1An Obscure Quintessence
By - SethNightLord
"When you love something, let it go and if it loves you, it'll come back."
I remember waking up in his bed.
I woke up in his bed a lot.
I would wake up and look over at him, sleeping soundly, his silver hair shadowing his face and I would think.
What am I doing in here, in his bed?
Why do I sleep here, even when I get kicked out in the morning?
Why don't I leave before that?
That night wasn't any different from any other night I spent in Riku's bed except, for some reason I didn't feel like being his bed warmer anymore. And just like that, I got up and walked out.
Don't get me wrong the sex was great, but he didn't love me. Riku doesn't love anybody and sitting in his bed wasn't getting his attention. So I decided to leave.
That was the first night I ever left Riku's house without him telling me to, I don't think he noticed.
I came back the next time anyway.
And the next.
And the next.
- 11th grade Kairi -
I giggled as Kairi leaned over to push my hair out of my eyes. Her breast brushed slightly against my arm, but I knew Kairi didn't do it on purpose. She was always innocent.
"Silly! How can you even see the movie with your hair in your eyes?" Kairi chastised me.
"Kai! We've seen this movie so many times I could quote it word for word!" I replied with a fake moan.
"Well we're gunna keep going until you can act it out in a coma!" Kairi yelled.
I laughed and around us in the movie theater people mumbled angrily at Kairi's outburst. "You can't act when your in a coma." I whispered back.
"You know what I mean Sora!"
"Yeah I was just teasing."
Kairi giggled and tapped me on the nose. "You're so cute!" She leaned in and kissed me tenderly on the lips. Her phone started vibrating and she pulled back.
"Who is it?" I asked.
"Just Tidus." Kairi replied nonchalantly and ignored the buzzing. She leaned her head on my shoulder and we watched the rest of the movie quietly, but all we were really doing was finding ways to touch each other.
Kairi snapped a photo and my eyes watered as I was blinded by the flash.
"Turn that bad boy off!" I yelled, jokingly.
"Sorry smuffins!" Kairi replied.
"Don't call me that in public!" I cried out, immediately embarrassed by her nickname.
"Aww you're so adorable when you're mad."
"Kairi please don't call me that."
"Call you what smuffins?"
"That." I could feel myself beginning to get mad at Kairi, she was a nice girl but sometimes she didn't know when to be serious; when I wanted her to be serious.
"Aww but it's so cute!"
"No, no it's not!"
"Fine you spoil sport." Kairi huffed and flounced off down the hallway as the fifth period bell rang.
I stared after her, feeling something. I don't know what.
"Hold my hand tight Sora!" Kairi yelled as the roller coaster reached the top of its climb and hovered for a second before falling almost two hundred feet.
I snaked my hand around the shoulder harness to grab Kairi's hand. Eventually she would let go of my hand so that she could fling hers in the air on whim. She likes roller coaster but going up makes her nervous. Eventually she wouldn't need me.
As the roller coaster snaked and curled its way to the end I felt suddenly sad. Very sad.
And I think it's because I really let myself understand something for the first time.
I understood it all along, I just never wanted to tell myself.
But I knew it.
Eventually she wouldn't need me.
Just like with the roller coaster, eventually Kairi wouldn't need me. She was strong, a lot stonger than I am, I can admit that. And that just wouldn't work for Kairi. She didn't want to be in charge, she wanted someone in charge of her.
And I can't...
I can't take the initiative with her, I'm so unsure of myself and conflicted. I never know when the time is right to grab her hand or to kiss her or to let go of her hand...
And I think Kairi noticed it without knowing it.
She hangs out with Tidus so much and I see the looks he gives her. Tidus can give her the stability and sureness that she needs...that I don't have.
Coming around the last turn of the roller coaster I made up my mind.
I showed up at his door like I have for the past year, opening it, not bothering to knock to let him know I'm there.
Because he knows I'm there.
He's always there waiting.
It was hot and fast like it always was; him barely getting my clothes off without ripping them to shreds, me trying to salvage my dignity.
In between rounds I lay next to him on my stomach, my backside sore from the beating I'd taken.
He looked down at me, his chest covered in sweat and his hair clinging to his face.
"You seem sad." he said.
Riku never talks to me when we have sex, only afterwards. So this time was different. Maybe I let my feelings show too much around him.
"I don't know why I keep coming back here." I said.
He offered nothing in response.
"I have a girlfriend and she loves me... I had a girlfriend."
He looked at me and I think he might have been curious, but I didn't care. I was going to tell him anyway. Once I got started, it was like a dam burst and I couldn't help but tell him everything.
"Kairi broke up with me. But I guess it's ok. I was going to break up with her anyway. I could tell she didn't like me anymore and it wasn't fair to either of us to be in a relationship together anymore." The words tumbled out of my mouth, but I didn't look at him, I just picked at a lose string on his sheets.
I told him the story and when I was done he was quiet. I shot a glance at him and he was looking at me. I looked away.
"Women are shit." Riku said.
I looked at him.
"Or maybe she didn't like how you did it in bed."
I looked down.
Then Riku decided he was done with conversation and flipped me over on my back.
Even as my body pounded into his rhythmically, I thought to myself.
Kairi and I, we never had sex.
- Summer Axel -
Our relationship began tentatively , I was still nursing wounds from Kairi's departure and didn't even notice him at first.
I think maybe after a week, I realized he was flirting with me.
Axel always flirts with everybody, but he'd never flirted with me before.
Maybe I didn't notice because I didn't want to.
Or maybe I noticed long before I could even be sure.
We'd go to the beach and he would touch me, lay a hand on my hip or shoulder, talk to me, laugh with me; and one day when he kissed me underwater I realized.
And like that we were off like a shot, spending hours together, drinking, partying we did everything together. That summer we were inseparable and I lapped up every minute of it.
I soaked up his attention and loving touches like a sponge. And best of all I could be myself, I could let him take control and command every make-out session. Maybe that's why I let him get me into bed.
Riku rolled up onto his hands to survey me after he was done. He smirked as he looked down upon his handiwork; the bruises, the hickeys that would mark my skin like brands proclaiming his ownership.
I searched his face for some underlying emotion, but there was nothing.
Why did I do this?
I had Axel who loved me didn't I?
"Do you have someone?" I asked.
He looked at me.
"No. I only have people like you."
"People you fuck and leave for dead."
He looked away and than back at me. "If you didn't like it you'd leave."
I did leave, I got up and gathered my clothes, haphazardly putting them back on.
"But before you go I should tell you something." I turned to look at him and he smiled back like the Cheshire cat. I knew I wouldn't like were this would go, but he surprised me by leaving me with a piece of advice.
"Don't trust him. Next time he leaves you, follow him."
I followed him.
The next time Axel and I went to a party, I followed him when he tried to leave me.
And I found him.
I found him with Roxas.
But I can't blame him.
When I heard them talking and saw them touching, I knew they had something Axel and I would never have and I left, but not before setting Axel free.
When I walked home that night I cried. But I didn't cry because I lost Axel, I cried because I was jealous. I wanted the relationship Axel and Roxas had. But I couldn't keep Axel, he wasn't mine and he'd never stay, he'd stray away from me.
He'd stray like how I stray from everyone I try to get involved with.
I always stray right back to Riku.
I went to Riku that night, and I wasn't supposed to. It wasn't our night. But I didn't care.
I needed him, I needed him to need me. I wanted to feel him love me, if only for my body.
I found him that night sitting Indian-style on the floor, reading a book and writing down notes on a pad of paper. He looked up, shocked to see somebody intruding on his work.
His hair was tied into a short pony tail and his glasses were perched on the end of nose.
Normally he was so composed, but this time he was sloppy and it was almost cute enough to warm my heart, but as I crawled over his book to sit in his lap and unbutton his pants, I didn't feel cute.
Later I sat on top of him, still too stiff to move and as I looked down at him I could feel myself about to cry again.
"What?" He asked.
"You knew, you knew he didn't love me."
"I guess you found out." He replied.
I hit him. Punched him right in the face and I would have done it again but he grabbed my hands and pulled me forward. I gasped in pain as my abused body was moved before it was ready and he swallowed my gasp with his mouth.
Then he pulled away and laughed. He laughed at me and I knew he was mocking me for being so stupid. In that moment I hated him, why couldn't he just let me be?
If he'd never told me, I could have lived happily with Axel in ignorance and ignorance is bliss.
But I knew. Even when I thought I loved Axel, I still went crawling back to Riku.
I was a pathetic thing.
- 12th grade Cloud -
Axel introduced us.
I was so hurt and lost I accepted him.
We had sex that night and we'd have sex for many more nights.
I didn't know much about Cloud, except that he had just experienced a bad relationship, not unlike myself.
And just like that, I threw myself into a relationship with him.
He was in college, so he'd take me to college parties, get me drunk and show me off to all his buddies; but I enjoyed it.
Eventually, I learned about his past– about Sephiroth who left him, but I knew my love could heal him, so I wasn't worried. We had such a connection, it was almost like a fairytale, like if I blinked it would all disappear and I'd be stranded again.
But Cloud was everything I'd ever wanted in a lover. He was kind and sweet, never cruel like Riku and best of all he was so beautiful. And he was just like me, wounded, almost beyond repair.
We were inseparable and I knew we always would be together, he always told me so and I always believed him.
We were perfect for each other, we were opposites in appearance, me dark and him light, we were like yin and yang, fitting together as one.
And when we made love it was like we were one, he'd hold me afterwards and tell me how much he loved me. It was then that I made my decision. I couldn't love him like this, I couldn't be fair to him when I snuck away every other day to be with someone else.
I walked into his home like I had been doing every other day for years. I was such a common sight that I'm certain when he thought of home, I automatically came up. As much of a fissure as he was in my life, I was in his; which was why this was wrong.
I didn't stop him when he undressed me and touched me and I certainly didn't stop him when took me right there on the floor of the living room like a common whore.
I lost myself in it all, the rhythm of his powerful thrust and gasps that burned through my body and came out as moans of pleasure. And when I opened my eyes I saw him, I saw my Cloud. I saw his perfect blond hair and big blue eyes set in porcelain skin, that crooked smile he always shot me, then I saw him change into Riku.
And something inside me broke.
I clawed at his back as I reached my climax and I knew I was about to end this.
We came together, like we always did and we laid together in a pool of discharged fluids, like the sinners we were.
"We can't do this anymore." I said.
"Why not?" He asked. "Are you tired of being a whore Sora?"
"I'm in love."
"Who's the son of a bitch this time? Some poor fuck who doesn't know what he's getting into?" Riku snapped back snidely.
"No, he really does love me."
"You don't know what love is."
"This isn't love."
I picked myself up, got my clothes on and walked out his door, determined to never come back.
I could feel my heart break as I picked up paper after paper. My throat was suddenly too tight and I couldn't breathe.
I ran outside for some clear air and I could feel my stomach start to heave.
I stared up into the blinding sun and thought it cruel to shine happiness on my despair.
How could I know he was still in love?
The papers clenched in my fist were crinkled and being drenched in my tears.
But I should have known better than to have gone snooping.
I just couldn't help myself.
And there, plain as day, was Cloud's damned undying love for that fucking Sephiroth. Hundreds of pages written; some by hand, some typed, showing an almost obsessive need for the man. Sometimes Sephiroth wrote him back, but they were cruel letters, twisting poor Cloud around his finger.
Towards the end of the stack Cloud wrote how he was leaving me to be with him.
What did this other have that I didn't?
Why was I never good enough?
I devoted myself to them!
Gave them my body, but that was not enough.
I didn't love them enough and they left me.
I didn't love them.
Why couldn't I love them?
Or did they just not love me enough?
I left Cloud that night, left him to his letters and his star-crossed love.
And I went back.
It had been so long, but I went back.
I found him in his room, reading again. Working through a thick book, pen in one hand, notebook in the other.
I studied him for a few seconds at his doorway, he was so involved in his work he never looked up and my heart despaired.
I went away down to his living room and sat on the floor where we had fucked. It was clean, not a trace of that night was left and it was almost like he'd erased me from his life.
I silently cried, as tears leaked from my eyes, turning them red, making their bright blue color all the more brilliant.
I heard his feet padding along the wood floor as he came to me.
He stared at me and I knew he thought I was pathetic, it was written in his cold green eyes.
Yet he picked me up and took me back to his bed and I let him. He held me tight and undressed me slowly, and like that we were together again.
But it was empty.
There were no burning emotions that we strained to hold back from each other, there was no tenderness in our touches, we didn't do this for each other– we did it for ourselves.
He pushed himself inside me and in him I could see them all. Underneath his mask of cruelty was Kairi's giggle, Axel's flirtatious nature, Cloud's bleeding heart. Staring up into the maelstrom of his face I was hit by a strange emotion.
He was watching me, watching my face for a reaction.
I turned my face up to his and let him see the raw emotion on my face.
"Pretend you love me." I begged.
I grabbed his face and tried to bring it down for a kiss but he fought against me.
He pulled away and the disgust was evident on his face.
"No one could ever love someone like you."
"I'm only what you've made me." I whispered back.
And he walked away, taking with him Kairi, Axel and Cloud.
I was left on his bed and I could hear him starting up the shower.
I just laid there like the broken child I was.
- Summer -
The days were disgustingly muggy and hot, the sun beat down on me unbearably and I took all the beatings I could get.
I stared at a seagull that was cleaning its feathers, strangely it was alone and not with the rest of the flock. But quickly another sea gull came to join it and he was no longer alone.
I looked at that damn sea gull for an hour and I still didn't understand. I had no revelation, no grand epiphany, not life-altering moment.
So I walked away and left them.
It was a terrible night, stormy and dark, the air held a malevolent nature and I sensed it, reached out to it like a fallen comrade.
The dark mood fitted quite nicely to my own and I found myself spiraling into despair.
I couldn't think about the three of them without feeling pain.
They had become such a strong part of my life that I was loath to let them go.
Yet ironically, I had been the one to let them go.
I let them loose and turned them over to other lovers.
Lovers whom I thought could give them what I couldn't.
So why was it bittersweet?
Why had no one returned the favor?
I let them go and they didn't come back.
But I kept going back to Riku, no matter how cruel he was.
And somehow I found myself walking outside.
The rain poured down on me with such ferocity it was like being beat with fists. The thunder was loud enough that my ear drums hurt and my heart jumped like a rabbit's. The lightening blinded my eyes and the wind whipped leaves and sticks past my face at frightening speeds.
The ocean was fierce.
Like a women scorned, there was no fury quite like the ocean. She was a force unto herself, moving in tandem with the moon, dancing an intricate waltz, taking what she could get. She pounded upon the earth her fury, fading at the end of each day to come on strong the next.
And tonight her anger seemed small compared to my own. I didn't even know who I was angry with. Myself? Kairi? Axel? Cloud?
I sat on the edge of the dock, soaked to the core, staring into the swirls of dark ocean water lapping at my feet.
I didn't cry, but coldly calculated my next move, almost detached from myself.
The rocky waves chopped at the shore and at my dock, pounding away.
I knew I'd never make it.
And maybe that's why it was so appealing.
I pulled off my shirt and took off my belt and sneakers, leaving them in an untidy pile behind me.
Goose bumps rose on my flesh as my heart trembled.
I walked to the edge and realized how simple it was.
How utterly simple.
"What are you doing?"
My head snapped up sharply as I whipped around to look.
He was there.
I didn't know what to feel.
Riku stared at me horror and despair evident on his face. He moved closer and pulled me away from the edge back towards my clothing.
"What are you doing?"
He searched my face for some answer and I think he found it written on every inch of my face, screaming at him.
"No..no..no...no..." He said it like a mantra as he clung to me tight enough to hurt.
He took in my appearance, the look in my eyes, my loss of weight and the dark shadows covering my happiness.
"You came back every time. Why not this one?" He asked me, his voice heavy with emotion.
"I didn't know you wanted me." I choked out.
He held me closer.
"Pretend you love me." I said.
"No." His voice was muffled and I could barely hear him over the rain.
"Why do we have to pretend?"
"You'd never love me for real."
He laughed and I knew for once it wasn't mocking like I'd always thought. It was an endearing laugh, one you gave when your heart hurt.
Thunder crashed above us and the ocean churned below.
"Why did you let me leave?" I asked. "If you loved me, why did you let me go?"
"When you love something, let it go and if it loves you, it'll come back." He said.
"That's so stupid." I laughed, my silly Sora laugh and grinned my cheese ball grin.
He said nothing.
"I came back so many times."
"Yet you never knew."
"Knew what?" I asked as I started to feel chill.
"Why I let you go in the first place."
I thought for a second on his words, words that even now haunt me and make me think. I stared at his face and wondered how much of his cruelty I'd imagined or how much of his love mistaken for hatred.
Underneath his face I could see them spinning, in a technicolor whirl of hues.
I dragged myself away from his face and looked out into the darkness to where I supposed the horizon was. He held me in his arms and I felt safe and warm, loved without even having to love back.
I don't know what hurts worse; not noticing someone loved me or knowing the one who loved me, let me hurt him.
I laughed and I cried and I looked out into the storm.
Not having him with me hurt the worst.
And when I looked back at him, his sea green eyes stared right back, full of pain and happiness, I realized how much they looked like the calm ocean.
My own reflected a turbulent tempest.
His hand squeezed mine and his lips found my own, and we both turned blue from cold.
The sweetness of it all made my heart ache.
Riku smiled at me and I knew he'd never say how much he loved me, he'd never said it once in all the years we'd been together. But that was alright. Because I knew.
I think I knew all along.
Why else would I keep coming back?
- The End -
Sethnightlord - Alright! My first ever story on ! I hope you like it, it was a one shot deal, and covered a lot of time but was really short.
I hope everyone understands it and it effected by it the way it effected me.
Because like Sora, love like this makes my heart ache.
This story is yours to interpret how you would like, it was meant to be open, so that you could affix your own meanings.