Author's notes: This little Mary Sue poem idea for Transformers has been shamelessly ripped off (with permission) from Irony-chan's "A Mary Sue Alphabet" for the Harry Potter fandom. This is meant to be in good fun, and is not aimed at any specific authors or Sues.
Apart from a couple of canon female characters, these are all OC:s that I've made up myself for the occasion – humans as well as Transformers. And with the obvious exceptions of Alexis and Elita-1, all the names have been pulled out of my aft. If they happen to coincide with an OC of yours, I can assure you it's purely a coincidence. At the end of the day, there are only so many different names you can make out of combining 'fire', 'star', 'night', 'blade', and what have you.
Acknowledgements: Other than to Irony-chan for providing the original idea, thanks to HitokiriKurisuta for giving this poem a check-over before it was posted.
Disclaimer: Transformers doesn't belong to me in any shape or way.
A is for Alexis
So brooding and dark
Such hatred and pain in his spark
Angst so strong and immense
But when Alexis waltzes in, gone is all suspense
'Cause in the end we all know
That this girl's efforts will land her
A whiny Decepticon Air Commander
B is for Blackspark
Brutal and merciless
She's the meanest of 'Cons
Dressed in armour of deepest blue and glittering bronze
She can easily turn any mech into scrap
'Cause with those wicked laser cannons attached
Firepower is, like, totally unmatched!
In her presence, even Megatron shivers in fear
But as soon as she turns, he'll admire her rear
C is for Cynella
Lust, passion and desire
Rage in the queen of holo-smut
Not in the slightest ashamed of being a slut
She'll take on Optimus, Ratchet and Ironhide
In a never-decreasing pace
Working her way through the entire Autobot base
D is for Darkmoon
Being Megatron's daughter is a pain in the aft
When the mech who has earned your attraction
Belongs to the opposing faction
Such angsty drama, and what will Daddy say
When his daughter runs away?
Her choice of lover not accepted
Decepticon values will soon be rejected
And what a surprise, little Darkmoon has suddenly defected!
E is for Elita-1
Leading the Autobot femmes
With courage and pride
She will always stand at Optimus' side
Oh, a canon character she may be
But the reason she's in this story escapes no reader:
To take the place of the writer and hump the Autobot leader
F is for Fireblade
The most tragic of pasts
Home and family eradicated in the Kaon blitz
Captured and forced to live by only her wits
But revenge will be served, she will not rest
Until she has avenged her degrading enslavement
And made circuits and energon spatter the pavement
G is for Gwendolyn
Poor girl, never fitting in, not a single friend
So angsty, depressed, and alone
That her heart has turned into stone
But change did Gwendolyn's luck
When along came a transforming truck
Oh, Ironhide, you grumpy old Topkick
You really should know better
Than courting an underage goth chick
H is for Hera
Leader of the female Autobots
She'll bravely defend the Autobot way
With valour and vigor, a walking cliché
No sacrifice too great, no battle too fier...
Hey wait, hold on a minute, hun!
What happened with Elita-1?
I is for Izabell
Nasty Decepticons, unable to love
That was, until they came under the spell
Of happy and sparkly Izabell!
Her lectures quickly sowed seeds
Now all 'Cons regret their evil deeds
But no matter how cheerful and optimistic
It's not in the slightest realistic
That not even Megatron can resist
When looking into those eyes (1) so bright
(1) You know, the ones that change colour with the light
J is for Jesselee
Imagine the surprise of the female mechanic
Walking out to the parking lot
And finding a wounded 'Bot
Luckily, her workshop was close nearby
And with such intimate knowledge of how circuits and sensors are wired
Do I really need to tell you the next things that transpired?
K is for Krystal Spark
Sought after by both factions
Shrouded in secrets and mystery
This elusive femme holds the key
To the fate of all the Transformers
Rest assured, before she's gone
She'll have saved the entire planet of Cybertron
L is for Leandra
This feisty girl with an attitude
Ends up in Nemesis base
And bravely insults the Decepticon leader to his face
Oh, what will Megatron do to this squishie?
Blast her with his fusion cannon, crush her to the floor?
Make the walls drip with gore, or at least show her the door?
No, heavens above!
He'll fall in love!
M is for Mary-Sue Perfectium
A telepath and a healer
Tech specs off the chart
Strong, witty and smart
A tragic past
And a male cast
Who all want a piece of that aft
And should you tell the writer you think this is daft
You'll get an angry PM for insulting her craft
N is for Night Fyre
The newest addition to the Autobot ranks
Pride of the Academy, top of her class
You better not underestimate this little lass
Outsmarting Prowl, outwitting Jazz
She's a fighter the likes of which no one has seen
And created by a writer of only thirteen
O is for Optima
Who is this mysterious femme
Suddenly making her arrival
To aid in the Autobots' fight for survival
Where did she come from? Never you mind!
Just watch the unfolding canon slaughter
As we get acquainted with Optimus Prime's long lost daughter
P is for Penelope
Resourceful and self-reliant, all alone in the world
So street smart that you can tell with painful clarity
That this Mary Sue is based on IDW's Verity
But dear writer, please keep in mind
Before Penelope utters her next eloquent curse
That the human presence was what ruined the IDW-verse
Q is for Quickfire
Best bounty hunter in the galaxy
Stealthily, she strikes like a viper
Deadly and a most excellent sniper
Easily catches the most hardened of 'Cons
Oh, you better watch out, 'cause this little honey
Will give even Devcon a run for his money
R is for Rowena
Golden locks falling down her back
Ivory skin, unmarred by even a pimple
Curves in all the right places, on her cheek a charming dimple
Sky blue eyes with hints of emerald green
Any guy she could have, this perfect beauty queen
So how come her boyfriend's a metal machine?
S is for Silver Star
Petite and graceful
Of her kind the only
You'd expect her to get really lonely
Being the only female Seeker ever created
But no! There's no need for frets
When surrounded by horny male Seeker jets!
T is for Tristan
Though only a weak human, a mere fleshling
He was taken in by the Autobots, made one of them
Became buddies with both mech and femme
While Mary Sues are ubiquitous, you don't see this everyday
So people, lo and behold, as Tristan makes his debut
Though elusive and rare, here is a real Gary Stu
U is for Undine
Wrong time, wrong place
She was just gonna visit the local ballpark
But instead got merged with the Allspark
Imagine the surprise on Undine's face
Suddenly a reluctant guardian of the Cybertronian race
But the job came with benefits as well
Steamy romance with a robot in disguise
To the jaded reader, hardly a surprise
V is for Verena
She didn't know exactly how it happened
A crack in time and space, a flash of lightning
It was so terribly frightening
Waking up in Transformers universe
But after throwing a few hysterical fits
Verena soon found her wits
And started living every fangirl's wildest dreams
Of sexing up the studliest of machines
W is for Wild Star
Alt-mode so sleek and so graceful
Racing with impressive speed
In passers-by evoking envy and greed
Porsche of lustrous pink, polish shining in the sun
Chrome glistering even brighter
Let me guess, this is the dream car of the writer
X is for Xanthia Prime
With women's liberation having come this far
Now must surely be the time
To make way for a female Prime
In the struggle to win the heart of the fandom
What do you think, will she have any success, or
Instead meet the same fate as poor Hot Rod, her predecessor?
Y is for Yasmina
Sam has a new admirer
Mikaela, beware, this girl will soon steal your thunder
But in front of their screens, the fangirls all wonder:
Poor, deluded Yasmina, just what on Earth is wrong with you?
Surrounded by so many gorgeous mechs
And you actually go to the token human for sex?
Z is for Zabre Claw
And so we round up with a visit to Beast Wars
And what have we here? Ah, the softest of furs
The slender shape of a graceful feline and delightful purrs
But don't be fooled, this cat can easily rip you apart
With claws sharper than razors
And those golden eyes – beware, they shoot lasers!
End Note: Yes, I know there is no meter to speak of and little logic to what lines are rhyming, but in the end I'm not a poet and neither is English my first language, so this is the best I could do. Really.
And now that the poem is all finished, I realize, to my dismay, that I totally forgot about the 'female police officer teamed up with Barricade' Sue... Ah well.
End Rant/Pointless Fan Raving: A few words regarding the P verse: While I know that some peoples' opinions will differ here, I could personally not stand the focus on and overbearing presence of the three humans in the IDW comics, although I suppose that saying that it ruined the whole IDW-verse was a bit too harsh. And it particularly annoyed me that the summary claimed that these teenagers were (I cite) "pulled kicking and screaming into a hitherto hidden world of pain and hurt". Pulled kicking and screaming? From what I recall, half of "Infiltration" consisted of Verity insisting and pleading with the Autobots to let them tag along, even though Prowl had already, in his infinite wisdom, told the annoying squishies to take a hike (not necessarily in those words). No wonder he's my favourite Transformer. ;)