The Most Entertaining Reviews Ever
Brought to you by Self-Proclaimed KingofDDR
Summary: Reading massive flames can be as funny as reading humor fics. So why not have that be a fic itself? No offense meant to anyone. I was feeling slightly cynical when I wrote this.
Yep, you read that right. Tired of looking for funny flames around fanfiction dot net? Then just read this story, and you'll find them in no time. For example, here's one from a person by the name of 'An Writer', for a story called 'My Immortal.' AKA: The Worst fanfic in the world.
...In fact, most of the reviews for this chapter will be from My Immortal.
Your douchebaggery is legendary even in hell. A thousand retarded monkey's shitting on the keys of a thousands typewriters, couldn't hope to match the level of retarded shittyness so evident in your work.
This isn't a piece of writing; It's a cum stain.
Tell me you didn't laugh reading that.
Next is one from a review called 'Someone'.
I'm not kidding. That's the real name.
You are a fucking, shitty ass troll. Your whore-iffic Mary Sue Enoby/Ebony/Slut/Whatever the fuck her name is a a goddamn P0SER bitch and ... yeah. And she can go jump into a ditch and die. I don't even know why I just wasted precious minutes of my life reading this shit and typing this review as none of the other ones seem to have gotten to your mentally retarded head.
And now for the conclusion. This thing sucked shit and its even famous for being the most shittest written fanfiction ever. Seriously let everone else write them not you. Also you give a bad name to Linkin Park and the other bands mentioned in your piece of your shit fanfiction.
Some people can be real cruel, can't they?
But that just gives the rest of us some entertainment.
Anyway, here's the next one. This time, it's from a person called, and I quote...
MY EYES OMFG! MY EYES!!
Sweetie, listen these people have a point, I'm 14 and you put writers in my age group to shame.
You need to think before you write about Enoby/Ebony/WTF?/Mary-sue Okay?
Not all people here actually like "OMG LOL IT WAS LIEK MALFOY OMFG!"
We want stories well written, WITHOUT character rape, and without this Ebony chick turning EVERYBODY you like gothic.
here's a couple of reasons why people don't like your story:
1: GOTH ALL OVER THE PLACE! there maybe a majority of goths and emos on , but even they like a well written story.
2. SATAN WORSHIP! In case you haven't noticed He's EVIL kid. Also nobody (with a head) likes the devil. He eats babies, rapes women, and would probably stick a pitchfork up your arse.
3.WRITING STYLE! Nobody would ever publish a story written via TXT, okay, to tell the truth, I couldn't even understand half of your story.
4. SHITTY SEX SCENES! Innocent, Innocent bloodywrists, how you need to get laid.
Sex isn't like porn, porn is a bad substitute for sexual satisfaction.
I was watching Oprah one day and she had some doctor talking about Sex. Sex (for women) is emotional, while for guys it's Physical.
So please put some time and EFFORT into your sex scenes not to short (like a sentence) or to long (like twelve chapters). Now I may be young as well, but even I know what ejaculation is and how spell masturbation.
5.bands! half of them are EMO. Goth is the forefather of Emo, just as punk was the forefather of Goth, now I know goths, punks, and emos, some of these people are Christian you know.
So the music NO GOOD.
6.MARY SUE! This is more annoying than ANYTHING ELSE. To YOU she mabye special, but to other writers NOT SO!
Also you could make some very good changes.
Try the UNIVERSAL Mary sue test and it's many counterparts (there are many Harry potter tests around these days) so please do try it I want to HELP YOU.
And I am not trying to flame you, as flaming is a waste of yours and my time.
7. Constant swearing! Its a nuisance, especially to those under age or those who are easily offended.
A GOOD work of fanfiction is like a GOOD piece of fan art, beautiful with well drawn figures, clever use of photo shop, and above all, a deep love for YOUR fandom, and lots of TLC into the final piece of artwork. Where as this fic is poop smeared on a wall.
8.PREPZ!1! Do you REALLY think a prep would even bother using , preps are absorbed with other peoples opinions and their illusion of power. I don't think preps would even have a fandom (unless it was degrassi junior high) but even then, how would they find you, I found you by looking up worst fanfic ever then hitting I'm feeling lucky button on google.
If anything YOU would be a prep because you constantly respond to pathetic flames.
Now don't go calling me a prep because I am a perfect example of a dork, I like starwars and if you have a problem with that don't go all "LOL YOUSA PREPZ" Becase you sound like jar jar binks gone wrong.
So PLEASE take my advice, and rewrite this piece of fanfiction before some high up writer deletes it.
At least she gave some advice.
Moving on, the next one is from SuziACID.
Personally, I think I would rather projectile vomit against the wind than read any more of this drivel.
If it isn't obvious now, from the sheer amount of reviews - most of which informing you of your stupidity - I think it's time you took some advice from yourself, and slit your WRISTS.
I have to say that i'm proud to be part of the Gothic subculture, and frankly, it's people like you who are posers, whiny, attention-seeking little brats, who give us "Goths" a bad name.
You say you like Satan?
Can you say you actively participate in attending a Satanic church, and/or own the Satanic Bible?
I openly say that I am NOT a Satanist (I am in fact Atheist) - and if you cared to look beneath the surface - you would find that no all "Goths" are Satanists - you merely project yourself that way because you clearly want to be part of the culture, and are clearly failing miserably.
Also - Goths do not all actively participate in self-mutilation.
"Fave muzik: GC, MCR, Evinezenz, Linin prak, BLINK183, mraliyn manson, panik at da desko, fal out boy, from first 2 last, hothorne hites, all da odder goofik bandz"
Good Charlotte - could be classed as gothic.
MCR - Emo. Not goth. EMO.
Evanescence - Rock Opera/Goth.
LINKIN Park - Not Goth.
BLINK 182 - Not Goth.
MARILYN MANSON - Well done! You found a Gothic Band!
Panic at the Disco. - Scene/Emo. Not Goth.
Fall out Boy - Emo/Scene. Not Goth.
From First To Last - EMO. NOT GOTH.
Hawthore Heights - EMO. NOT GOTH.
And - All these bands "muggle". This is the work JKRowling has Wizards use to describe NON-MAGIC people.
Draco Malfoy WOULD NOT KNOW ABOUT GOOD CHARLOTTE.
You did not spell VOLDEMORT correctly throughout the WHOLE fanfiction.
You seem incapable of spelling "bitch" either. Or Ebony for that matter.
Severus and Snape are one entity i.e. Severus Snape. Fool.
Harry's godfather is "SIRIUS" not Serious.
Veritaserum is colourless - not black. I pity the person swallowing black Veritaserum - it would probably eat out their insides.
Draco Malfoy's father is LUCIUS MALFOY. NOT "Luscious" or "Lucian".
HAGRID. Not Hargrid.
Dumbledore! Not Dumblydore.
The caretaker is Mr Filch - not Mr Norris. He does however have a cat named MRS Norris.
Witches and Wizards would not need guns. They have a lovely curse for wiping out people.
Draco was slitting his wrists outside the school right? If I was slitting my wrists and someone asked if i was okay, I seriously dount I would be replying with "I guess so"
You have no sense of sentence structure, go to classes or something.
Oh yes, I nearly forgot. Leave Tim Burtons work out of this.
I'd also love to find out where you can buy "homophones" they sound intriguing.
To complete this rant, I believe that you and your friend "Raven" should be shot. But only after a little Chinese Water Torture.
Wanting someone to get shot just because they wrote a bad fanfic.
Second to last one is from Kaishi no Kokuei.
I must commend you for posting as many chapter as you did...even if it was complete and utter shit...
...You give many people on this site enough confidence to say 'Hey, at least my story doesn't make people commit suicide.'
I felt myself wanting to gouge my eyes out with a plastic spork...this is comparable to stomping on a poor helpless innocent baby...with cleats...metal cleats...with razor sharp points...
Well you offically her 'Worst FanFiction Ever' Award...Hell I think you should get a statue in your honor in recognition of being the lowest excuse of a living being...to ever exist...
And the final one, not to mention my favorite, is this one, written by WissyWig.
"Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."
This is my new favorite sentence in the history of the English language.
"He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko."
THIS is my new favorite sentence in the history of the Engl--oh, but wait...
"We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)"
This HAS to be the best sentence EVER written. I mean, how can you possibly top...
"Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face."
Damn, girl! How do you do it? Every sentence is like a Shakespearian sonn...
"Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!"
Oh God...stop, please! You're killing me...
"stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!"
AH HAHAHAHA! Brilliant! (Wow. Look at all the pretty red underlining.)
"Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked."
Oh sweet Lorelei...
"Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme." he said."
""Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!""
I'm just so jeluz uv yu.
""Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?""
"She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic."
Okay, I think now I'm getting scared.
"We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song."
Tara Ebony Enoby Enony Eboby Ennoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Malaprop has more you-know-what in this story than I've had in my entire LIFE. Maybe I should try the Count Chocula (GOD I love that).
"I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces..."
Now THIS. THIS is definitely my favorite sentence ever written or uttered in the entire history of language itself. You can't POSSIBLY beat...
"He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!1!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1" I screemed passively as he got an eructation."
And yet, somehow, she did. I don't see how this can get any bett...
"How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?"
""U know very well that I'm not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!""
"I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif."
"He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it."
I give up. I can't keep up with you, honey. Genius. Pure absolute unadulterated genius.
""Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister.
"Bye bitch." I said waving."
Ahh. If I had a nickel for every time my professors and I had similar exchanges.
"Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. "OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly… I fell asleep."
Ah hahahaHAHAHA! Oh, I HATE it when that happens.
"I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer."
The new mixed drink taking bars by storm across Hogsmeade. Apparently.
""ohh." now everything was making sense for me."
Well, that makes one of us.
"Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1"
Hahaha! Tippecanoe and Darth Vader too!
"In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol"
NO! Not the Count Chocula!
""Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer." "And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." "
Seriously. 'Cause being a spy and a "Death Dealer" is one thing. But a POSER? That's just unacceptable.
"I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out."
Nope. This is it. THIS is the one. I'm tattooing this on my body somewhere. This is the best, the greatest, the most phantasmagorically fanatically fantabulous sentence ever created. Seriously. Absolutely delicious.
""Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily."
OH thank goodness.
"OMG am I Dedd??""
Whoops, maybe not. Hee.
"He had bleched blond hair"
From the eructation, most likely.
""Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails."
Wow. Even Satan is emo.
I didn't know.
"He looked more young den he did in da future."
You know, that happens even to the best of us.
"I explained 2 her why I was alive."
Could you fill us in then, please?
"Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol."
Girls can carry guns too, you know. Err, wait...oh. Nevermind. /
"I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!!"
Oh man. Don'tcha just hate people who are prejudiced against rope? It's so preppy.
"We were so scarred!!1"
As are we, honey. As. Are. We.
"Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma"
And FINALLY!! SHE FINDS A COMMA!
"I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent."
Wellp? I can't do it. I just can't. I went through all 44 chapters (yes, I did) and I keep finding new and better sentences, more deliciously descriptive adverbs, and thousands upon thousands of dead brain cells, once functional, jumping out of various orifices, desperate in their attempt to escape the torture. You see I, too, am a sadist. So please, PLEASE, I beg of you...write more. You must. You MUST.
"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik)
actshelly (geddit, hell)
black die (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik)
"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik)
"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)
"Fangs." I said. (geddit? koz ur goffik? We GET it. WE BLOODY GET IT.)
Final Reviewer's Note: Ellipses. They can be your ally, or they can be your enemy. Use them wisely, my friend.
I don't think that could have been any better. Seriously.
And now I'm off to get a lif.
Fangz so very much for the eructation.
You can just feel the sarcasm oozing out of this review, can't you?
That's all for now. Stay tune for more in the future. And Catch you next continue!