How dare you? How dare you think you have anything I need? I cannot believe I allowed myself to feel anything for you. I was a fool for you and you made a fool of me. That seems to be the way things have always gone for us. I stick up for you, you call me a name. You see that look on my face and feel the need to lash out instead of ask what the problem is. Can there be anything worse than your best friend preferring the company of bigots? Sure, your best friend could forget you.
I know you did. I know you look back and think, Oh, that was a laugh. You probably tell people how awful I am. How I am just another silly Gryffindor girl with her feet on the ground and her head up Potter's rear end. Maybe so. Figuratively, that is now true. He is mine and I am his.
You don't want to hear this. You want to hear how angry you made me and how unfair life is.
And there is the gist of it all: Life is not fair. I am living proof of it. I am good at everything. I am easy on the eyes. I am fun to be around. I have a loving, popular boyfriend. I have lots of friends. The teachers love me. And you know what? The only thing I want is my best friend back. The only thing I can't have is the thing I dream of, fantasize about, dwell on. I torture myself with what ifs. And no one knows. No one but me, myself and now you, Sev.
Why am I telling you this? Especially when you have made your choice and we must live such separate lives? Why now?
Well, why not? Bravery is only worth something if it means something and I am so very tired of having to live with this. I miss you. I missed you. I need you. I am a fool.
You must hate me. I want you to. I want you to see me and sneer and truly FEEL that sneer. I want to see the apathy on your face. I want everyone else to be right. That would make it easier to get over you. You understand. It is likely that your friends talk quite badly about me and that has helped you move on.
Move on? Wait, you would have to have had feelings for me first! If you had cared for me, things would not have ended as they did. Don't you see? You never cared for me like I did for you. I loved you. I felt things for you I have not felt since. There is nothing more exciting, scary and wonderful as falling in love with your best friend in the whole world. Take it from me. I know what I'm talking about.
I digress. The ultimate purpose of this letter, besides ridding myself of you, is to make sure you understand. Why that is important to me, I don't know. There is nothing to be gained by this, but in the end, I hope to be able to give myself to James completely. Wake up to his messy black hair and boyish grin and not wonder if he sees through me.
And so, here I leave you. Almost certainly more confused than when you began, but I can only hope you understand. Looking back, I know I will forever treasure your memory and our connection. But this is me closing the door.
So if we ever had anything, please remember what was lost and what could have been...the noose has been around my neck for too long. Please, Severus, hate me for all of it.