Chapter 6:

Dan is No Longer Sober

Dan and Garcian sit at the lounge and drink.

Garcian: You know you still have to go through this entire mansion, right?

Dan: Yeaaaah. I know. Gahd, yoo sound liek my mom! She's dead God rest 'er soul!

Garcian: You will be, too, if you don't get a move on.

Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on. *fills the rest of his inventory with liquor* Now....wheredooaigonow?

Garcian: *sigh* You need to go check out the East Wing. It's the other side of the mansion.

Dan: Right.........Soooooooooooo I just leave out this doooooooor...........

Garcian: You have no idea where you're going do you?

Dan: NO! NO! It's comin back to meh! Just...let me sip a little more o me beauty juice to get the brain perkelatin and... *fall*

Garican: v-v Damnit Dan! *grabs Dan and drags him out of the lounge and boots him back into the main hall.* Go that way! *points to the East Wing* And don't come back until you have the sheet music! *shuts the dining room doors*

Dan: Gahd, Garcie! Gotta be such a buzzkill!...Fuck it! Got a mission to complete! *staggers across the room* Stoopid flooor won't stop mooovin and trippin me! *face-floor* Fuck! There went th' bourbon! *tries to lick it up* Ow! Fuck! Cut mah tongue!

*crawls to the map room door and pours into the room and looks up at the statue*

Holy shit tits!....Oh wait...not real....fuckin' tease, man!.....

*stumbles into the dog hallway*

Someone should fix those windows...lettin in the fuckin flies....

*busts into the green hallway*

HOLY FUCK GOTTA PEE!....BATHROOM!

*Busts open the bathroom door. He runs to the toilet and struggles to undo his pants*

Fucking outfit! What is this, some kind of hopped up onesie?.....OOOOOOOHHHH FFUUUUCK YEAAAH! OH FUCK YEAH! FUCK I NEEDED THAT! OH GOD THAT FEELS GOOD!

Meanwhile, more "zombies" bust through the windows.

Hehehehehehe!

Dan: BE OUT IN A MINUTE!

*knock knock knock knock*

Dan: I SAID I'LL BE OUT IN A--- *stomach starts churning* Oh shit!

*POW!*

*Four smiles shuffle in*

Smiles: HEHAHAHAHHAHA!

Dan: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGGGGGGGH!

*puke flies everywhere*

BLALALALALALALAAASLSLSDAGAUAHHHHHHH!

Dan aims his pistol and shoots wildly at the smiles while still violently puking.

BLABLABLALBALALLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHH!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

The smiles fell to the floor.

Dan: FUCK! I'm outta ammo. But I feel better now...Oh wait, I'm supposed to set you fuckers on fire....Wait a sec...

Dan takes out his lighter and blows into it. It becomes a minature flamethrower.

Dan: Heh...Works for me! *dumps some alcohol on the dead bodies and sets them ablaze* Ah...smells like victory!......Holyshitblackout!

Dan falls into the empty bathtub and passes out.

To be continued...