by Gunman

Disclaimer: I do not own Black Lagoon or it's characters.

Summary: Rock gets the shock of his life when he finds out he is married... to Revy!


(Bougainvillea Trading Company, late evening Monday.)

"Is there anything else, Boris?" Balalaika asked, bored, as she set down the stack of papers. This is so tedious! I wish Rock was here to manage this. She thought. Then another thought came to her mind. I wonder if I could hire him on as my permanent staff? It's not like my previous secretaries and assistants were much better. Especially when they thought they could cheat me! She thought with exceptional irritation.

"Actually, there is one last bit of business, captain." Boris said as he set a file down in front of her.

"What's this?" she asked.

"Official Residency papers." he said.

"You have got to be kidding me!" she groaned. "Why would you bring such an unimportant piece of paper to my attention? I'm not a damn bureaucrat!"

However this was not exactly true.

Because Roanapur was basically a city of crime and vice, the major cartel leaders, such as Balalaika, were often looked-to and called-upon to deal with certain issues that pertained to their welfare and livelihood. This included 'affairs of state', which was the situation right now.

"Because it concerns Mr Okajima." Boris said.

That got the Russian woman's attention. "What?"

"He filed for residency about two months ago, shortly after his joining the Lagoon Couriers."

Balalaika looked at the document and brooded over it.

This is no good! Roanapur may be a hive of criminal activity, but there are certain things that have to follow a set procedure, in order to be 'legal'. It'll take weeks to get this properly filed, especially since there are other people in line for residency and given that Japan has already declared him dead. Like that matters. I could easily push him to the front of the line, but unless there was some special... wait! She gasped as something in the fine print caught her eye. She grinned evilly, so much so that Boris backed up when she saw it.

"Uh... captain?" he asked the woman.

"Boris! I have a way to process this faster. If we hurry, we can get Rock's approval by tomorrow."

"Really? So soon? But how?"

She smiled again, which made the battle-hardened Russian sergeant balk.


(The Streets of Roanapur, just before noon Tuesday)

"GOD DAMN IT ROCK! STOP RUNNING!!" Revy shouted as she charged down main street, guns in hand and her quarry in sight.

"Not Until You Stop Trying To Kill Me!" Rock shouted as he leaped over a fruit cart to avoid tripping over it or crashing into it. He just couldn't afford to slow down now.

Through the streets of Roanapur, Rock continued running as everyone around hit the dirt when they saw Two-Hands coming. The Japanese salaryman did his best to avoid the more densely populated areas, mostly by ducking down alleyways and side streets. However, this put him down the narrow corridors where Revy's bullets would have a more efficient time striking their target. Despite this, he kept running.

Eventually Revy cornered Rock in an alley and had a gun pressed up against his temple.

"Tell me why you did it!" she growled at him.

"I didn't!" he replied.

"LIAR!" she snapped.

"Revy, please! Do you really think I would do something like this to you without telling you first?" he asked as he stared straight into her eyes.

Revy's eyes didn't waver as she stared hard into his soft brown spheres. Her gun hand started to shake, and eventually dropped to her side.

"No... you wouldn't." she said, feeling her killing intent drain from her body. "But I still want to know how we ended up married!"

"You're not the only one." he said as he walked up close to her, sure she wouldn't kill him. At least now, anyway.

Just then the Roadrunner pulled up next to the alley entrance.

"Well. Looks like Revy hasn't killed him yet." Dutch said from the passenger seat of the red car.

"Wonder what Rock said to save his bacon this time?" Benny wondered, a pair of pale blond-haired children popping their heads out from the back seat of the car.

"Don't know. But considering why she was chasing him, it had to have been a whopper!" Dutch replied as the two people in question started walking back to the car.

"Is daddy alright?" Gretel asked as she stared outside the back window.

"Yeah, kid. Daddy's fine." Dutch nervously answered the pale-faced girl behind him.

And so's mommy, apparently. Benny thought with a chuckle.


It started when Rock's papers for being an official citizen in Roanapur came in the morning mail. At first Rock was glad that his residency had finally been approved, until he realized why it had been approved so quickly. Apparently there was a proviso in the documentation which stated that anyone seeking residency in Roanapur could become a full citizen quicker... if they were married to someone who was already a resident.

And since Rock was a member of the Lagoon Couriers a majority of the time, the person he was in constant contact with overall, who was female, was Revy. So as a result... Rock and Revy were named an official married couple.

What made this worse, was that Revy also received a letter in the mail the same day stating that she and Rock were now a legally married couple.

Even though she didn't find out about this until noon, when she finally woke up, the second she read her own mail, she hit the roof.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'MARRIED'?" Revy gasped as she crumpled the letter in her hand.

"Married. As in, 'Tying The Knot', 'Walking Down The Aisle', Rings, Vows, Bouquet, Cakes, Honeymoon..." Benny explained.

"I Know What MARRIED Means!" Revy shouted at computer geek. "I Mean... Why Are We Married?!" she shouted at Rock.

"I don't know why or how, but... I think this is legit." Rock said as he showed her his paper.

"We're In Roanapur! Nothing Is 'Legit'!" she snapped.

"Well then how do you explain this?" he asked.

"Only... one... way!" she said as she pulled her guns. "You Did This!"

"Uh-oh." Rock gasped as he quickly bolted out of the office.

This had lead to a spirited chase across the city with Revy finally cornering Rock and demanding answers. Rock managed to pull his fat out of the fire once again by convincing Revy that he had nothing to do with this. Of course, this left the real question of who was responsible open to them.

The Lagoon Traders spent the rest of the day going to all their contacts for answers and a possible way out. Revy and Dutch went to Hotel Moscow, The Triads, even the Church of Violence, but they couldn't give the pair a straight answer.

Eda actually wanted to shoot Revy the second she found out she and Rock were married. Revy actually took some pleasure from that, seeing the blond nun frustrated at what had happened to her.

Rock and Benny went to all the regular authorities, which weren't many, even Police Chief Watsap, but they are no help to the salaryman.

The only thing that Rock managed to find out, was that because the criminals basically ran the city, most of the bureaucratical business was handled by the heads of the major criminal organizations. Sort of like a criminal city council.

And from that... Rock came up with the only logical answer to the whole thing.


"BALALAIKA?" Revy gasped once the Lagoon Traders were assembled back at their office.

"It has to be." Rock said as he went through his hand-written list of potential suspects who could have the authority, and cause, to get the both of them married.

"But why?" Revy asked.

"Well... based on what Chief Watsap told me, Roanapur has a city council comprised of the heads of the major cartels." Rock said.

"Right. We already knew that. So?"

"So... if you look at it from a business standpoint, I have been rather useful to Hotel Moscow and several other cartels. Not to sound conceited or anything, but it would be in their best interest to keep me in Roanapur. And the best way to do that..."

"Would be to process your residency papers as quickly as possible." Dutch deduced.

"But why get him married to Revy?" Benny asked.

"Because my residency gets approved faster if I'm married to someone who is already a resident of Roanapur. And since I work for the Lagoon Traders..." Rock explained.

"Oh. Guess that makes sense. But what a bomb to drop on someone." the computer geek groaned.

Off to the side, sitting at a table, doing their homework, the preteen assassins known as Hansel and Gretel looked over at the group of conversing adults.

"So... does this mean that Revy is our mother?" Gretel asked her brother.

"I think so." Hansel said to his sister.

"Oh God!" Revy gasped as she realized the implications that her 'marriage' to Rock entailed, which included a certain pair of preteen assassins.

Some time ago, Rock had adopted the twin assassins after he had stopped them from killing both Balalaika and Mr Chang on orders from their boss, the Italian mafioso Verrocchio. Since then the salaryman had been like the kind and nurturing father the pair never had. But as a result of this whole residency-thing, if they considered Rock to be their father, it meant that Revy was now their mother.

On the upside, while they both adored Rock like a real father, and it was a good idea to be on their good side, the downside to this whole thing was that the pair were still psychologically unbalanced at times and could snap at any given moment. This made even Revy balk.

Rock continued to ignore this problem and treated them like 'normal' kids. He figured by doing this there was less chance they would revert to their old ways.

"Mommy, can we go shopping?" Gretel asked, grabbing Revy by the hand and tugging on it.

Revy stared in both shock and horror as the preteen girl stared up at her. It wasn't that Gretel was smiling, which creeped Revy out a bit, it was more from the fact that she was actually touching her. Though Revy was apprehensive about being around the girl, having seen her in action, it was more from the fact that Revy herself didn't have any real experience with children.

"You know, it would probably be a good idea for you two to get to know each other better." Rock said to his new wife.

Revy glared at the salaryman, remembering what the twins had gone through to make them psychotic before coming to Roanapur.

"Not like that, Revy." Rock said.

"What do you want me to do? Take her shopping for groceries, buy her a pretty pink dress, and then maybe some ice cream on the way home?" Revy snapped at the man.

"That's a good idea." he said simply.

"I Was Being Sarcastic!" she shouted.

"I know, but it's still a good idea." he replied.


"Mommy?" Gretel asked the older woman.

"Let's go!" Revy snapped as she grabbed Gretel's hand and pulled her out of the office.


The citizens of Roanapur were treated to a rare sight that day. The sight of Revy Two-Hands walking down the street, a bag of groceries in her right hand, a certain pale-haired girl tugging on her left.

I don't believe this! I'm MARRIED... with Children! Revy groaned as Gretel stopped at an open vendor clothing store where she saw a dress in her size.

A pink dress.

"Mommy? Can I have that one?" Gretel asked as she pointed to the dress.

I wonder if Al Bundy ever wanted to kill someone? She wondered as she looked at the dress and then back down to the girl. "Ugh! Well... I did promise you, didn't I?" she said.

Revy paid for the dress and gave it to Gretel to carry as they headed to the local ice cream parlor.


"Daddy! Daddy! Look what mommy got me!" Gretel cried out as the pair returned from shopping.

Revy followed the girl through the door, looking mildly depressed and semi-sad.

"You look like hell." Dutch said to Revy. "What happened?"

"Balalaika hates me, I just know it." she groaned.

"Now Revy..."

"Well, then, why did she get me married to Rock?"

"You'd of preferred it to be someone else married to him?" he asked.

She shot him an irritated expression, but couldn't find one thing to say in response. Letting out a defeated sigh she walked into the kitchen with her grocery bag and set it down on the counter.

"Revy?" Rock said as he entered the kitchen.

"Yes, dear?" she said in a sharp, sarcastic tone.

"Stupid question: is everything alright?"

"Yes, it's a stupid question. No, nothing is alright."

"Because this isn't where you saw yourself, is it?"

"You mean being married with kids? No. It isn't."

"I wish there was something I could do to make things up to you." he said.

"Oh, believe me, I want to blame you for this!" she snapped. "But... it would be a hollow lie and we both know it. So please, just... leave me alone for now."

"Right." he said and started to walk out of the kitchen. "Oh, Revy. Before I forget. I, uh... got this for you while you were out." he said, leaving a small box on the kitchen counter.

Once Rock was gone, back to where Gretel was modeling the dress Revy had gotten her, she opened the small box and gasped.

It was a diamond ring.


Authors Notes:

Sorry about the shortness of the chapter. At the time I was writing this, I couldn't really think of a lot of things to put into this story. I mean the basic idea was to get Rock and Revy married.

However, I'm gonna need some suggestions on what to do from this point on. One of my idea's include trying to get Hansel and Gretel into school or something equally 'normal'. Anyone have any ideas for this story, let me know.

Other than that, enjoy the read and leave me a good review.