It's time for another installment of…

The Most Entertaining Reviews Ever!

And why is that, you ask?

Well, all of the credit goes to (pardon my French) a fucking cunt of the highest order that I had the misfortune of seeing at work today. Despite the fact that she had NO receipt on hand, she demanded to be allowed to exchange some coffee. And when the Checker refused, she threatened to just sit in front of the store until the Manager spoke with her, also threatening to make other customers leave with her bitchy attitude.

And she felt as though she was entitled to making an exchange without a receipt because of the fact that she had been shopping in my workplace ever since '76.

To quote The Miz: Really?


Anyway, let's forget about the selfish bitch and get on to the good stuff.

Today, I'll be showing you some choice reviews from one of the most vitriol filled people I've had the pleasure of knowing.

He's one of my fellow TFFers (The Fanfiction Forum), and he goes by the name LightingHunter!

I've seen some of his reviews, and I've gotta say that they deserve to be here.

I warn you, they can be quite long. So I hope you've got a game or snacks handy.

This first one comes from a fic called Naruto: Kitsune Juggernaut.

Right. I'll go over what was bad first, and then go over what was good.

My god. The first paragraph of the story. What the hell is that? Do you honestly expect people to read that huge wall of text? You seemed to have figured out where the Enter key is after the paragraph, didn't you even edit this chapter before uploading it?

"I should of used the fox" Three things. It's "should've." Next, Naruto did use the Kyuubi chakra in his fight against Orochimaru, although not intentionally. Lastly, Naruto did not use the Kyuubi's power consciously at this point, he didn't until Jiraiya.

Mind you, that error is the smallest fault I find with this paragraph.

He just happens to stumble across the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak? So there's no reason for it? Explain!

"Despite what everyone thought, he wasn't stupid" Did you watch a different anime? He is stupid, he just has his moments.

Oh, and thanks for just announcing all his changes in powers and appearance. You have no idea how to write, do you? It's a chore to read this stuff.

Now he just randomly hates Sasuke and Sakura? For no reason? And now he just randomly wants to make women his sex slaves?

Oh I see what this is. This is a parody of the usual shitty superpowered harem fic, by just making Naruto randomly get powers in the first paragraph, randomly hate Sasuke and Sakura and randomly want to fuck people.

Oh wait. You're not smart enough for that. You actually are writing this shit.

I mean, this is just quite interesting, because this paragraph is just all about Naruto's transformation, not into the Juggernaut, but into your self-insert. Into what you wish you could be. How Naruto is pretty much brainwashed into agreeing with all of your ideas and opinions and has been turned into pretty much just an OC with Naruto as his name.

Really is interesting. Most people at least turn Naruto into their superpowered OC/SI gradually. This is just the first-fucking-paragraph.

And even the second paragraph fails. The indomitable monstrous Kyuubi has now been reduced to a whimpering pussy.

Oh good, a change in scene with "twenty minutes later". Are you incapable of incorporating this into the actual story that you need to write it out like this?

Nice to see Naruto is absolutely merciless and has no problems with murdering people all of a sudden. More proof he's your OC/SI. And by the way, Dosu used sound as his weapon. Sound. Objects, armour- they do not stop sound. You fucking moron.

Kin's- oh my fucking god. "I'm an... F cup, I strap them down"

And then Naruto brutally assaults Sasuke after forcing Sakura to expose herself and when Sasuke was trying to defend her. Let's see. There's the guy who attacks his own teammate, who's just murdered two people and clearly wants to force himself on Kin, and then there's the guy who sees his teammate is being sexually assualted and tries to defend her.

Huh. I wonder who I'm actually gonna see as the "little asshole" here and who's the real hero.

"pull down his pants and underwear, and jack him off" No. You are fucking sick. And despite your hatred of Sakura, I bet you fucking got off on writing this festering shit.

"Cross me and I'll hang you by your tits and watch you slowly starve to death" Again, why are we supposed to root for this prick? He's an unbelievable fucking douchebag.

"gorgeous she suddenly noticed" He just threatened her into being his slave and now she thinks he has gorgeous eyes.

Have you ever read/watched the actual Naruto manga/anime? I wouldn't be able to recognise any one of these characters if you just changed the names.

Can this shit possibly get any wors-"you aren't even worth raping"

You are scum. Utter fucking scum in every sense of the word.

This is actually fucking sick. This is a humour fic? What the fuck is supposed to be funny here? The fact that the reader is expected to applaud Nar- no, your self-insert's actions?

How is this even remotely like Naruto? There is no trace of him. No reason for believing that's him. No reason as for why he's like this.

You might as well have changed the start of the first paragraph to- "you who read these words, shall become, forevermore, MikeJV37!"


Because that's all this is. A pathetic attempt to escape from the real world by writing a character who agrees with you, who goes around fucking the way you desperately wish you could, writing about his massive dick to the point I can't decide whether you're just writing to compensate or if you're just deeply in the closet and want to get fucked by one.

Huh, I just checked your profile. You're in your thirties? Wow. I expect this sort of badly written bashing harem fics from thirteen year olds. Nice to see that wisdom doesn't actually come with age.

And you've been writing for years? So you were once worse than this? IS THAT EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE?

Single. Well, no surprises there, if your views on treating women are even remotely like the way your OC/SI acts.

I'm just gonna rush through the rest of this fucking chapter of fail.

So Iruka has no problems with Naruto being willing to commit murder. He's just "a little curious". And Sasuke and Sakura don't just tell someone like Kakashi or even the Hokage, because frankly, Konoha is a village that emphasises teamwork and the like and wouldn't fucking tolerate someone just beating the shit out of one teammate and then force him and another teammate to perform sexual acts for his own amusement.

Plus, there's the sickening matter of how he treats Kin. "I'm going to be nice"- then let her go, you fucking prick. The fact it goes that she's "genuinely happy for the first time in years" is even more disgusting. Have you ever met a woman in your life?

What exactly are you trying to get across here? Having a fic that glorifies rape and essentially brainwashing, spits on comradeship, has no explanation for any event that happens, the protagonist isn't redeemable in the slightest, you clearly have no respect for the English language by how you mangle it-

And looking at your profile and just the summaries of your other fics shows me this is a running theme here.

Just the work of some desperate pathetic scumbag. I mean seriously, are you joking about being in your thirties?

Was it hard getting there without ever getting laid in all those years?

Your obsession with writing about dicks that would be too big to fit, or breasts that would be too large- yes, in real life, there actually is a point where they're too large. I wouldn't expect you to know, given that your last experience with female breasts was probably over thirty years ago when you were still on your mother's milk.

This is utterly disgusting fucking trash.

I have seen some fucking disgusting shit on this site. I have seen stuff that has been so fucking repulsive I have almost doubted humanity for it. And this- this sort of bullshit pisses me off as much as mpreg fics.

I knew this would be utter shit from the summary. Anyone who bashes characters is automatically a shitty writer. All I was hoping for was an "I'm the juggernaut bitch" moment that might have made me laugh. Instead I was left feeling fucking sick.

This is fucking despicable. You would truly have some fucking nerve to actually refer to this anus scum as even a story.

I doubt you've read this far, you probably quit the moment you realised this wasn't a review of glowering praise to stoke your miserable desperate ego. But if you are, hear this.

You are utterly pathetic. What your morals, what your life must be like to come up with this fucking badly written trash and then have the absolute balls to upload it to the internet while labelling it as humour, I have no idea. Having seen the large quantity of shit in your favourites, I'm not sure whether I should be blaming you, the other fucking scumbags who no doubt inspired you, or the fuck whose challenge you responded to in the first place, but seeing as you were the one who typed it up, I'll go for you.

You need to have your fucking head examined. But frankly since you've probably already been dropped on it several times as a baby and was then probably given a lobotomy at some point, there is unlikely to be any hope for you or the mockery of English that you call your writing.

The only reliable cure I can think of is for you to off yourself.

I told you it would be long.

Next up is one from a fic called Wrath to Come. This one is in two parts, so enjoy.

Huh. It's interesting that you called your fic Wrath to Come. Because you could give this review the exact same name.

Chapter 1

"their D-rank mission where HE would do all the work while the rest of his team, his so called comrades, would sit on the sidelines" I'm already confused. Did you make this up? From what we saw of all the D-ranks Team 7, the three of them definitely split the work, although Naruto would typically get pain because he also fulfilled the role of comic relief.

"Kakashi took Sasuke to a secret training ground where he would personally train the Uchiha in Taijutsu, Genjutsu, and Ninjutsu…hell, he even taught him some basic Kenjutsu". When the fuck did this happen? Kakashi didn't even start giving Sasuke training by himself till midway through the Chuunin Exam, and that was only because Gaara would've crushed him otherwise.

"she was the itinerary of beauty" …do you know what an itinerary is? It's a planned route or a travel document! Sure, let's all start using completely random words to describe shit from now! "That Naruto, he's certainly the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork doing a raw blink on Hara-kiri Rock!"

"By the end of the week the two had grown extremely close" In a week? Have you ever been in a relationship before? Why was Haku even interested in him? What was the point of even making him a girl? And why was Haku hanging out with Naruto when she/he should've been taking care of Zabuza?

"he had to contain himself from attacking Sasuke" Why? Because Sasuke was a little pissed that these two people had tried to kill him? Judging how Zabuza attacked anyway, Haku did a shitty job of convincing him to join Naruto. Unless she was just pretending to get close to Naruto so she get could Team 7 to lower their guard- oh, she's sneaky.

Oh for- why are all the jinchurriku here for the Chuunin Exam? They're not even genin! Why would they be interested? They weren't interested enough to show up in canon! Explain!

"a jutsu that returned one to the age of thirteen and erased their memories" What the- there's no jutsu I've heard off that actually reverses time for people! Stop making up stuff that makes no sense! If she's got a jutsu that strong she could rule the entire world!

And how the fuck are the demons all talking to each other? When could they do this? They're locked away in human containers! They're trapped at the moment! And what is up with their plans? If this was made before the demons origins were "explained" in the manga, well it still is a really stupid plotline! They require leadership? They're fucking demons!

Why's Sasuke randomly insulting Naruto? As I recall, he only usually did that after Naruto did something stupid. Since he's a moron, I suppose that did happen quite a bit.

And why's Naruto acting like a massive tool? Just cos he lost his girlfriend he knew for less than a week? After she tried to help a man kill his teammates? I'd probably feel more gutted if someone stole my toilet seat. Wait I forgot, they were "extremely close".

Do you know what killer intent is, by the way? It's not some sort of magical aura, its actual intent to kill given manifestation. He wants to murder his teammates after a few nasty names? And Kakashi wants to murder him for wanting to murder his teammates for a few nasty names?

"what the hell is going on here" I agree with Sakura. Breaking the fourth wall, she's the best character in this by far.

And why can Gaara tell that Naruto's a jinchuuriku? Why do you keep making people do things that never happened in canon with no explanation or reasoning as to why?

Oh, and Naruto's just gonna tell him about the Kyuubi in front of his teammates, in front of Konohamaru? The secret that the Hokage has made it law to keep secret and not to talk about?

"The Next Day" God, I hate it when people do stupid screen cuts or time skips like this. You did this a lot in this chapter. It's shoddy writing.

"this story will have much bashing in it...very much" Here, let me edit that. "This story will be shit. Very shit."

Chapter 2

Why's Naruto attacking his teammates? So what if it's less competition? If they were retarded enough not to see through a simple genjutsu, they're not gonna be threats- in fact, why is Naruto capable of seeing through the genjutsu? I don't recall him being able to do so back in canon, or where it said in the fic that Naruto had learnt how to resist genjutsu.

And why is Neji attacking him for such little reasons? Oh wait, bashing. For no reason. You fucking prick.

""you have some nerve doing that to a fellow Konoha-nin." And I agree with Lee. Why is it I can agree with every character apart from Naruto?

And when did Naruto learn his own taijutsu style? In an extremely short time period? With no explanation as to how he could've learned it? Why do you keep doing stuff like this that makes no sense? EXPLAIN!

"the beatings he received growing up". When did this happen? There's nothing in canon about this! Considering how everyone ignored him to try and pretend he didn't exist, it'd be bloody hard to beat him up! WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING UP SHIT WITH NO EXPLANATION AS TO WHY?

It still goes on! Here's there this jinchuuriku referring to Naruto as his brethren! Why? They don't know him! Most of them don't even know each other! Just because they're containers, they don't want to be best friends!


Sharing answers in the exam? They're not even genin! Why are they here for this goddamn exam if it doesn't concern them! Why are they suddenly best friends? Just because they're jinchuuriku? THAT'S NOT A REASON! THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT IN CANON! WHY IS IT DIFFERENT FOR NO REASON?

Sure, this is fanfiction, we expect it to be different from canon- but we fucking expect reasons why! The only thing that could qualify as a reason is that Naruto's girlfriend who he knew for less than a week is dead! And that only can explain why he's such a dick!

It doesn't explain his superpowers- training alone when he's got nothing new to learn isn't gonna help him! It doesn't explain the brethren shit! It doesn't explain why everyone's a dick! It doesn't explain why the fuck the goddamn Kages are showing up to escort jinchuuriku who aren't even genin to a Chuunin Exam!

And the jinchuuriku are all really fucking annoying dickheads, Naruto the worst. Why is he taking Haku's death so hard, if that's what made him like this! He never turned into this after Sarutobi or Jiraiya's deaths in canon and he knew them well for fucking years!



God, I don't see how this can get more retarded- *looks a few lines down*

Why do you keep trying to make this fic stupider with every passing sentence? Naruto could sing Sweet Transvestite at this point and it'd be completely normal for this fic.

How the fuck does a human become the Jyuubi? THEY'RE FUCKING DEMONS!

Okay, I'm gonna take a very deep breath before I start on Chapter 3. Oh, and I don't recognise most of the authors you talk about in your AN, but those I do are pretty shitty, so that explains quite a bit.

Chapter 3

"especially given the hateful prejudice towards their race" Duh, maybe it has something to do with the fact the demons like fucking killing people on a regular basis. You know, I'm not a man who likes prejudice or stereotypes, but as reasons go for prejudice, there's a good one.

"the 3rd demon era" Wha? "old demon lords" Eh? "one supreme lord" What is this- "caste system of 12 lords" Erm- "fallen dragon clans" Do what? "a thousand years training" You have got to be- "young demon prince" Stop for one moment- "letting a few tears fall from his eyes" Kyuubi's crying-? "allowed ourselves to be sealed" What the fuck? "we could only be sealed a few times" I don't even-"we spent 300 years searching" I just- "Urufu-chan" Dumb! This is fucking dumb!

You can't be fucking serious here! How could you come up with this crap? I mean- gah, what the fuck am I even reading? Has this turned into a crossover with some other manga?

The whole demon lord/caste/clan shit is just retarded! There's no way around it! And anyway, that's a shitty way to reveal backstory anyway. Again, why is the Kyuubi completely different? Oh, and you forgot to explain how searching for a new leader translates as murdering hundreds of humans!

In fact, why the fuck is Naruto on their side? What happened to being acknowledged by the village and becoming Hokage? This abomination isn't remotely like Naruto and we have no reason as to why! I actually prefer canon mentally retarded Naruto over your fanfic fucking dickhead Naruto!

Oh, and by the way, Hinata has a thing for canon mentally retarded Naruto, not fucking dickhead version. I'm not sure why she's still even remotely interested in him.

"He had spent a week developing it" Oh for fuck's sake, we never knew before he was making this magical smoke and poison pill? He's never done anything like this before! There's no way that this could seem plausible! Way to pull Deus Ex Machinas out of your arse!

I'm just gonna rush through this.

Medusa- eight tails- jinchuuriku helping out- Orochimaru is the rival- this is just fucking stupid! How can you not see this? What's wrong with you?

I desperately want to stop but a part of me needs to see how bad this can get.

One last thing. Why bash Sasuke if you're gonna make Naruto act like him?


And here's part two.

And I'm back to continue my review.

Chapter 4

You have no idea how to write a fight scene, do you? You started three fucking lines, right after the other, all with "Kyuubi managed to" "Kyuubi then used" "Kyuubi saw the". That is not good writing.

"Her friends Kurenai and Yugao followed her as well as Kakashi, Asuma, Gai, and Hayate" When the fuck did they get here? Hayate is the only one out of that entire mix who actually has a reason to be there, considering he's one of the exam proctors. Yugao is in fucking ANBU. Why is she hanging around a Chuunin Exam location? The others are all team leaders- and so they wouldn't be nearby, in fact, they'd probably stay away on the grounds that it might look like they're trying to help their students.

"like a rhino through wet paper." I'll show you how good that simile is with my own. It's so cool it's like looking at a miscarriage.

"was this really her Naruto-kun?" No, he's turned into a dick. Nothing like the cheerful inspiring guy that she was attracted to.

"nine months of waiting" Are you a retard? Foxes do not have the same fucking reproduction systems as humans. All you had to fucking do was look on Wikipedia and you couldn't even manage that.

And why the fucking fuck is the Kyuubi supposed to be good here? Making Orochimaru seem more evil doesn't solve the problem, that this a fucking demon who massacres people.

"'H-Hinata-chan'" Yes, because seeing her moments away from death is enough to make Naruto realise he has feelings for this girl he's barely spoken to and suddenly starts calling her "-chan". Oh, and Hinata doesn't know any medical jutsu. At least definitely not pre-timeskip. Once again- EXPLAIN!

"Why is it that someone so pathetic, one who shows no qualities of a bloodline, demon blood, or any other great qualities besides an extremely low chakra pool, can survive such a mark?" Holy shit, Sakura's the most badass character in this fic. Oh, and she doesn't have "an extremely low chakra pool", she just has an average genin chakra reserve that's small in comparison to Naruto and Sasuke, both who are stated to have large chakra reserves, Naruto more so.

""my own daughter…?"" I'm sorry if this is supposed to be a dramatic moment, but all I can think of when I read over it was "I am your father!" "That's not true, that's impossible!" "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!" "Noooooo!"

"Naruto who was slowly dying" If only we could be so lucky.

"What happened here demon?" No. Absolutely no citizen of Konoha dared to break the Sandaime's law. Apart from traitors who were planning to escape the place anyway. Once again, shit happens for no valid reason.

Ah, the battles. Firstly, the jinchuuriku all so far seem to read like OCs anyway, so I'm paying them very little attention here. Nice to see Yugito's such a fucking bitch for no reason. Are we actually supposed to root for her?

Chapter 5

"Arrogant much dog food" "Those that heard Naruto's crack at his clan cracked up laughing" Oh, that's so funny. Ha ha ha. I can't stop. Ha ha ha.

By the way, your fight scenes really fucking suck. They're so slow paced and dull it's more like a kid recalling a fight they saw in the playground rather than something dynamic and fast moving.

"Kiba was second best in Taijutsu in the academy" When did anyone say that?

"he had taken up a team was to be Sasuke's sensei…he felt he owed it to Obito" This seems nothing like the Kakashi I've seen in canon. Considering that Obito emphasised teammates and looking out for the team, I can't see how this could be seen as honouring his memory.

"Naruto, Kirabi, Fu, Utakata, Han, Roshi, Yagura, Yugito, Gaara, and Amaru were releasing a small amount of Killing intent and were directing it at the Hyuuga prodigy." Are you seriously fucking kidding me? Why would half of these people care?

And why is Gaara acting nice for no reason? Just because he's hanging around other jinchuuriku? That didn't seem to stop him when Naruto told him he had his own demon in the hospital.

Chapter 6

Boring, boring, boring….

"is if a tie is brought, but according to clan laws, that means both of them will advance to the final rounds" Hm. I wonder what the result will be?

Again, boring, slow paced fight scene…

"he had no say in clan matters" He's Hiruzen Sarutobi. The Sandaime Hokage. He's the goddamn Professor. He leads the village. We're talking about two clans both with a single person. He scared the entire village's population so much that no one talks about Naruto containing the Kyuubi because they're shit scared of what he'd do in retaliation. He can do whatever the fuck he wants.

"a clanless loser like Naruto" It's like you stopped bashing Sasuke at first, when you showed him thinking of Naruto as a rival instead of a loser and made this clan honoured duel bullshit, and then thought "nah, that sounds silly, back to bashing!"

"you must kill that thing for corrupting the Uchiha." Why are Koharu and Homura showing blatant favouritism to Sasuke? But I don't know whether this chapter was released before it was revealed they all fucking hated the Uchiha, so I'll just leave it.

"there is no way you will beat Neji…you just don't have the capability" Now you are really going to extremes to find reasons to bash Kakashi. Firstly, this is nothing like his character. Secondly, he just fucking saw Naruto beat up Kiba and go on to have this massive demon showdown shit with Sasuke. What the fuck?

This is so stupid I can't wait to see the next dumb plot twist-

"standing in the middle of the room…was the Yondaime Hokage himself…"

M. Night Shymalan would be proud of you.

Chapter 7

I've actually warned about this chapter. So I've prepared, by removing all sharp objects from the room, and consuming a measure of scotch whisky. Let's go.

"Hey Ototou…how are you?" What the fuck? OC sister now? You've pretty much turned every character into an OC, was another one really necessary?

Still, an OC? That it? Huh. I guess my precautions were just-

"we could control Kyuubi's power" … "you seal it inside of him…for power" … "arrange a marriage between you, and your sister" … ""I HAVE NO FAMILY!" … "what I was forced to do to stay alive" "revealing his chest…and all his scars" "beaten and tortured from the time I was three years old" "he then pissed on the wound and covered it with salt" "tied me to a cross and rammed a wooden stake into my chest" "you forsook your own child " "you…are worse than trash" "Minato and Kushina curled into a ball and began to sob" "Uchiha Aura…younger sister of Uchiha Madara…"

…oh dear fucking God.

You absolute wanker. I can barely believe what I've just read, but I don't want to read it again in case it's real.

This is just the epitome of fail. The amount of plotholes. The shitty writing. You've absolutely raped characters. Destroyed everything we know about them to the point that this is a Naruto fic purely because of the names stamped over your OCs.

The plan. Minato was regarded as a fucking genius. He would never have come up with any of this. What happened? Did his mum drink while she was pregnant with him in this world? Did he have a lobotomy at some point?

The characters. Minato and Kushina sacrificed themselves for Naruto. Kushina let herself get stabbed by the Kyuubi because she was protecting Naruto. And yet you actually try to write a fic depicting the Kyuubi as good and Naruto's parents as retarded evil people

The torture. It doesn't matter how many people write about it. This never fucking happened to Naruto. It's fanon. And these scars- no, you should've mentioned those before. At least half of this fucking trash seems to have been made up on the fly. And Kushina made a perfectly valid argument. If they had listened to the Yondaime's wishes, the torture would've never happened.

And I should've known why you were stopping bashing other characters. Because you were going to bring in even more characters to bash. Except that, when debatably Team 7 and Neji may have done some things to deserve bashing, Minato and Kushina haven't. And this isn't bashing. This is bending them over your desk, anal raping them, destroying their character, making them do arse-to-mouth, sticking a nuclear warhead up their violated rectums, and then launching them into the stratosphere! And then revealing you had their genetic data, so you could clone them to do it to fifty more clones!

I can't believe a guy who talks about common sense in his profile has the gall to write this. I never imagined how much hate I could have for a harem fic before I even made it to the harem aka your sick fantasies of getting with all the Naruto girls.

Seriously. The OCs, Naruto's sister and Madara's sister-when you put that in a chapter and make it seem inconsequential, that is fucking bad. This is so bad I still haven't even mentioned that the sealing would require a soul and thus Minato would still be dead. Or how the amount of torture would've killed Naruto, or how Kyuubi healing is defeated by blazing stakes, medical chakra and piss, and museum artifacts.


As this fic seems to get worse and worse as time goes on, I'm just gonna stop here. I don't think I can actually survive something worse than this, because you've set an entire new low. I'd rather read fucking yaoi than this shit. I'D READ IT AND I'D FORCE MYSELF TO JERK TO IT AS LONG AS I DIDN'T HAVE TO READ THIS AGAIN.

I'm gonna stop now, because the character limit for reviews is running dangerously low. But fuck's sake, I have so much more I could say. So listen very carefully. Print this chapter out. Preferably on good, thick paper. Then take the sheets, and shove them down your fucking throat. If there isn't enough, print multiple copies! Whatever it takes for you to choke and die on this anus scum.


Damn, just using these three reviews has gotten my word count in Microsoft Word to over 5000!

Not to mention 13 pages!

LH makes Flame Rising look like a novice!

I'd love to put more, but I can't find any at the moment. Rest assured though, I'll update this chapter if I do!

Anyway, hope you got some laughs. And let's pray that the next update takes even longer.

'Cause hey, I only update this when I'm in a bad mood. And it wouldn't look very good if I updated this frequently…

Catch you Next Continue!