Chapter 1 : Waking Up and Suing Silver
Okay, so since I began playing Pokemon Crystal on an emulator three days ago, I've decided to loosely make an abridged series by picking the main events and screwing them up. It loosely fits the script, and don't expect this behavior in the actual games (especially Krys's cynical behavior). So enjoy, and know that I do not own pokemon, its games, or anything with the Nintendo logo on it.
" Are you a boy ? Or are you a girl ? "
" GOTDAMN IT, ARE YOU BLIND ?! I AM A GIRL ! "
" Oh. Well, geez. Don't act like such a bitch. I'm only asking you a simple question. "
" GOTDAMN RETARD ! LEAVE ME THE F--K ALONE ! "
" DAH ! WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAKE ME UP ?! "
" Uh, 'cause I did. "
Kris glared at her mother, who was smiling overoptimisticly. " Well, could you actually do something besides gawk at me all day and check the flippin' clock ? "
" Oh. Sure. "
She went downstairs to stare at the clock before coming back to a moody Kris. " So, Mom, what time is it ? "
" Oh, it's eleven at night. "
" WHAT ?! Are you bullsh-tting me ?! "
" No... "
" Well, what sane mother lets their child sleep until eleven at night ?! " Kris inquired.
" Uh, one who gets drunk and passes out at their neighbor's house. "
" Oh. Right. But damn it, it's so dark. Hasn't New Bark ever heard of something called electricity ?! "
Kris Staller got up from her bed and yawned. It was the day that she would receive her first pokemon. As an eleven year old, you'd think she would be stupid (like Gold), but in reality, Kris was pretty intelligent (although with a very low temper and bitchy attitude). She had a very good clothing style, too. She had bluish-green hair. She wore a yellow headband, a red t-shirt, a white jacket with a red stripe on each of the sleeves, yellow and black shorts, and regular tennis shoes.
So, after she got dressed into just that, she listened to Professor Oak's conversation that was mandatory if she wanted a pokemon.
" Hey, Kris ! Sorry if I didn't get here earlier ! I was partying with your mother ! " Professor Oak said cheerily.
Krys sweatdropped. The Professor continued. " Anyway, welcome to the world of Pokemon ! "
-.- " What the hell are you talking about ?! I've been living here for eleven years ! And just last Tuesday that Furret nearly gave me rabies ! "
" Whatever. Anyway, I'm Oak. "
" No duh. Here's a question, why are you introducing me to my journey WHEN YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE REGION PROFESSOR ?! "
" I don't know. I get paid a looot. Anyway, people call me the pokemon bounty hunter ! "
" So...you work in Team Rocket ? "
" Uh...no. This world has annoying little things that we call pokemon.
The Wooper that was released shook his head. " Actually, I'm called Zork. "
" SHUT THE F--K UP AND LET ME FINISH ! "
O.o " Fine..."
" People and the retarded creatures live together by supporting each other, whether that be battling, coordinating, or paying Child Support. Some people play with pokemon. Some people battle. Others do very naughty things, which I did with this thing called a Wooper. "
" MY NAME IS ZORK ! "
(Wooper) " X.X "
Professor Oak cleared his throat. " But of course we don't know everything about Pokemon, otherwise Nintendo would crash. So, we say we're gonna solve all the mysteries, but really, we just sit and get high all day. Only reason why I study pokemon is because it was either that or get admitted into a nursing home by my arrogant yet handsome grandson. So, what was your name ? "
Kris facefaulted. " You really are senile, aren't you ? "
" Are you my mommy ? "
" No. I'm Kris. We met about five minutes ago. "
Professor Oak smiled. " Kris, are you ready ? You're gonna start a journey with little pests and probably save the world from crazy retards. So, I guess I'll see you later. My soap operas are starting ! "
Kris looked around her room and scratched her head. " I knew I shouldn't have watched Vampire Knight until two in the morning. I could've avoided all of this. "
Kris walked downstairs where her mother blocked her path. " Hi, Kris ! Our neighbor, that guy with the tree name, was looking for you. He said something about an errand. "
" What ? That's bull ! Gold never had to do that ! He just was lazy ! "
" Well, S.O.L. Johto doesn't do that. "
" Aww, this sucks. "
Mom snapped a finger. " Oh, yeah ! I almost forgot ! Your Pokemon Gear is back from the repair shop after Gold used dynamite on it ! Here ya go ! "
Kris took the Pokemon Gear and sweatdropped. " This is soooo 2001. Can't you ever get anything modern, like a PokeNav ? Or a cellphone ? "
The mother waved a hand as she ignored her. " Pokemon Gear, or PokeGear, is essential if you want to be a master, or if you want to stalk your boyfriends. Oh, and I forgot what day it is. You shouldn't forget the day of the week, unless you had a blackout ! So...what day is it ? "
" Tuesday, Mom. "
" Is it Daylight Savings Time ? "
" Well, yeah. "
" So, you do know how to use the phone feature, right ? "
" Uh, yeah. It's not 1855, you know. "
" Good, 'cause I forgot. Too much tequila with the neighbors. "
Kris nodded and walked over to the other side of the table. " Miss Landy ? What the hell are you doing here ? "
" I'm visiting. "
" At eleven at night ? "
" Yeah ! "
" Yeah... "
" So, have you heard ? My daughter really has a thing for Professor Elm ! She wants to be his assistant ! She loves pokemon, and I know that she'll do whatever she can ! In fact, I'm even planning the shotgun wedding already ! She and Elm make a real good couple. "
" Kind of demented, if you ask me, " Kris thought.
Kris walked over the street to where Professor Elm's lab was. As she walked, she saw a long red-haired boy staring out of the window. She walked over to the boy. " Hey, dude. Are you high or something ? "
She tapped him, and the boy muttered to himself. " ...So this is where that nerdy professor works at. "
He turned to Kris. " What the hell are you staring at ?! Do I have herpes on my face ? "
" Uh, no... "
" WELL, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME ! "
Silver kicked Krys ten feet from him and continued to stare at the window. The bluish-green haired girl just sat there for five minutes before turning into a deep shade of purple. " That bastard ! I'll wait a while to get my pokemon ! I'm gonna sue his ass for sexual harassment ! "
The judge banged his gavel as Krys and Silver sat down in their seats. " So, Silver is here for a sexual harassment charge, and Krys is seemingly wanting to sue Nintendo. Wow. "
Silver jumped from his seat. " What ?! You can't sue Nintendo ! You'll bankrupt us all and make us homeless ! "
Krys shrugged. " So ? I hate Nintendo. I'll get a job with Sega ! "
" But Sega is gay ! And the only thing they've ever accomplished is that blue hedgehog thing ! "
" Uh, I don't care. You kicked me, and so I'm having my revenge. I don't care if our whole franchise goes in the dumpster ! I'M GONNA SUE YOU ! "
The judge sweatdropped. " Okay. Krys, you can't sue Nintendo. But you can put him in a pot of hot fudge if you want. "
" Eh. Works for me, " Krys muttered.
" So, it's settled. Bailiff - bring the hot fudge ! "
The bailiff brought the hot fudge. Silver's jaw dropped. " Damn it ! No ! Pops, get me out of this ! I'll become your heir for Team Spaceship ! "
Giovanni shook his head. " You had your chance, Snover. I don't like you anymore. I'll get someone else to lead Team Spaceship, though. Don't worry. "
" Uh, my name is Silver, and you're a bastard ! You might as well go into the anime and become Ash Ketchum's dad instead ! "
" Who ? "
" You know, that black haired retard that screws everything up and everyone wants him dead already. "
" Oh. Yeah, I'll probably do that. Good idea. "
Silver groaned as the bailiff grabbed his arms and threw him into a pot of hot fudge, not quite killing him, but giving nasty burn marks. Krys looked at her watch. " Ooh. Look at the time. I better go and get my pokemon ! "
" I WILL GET MY REVEEEEEEENGE, KRYS ! "
Okay, everyone ! Next chapter is when Krys gets a pokemon and goes to Mr. Pokemon's House ! Cookies and ice cream are in the fridge for reviewers ! And remember everyone - this behavior should not be attempted if you're sane.