# # # presenting with an overly dramatic header # # #


THE LAST PHONE CALL


Written by: Lavanya Six


(please don't sue)


# # # a crack-a-licious one-shot # # #


It was a bright, sunny day. Ryoji Kaji could care less. He had a phone call to make, THE phone call to make.

"Hi there!" cheered Misato's recording on the answering machining. "I'm not here right now so leave a message at the beep."

My last assignment. Kaji studied the NERV ID in his hand and waxed philosophical, It's red, just like blood… he looked up, out the phone booth, into the sky… it's blue, just like Glacier Freeze flavored Gatorade… he looked at a car driving along the road… it's black, ju— well, not black exactly. Maybe a smoky midnight? Dark grey? Off-black? Can there be an off-black? There's an off-white color so there ought to an off-black. It's off-black, just like… shit, where'd the car go? Did it drive off already? He glanced askew at the receiver in his other hand. And why hasn't Misato's answering machine beeped yet? I've been being all deep and shit for, like, ten minutes.

BEEP

Ah, there we go.

"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure you're listening to this message after I've been murdered— shit, do I want to say that? It's a little heavy for a last— OH FUCK! IT'S STILL RECORDING! Misato! Misato! Disregard this message! Just erase… shit."

BEEP

The computerized voice then asked, "If you would like to hear your message, press 1. If you would like to erase you message and record a new message, press 2. If you—"

Kaji pressed "2" with all his might.

"…Thank you," said the answer machine. "Your message has been erased. Please record your message at the tone."

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me," he breathed into the phone. "Before I say anything else, I want you to know you've been a beacon of light to me, you are absolutely the breast woman I've known in my— GODDAMN IT!" He stabbed the number "2" on the touchtone phone.

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me," he breathed into the phone. "Before I say anything else, I want you to know you've been a beacon of light to me, you are absolutely the breast woman— FUCK ME! I DID IT AGAIN!" He pounded "2".

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me. Before I say anything else, I want you to know you've been a beacon of clitoris to me OH MOTHERFU—"

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure by the time you're listening to this message I've caused you a lot of trouble. I'm sorry. Please tell Rit-chan I'm sorry too. Especially for that night back in college when we set her up with that transsexual from Spain. Heh. Good times. But, um, actually? On second thought? Don't tell her that. Or about those nudie photos of her we took and put on the internet under the name Goldie Drapes. In fact, don't bring up anything we did to her, which was a lot… okay, I'm completely off topic."

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure by the time you're listening to this message I've caused you a lot of trouble. I'm sorry. Please tell Rit-chan I'm sorry too. I guess. Well, not really. After all, she's an evil bitch who's working with Ikari to bring about the ruin of mankind." He paused. "Too much? Yeah."

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure by the time you're listening to this message I've caused you a lot of trouble. I'm sorry. Please tell Rit-chan I'm sorry too. And there's one more thing to trouble you with. I've been growing… watermelons. Jeez, that sounded dirty. Let's try that again."

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure by the time you're listening to this message I've caused you a lot of trouble. I'm sorry. Please tell Rit-chan I'm sorry too. And there's one more thing to trouble you with. I've been growing… flowers. I'd appreciate it if you could water them for me. Shinji can show you my flowers… okay, that last part sounded less incredibly dirty in my head." He paused. "Not gay."

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure by the time you're listening to this message I've caused you a lot of trouble. I'm sorry. Please tell Rit-chan I'm sorry too. And there's one more thing to trouble you with. I've been growing… flowers. I'd appreciate it if you could water them for me. Shinji knows where they are. Katsuragi, the truth is—CHARCOAL! That car was charcoal colored! Oohhhhh! Man, don't you hate it when you have something on the tip of your tongue but you just can't say it? Okay, off-topic again. My bad."

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure by the time you're listening to this message I've caused you a lot of trouble. I'm sorry. Please tell Rit-chan I'm sorry too. And there's one more thing to trouble you with. I've been growing… flowers. I'd appreciate it if you could water them for me. Shinji knows where they are. Katsuragi, the truth is with you. Don't hesitate! Move forward! If I see you again, I'll tell you I lov— shit, no. Not smooth, Kaji. Gotta be more enigmatic and shit with your last phone call to the girl of your dreams. Okay… one more time, FOR THE WIN!"

BEEP

"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure by the time you're listening to this message I've caused you a lot of trouble. I'm sorry. Please tell Rit-chan I'm sorry too. And there's one more thing to trouble you with. I've been growing… breasts. I'd appreciate it if you could water them for me. Shinji knows where they are. Katsuragi, the truth is with you. Don't hesitate! Move forward! If I see you again, I'll say the words that I couldn't say eight years ago. Bye."

Kaji hung up the phone with a sly grin. "Still got it."