Shego just couldn't find her boss, Doctor Drakken, anywhere. When they went shopping at the local Smarty Mart, the blue lummox usually ended up wandering off after five minutes. This time, it had only taken three. But unlike usual, she didn't find him in the electronics. Nor did she find him in the hardware section. After spending ten minutes looking for him, growing ever frustrated and angry, she found him in the produce section. Alone. Talking to himself.
"…and then in sixth grade I made a battery that could also double as a spring. I used it to-"
"You aren't doing that weird thing where you talk to and answer yourself again, are you? 'Cause I don't wanna have to get a restraining order for you against you again," Shego said as she walked up to the doctor. Drakken turned around with a big smile on his face while holding something in his hand.
"Shego! Look! I've made a friend!" Drakken held out whatever was in his hand for Shego to look at. She took it, gave it a once over, then looked back at her boss with a raised eyebrow.
"What? It's a potato. Ya know what a tatter is, right? Po-ta-to. Boil 'em, mash 'em, maybe stick 'em in a stew or somethin'," Shego replied, tossing the large tuber up and down.
Drakken gasped and snatched the potato from her in mid-toss.
"That's no way to treat a lady," he said with narrowed eyes. He then turned his attention to the potato. "Are you okay?" The potato sat in his hand doing nothing. "Good. Now then, how would you like to come home with us?"
"Oh no ya don't!" Shego snatched the potato back from him and put it back on the large pile. "You are NOT going to start talking to inanimate objects on my watch. That's just too weird, even for you."
"I'm the boss."
"No, I'M the boss. You just like to think ya are, genius."
Calling him a genius, even in a sarcastic tone, seemed to quiet him down, though he still wore a sour expression. Shego sighed and started to rub her head with her hands.
"If you'll stop the moping, I'll let you get a toy or somethin'."
That made Drakken immediately perk up. "Oh! I know just what I want! There's this new death ray…at this secret government lab…and it does all of this cool stuff. Like shooting deadly rays and auto-targeting and firing big missiles and-"
"Okay! I get the idea! Let's just buy this stuff and go back to the lair." Shego turned around and started to head for the checkout line. Noticing her boss wasn't behind her, she stopped and turned around. He was still by the potatoes, messing with his lab coat. "Oy! Blue boy! I'm gonna leave without ya if you don't hurry up."
"I'm coming," he grumbled, taking one last look at the potato pile before walking toward her.
Later, they were on their way back to the lair with the hovercraft filled with groceries. Drakken was starting to rant on what he would do with the death ray once it was in his possession when he suddenly stopped and jerked his head toward his lab coat. He reached into it and started to look through the pockets.
Shego noticed out of the corner of her eye what he was doing. "What, did ya lose somethin' in there?"
Drakken ignored her and continued searching. After another couple of minutes of looking (during which Shego made three sarcastic remarks on sexually harassing himself), he gave a triumphant look and pulled out-
"You're joking me. Ya stole a potato? Wow. This is really gonna get you into the villain's hall of fame, isn't it?"
"Ice the lip, Shego. Huh? What was that?" Drakken put his ear close to the tuber for a second, then backed away a little, blushing. "Uh…gee, thanks…I think. Hehe. You look pretty good, too."
Shego nearly crashed the hovercraft at the last comment. She struggled to regain control of the car as Drakken held the potato close to his chest and covered it with his arms. The craft bounced off of a couple of trees before Shego managed to pull it up into the sky. Once she straightened their vehicle out, she switched on the autopilot and turned to her boss.
"You did not just hit on the potato, did you? That's just sad."
"Hey! Patata hit on me first."
"And you've named it? I think I might hafta start setting up blind dates for you. Whoa, wait, you didn't deny hitting on it? Drakken, it's a potato. Say it with me: po-ta-to. It's a plant. It DOES NOT talk, therefore it DID NOT hit on you," Shego said.
"Well, she's talking to me! She's from Peru and is worried about making friends here. So I want to take her home," Drakken replied.
"Shouldn't it worry you that you're the only one that hears it talking?"
"Why would it? And she's not an it, she's a she."
"…I'm gonna regret letting you do this. I just know it. However, I don't care enough right now to actually do anything. Go ahead and have fun with your little tuber friend. Just don't come cryin' to me when IT starts to get moldy," Shego said. She turned the auto-pilot off and started to drive the craft back to the lair.
Several hours later, Shego really was starting to regret letting him keep the potato. He'd given it one of the spare bedrooms and had done several disconcerting things, such as dancing with it, snuggling on the couch while watching his special edition 'Snowman Hank' collection, and singing a love song to it on his home karaoke set (Shego had promptly stuffed the microphone in his mouth when she discovered what the horrid noise was).
When it came time to steal the death ray, he kept assuring it that they would be back soon, not to worry, and that there were peanut butter stickies in the fridge. The entire way there, he kept fretting over whether it was going to forgive him for leaving it and the entire way back he was jumping for joy at the thought of seeing it again. Shego was nearly ready to puke at all of the mushy crap that kept spewing forth from his mouth. When they got back, he jumped out of the hovercraft and ran to check on it, leaving her to unload their newly stolen death ray. She hauled it into the main room where Drakken was busy saying sweet nothings to the starchy vegetable.
"Seriously, Drakken, it's been several hours! Snap out of it already," Shego said as she wiped her brow. She was honestly starting to wonder if he'd finally lost his mind and she just hadn't noticed. "It's a potato! You eat them. Remember the mashed potatoes we had last night? They could've been its cousins or somethin'."
"Shego! Are you trying to make me sick?" Drakken said as he sent her a glare. "That's just wrong. Anyway, I'm going to give up eating potatoes from now on. And…uh…actually…" Drakken turned his attention back to the potato, his expression softening and his face blushing slightly, "I think…I love you…" The potato still just sat in his hand, doing nothing. Drakken's face became a mask of pure ecstasy, and he jumped up and started to dance with the potato. "Oh, this is a dream come true!" Drakken stopped dancing and gave it a moony look. He slowly lowered his face to the potato and started to tenderly kiss it.
Shego, meanwhile, was absolutely horrorstruck. How could she have let this happen? Her boss had completely lost his mind from loneliness or something like that and she hadn't even noticed. She couldn't even come up with a sarcastic remark. An unfamiliar feeling crept into her stomach and flopped around. Was it guilt, remorse, or just the incredibly sick feeling of seeing a fully-grown man making out with a large, brown plant? She wasn't sure.
Suddenly, the front door of the lair burst open and there stood Team Possible, ready to rumble.
"You won't get away…with…this…?" Kim sputtered, her usual phrases faltering at the odd sight her eyes beheld.
"Hey, is it time for dinner already? I thought we just ate," Ron said as he scratched his head in confusion.
Drakken looked up and then jerked his head to match the direction his eyes were turned. "Kim Possible?! What are you doing here?"
"She's here for the death ray, remember? Anyway…you can have it. We have a bit of a crisis brewing here that's more important," Shego said.
"WHAT?! What crisis?" Drakken said as he cradled the potato in his arms.
"THAT crisis. The potato crisis!" Shego said, pointing an accusing finger at the offending tuber.
"Uh…okay…out of curiosity, why is the potato a crisis?" Ron asked as Kim grabbed the death ray and started to drag it out of the lair.
"Because Drakken's fallen in love with it."
This made Kim drop the death ray and Rufus squeak in surprise. Ron, however, kept the same expression. "Say what? I don't get it."
"I told you, Patata hit on me first."
Suddenly, Ron seemed to make the connection. "Ew! That's so SICK and WRONG! A potato? Is there even a word for that? I know there's a word for that stuff I read about Shego and Rufus on the Internet, but a POTATO?"
Kim turned to Ron with a look of shock on her face. "What did you just say?"
"Uh…oops…well, I was just curious…"
Kim grabbed the death ray's handle and looked at Shego. "Good luck on your crisis. I think we'll be having one of our own," Kim said, saying the last part with a bit of anger and sending a scalding glance at Ron, who gulped in pure fear. She then grabbed her boyfriend with her free hand while she dragged the death ray behind her.
"Anyway, what do you mean a potato crisis? Patata loves me and I love Patata. It's as simple as that," Drakken said, still cradling the potato like a newborn and sending it a loving glance.
"Drakken, IT'S A POTATO. I hate to say it, but I agree with the sidekick. It's just so wrong."
"I don't care! I love her."
Suddenly, Shego was struck by an idea. It was a bit harsh, but in desperate times…
"You know what? You're right."
Drakken opened his mouth to protest, but then realized that she had agreed with him. "Wait a minute. You NEVER agree with me." Drakken narrowed his eyes. "What are you playing at?"
"Well, I believe in true love. If your true love is a potato, then I guess you'll live happily ever after and, as your friend, I should encourage you in your happiness."
Drakken was completely taken aback. "…are you serious? Shego, that's…that's so nice of you. Oh? What's that?" Drakken lowered his ear to the potato and a grin slowly spread across his face. "Shego! Patata wants you to be her maid of honor." He sent the potato another loving glance.
Shego's fake-as-fool's-gold smile faltered at that statement, but she was able to recover before Drakken noticed. "Oh yeah, sure I'll be the maid of honor! It's the least I can do for you two."
"Splendiferous! Now, it's been a long day and I'm tired. I'm going to put Patata to bed and then go to sleep myself. Have a good night, Shego."
"Good night, Drakken," Shego said, turning away from him so he wouldn't see her evil smile.
In the morning, Drakken woke to the delicious smell of eggs, bacon, and numerous other breakfast items. He walked into the kitchen to find Shego wearing the pink apron that she wore when she had been under the mind control chip.
"Uh, Shego? Why are you wearing an apron and cooking?"
"I was doing it as a 'congratulations' sorta thing, but Patata said that she had to go. She was talking about 'free spirit' stuff and said that you would understand."
"Oh. That's…meeeehhhhh…" Drakken said, his eyes starting to water.
"Cheer up, Drew! You'll find someone else. Or something else. Here, have a scone," Shego said, holding up a plate with several large triangular biscuits on it. Drakken took one and slowly nibbled on it, trying to keep the tears from flooding. After his second scone, several pieces of bacon, and a small plate of eggs, Drakken let out a heartbroken sigh.
"Do you think I'll ever get to see her again?" Drakken said, taking a glance out the window.
"I'm sure ya will someday," Shego said. After Drakken went back to his room to get ready for the day, Shego added, under her breath and with an evil smirk, "most likely in a day or two."
Just in case you're wondering, a scone is a biscuit of sorts that can be made using potatoes. Yes, I realize this was sick and wrong, but if you really want to blame someone, you can blame Drakken for falling in love with the potato in the first place. Now then, go ahead and start beating me in the head with the beating sticks. I deserve it. Oh, but before you do, you may want to check out Mr. MaceEcam's stories. He was the beta for this and made sure it was just over-the-top enough for the KPverse not to immediately reject it.
I would also like to say that I just wrote stuff. The only thing I looked up was the bit about the scones. Review if you want.