The other day, I was sitting on the couch, eating ice cream and rereading Eclipse to get ready for August 2. I get to my favorite scene (where Bella tries to seduce Edward) and at that exact second, an ad for The 40-Year-Old Virgin comes on the television. So, BAM! I get this amazing idea. What if Edward were in the situation Steve Carell was in? This chapter is an introduction of sorts to the story of Emmett and Jasper's attempts to get Edward laid. There will definitely be more to come. So, without farther delay...enjoy The 100-Year-Old Virgin.
Disclaimer: I don't own either the Twilight Universe or The 40-Year-Old Virgin. They belong to their respective owners. I am merely twisting the plot lines for my own amusement.
Emmett's Point of View
I hate horror movies. I mean, after a hundred plus years, serial killers chasing teenagers through the woods gets kind of old. Especially since said serial killers wouldn't be able to hurt anyone in my family; just one of the many perks of being immortal.
My family was gathered in our living room, some boring 1980s movie playing on the plasma screen in front of us. A girl had just been hacked to pieces by some machete-wielding psycho. The blood didn't even look real. Pathetic.
"Is anyone actually watching this?" Bella questioned the group, though she never took her golden eyes off the screen. The response was a resounding no. "Then why is it still on?"
"I really don't know," Carlisle told her. His eyes were still glued to the television as well.
We fell silent for a brief moment.
Finally, Alice broke the silence. "Can we please do something else?" Without waiting for an answer, she reached over, snatched the remote control from the table, and flicked the television off.
"Now what?" I asked, looking around hoping someone would give me an idea. When no one replied, I leaned forward and grabbed the Rubik's Cube off the coffee table. I played with it for about fifteen seconds before I had solved it, so I placed it back where it was. "I wish that thing was harder."
"That's what she said," Edward mumbled under his breath, so quietly I wasn't completely sure I heard him correctly.
"What was that, Edward?" Jasper asked him, a smirk beginning to spread across his face. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who heard it.
"What?" Edward asked in response.
"I could have swore you just made a 'that's what she said' joke," Jasper explained.
"I thought he did, too," Alice added.
I threw in a "dido" for good measure.
"Wow," Rosalie said, earning a glare from Edward. "The 100-year-old virgin made a sex joke. Bravo, Edward."
"Rosalie," Esme warned.
"Hey, Bella, did you ever hear the story of when Jasper and I tried to get Edward laid?" I asked my newest sister. When she shook her head, I continued. "Well then you're in for a treat. It all started in 2001 when were still in Denali. We were bowling-"
Jasper interrupted me, "No, we were playing pool."
Edward shook his head, grimacing at the memory. "We were playing cards," he corrected us.
"Oh yeah," I amended, "we were playing cards."
"I'll just tell the story," Edward announced. "If you are that intent on humiliating me, Bella might as well hear the correct story."
We all settled in to listen to what was probably the greatest tale Cullen family history.