped from prison, teamed up with Poison Ivy, and became the Riddler. Cal, still half-frozen, became Two-Face. He made decisions by flipping the Heart of the Ocean, which he had stolen from Poison Ivy. Alfred married Ruth DeWitt Bukater. Robin died, was reincarnated, and came back as Bill Clinton, finally getting all the female attention he wanted. Mr. Freeze became the governor of California.
Ext. Spotlight on Titanic—Night
Jack, Rose (dressed as Batgirl), Cal, and the Joker run into the spotlight, followed by Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy. Suddenly Robin appears, with fifteen lawyers and the entire Republican Congress on his heels. They are followed by Monica Lewinsky and two million screaming teenagers (fans of Leonardo DiCaprio and Chris O'Donnell). Batman chases all of them, still trying to put them under arrest. Their weight is too much for the ship, and it splits. Mr. Freeze drops his gun into the water again, and everyone becomes a giant iceberg.
Fade to black.